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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have left so early?

168 replies

OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 13:36

I meet a friend today who's got two kids and I've got one.

We live 35 mins from each other so I suggested to meet at a country type park. It opens at 10. She said she would get there for 10.30-11. She messaged on the day and said she would get there at 11.15. eventually see her at 11.50

Was I rude to leave at 12.50? We only spent an hour with each other but by that time I had been there for 3 hours and my 18 month old needed a nap and I wanted to get home.

Should I have made it clear I was needing to leave by 12.30 on a normal day to keep in line his nap day?

I thought being outside would be good.

Aibu for leaving

OP posts:
Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:46

NoKnit · 04/05/2025 14:42

Of course as a mother of 2 kids and remembering what it was like getting them out of the house when they were younger(honestly with 1 child at 18months you've no clue how bad it be) I see this a bit differently.

I think if she's driven 35 minutes to spend a day with you and you leave after an hour (she was only 35 minutes after her eta and you said possibly bank holiday traffic) then yes she probably is a bit miffed with you. If you'd had told her on the morning you were leaving by that time then she had the chance to hurry up or cancel or whatever.

I just hope it's no issue for her to be alone there with her kids and that it was somewhere of interest to them so at least her drive was worthwhile.

I'm a bit afraid to ask why your baby couldn't have just napped in the pushchair? I know you probably say he can't/won't but believe you me if you ever have a second stuff like that won't be an option.

I think only having one child at 18months who doesn't answer back, use the toilet, discuss every single simple matter on getting into the car, run off in opposite direction to its sibling, refuse to come along and the fact you are able to scoop your child up without too much resistance does make a huge difference here.

I'm not saying your friend is right but I can easily see how it got to this and perhaps you both should have communicated better.

She's got her husband at home to help her get out.

So maybe she should have aimed for earlier, because I have a life as well?

OP posts:
Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:47

Also it would have taken me 35 mins to drive to her house, which I've done recently, using an annual leave and leaving toddler in nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:49

Lanzarotelady · 04/05/2025 14:20

If you wanted to leave, then leave, but come on your toddler needed a nap? Couldn't they have slept in the buggy?

No I tried. When she arrived I was pushing him in the buggy with one of those covers.. than I left him to sleep away from us, whilst we had a picnic. Wouldn't sleep. So no, he wouldn't sleep in the buggy. The car yes but buggy no

OP posts:
Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:51

Fly1ngG1raffe · 04/05/2025 14:20

I don’t think you were unreasonable to leave when you did. I do note through that she’d already told you she wouldn’t make it by 10, but you got there for that time anyway. In future I think you could be clearer by saying “I’ll need to leave at x time”. So no, you were not unreasonable but also you chose to get there an hour before she said she’d be there.

Show quote history

Yeah I should have.. had she arrived at the time she said she would and no 55 mins - 85 minutes after she said she would arrive it wouldn't be an issue.

Also she didn't even apologize

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 04/05/2025 14:52

and she did nothing wrong turning up when it suited her.

Of course she was wrong to be 80 minutes later than she said she would be Hmm

Especially in this weather. It is 9 degrees where I am today.

NoKnit · 04/05/2025 14:53

OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:46

She's got her husband at home to help her get out.

So maybe she should have aimed for earlier, because I have a life as well?

Show quote history

Do you know if he was home?

Also he can't go to the toilet for one of her kids, he can't take one to the toilet once she's already left, he can't help her with the discussion about putting on a hat/coat/jumper/suncream whilst getting out of the car. It's a nightmare taking little kids out.

Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:55

NoKnit · 04/05/2025 14:53

Do you know if he was home?

Also he can't go to the toilet for one of her kids, he can't take one to the toilet once she's already left, he can't help her with the discussion about putting on a hat/coat/jumper/suncream whilst getting out of the car. It's a nightmare taking little kids out.

Show quote history

Yes he's home.

Yes such a nightmare having a child,,,, how would I ever know 🥺,

OP posts:
Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:55

RampantIvy · 04/05/2025 14:52

and she did nothing wrong turning up when it suited her.

Of course she was wrong to be 80 minutes later than she said she would be Hmm

Especially in this weather. It is 9 degrees where I am today.

It's warm here!

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 04/05/2025 14:55

Did she know it was only going to be a couple of hours, I would have assumed it was a day out type meet up so wouldn't have expected you to leave at 12:30.

Doesn't really sound like a proper meet up since you arrived earlier than she could make it?

Hankunamatata · 04/05/2025 14:57

Yes you should have made it clear you needed to leave at 12.30

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 14:59

OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 13:36

I meet a friend today who's got two kids and I've got one.

We live 35 mins from each other so I suggested to meet at a country type park. It opens at 10. She said she would get there for 10.30-11. She messaged on the day and said she would get there at 11.15. eventually see her at 11.50

Was I rude to leave at 12.50? We only spent an hour with each other but by that time I had been there for 3 hours and my 18 month old needed a nap and I wanted to get home.

Should I have made it clear I was needing to leave by 12.30 on a normal day to keep in line his nap day?

I thought being outside would be good.

Aibu for leaving

People like that have no respect for other peoples time, you did the right thing
Maybe she won’t be so late the next time

Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:59

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 04/05/2025 14:55

Did she know it was only going to be a couple of hours, I would have assumed it was a day out type meet up so wouldn't have expected you to leave at 12:30.

Doesn't really sound like a proper meet up since you arrived earlier than she could make it?

It was a day out for me,,,, 3 hours at the venue

OP posts:
Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:59

Hankunamatata · 04/05/2025 14:57

Yes you should have made it clear you needed to leave at 12.30

When I left at 1?

OP posts:
AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 04/05/2025 14:59

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/05/2025 13:42

Yanbu.

My friend was like this and got worse after her first child.

We are basically barely in contact now. Its just rude disrespectful and annoying and i have zero time for it now kids are on the scene.
I got fucked off with standing around waiting while she was sending me stupid messages along the lines of

"What am I like? 🤪🤪🤪"

"Baby X just woke up be there soon" (sent at 10.30 am when we were due to meet at 10)

"Oh you are leaving already??? 😪😪😪 But we will be there soon! Baby X wants to see Baby Y!!! 😘😘😘"

Edited

Argh. Those messages are irrationally irritating me and they're not even for me!
Cannot abide people who try to pass off their flakiness as some sort of endearing ditzy trait with "oh what am I like" as the answer is usually a PITA.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 04/05/2025 15:01

OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:59

It was a day out for me,,,, 3 hours at the venue

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3hrs isn't a day out, that's half a day. A day out at that sort of place is 10-3 minimum.

I think you just need to be clearer about imes in future then there won't be any misunderstanding

Lavender14 · 04/05/2025 15:01

I think you're being a bit unreasonable here op tbh. How old are all your kids?

I think you suggested meeting at 10. She told you that didn't suit her and she'd be there for between 10.30/11. She then messaged you that morning saying it would be 11.15. You chose to go for 10 anyway because that's what suited you. To me that's as bad as being late if you're going to hold it against someone.

I think when you've kids sometimes shit is unpredictable- I've can remember going to meet a friend and ds took an up the back poo as soon as I put him in his car seat and I had to take him in and stick him in the bath it was so bad. I can remember other days where I wanted nothing more than to get out and be around other people but with ppa and a baby some days it just felt impossible but I made it and even though I'm sure it was frustrating I was late I felt like I'd just done a marathon. You have no idea what is going on with her, she may be struggling more than you think. From what you've written, it sounds like you made quite a flexible arrangement (which can be better sometimes when you have kids), you went when it suited you and your child and she arrived when she could. You had an hour to catch up. I really don't see why anyone would be annoyed by this.

I do think you're really unrealistic to think she's mad at you because she hasn't replied to a text for two days. Sometimes when I'm busy with ds I will also forget to text people back for a bit and every mum friend I have is the exact same. She hasn't given you any clear indication that she's annoyed or huffing - she's probably just busy. From what you've said about her working pt and having a husband it seems like you think you have it harder and therefore she has less excuse. I'm also a completely single parent and work full time and honestly I'd be quite appreciative of other parents who can be flexible with me - it works both ways. She might work less or have more help but she also has two kids to juggle and some babies are easier than others.

Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 15:05

Lavender14 · 04/05/2025 15:01

I think you're being a bit unreasonable here op tbh. How old are all your kids?

I think you suggested meeting at 10. She told you that didn't suit her and she'd be there for between 10.30/11. She then messaged you that morning saying it would be 11.15. You chose to go for 10 anyway because that's what suited you. To me that's as bad as being late if you're going to hold it against someone.

I think when you've kids sometimes shit is unpredictable- I've can remember going to meet a friend and ds took an up the back poo as soon as I put him in his car seat and I had to take him in and stick him in the bath it was so bad. I can remember other days where I wanted nothing more than to get out and be around other people but with ppa and a baby some days it just felt impossible but I made it and even though I'm sure it was frustrating I was late I felt like I'd just done a marathon. You have no idea what is going on with her, she may be struggling more than you think. From what you've written, it sounds like you made quite a flexible arrangement (which can be better sometimes when you have kids), you went when it suited you and your child and she arrived when she could. You had an hour to catch up. I really don't see why anyone would be annoyed by this.

I do think you're really unrealistic to think she's mad at you because she hasn't replied to a text for two days. Sometimes when I'm busy with ds I will also forget to text people back for a bit and every mum friend I have is the exact same. She hasn't given you any clear indication that she's annoyed or huffing - she's probably just busy. From what you've said about her working pt and having a husband it seems like you think you have it harder and therefore she has less excuse. I'm also a completely single parent and work full time and honestly I'd be quite appreciative of other parents who can be flexible with me - it works both ways. She might work less or have more help but she also has two kids to juggle and some babies are easier than others.

She messaged me at 10.45 saying she would be there at 11.15. so she hadn't left and still had the drive. She knew she would be much later than she had messaged the day before and knew I was already there.

I suggest days to meet and she will ignore or message me on the day saying "shall we meet today". So it's not reciprocal.

Yeah she hasn't given any indication and I won't be seeing her again I think

OP posts:
Arancia · 04/05/2025 15:05

I think if you are only able to meet someone for a short period of time, you have to let them know at which time you'll be leaving. I don't want to drive for 35 minutes only to meet with someone for an hour.

On the other hand, it's rude to keep someone waiting for a long time.

I think you both should have done better.

Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 15:06

Arancia · 04/05/2025 15:05

I think if you are only able to meet someone for a short period of time, you have to let them know at which time you'll be leaving. I don't want to drive for 35 minutes only to meet with someone for an hour.

On the other hand, it's rude to keep someone waiting for a long time.

I think you both should have done better.

What about turning up on time?

OP posts:
CalleOcho · 04/05/2025 15:07

OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 14:07

I guess Im a people pleaser.

Do you feel guilty for leaving?

If so, stop that.

You’ve nothing to feel guilty for. Your friend was late- that’s a her problem.

Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 15:08

Arancia · 04/05/2025 15:05

I think if you are only able to meet someone for a short period of time, you have to let them know at which time you'll be leaving. I don't want to drive for 35 minutes only to meet with someone for an hour.

On the other hand, it's rude to keep someone waiting for a long time.

I think you both should have done better.

Done better? I was there for 3 hours. She doesn't work, it's Sunday and no supermarket open until 11.

So there is nothing she was doing the night before etc. she's got help at home.

I said I was getting there at 10. She could have had 3 hours with me. Choose not to. I can't change my child nap time.

We both have children, her younger one is 3 months younger

OP posts:
Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 15:08

CalleOcho · 04/05/2025 15:07

Do you feel guilty for leaving?

If so, stop that.

You’ve nothing to feel guilty for. Your friend was late- that’s a her problem.

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I wanted to leave at 12 to be honest lol

OP posts:
CiaoMeow · 04/05/2025 15:09

YADNBU. We had a similar issue with a friend who kept turning up late for a drink. For months we just let it go and just stayed later to make up for her lateness. Then one day I realised what mugs we were being, and we left at the right, meaning that we only got 40 minutes instead of 1.5 hours or so. We only had to do it a couple of time before the penny dropped and the problem was solved. People treat you how you let them treat you.

Hankunamatata · 04/05/2025 15:12

OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 15:08

I wanted to leave at 12 to be honest lol

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Your literally aibu was
"Should I have made it clear I was needing to leave by 12.30 on a normal day to keep in line his nap day?"

Yes you should have. If I'm invited to countey park driving 35min then I would expect to spend the day. And yes your friend was rude being late but you didn't tell her your plans either

Original poster
OneDenimQuoter · 04/05/2025 15:15

Hankunamatata · 04/05/2025 15:12

Your literally aibu was
"Should I have made it clear I was needing to leave by 12.30 on a normal day to keep in line his nap day?"

Yes you should have. If I'm invited to countey park driving 35min then I would expect to spend the day. And yes your friend was rude being late but you didn't tell her your plans either

Show quote history

I have always gone to her house which is 35 mins away. I wouldn't expect to spend the whole day there. And neither would I want to. She didn't have to agree to spend the day there and I made it clear last week about mornings only being viable as he wakes up early and has a nap.

Hence why I suggested 10am when the place opened

Where's her concern for me? .

OP posts: