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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing friends.

143 replies

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/05/2025 01:40

OK, it's a DMIL one.

Made new friends with a couple and invited them over whilst MIL was visiting.

At some point when DH & I were out of the room, she gave them her phone number.

She didn't mention it until they'd left, which seemed odd and a bit sneaky.
Would be one thing if they got on like a house on fire, but ahe was basically mute and had to be prompted to join in the conversation.

We are in a new place, DMIL lives 6 hours away and new friends live on the next road from us.

DH & I can cope with MIL in short bursts as she can be overbearing.

Just when she was here, she was talking of friends who've ghosted her. There's always someone who's wronged her and she has no self awareness.

The AIBU:
Since she got back home, she sent us a parcel with a sealed and stamped card to be passed on to new friends as she doesn't have their address.

She said the letter is a thank you for visiting.
Except, they were our guests and we've already said thanks for coming.

Wwyd? This sounds petty, but I don't want to share friends with MIL and neither does DH as she'll take over and probably end up spoiling the friendship, even from many miles away.

Yet we're the ones living close to these people and see them about.

If she were to be friends with them, we'd step back as no good would come from it.

Would you pass the letter on or say not to worry, have already passed thanks for us all and bin?

Haven't opened it and don't intend to, but don't want to bin without mentioning it to her.

Has anyone shared friends with a MIL/ DM?

YABU - Pass it on.
YANBU - Don't facilitate it.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 04/05/2025 03:15

Sounds totally bizarre. If they're your age I've no idea why MIL who lives 6 miles away, and is presumably not their age would think they'd want to be her mate?

WhingeInTheWillows · 04/05/2025 03:21

I wouldn’t pass it on but I’d tell her I had, I’d probably read it too! How would she react if you told her you weren’t going to do it?

Sherararara · 04/05/2025 07:17

I’d open it and read it. It’s probably a request for them to spy on you and feed back information to her.

whitewineandsun · 04/05/2025 07:19

That's bizarre. Doesn't she have her own friends? The letter is really weird. I wouldn't be passing that on.

arcticpandas · 04/05/2025 07:20

Don't pass it on. It's really weird and your friends would find it odd, I surely would. Like pp said, she wants to have people feeding her information about you so don't facilitate.

BlackBean2023 · 04/05/2025 07:21

I’d pass it on and tell my friends it was from my wacky MiL but to not feel as though they had to engage with her!

ThatGladTiger · 04/05/2025 08:14

Pass it on, or you would be in the wrong.

As the previous poster said, just explain the wacky MiL issues. If they are of similar age to you they probably have similar stories and perversely it will probably make you closer!

Just ask them not to engage with her.

Original poster
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/05/2025 09:23

WhingeInTheWillows · 04/05/2025 03:21

I wouldn’t pass it on but I’d tell her I had, I’d probably read it too! How would she react if you told her you weren’t going to do it?

I think she'd still say, oh just pass it anyway when you next see them.
She's used to bulldozing and getting her way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/05/2025 09:25

Poppyseeds79 · 04/05/2025 03:15

Sounds totally bizarre. If they're your age I've no idea why MIL who lives 6 miles away, and is presumably not their age would think they'd want to be her mate?

What complicates it is they're between our and DMIL' s ages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/05/2025 09:26

Sherararara · 04/05/2025 07:17

I’d open it and read it. It’s probably a request for them to spy on you and feed back information to her.

Wouldn't put it past her sadly. Would probably be presented as concern from a loving elderly mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/05/2025 09:28

whitewineandsun · 04/05/2025 07:19

That's bizarre. Doesn't she have her own friends? The letter is really weird. I wouldn't be passing that on.

She has friends in group clubs and old school ones even.
It's a case of Fomo and control.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 04/05/2025 09:28

Pass it on but give your friends the lowdown on your MIL

whitewineandsun · 04/05/2025 09:32

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/05/2025 09:28

She has friends in group clubs and old school ones even.
It's a case of Fomo and control.

Show quote history

She sounds charming. I'd misplace the letter.

Original poster
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/05/2025 09:32

Thanks @BlackBean2023 @ThatGladTiger ,
My thought is, since she gave them her number, surely you'd wait for them to make contact and then progress it that way. Seems they haven't messaged and she's decided she doesn't want to wait.

OP posts:
Fluffyholeysocks · 04/05/2025 09:33

I'd just give a vague 'oh we'llgive it to them when we next see them' then promptly forget about it.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 04/05/2025 09:35

I'd open it tbh and see what it's all about

HenDoNot · 04/05/2025 09:35

I would bin it and never mention it again.

If MIL asks, just be vague “yeah I’m sure one of us must have done something with it”.

Arniesaxe · 04/05/2025 09:36

BlackBean2023 · 04/05/2025 07:21

I’d pass it on and tell my friends it was from my wacky MiL but to not feel as though they had to engage with her!

This is what I'd do too. I'd see it as being the bigger person.

BobbyBiscuits · 04/05/2025 09:36

That is rather odd. I mean it's not if they were all getting on so well and it was mutually decided to swap numbers. But I just can't imagine why she's so desperate to be friends with people who presumably don't know her at all?!

I'd say you could make a joke to your new friends about it and apologise for the pushing of the phone number. The card I think I'd maybe give them it next time I saw them, but again probably in a jokey manner. There's a slim chance they might think she's fantastic and they are already planning on meeting up I guess. Unlikely I'd say.

Bridestone · 04/05/2025 09:49

You’re overreacting. They met once, she lives six hours away, she didn’t talk to them, gave them her number unasked and now she’s written them a letter ‘to thank them for visiting’, even though they weren’t visiting her house — why in your head has this become ‘MIL might become friends with our friends’?

Surely their response to a letter thanking them for visiting, from a largely mute stranger they met once, is more likely to be ‘Weird’ and no further thought?

Charmofgoldfinch · 04/05/2025 10:00

i wouldnt pass on the letter and also give a vague reply when she asks. It’s okay for you and DH to keep family and friends separate. You know for next time not to invite friends round whilst she is visiting or to talk about upcoming social events in front of her.

SunsetCocktails · 04/05/2025 10:12

Fluffyholeysocks · 04/05/2025 09:33

I'd just give a vague 'oh we'llgive it to them when we next see them' then promptly forget about it.

I’d do this.

Also, your friends have probably already figured out she’s a bit strange if she’s given them her phone number when she’s only just met them and hasn’t even had much of a conversation with them. I’d certainly find it odd.

SoOxon · 04/05/2025 10:27

The correct way of dealing with this presumption is to keep the letter and package until your MiL next visits and hand it over to her, possibly saying you were not going to do as she requested, without making excuses :
or return it, ‘not known at this address’ and really mess with her head.
Muscling in on your friends, neighbours, acquaintances is so ill mannered.

LadyQuackBeth · 04/05/2025 10:28

Clearly MIL is a bit strange and struggles socially. I wouldn't project onto this the feelings that would lead you to do the same, it might not be vindictive or manipulative, she's maybe just useless with social conventions.

I would pass it on but also let them know that MIL can be a bit odd, that she clearly doesn't trust you to thank your own guests,.with a laugh

There's no risk of sharing friends, but everyone can stay polite.

Original poster
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/05/2025 10:50

Thank you for the replies.

Another friend let me use her place for a week's holiday and MIL wanted to thank her personally.

I explained then, that as the favour was to me, I would do the thank yous.

Thing is, she'll start sending Christmas cards and suggesting visits.
She's a well educated, calculating type, so she knows what she's doing.

I wouldn't say she struggles socially, but likes to be in control.

As sad as it sounds, if they were to be friends with her, we would have to step back as it just wouldn't work.
Thing is, they've struggled to make friends since they moved from elsewhere too and were pleased to connect with us.

She's put a stamp on the letter, so expects us to address it and pop it in the post for her.

Would this work:

"Thank you for the note DMIL, but I've already said thank yous for all of us, so no need for the letter.
Don't want to overwhelm our new friends but will keep it for you to pass on when you next see them".

Could also add:
"I'm sure they'll be in touch soon, seeing as you gave them your number".

OP posts:
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