Sharing friends.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

OK, it's a DMIL one.

Made new friends with a couple and invited them over whilst MIL was visiting.

At some point when DH & I were out of the room, she gave them her phone number.

She didn't mention it until they'd left, which seemed odd and a bit sneaky.
Would be one thing if they got on like a house on fire, but ahe was basically mute and had to be prompted to join in the conversation.

We are in a new place, DMIL lives 6 hours away and new friends live on the next road from us.

DH & I can cope with MIL in short bursts as she can be overbearing.

Just when she was here, she was talking of friends who've ghosted her. There's always someone who's wronged her and she has no self awareness.

The AIBU:
Since she got back home, she sent us a parcel with a sealed and stamped card to be passed on to new friends as she doesn't have their address.

She said the letter is a thank you for visiting.
Except, they were our guests and we've already said thanks for coming.

Wwyd? This sounds petty, but I don't want to share friends with MIL and neither does DH as she'll take over and probably end up spoiling the friendship, even from many miles away.

Yet we're the ones living close to these people and see them about.

If she were to be friends with them, we'd step back as no good would come from it.

Would you pass the letter on or say not to worry, have already passed thanks for us all and bin?

Haven't opened it and don't intend to, but don't want to bin without mentioning it to her.

Has anyone shared friends with a MIL/ DM?

YABU - Pass it on.
YANBU - Don't facilitate it.

Thanks.

If she’s calculating she will have done this so that your friends will feel obligated to text her thanks therefore giving her a way into a conversation with them.

I think your response is good but I would take out the overwhelmed wording as might argue the point. Just say you’ll give it next time you see them but don’t discuss when that will be.

That's weird. I'd open it and read it. Then report back here 😂

This is it, she knows it will prompt them to text, then she's in.

It's just barmy how someone would think this normal behaviour.

Just read your update - I think you need to keep MIL away from your friends - it does sound like a way to get them to engage with her. Before you know it she will be telling them when she’s visiting and putting herself in the middle of events. You don’t want to end up a situation where your friends feel they need to invite her to things out of politeness.
the normal way to thank friends of friends/ family who have done a favour that you’ve benefitted from is to pass on a bottle of wine/ small gift etc or contribute to another thank you gesture from all not force a conversation with someone you have no relationship with surely?

Thank you, yes, I'm also mindful of our new friends feeling obliged to reply because of us.
Such a difficult position to be in over something seemingly so trivial, but because of how she is, it will snowball.

I'll send the message this evening and report back.

Tempting, but we're away, so would be Tuesday when back 🤣.

Your friends will think it’s weird but this kind of behaviour is familiar territory for me. Has she ever caused issues before, maybe at family occasions or life events? I don’t think you should pass the gift on but you should also tell her why.

It's strange

I wouldn't pass it on but I would have said so straightaway and said there was no need for it.
Closed it down.
Your friends don't need a thank you from your mil

Sorry to hear it'sfamiliar to you, sad isn't it.
She causes issues but not so much to be called out on. Just enough to cause upset and if you were to bring it up, you're the problem.

It's silly things like taking credit for stuff in a room full of people, so correcting her would seem petty or unkind.

I know, should have shut it down straightaway.

She'd asked for their address and I ignored it, thinking it will go away.

Never did i think she'd send a letter in a parcel, with a stamp on it! 8

Also, could say:

"I've already said thanks for us all but will keep it for you to give to them when you next see them".

How does that sound?

I’d just say they’ve thanked us for having them and we responded in kind so I’ve not passed on your weird letter.

And leave it there. Otherwise next time she comes she’ll ask you to take her round to theirs so she can put it through the letterbox and then she’ll end up knocking on the door.

Oh gosh, she so would too!

All I wanted was a normal MIL for goodness sake.

She is trying to ride roughshod over you. Very undermining of her. Just tell her ‘we have already thanked our friends so no need for you to’. I would also say in passing to your new friends that you mil can be tricky- don’t recount long stories about her, just say she has form or something along those lines.

It’s really odd to thank someone for a favour they have done someone else (unless a young child); or thank someone for visiting someone else’s house .
I think I would message her as you suggest, saying there’s no need for you to pass the letter on as you’ve already thanked appropriately. I would be SO tempted to open it though and see what she said in it.

She's trying to Wendy you op! I have got a friend who does this.

Will message her tomorrow.

All I can think reading this thread, is, how did your husband experience this woman growing up?

It feels reminiscent of highly narcissistic individuals within the family system I grew up in.

You don't get through parents like this unscathed. It causes alot of damage. I'm also wondering if your husband has a sister who potentially faired significantly worse at the hands of mama than he did? 🤷

Why did you invite your new friends over when your “overbearing” MIL was visiting?

If I had made some new friends and they invited me round and whilst there I felt obliged to entertain a “basically mute” person who had to be “prompted to join the conversation” and then guilt tripped into given this stranger my phone number, I’d be really pissed off.

I know you can’t go back in time, but surely if you have a difficult person staying with you, you don’t inflict their difficulties on others, when you could see your new friends at a different time when your MIL wasn’t around 🤷‍♀️

As for the letter, that’s for your DH to deal with. He can tell his mother it’s inappropriate and deal with the fall out, this isn’t your problem to resolve.

Make it clear you’ve thanked them on her behalf too, be clear YOU don’t want to pass on the letter (rather than censoring who she thanks), I would also say something that makes it about considering your friend’s feelings. If she asks for their address say you don’t feel comfortable passing it on without their permission.

”They’ve already thanked us for having them and we responded in kind from all of us. I don’t really want to pass on your ‘thank you’ letter as I think they will find it a bit overwhelming/over the top/odd/bat shit. Especially before we’ve got to know each other a bit better”

honestly OP, I wouldn't, she'll just nag/guilt trip you if you say that, and it just pushes the problem further down the road. Surely you don't want your poor friends to be drawn into communicating with this weird women. They probably already think it's weird she gave them her number, if they get a random card from her they'll think they have to respond, not to mention will probably think you and your DH are odd by extension.

I'd give a white lie like 'Yep, I put it in the postbox' (don't mention you didn't put the address on it), or 'Yes I'll take it to the post office next time I go' (i.e. you will take it with you but not take it out of your bag, and then chuck it in the bin)

If they don't text her to thank her she might think they're rude and go off them anyway, problem solved. The chances are she won't see them very often if she lives that far away, and if she does meet them again in a few years, and is so brazen as to ask if they got the card, it's completely reasonable they won't remember after so long when they got something or not, or you can always blame royal mail!

I agree, this was weird. Couldn't you have met up with them literally any other time?

So she wrote a letter and posters are advising you to open it and read it or not pass it on. That’s not right. It’s not addressed to you, so don’t open it. Not passing it on is sneaky. Just do the right thing. Do not open it, pass on and the chances are the new friends will think it’s a bit odd. There’s no need for you intervene in ways which make you the bad person.

If it was me I'd get DH to tell his mum that we wouldn't be passing on a letter from her saying thanks for visiting. Cos it's not her place to say thanks for visiting

You're right to recognise it as narcissistic, sorry you've been through such.

DH is one of three boys, whom she's belittled and controlled since they were young. More so after their DF died.

Sad to see as they're all grown men but still afraid of her.