Sharing friends.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

OK, it's a DMIL one.

Made new friends with a couple and invited them over whilst MIL was visiting.

At some point when DH & I were out of the room, she gave them her phone number.

She didn't mention it until they'd left, which seemed odd and a bit sneaky.
Would be one thing if they got on like a house on fire, but ahe was basically mute and had to be prompted to join in the conversation.

We are in a new place, DMIL lives 6 hours away and new friends live on the next road from us.

DH & I can cope with MIL in short bursts as she can be overbearing.

Just when she was here, she was talking of friends who've ghosted her. There's always someone who's wronged her and she has no self awareness.

The AIBU:
Since she got back home, she sent us a parcel with a sealed and stamped card to be passed on to new friends as she doesn't have their address.

She said the letter is a thank you for visiting.
Except, they were our guests and we've already said thanks for coming.

Wwyd? This sounds petty, but I don't want to share friends with MIL and neither does DH as she'll take over and probably end up spoiling the friendship, even from many miles away.

Yet we're the ones living close to these people and see them about.

If she were to be friends with them, we'd step back as no good would come from it.

Would you pass the letter on or say not to worry, have already passed thanks for us all and bin?

Haven't opened it and don't intend to, but don't want to bin without mentioning it to her.

Has anyone shared friends with a MIL/ DM?

YABU - Pass it on.
YANBU - Don't facilitate it.

Thanks.

It would be if she hadn't sat in silence during the visit and passed her number on in a sneaky way.

From previous form, this isn't as innocent as it seems.

They were our guests to thank and no harm passing her thanks through us, or saying so as they left.

To want their address without having had enough time to know if they get on, wasn't about a connection, but just fomo and yet more control.

Precisely this!

If you break apart a narcissist's behaviour, it all seems innocent in small parts, yet the bigger picture is anything but.

I don’t understand what her sitting in silence in their presence has to do with anything? Other than the fact that she clearly struggles socially if she is always talking about friends who ‘wrong’ her and doesn’t grasp that sitting silently when you meet new people is highly unlikely to ignite the friendship she would clearly like it to be? I don’t blame you in the least for not wanting to share friends with someone who has a long history of falling out with everyone, but surely it’s deeply unlikely that a couple she met once and said little or nothing to are going to actively pursue a friendship on the basis of a single letter? And it would be easily dealt with by saying to them ‘Never mind MIL — saying nothing at all to you and then giving you her phone number is par for the course for her. I would definitely not phone her!’

The things is with this sort of character, it’s a case of give an inch and they take a yard.
it would all end in tears , as op has experienced many times.

Precisely, to know is to understand as the saying goes. .
Until you've encountered a narcissist where you go through the ups and downs of questioning & doubting yourself constantly, it's easy to take things at face value.

Well, ‘narcissist’ is a meaningless term the way it’s thrown around on here — a pop psychology ‘diagnosis’. I get that you don’t like your MIL, that she has a long history of difficult behaviour and feeling ‘wronged’, and, as I said above, I get why you wouldn’t want her to befriend your friends and involve you in a potential falling out.

But all you describe is a socially-inept woman choosing a deeply inept way to try to befriend people in whom she showed little or no interest when she was actually in their company and, weirdly, later writing them a letter to ‘thank’ them for visiting you. I mean, absolutely this is weird, and mildly annoying, but your response to it sounds completely over the top in that you’ve leapt ahead to the idea of ‘sharing friends’ with MIL.

She’s met these people once, is unlikely to have dazzled them with her wit and charm if she sat in silence, and lives six hours away. Why would you assume they’re going to become friends? Did they really like her? And if you do think of her as someone likely to try to move in and mess up your friendships, why did you invite the new friends over when she was visiting?

Well, I mentioned earlier how they all got to be here at the same time, big mistake on my part.

I've known MIL for over ten years, so I know what I'm talking about.
My DH, who's worked in mental health for years and lived through it all his life, agrees she has narcissistic tendencies.

This is a snapshot of the many inappropriate things she does and doesn't scratch the surface.

She isn't socially inept, but adapts to suit her narrative.
She can be charming and is intelligent.

Thing is, she would either dazzle them or be a nuisance, so not passing on the letter is the best way to nip it in the bud.

“Always talking about friends who ‘wrong’ her” is just part of her victim mentality and a classic symptom of a narcissist and/or fantasist. Not understanding social cues doesn't necessarily mean she “struggles socially” - in the context of her other behaviour it smacks of lack of self-awareness more than anything.

It's so easy to dismiss 'narcissist' as a term made meaningless by overuse, isn't it @Bridestone?

So let's be more precise. I doubt OP is describing Narcissistic Personality Disorder as defined in the DSM-5. But strong narcissistic traits are a fucking nightmare to deal with, especially in family members. Those who are so airily dismissive usually haven't been at the coal face.

I think you missed the part where OP describes the impact MIL’s behaviour has had on her three (now adult) children.

I could not stress this god damn enough!!

People who eye roll at the tern narcissistic absolutely have escaped the experience of living through this or growing up in a family like this. Or, quite often I now realise, many people don't even realise they're actually surrounded by them and they're not quite awake to it yet.

It has taken 15 years of therapy and various life events for me to see,at last, that I have been surrounded and manipulated my entire life. My own mum being the matriarch sadly. I'm 45. That's how long this took to see.

And when you see it, you then spot it easily in others - it's horrifying. I believe a significant proportion of people are fucked up like this.

This is the thing, she's a victim when she chooses, usually in self inflicted situations.
Never in the wrong, never apologises, even for the tiniest things and finds it almost impossible to say thank you.
She's the type of person some would say is an amazing person, and someone else will think you're talking about a completely different person.

True, those dismissive are fortunately lucky to never have encountered it, or see it as normal as they are unfortunately the same way.

She is very much narcissistic. It was clear straight away to me in your post. Slightly further up the scale is sociopathic, and she could even be that.

She's very dangerous emotionally and mentally. The sons really would do better putting very firm boundaries in place. Your husband is lucky to have you supporting him. It weakens the power of nutty slack mum. And believe me, she's off her rocker in many ways.

She will see her son, your husband, like an object that she owns. That's what they do. She will have no empathy, but will perform just enough to appear that she does. Your husband will be trauma bonded to her. The inheritance will feature in his mind somewhere probably too. She probably reminds him in subtle ways about that one.

This, the many friends she's lost along the way, the friends whose pla es she's never invited to, the siblings who haven't spoken to her for years, the lost is endless, with one common denominator.

Thank you, DH and his brothers now have boundaries, but it's still a battle.
She was upset with DBIL for going on holiday to one of her favourite places without her, then sulked and didn't speak to him for weeks.
This was after DH & I spending a lot of time encouraging DBIL not to go with her as he'd always done. Took ages to convince him as he had rightly predicted the fallout.

He still takes her away once a year but It's a start and he now goes on more holidays on his own.

Problem is, if you're talking about any place, she'll mention how she's always wanted to visit or to go again if she's already been.
How it would be lovely for us all to go together etc.

Agree with your posts, It's very much like you describe and sad you have to experience it to believe it.
Well done for breaking free, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to them and face the tantrums.

You're right in some being blind to it too as they can be charming and know how to manipulate people.
Sometimes it takes an outsider to point it out.

Keep fighting the good fight OP 💪 I feel for your DBILs who it sounds like have never been able to sustain relationship possibly because of a lifetime of MIL’s psychodramas

Thank you, can't blame them for not wanting to bring anyone around MIL. Either that or the fear of marrying a copy of her. 🫣