Sharing friends.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

OK, it's a DMIL one.

Made new friends with a couple and invited them over whilst MIL was visiting.

At some point when DH & I were out of the room, she gave them her phone number.

She didn't mention it until they'd left, which seemed odd and a bit sneaky.
Would be one thing if they got on like a house on fire, but ahe was basically mute and had to be prompted to join in the conversation.

We are in a new place, DMIL lives 6 hours away and new friends live on the next road from us.

DH & I can cope with MIL in short bursts as she can be overbearing.

Just when she was here, she was talking of friends who've ghosted her. There's always someone who's wronged her and she has no self awareness.

The AIBU:
Since she got back home, she sent us a parcel with a sealed and stamped card to be passed on to new friends as she doesn't have their address.

She said the letter is a thank you for visiting.
Except, they were our guests and we've already said thanks for coming.

Wwyd? This sounds petty, but I don't want to share friends with MIL and neither does DH as she'll take over and probably end up spoiling the friendship, even from many miles away.

Yet we're the ones living close to these people and see them about.

If she were to be friends with them, we'd step back as no good would come from it.

Would you pass the letter on or say not to worry, have already passed thanks for us all and bin?

Haven't opened it and don't intend to, but don't want to bin without mentioning it to her.

Has anyone shared friends with a MIL/ DM?

YABU - Pass it on.
YANBU - Don't facilitate it.

Thanks.

The friends were booked a while back, before MIL invited herself over. (Another long story).

We cut the visit short as she was around and didn't want it to be uncomfortable for her or the new friends.

Have been kicking myself for not cancelling them but as we're their only friends, felt bad doing so.

Thanks.

I'd thought of just ignoring it until she asks, then say we've done the thanks so no need.
Argh, such a palaver!

It was already arranged and she invited herself over.

I feel like new friends will think we're odd by proxy.

We're in the middle of nowhere and has been a struggle meeting people.

Finally, when we do, MIL manages to insert herself.

If they were well established friends, I'd be more comfortable saying to them how inappropriate MIL can be.

But as they're new friends, don't want to start the friendship off with MIL weirdness.

Thats so tricky. I would def open as other advise and not pass it on. Imagine how difficult possition it must be fir your friends. They would feel obliged to invite her too when they have you over. Social nightmare.
Out of respect for them cut it and tell her off for beeing so intrusive!
What she did is not polite or considerate.

I have two relatives who have similar traits, although, at least one of them would have gone the other way and subjected the friends to an intrusive interrogation that the CIA would be proud of into the bargain. And then there would be Christmas cards, or random gifts to pass on, enquiries after the friend every week for the next decade. Even if they never met again.

Anyway, I wouldn't be indulging the weirdness, I'd call it out and just tell her it's ott or intense asking people for their number and then sending them things as if they visited her house not yours and just say you're not getting involved in it or acting as a go-between.
Then change the subject and if she brings it up again just say "oh you're being a bit intense again, we've been over this before" and change the subject again. Every single time. Don't give it oxygen by getting into a longer discussion about it or by appeasing her by implying you've given it to your friends.
Also, never have her over at the same time aas other people.

If you don't deal with it directly and set your boundaries at the start, you'll have to deal with the secondary weirdness for freaking years.

Dear MIL,

Thank you for the card (the one to us) and glad you enjoyed your stay.

I've already sent thank yous from all of us, seeing as I'd invited Jim & Mary, so no need.

Hope you're enjoying the bank holiday and manage some outings.

Lovely weather here and good to see the garden filling out and birds busy building nests.

Have a good week.

Love Trees.

If she comes back, I'm tempted to say, sorry but I feel like you don't think I know etiquette enough to thank our own guests.

Does this sound good?

Those saying to leave it to DH, he wouldn't say anything and would rather chuck it..
But I don't want to be sneaky and she should know it's not the done thing.

Although she already knows but banks on awkwardness avoidance from us to bulldoze her way.

That's the thing, she thinks she's being ever so polite, yet it's just a rude thing to do to both us as hosts and the new friends.

Oh dear, full on CIA would be another level.

Although saying that, we don't know what she may have said when DH & I were out of the room as we haven't spoken to friends since. Dreading it now!

She'd done similar @EggCustardTart but that was years ago and I shut it down.

It's always when you least expect and rushed off your feet.

I was kicking myself for it all even before the guests had left.

Absolutely never mixing her with other people again!

She certainly would do the passing on letters/parcels/asking after them etc.

Thanks for the decade warning as that's so true too.
Would rather have a bit of short-term discomfort than years of it.

Why are you sending the communication rather than your husband?

I'd be inclined to say 'What parcel? Royal Mail are so rubbish aren't they? We've not had anything from you." when she asks.

That is such an odd thing for your MIL to do.

I would also be tempted to be fairly honest with your friends. A breezy “sorry about that, she invited herself over, we were really stuck and didn’t want to let you down, but thank goodness she’s gone home now” and then maybe “do you know what, she wanted us to pass on a card of thanks from her to you for visiting our house! How OTT is she!?” type of explanation.

I don’t know if you’ve sent your message already but if it were me I’d not acknowledge it. bin the card (being honest I would read it first) and completely ignore it. If she asks at a later date pretend to have forgotten “oh I’m not sure, I can’t remember, do you want a cup of tea.” be dismissive. Make her feel silly for asking and chasing you up about it. By engaging with her in any way you’re fuelling the fire. So minimal & boring interactions is the best way forward.

Tell her firmly no and start to stand your ground, she sounds hard work. I know a mil who quizzed her dils relatives (at the wedding!) all about the dil and then asked dil for their addresses and numbers so she could 'keep in touch'. Her dil had to refuse and now cuts off similar batshit requests/desperate ploys for intel.

Exactly.

DH needs to be blunt. Mum this is weird. I've put it in the bin.

Stop people pleasing. If you weren't trying to be nice they wouldn't have visited at the same time.

The three of us are on a WhatsApp group chat and all speak to each other. I won't send it directly.
If up to DH, he wouldn't just ignore it, but as others have said, if not dealt with now, it could carry on for years.

She'd send it again, very much brass necked unfortunately.
Think I need to shut it down.

Not sent yet but she won't let it go unless it's shut down. She has form and has no qualms about making things awkward unfortunately.

That's true, shouldn't have had them all at the same time.
But DH wouldn't say anything as she'd be condescending to him, less so to me.

Putting it in the group chat means she can't be victimy to DH as she's bound to say "I wasn't allowed to say thank you" and make out she's hard done by.

@shutthefuckup
Reading this post gave me chills.
MIL was definitely narcissistic
SIL went no about 10 years ago.
Dh and bil always saw her, but me and dh were low contact - absolutely no self awareness
dh was golden child but it still didn’t endear her to us.
very strong boundaries op.

I’d just ‘forget’ to send it and play ‘dumb’ and ‘apologetic’ if she ever asks about it!

Or claim you sent it and it was lost in the mail.

How will your new friends ever know? And how would it come up again?

Such a shame isn't it.
Don't know how DH & DBILs have managed to stay sane in the midst of it all.

Another example, DH bumped into an old village neighbour of theirs at the Church graveyard where they used to live and mentioned it in passing to DMIL, who'd moved away from the village for and lost contact with the neighbours.

She then took it upon herself to write to this poor lady to say DH had seen her at her son's grave and how sad it all was.
Only found out years later when she was mentioning how rude the old neighbour for not replying.

My jaw was literally on the floor. Who does that!

Think it's best I go LC and call out such things as they happen.

Sounds like a very good plan.
Dh is a wonderful man despite mil.