Sharing friends.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

OK, it's a DMIL one.

Made new friends with a couple and invited them over whilst MIL was visiting.

At some point when DH & I were out of the room, she gave them her phone number.

She didn't mention it until they'd left, which seemed odd and a bit sneaky.
Would be one thing if they got on like a house on fire, but ahe was basically mute and had to be prompted to join in the conversation.

We are in a new place, DMIL lives 6 hours away and new friends live on the next road from us.

DH & I can cope with MIL in short bursts as she can be overbearing.

Just when she was here, she was talking of friends who've ghosted her. There's always someone who's wronged her and she has no self awareness.

The AIBU:
Since she got back home, she sent us a parcel with a sealed and stamped card to be passed on to new friends as she doesn't have their address.

She said the letter is a thank you for visiting.
Except, they were our guests and we've already said thanks for coming.

Wwyd? This sounds petty, but I don't want to share friends with MIL and neither does DH as she'll take over and probably end up spoiling the friendship, even from many miles away.

Yet we're the ones living close to these people and see them about.

If she were to be friends with them, we'd step back as no good would come from it.

Would you pass the letter on or say not to worry, have already passed thanks for us all and bin?

Haven't opened it and don't intend to, but don't want to bin without mentioning it to her.

Has anyone shared friends with a MIL/ DM?

YABU - Pass it on.
YANBU - Don't facilitate it.

Thanks.

Well done for going LC.

Interestingly, DH is also the favourite child, so can't begin to imagine what's it's like for the other DBILs.

She was snappy and just plain unpleasant when here.
Always with a classic Mumsnet tinkly laugh at the end or when challenged, claimed it was a joke.
Sandwiched with enough niceties to make you feel bad for calling the bad stuff out.

Writing this is bringing up more stuff which is mostly control, digs, silent treatment, disrespect and sadly jealousy too.

If it were up to her, I wouldn't be here so she can continue the control without being challenged.

DBILs are are both late 40's and early 50's and not married, and she seems to like it that way.

She'd message to ask, she has no shame unfortunately.

I think I’d be starting to employ that Mumsnet favourite, “no, that doesn’t work for me” every time she invites herself over.

Your reply sounds perfect OP.

If she challenges this in any way - I say ignore it.

She must hate you 😆. I laugh because she will only dislike you for the fact you set this boundary. Not because there's anything about you that should be hated.

I'd reduce the number of visits and contact dramatically. For your husband's health and well being, and yours. She will fuck up everything. I'd also try separate yourself from her somehow in the language you use when you converse with neighbours. Not bitching about her of course ( feeding her victim role), but somehow using language to show you aren't in line with her and what she does communication wise.

What is stopping DH from asserting himself with her?

It's usually the Will or something like that. Unfortunately, the will and inheritance is usually what keeps the power dynamic and the family cult operating.

Awful.
Just awful.
The day dh stood up to his mum - actual raised his voice slightly (he has a fairly deep voice anyway).
And said ‘Enough ‘ while giving her the look - I could have applauded.
@Pleaseshutthefuckup
Poor bil was promised all sorts in the will - Nothing - absolutely nothing materialised.
Luckily there is something we , as a family can off set, so when the time comes we will make sure bil is sorted.

No new advice but what a bizarre woman! You’re doing the right thing. If I’d passed that card on I’d be concerned that by proxy I came across as strange.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere you have my sympathies. Good luck in shutting it down.

I found the gift situation became increasing weird. It encouraged an odd sense of entitlement - like they were owed ongoing information about the friend, in return.
The whole thing was like a desperate attempt, on the relative's part, to be relevant and involved in everything.

It's hard to explain it to people who have never experienced it but simply ignoring the issue doesn't work nor does lying about it because more gifts etc materialise. The only thing that works is to cut it off at the start and refuse to play the game.
And even then, they will do the wounded animal, hurt feelings thing and imply that you're the odd one. But at least that's short-lived.

Thank you, yes, she does! 😅.
She wishes her boys were all single so she could continue controlling them all without being challenged.
She'd love me if I rolled over backwards as she first expected.

DH and BILs are better now at standing up for themselves than when I first met DH, but there's still more work to do.

It's all they've ever known.

DBIL once wore a hat to a gathering to hide his haircut as MIL would disapprove.

It's also just not in DHs nature to send such a reply, so she'd know it was me.

I'd rather do it myself than her think I'm hiding behind DH.

Certainly will be dialling the visits down.
With the old neighbours, DH had travelled to the graveyard, as he had also moved from there ages ago, which is what made it more weird that she contacted the old neighbour.

DFIL died after being treated the same way and left everything to her.
I guess the will plays a part but they'd never abandoned her even if she didn't have a penny to her name. It's a control thing she's practiced since they were born.

6 hours away

Gosh, how awful of her, poor bil.
Well done to your DH for standing up to her & you both for sticking up for bil.

DH has done similar and she snapped back that it was a joke! Followed by silent treatment.

Gosh, realising more & more how much turmoil he carries around with him.

True, someone said earlier that I was overreacting and all I could think was how lucky to never have experienced a narcissist's endless mind games.

You're right about the entitlement too and endless bringing them up for eternity.

It's bad enough having to listen to her monologues about people we don't know.

Very odd behaviour. I would pass it on, but acknowledge the weirdness of your MILs behaviour to your friends.

The standard lines used by personality disordered people are-

It's just a joke / I was only joking
You're too sensitive
You're over reacting
Can't you take a joke
Don't be so sensitive

It is entirely invalidating, minimising, usually gaslighting, insidious and it always avoids accountability.

If it's all one has ever known then it can be difficult for people to realise this and people naturally then question themselves when presented with these stock lines.

Goodness she sounds like my younger sister. Is there a disorder for people who have zero self awareness? So far BPD is the closest someone suggested to me on a thread of my own.

its enough to drive you mad as their requests and expectations are so detached from reality.

be lucky she lives 6 hours away, my sister moved 10 min walk from where I live after I moved in. With a baby and 2 year old, plus dog, DH and me are maxed and have had to say no to her constant inviting herself round, asking to borrow things, even askong if her friends could borrow something the other day. No matter how many times I say I don’t have capacity for anyone or anything, nothing clicks. And yes she has had many ex partners and friends, nothing is her fault. Even after one breakup she moved herself in my home for 5 weeks and drove me mad, if I bring that up, it was my fault she behaved that way.

it’s so stressful. I feel for you. They can’t make their own way in life. They want to piggy back onto yours. When the answer is yes to requests, they keep coming. When the answer is no, they have a problem.

My advice is say no. No when she invites herself over, ‘sorry we have plans’ and no when she does weird stuff like this.

what will she react like when you say no? I don’t see her as being emotional? My DS breaks down in tears telling me she’s lonely and we don’t have a family so I’m ‘disgusting’ for not making more time for her and she should be my priority…

This is so true.
One of mine does this a lot.
It's never them. The other person is always too sensitive and cannot take a joke.
The other relative has form for just saying "forget it" whenever challenged.
Neither of them take any personal responsibility. And there are no boundaries.

And, yes, @Treesandsheepeverywhere , the monologues from one of them - many about people they don't know either. What is that all about? It would be funny if it wasn't so exhausting.
You're definitely not overreacting.

In the light of this update, please do your friends the true favour of NOT passing it on and not mentioning it to them either. They don't need to be made a target.

And you're likely to lose them as friends if you pass the parcel on, too. If I was building a new friendship with someone, I'd back off really quickly if one of their relatives made a crazy move like this ( and the potential new friends didn't nip it in the bud).

If she said ‘give it to them when you next see them’, then I wouldn’t bother and if she asks about it, just say we haven’t seen them yet. Repeat as needed.

Because surely then she’d just send another card? Or start badgering the friends with more messages? Or worse, start demanding to be taken over to see them next time she visits!

Personally I’d have passed the letter on with an eye roll and a “Sorry, this is typical MIL - feel free to bin it!” or similar. But I can see why OP would rather try to shut it down now. Either way has got to be better than just hoping it all goes away.

She is a textbook covert narcissist - and I know what I’m talking about because I was raised by one. Of course the only acceptable course of action for you is to read the letter and tell us all about it!

Gosh that's exhausting, sorry you're having to deal with all that.
Bad enough imposing herself and family, but to add on friends too!
And the cheek to say she should be the priority, gosh, the gall of some people.

Not sure what the disorder is, but should be recognised as it can drive others mad.

She's not so much emotional but will sulk and do the silent treatment.

It's exhausting as you know.

This is what I think, they'll see us as enmeshed and it's weird being friends with somone and their Mum/MIL.
Totally regret having them all together, didn't think it through and now paying the price.

Sorry you were raised by one.

So intrigued by the letter after all the people saying open it 😂.

UPDATE

I sent the below msg directly, not through the group. Figured might be easier without the feel of having an audience.

Dear MIL,

Thank you for the card (the one to DH & I) and glad you enjoyed your stay.

I've already sent thank yous from all of us, seeing as I'd invited J & R, so no need for a letter/card to thank them.

Hope you're enjoying the bank holiday and manage some outings.

Lovely weather here and good to see the garden filling out and birds busy building nests.

Have a good week.

REPLY

Hi Trees,
(Greetings, weather talk etc).....

Then!!

MIL: I sent the letter as I got the feeling R would like to keep in touch, so would be good for her to have my details.

ME: Of course, I guess she'll be in touch soon, seeing as you gave them your number.
Then attached photos of our garden and talked about flowers.

MIL: Beautiful flowers, garden looks lovely etc. Sends photos of her own garden.

ME: Thank you and yours looks beautiful too etc, enjoy the rest of the week.
Lots of love. xx

MIL: xx

No more messages.......

Well, there we have it! No passing on will be happening and my conscience is clear, hurrah!!!

Thank you so much all, the support gave me the courage to finally send the message as have been stewing for so long.

DH says she'll be fuming.

Good update.

That would be the sensible thing to do. I would feel tempted to open it but I don't think I would.