First date - was I wrong?

[PinataHeeHaw]

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

I hear your anger - and am in agreement about the need for support - but it's worth saying that the people on MN are just people like in the world out there. It's not going to be a utopia and if some people on here think something, then it's a view that's held out there too and as well to be aware of it rather than believing everyone thinks the same as you and being shocked when they don't. That's why some are calling the OP naive here, because it's all very well hoping guys are like the nice barge man with their best interests at heart, but plenty still think talk of knickers/getting warm/going back to yours is a come on and that's why it's best to have hard rules about not going their homes no matter what you've previously texted. Victim blaming is indeed terrible but look at the stats for rape prosecutions. It's not just 'people on MN', it's embedded in the whole system, so best to have the blinkers off and not take chances with strange men, no matter how much they've made you laugh for a couple of hours.

If I was raped because I went back to his house, would you still be blaming me?

I had a similar scenario when I was in my early 20s, had a great time talking and when he suggested coffee and continued chat back at his, I agreed thinking it would be coffee and chatting some more. I was raped and beaten, I wasn’t sure I would even get out of his flat alive.

I told my friend who had been with me earlier and she said “well what did you expect.” I didn’t tell the police or anyone else because after hearing my friend’s reaction, I did think to some extent that I had brought this on myself. It’s only in recent years that I’ve been able to accept that I was naive but this person was a horrible man and any decent man wouldn’t have done what he did.

It seems victim blaming is still alive and well. I’m glad you saw this man for who he really is.

Why? Because men are helpless when it comes to their dicks? Men should know when no means no and respect that the FIRST time.

I am so sorry for what you have been through. It wasn't your fault at all. I hope you're doing OK x

Why didn’t you nip into a cafe if it was cold?

He was definitely the unreasonable one though. Can’t believe he told he hasn’t had sex in a long time. What a douche. Next!

Talking of getting warm? Are you serious? Since when the fuck does getting warm mean having sex? Am I alone in thinking this?

All individuals have to take some measures to protect themselves . You lock your doors dont you? It’s to minimise risk. There is absolutely nothing wrong in going to someone’s home but it is unwise when you do t know them, people don’t know where you are etc. And sadly it’s even more risky when it’s a woman going back to a man’s place. Thats the fault of the predators, not the women, but given the fact that we know it’s a real risk it’s best not to do it.

We'd already been in the only nearby cafe and I didn't really fancy another drink.

"There would be none of that with this one. I felt like I needed a shower when I got home today"

Today, was this date this morning?

OP, never be prepared to excuse filth.
Its a huge mistake and will be one that will bite you on the arse.

He sounds like a filthy creep and predatory to boot.

It doesn't matter whether sometimes that phrase is used to perhaps continue/further things. What only matters is you said no and didn't want to do more.

Do not go on a second date with this one @PinataHeeHaw . He's show you who he is, believe him.

Baby it's cold outside, warming each other up, getting hot in herre, in heat... I don't know what planet you're on, but it's very well-worn flirtation territory and anything to do with heat and warmth can easily have sexual overtones.

No, because men can be fucking dangerous, especially ones we don’t know. Come on now. I’m firmly on your side (see my post upthread) but we absolutely can’t just trust men blind. And before anyone comes at me with ‘NAMALT’, I’m just being realistic. We have to take responsibility for our safety - that’s just the world we live in sadly.

I felt like I needed a shower when I got home today.

This happened today?

Yes 😢

^This

But it's clearly a generational thing. The older women here were taught to be much more street smart.

I asked the same question. Either was an early morning coffee or an over nighter.

Sorry you’ve had a disappointing date but you’re right no means no and he shouldn’t sulk.
I think the lesson here is to go on a date with knickers that stay up 🤣(I can hear Benny Hill music) and don’t go to either houses to get warm as (I’m saying this gently) it does give the impression you might want to take it further,
If you got on so well up to arriving at his house will you give him another chance of a date?

Yes I agree with you that there's a need to take precautions for your own safety. That's why I previously posted that it wasn't advisable to go to either of their homes and staying in a public place would be much better in the future.

It's obviously a million times better never to be raped and be vigilant in not taking unnecessary risks where it could happen. It shouldn't be necessary but in the real world, it is. Despite every precaution, there still will be people who get raped and immediately afterwards I would hope most people would want to give comfort and support, regardless of if "there's lessons the victim can learn from". I suspect that there's a vast majority of rape victims who lay enough blame on themselves without any outside assistance and in many many cases it's not warranted as nothing could have prevented it.

However as you pointed out, there's a range of responses in real life as well as MN.

So he thought you wanted to have sex with him in the middle of the day? That makes his ‘misunderstanding’ all the more ridiculous. Yeah, he can fuck right off.

Not your fault at all. Internet dating seems to have given men the green light to think just turning up means a blow job in a car park at the very least. Unfortunately you need to understand that this is the situation women are in. Don’t put yourself in a situation where this could happen, it pisses me off typing that, you shouldn’t have to anticipate that going back to man’s house means he thinks you want a quick fuck on his manky sofa.

See if this helps him in the future...

Have you been tackling him like an octopus all night?

Ha ha ha. Knickers always fall down on me! Not usually an issue when I wear leggings but no good in a dress! I've tried various sizes and still the same.

You state your boundaries and that’s fine but it’s bloody madness to go back to an unknown man’s house.

@Charlize43 I do wonder if the we are all the same msg and the be kind stuff has meant younger women feel more comfortable. My Mother warned me about men when I was young.