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Original poster

First date - was I wrong?

273 replies

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 11:58

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 15:05

WayneEyre · 03/05/2025 15:03

OP, I think you're not getting it.

No, you didn't have to have sex and you said so. That's clear.

However, in inviting yourself in after an first date to get warm or similar, or for coffee, or after he was making hints about your knickers, yes, those were indications that there was interest in more than just a cup of tea. Less than sexual intercourse but quite a lot can happen between that and understanding 'i don't want to have sex today'.

Lots of women with lots of experience are pragmatically advising you here. Yes, you should be able to do what you like and be clearly understood. But even with the best of intentions (not that this man necessarily had them), you're best off keeping first dates purely public unless you're both on the page of having sex. 'i don't want to have sex' but then kissing and having a tour of the bedroom? That's a bit of a mixed message on a first date. You didn't have a particular need to be there but chose to go anyway and he got pushy.

I have every right to say no to sex. Every right and it made it very clear before the date both by texts and on the date that I didn't do sex that early on in meeting someone.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 03/05/2025 15:05

FigTreeInEurope · 03/05/2025 14:42

I agree of course, and it wasn't wise for her to do that sadly. I was suprised to see so many women say "going back to yours was a code for sex" though. I guess it's put out there by films and tv programs like "friends", but the guy really was jumping to an assumption. I guess that's common now? I've had many women come back to mine on a first date, even strangers after clubs very drunk. I've never assumed that was a green flag for sex though. I live on a big old river barge, and half the time they're more curious about the interior decoration than a night of passion. Dude was a creep, and she does need to be more careful. It's a hard and complicated world to make a connection in, so glad i'm married, i don't think i could hack dating now.

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I live on a big old river barge

Ah, well, not that trad misogynists can't live on river barges, but you've gotta know that you're not the typical guy. So again, your stance is good, but there's no comparison between nice empathic guy who takes drunk strangers home to his interesting barge and looks after them, and this ignorant horny asshole climbing on resistant women in his bog standard shitpit. Safer all round for OP to assume the latter is rife in the dating pool and take a more cautious approach.

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 15:06

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 14:37

If someone writes a post such as the one you wrote you should expect some blunt comments….you didn’t and that also indicates signs of naivety / silliness

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You love the word 'naive' and variations of it, don't you? Does it make you feel clever using it?

OP posts:
Verydemure · 03/05/2025 15:07

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 12:07

Oh gosh I'm here feeling sorry for myself now. We got on so well but it was really only about the sex for him wasn't it? Also feeling shit that me going to his house lead him on and encouraged his behaviour.

Don’t feel sorry for yourself.

Look on the bright side- you now know he is a massive creep and saved yourself a lot of time.

He may not have had the opportunity to show what a creep he is for weeks or months if this hadn’t happened

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 15:08

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 03/05/2025 14:45

OP, I’ve reported the personal attacks.

Thank you.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 03/05/2025 15:09

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 15:05

I have every right to say no to sex. Every right and it made it very clear before the date both by texts and on the date that I didn't do sex that early on in meeting someone.

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I'm pretty sure no one here is disputing that you have every right to say no to sex. If that's what you're taking from the thread, then you're missing the point.

WayneEyre · 03/05/2025 15:12

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 15:05

I have every right to say no to sex. Every right and it made it very clear before the date both by texts and on the date that I didn't do sex that early on in meeting someone.

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I have just spelled both of those points out for you. You have repeated them and haven't understood a word that followed. I daresay you'll carry on feeling sorry for yourself and making poor decisions.

Verydemure · 03/05/2025 15:14

@PinataHeeHaw and you didn’t do anything wrong btw. sorry you’re being victim blamed.

The reality is all women take a risk when they go home with a guy.

what difference it would’ve made if you’d gone after 1 date or 10 dates, I don’t know. It doesn’t mean he’s less likely to be a rapist or a creep.

Most women are raped by men they know- and that is men they know relatively well. Colleagues, university friends etc. In fact, if these women know their rapist well, it can be harder to prove.

NaeRolls · 03/05/2025 15:15

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 12:04

In hindsight I wish I had suggested we continue the date elsewhere other than his house. We got on great though and I've been single for years now. Please tell me not all men are like this.

Not all men are like this, but unfortunately many of them are. Wait for a good one - they are out there and you deserve better!

pinkyredrose · 03/05/2025 15:17

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 13:51

Stop trying to lead her to believe that there was nothing wrong with her behaviour, she needs to learn from this so she doesn’t put herself in a position of potential danger again

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Ah right, women don't get raped, they 'get themselves raped'.

This is total victim blaming and excusing a man of his own actions.

BangersAndGnash · 03/05/2025 15:18

Going back to his was very much open to interpretation … however once he realised sex was NOT your intention he should have backed off, apologised, respected your boundary.

His continuing to press sex, guilt tripping you etc was 100% out of order … so now you know what he is like.

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 15:22

pinkyredrose · 03/05/2025 15:17

Ah right, women don't get raped, they 'get themselves raped'.

This is total victim blaming and excusing a man of his own actions.

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Didn’t say that, stop trying to twist things

Women need to take some responsability for their own safety

pinkyredrose · 03/05/2025 15:23

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 14:41

Thank you. All I wanted was for us to chat further as we had a great time on our walk. Shame he showed his true colours.

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It's not a shame, it's good that you know on date one that he's a wrong 'un before you waste any more time on him.

ByNaiceLimeCritic · 03/05/2025 15:26

If you had said, "let's go to your house and fuck" it still wouldn't mean he could continue to assume sex was on the table after your initial comment that you weren't interested. So while I don't think he was wrong to think he might be suggestive of sex, it doesn't actually matter, because you'd been clear that wasn't what you were interested in.

Charlize43 · 03/05/2025 15:27

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 14:43

I'm 58 but for my generation after a night out someone asking 'Do you want to come back for coffee?' was taken to mean 'Do you want to come back for sex?.'

Everyone knows this so it’s unbelievable that the OP didn’t .
To make matters worse I think she suggested going back to one or other of their houses to ‘get warm’ , That’s even more leading than saying ‘do you want to come back for coffee’

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Yes, I think saying 'get warm' could be very open to interpretation.

Asking a man back to your home on a first date or accepting to go home with him, for me, does give the signal that sex may be on the cards. Going to someones house or taking someone home that you don't know very well is potentially dangerous for a women. There is risk: You could get raped. Worse you could be murdered.

Personally, I think the OP put herself in a position of danger as she didn't know him well enough. The suggestion of going back to each others houses could be interpreted as something more could happen...

I always remember my mother (French) telling me in my 20s (ha ha, too late) that asking a man you'd met at a party if he could drive you home was letting him know that you found him attractive and would be up for sex. Likewise, on arrival, inviting them in for 'coffee' or a 'nightcap' was an even more blatant signal to get them inside...

brettsalanger · 03/05/2025 15:27

You’re not wrong.

However you put yourself in a very dangerous position.

Sherararara · 03/05/2025 15:28

Charlize43 · 03/05/2025 15:27

Yes, I think saying 'get warm' could be very open to interpretation.

Asking a man back to your home on a first date or accepting to go home with him, for me, does give the signal that sex may be on the cards. Going to someones house or taking someone home that you don't know very well is potentially dangerous for a women. There is risk: You could get raped. Worse you could be murdered.

Personally, I think the OP put herself in a position of danger as she didn't know him well enough. The suggestion of going back to each others houses could be interpreted as something more could happen...

I always remember my mother (French) telling me in my 20s (ha ha, too late) that asking a man you'd met at a party if he could drive you home was letting him know that you found him attractive and would be up for sex. Likewise, on arrival, inviting them in for 'coffee' or a 'nightcap' was an even more blatant signal to get them inside...

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Yes to all this.

Strangeworldtoday · 03/05/2025 15:30
  1. Dont to strange mens houses alone
  2. Yes, going back for coffee can be interpreted as wanting sex, hence dont go back to strange mens houses.
  3. At least you know now on date 1 that hes a creep.
  4. Put it down to experience.
JustSawJohnny · 03/05/2025 15:31

If I'm honest, whenever I've been on a date and a suggestion has been made to go back to either parties' place, it has been for sex.

I would absolutely take it that way unless they said not up front.

That said, the weird knickers thing and the pouting would be an absolute no for me. Add that to the filthy house and. well, not an awfully good prospect, is he?

outerspacepotato · 03/05/2025 15:33

You ignored or are unaware of personal safety rules like don't go to the house of a man you barely know (or take him to yours). Read up on personal safety and dating.

Yes, going to his house after a date would be taken as a sign you were up for sexual activity where I am, but you said no and he should listen.

BeNavyCrab · 03/05/2025 15:34

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 14:46

Oh for fucks sake. Since when has 'getting warm' meant wanting sex? He knew full well I wasn't up for sex. I'm sure I even told him I don't do sex on the first few dates previously in text messages. If I was raped because I went back to his house, would you still be blaming me?

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Incredibly there are people on MN who will say it's the victim's fault. There was a poor lady who had just been raped, who posted on here for support and had many many posts where they asked her why she didn't see the signs, what she'd done to cause it etc!This was after she had said she was in a very fragile emotional state understandably. It truly was shocking to me and very damaging and unhelpful.

katkintreats · 03/05/2025 15:35

In my experience, suggesting going back to the house is highly suggestive of fancying sex. However, that doesn’t mean he had the right to expect it and should have backed off immediately once you said you didn't want to.

NovemberMorn · 03/05/2025 15:37

OP, you were not wrong, you were definitely silly....in my opinion.

Apreslapluielesoleil · 03/05/2025 15:39

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 12:07

Oh gosh I'm here feeling sorry for myself now. We got on so well but it was really only about the sex for him wasn't it? Also feeling shit that me going to his house lead him on and encouraged his behaviour.

You didn’t lead him anywhere. He’s an adult human and capable of behaving with courtesy if he wanted to. He didn’t want to behave like that, he chose to grope you and play the pity card hoping you’d have sex with him. So grim.
The niceness, laughter was all an act to hook you in.

Verydemure · 03/05/2025 15:41

Charlize43 · 03/05/2025 15:27

Yes, I think saying 'get warm' could be very open to interpretation.

Asking a man back to your home on a first date or accepting to go home with him, for me, does give the signal that sex may be on the cards. Going to someones house or taking someone home that you don't know very well is potentially dangerous for a women. There is risk: You could get raped. Worse you could be murdered.

Personally, I think the OP put herself in a position of danger as she didn't know him well enough. The suggestion of going back to each others houses could be interpreted as something more could happen...

I always remember my mother (French) telling me in my 20s (ha ha, too late) that asking a man you'd met at a party if he could drive you home was letting him know that you found him attractive and would be up for sex. Likewise, on arrival, inviting them in for 'coffee' or a 'nightcap' was an even more blatant signal to get them inside...

Show quote history

But these are different times. And times have changed since the 60’s.

In your Mother’s youth, women couldn’t just say they wanted to have sex. No need for secret codes nowadays.

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