to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

DH and I had this conversation recently after I'd been out somewhere and seen loads of grandparents with pushchairs looking phenomenally miserable tbh.

He said he doesn't want to do childcare because he doesn't like kids enough. (He was great with his own and I suspect will change his mind if we become grandparents.)

I said I would do some childcare because I remember how fucking expensive it was to pay for nursery but it was that or my job - not his <hard stare> and I'd do it out of kindness.

Moot point currently but I'm not exactly looking forward to it, I am mid fifties now and I'm markedly more tired than even 5 years ago!

So, my parents live a long way from me so couldn't do childcare.

My dad wasn't working when I had my eldest & he offered to look after him while I got back on my feet (straight back onto full time teaching) but to bear in mind that was for six months tops and then we would need to sort something else out. We also agreed to pay a small amount to cover him taking out, food etc (about £30 a week!).

My parents look after my neices and nephews in the holidays occasionally or if there's a teacher training day or it's bank holiday and my brother and wife have to work and childcare has fallen through (they usually manage around their work but occasionally meetings etc crop up!) But they wouldn't want to do it full time - they've done their slog of looking after you g children and now they're retired they want the freedom of spending their days how they want.

Yes it is only young women who are reluctant to have children. Men do not need to worry on the whole as they leave it to the women to sort out the childcare like so many have mentioned on this thread by often getting their mothers to do it.

It is mostly grandmothers leaving their jobs to look after GC not grandfathers.

He said he doesn't want to do childcare because he doesn't like kids enough.

Men don't get criticised for saying stuff like this on the whole whereas women on this thread have been criticised over and over for not wanting to do childcare for their GC.

Yeah I agree they get a free pass - it's not fair. (But if you read my post, I am saying I am not keen either!)

Help how? Surely there’s a difference between ’helping’ (which is in my mind babysitting for nights out, appointments, or if they’re off school sick etc) and being expected to give up whole days of your life every single week. That goes beyond ‘help’. I would never have expected anyone (even my own mother) to provide that level of help. That’s expecting someone to undertake a paid role for you, for free.

@MmeChoufleur no it isn't - or should my grandparents pay me to clean their home for them weekly, cook for them twice a week and do their food shopping.

I regularly help them, and I will regularly help my own parents as they age, and wouldn't dream of asking for a penny and vice versa.

We get 3 days (split between my parents and in-laws) and money has never entered into it. They each do one day a week plus another every other week.
What's more they offered/asked to provide care as soon as I was pregnant - literally jumped at the chance to help us because they love us.

Different things work for different families and our family could never be that transactional. Its likely cultural but to me it's grim.

Who said anything about leaving their jobs? My grandfather tutored and cared for me and my siblings and cousins alongside of my grandmother once he moved to p/t work in his 60s. I guess this is the benefit of working for oneself.

The statistics show grandmothers are leaving their job to care for GC.

Grandfathers tend not to do the monotonous domestic tasks according to research.

I agree with this. I'm always shocked at posts about charging kids' rent to live in their own home. My family would never ask for money to look after the grandkids. But equally I would never ask for money if I helped them out. Family help each other out of love

How are you repeatedly shocked firstly by the same thing more then once and secondly by something so mundane as a working adult making a contribution to their living expenses. I find that hard to believe

Parents are financially responsible for their offspring until they move out and have a child of their own. At that point they also become responsible for their child’s child according to some on this thread. Because today’s young adults believe that they should never take responsibility for themselves, nor be responsible for their own children. I wonder if their mothers will ever get a day’s rest before they die?

This is so so untrue, please dont paint all young adults with the same brush! I deliberately don’t work full time so not to burden my own father and father in law, i never go on nights out, never go on holiday without my children, my children are mine and mine alone to raise, am I lucky to receive support when needed? Yes, but it also works both ways. My father in law is happy to have a meal cooked for him if he comes to sit with the children a while, my father is glad of the shopping we bring him when we go to town. Its called being a family!!

What an ignorant and smarmy statement.

It’s not “selfish” to expect adults to take responsibility for their own choices.

Childcare costs are well known; couples who want children can plan and save in advance. Not hijack others’ lives.

But there is also nothing wrong with helping your own family if you are able to.

… without sacrificing your own physical and mental health to save another person a few quid.

Of course but surely these grandmothers should be in a position to speak up to their sons/daughters and say I am happy to do so and so but no more than that? Why are they saying yes yes? Honest conversations would and can sort a-lot of problems…

Well, you know what they say about statistics - don’t be one of them.

Maybe because if they dont do what their children or their children'' partners demand they will not be allowed to see their grandchildren?

My MIL offered one day a week and occasional whole weekends and that worked for everyone. My parents were further away but willingly did babysitting. I would never have completely relied on them or asked them to do more than they wanted. I'd do the same for DDs when they have kids.

Can't relate fortunately. My mother in law asked to have my baby 2 days a week instead of full time childcare and loves it.

I would expect these same women got alot of support from their parents ... I know mine did.

How sad and despressing ....

It has wider implications than that 🙄

Why would you relate unless you are a grandmother being pressurised into childcare?

Just because your MIL is happy to look after your baby does not mean others are.

Grandmothers are under so much more pressure and expectations. Sometimes they will not see their GC unless they do childcare.

Just read this thread to see how many women are incensed that their mother will not do childcare for their DC when they had help themselves.

Men mostly go off and enjoy their retirement.