to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

Hasn’t the gist of the thread changed since the original title?

are we taking about Gm’s not on board for Gc duties or moaning about lack of male GP responsibilities ?

My parents (well, mum) were fair I thought. A day a week in term time for three years while I worked, and having my sisters' two for weekends throughout their childhoods (she didn't work at all when they were primary age but it was a break and DNieces and DM developed a lovely relationship). DM now has our daughter an occasional INSET but we've almost never asked for any "leisure" childcare so to speak.

It still caused issues between my sister and me but she has always brushed off the additional 3-4 hour round trip that would have been required if my mum had had the kids at hers (DH and I always dropped and collected). The driving can be as tiring as the kids when you're older.

It's a minefield. And our mum offered to do the day a week in the baby years - we didn't ask!

I think the crucial question is will the adult DC make paid for arrangements ASAP if granny (or granddad) wants to stop? What's the Plan B?

Doesn't one follow from the other?

Well, yes, they should be taken with a grain of salt if the suggestion is that they can tell us anything either way about how most grandparents feel as they're random anecdotes!

I will not want to look after my grandchildren often. I've done my stint. I want my time to be free

No

That is not the issue. The issue is as many posters have mentioned is the expectations and pressure on grandmothers that is rarely there for grandfathers.

True but being pressurised into childcare as many women have mentioned is a more important issue.

Both are mentioned in the OP.

Grandparents should be there for the fun parts not the day to day stuff they are not a 2nd/3rd parent. I think it great to spend time with grandkids but should be done on the Grandparents terms not 5 days a week 12 hrs a day. I honestly wonder why some people bother having kids when they expect someone else to raise them

One of the big issues is working hours and locations.

8-5 and 9-6 working patterns have crept in where the standard used to be lower, and people tend to live further from work than they did generations ago. Occasionally older people can be unaware of these changes and just see it as a "working day" without appreciating the extra time impact (e.g. my MIL, to whom 9.30-4, an hour lunch and coffee breaks were standard and doesn't understand why we're whizzing around).

The time pressures mean an excess demand for a grandparent covering a full day and a parent who is running around doing the before and after and working in-between. It's not a recipe for harmony.

We're fortunate enough to stick for childcare for emergencies and for fun only, and the emergency days are bad enough.

Sorry I haven't rtft. But why is that surprising, so many fathers are absent or useless, so surely many grandfathers will be even less engaged. Surely that's not rocket science?

I was 54 when my first grandchild was born and I arranged with my workplace to do the equivalent of one day a week at home so I could look after her. My second grandchild came along 2 years later and we looked after them both until they went to school. Now we just have them a day a week in the school holidays and for occasional overnighters. It is getting easier now they are 8 and 10
My grandson was born a year ago (not the same family) and mum has just gone back to work so we are having him one day a week. I am retired now and i was keen to have him - he's a sweetie. BUT i'm nearly 65 now and I realise I do tire much more easily. I have a younger child too who is still single - I wonder whether I will have the energy or inclination to look after her children if she has them one day!

was 54 when my first grandchild was born and I arranged with my workplace to do the equivalent of one day a week at home so I could look after her.

How on earth did you manage to work and look after a baby?

I didn't! I had Fridays off - I made myself available by phone or email for anything urgent (my OH was also at home -he'd already retired) and I caught up with my work in the evening or over the weekend 😄

older people can be unaware of these changes and just see it as a "working day" without appreciating the extra time impact (e.g. my MIL, to whom 9.30-4, an hour lunch and coffee breaks were standard and doesn't understand why we're whizzing around)

I'm 69, and 9:30-4 days have never been standard in my working lifetime. I have absolutely no idea where you get that from. Your MIL must have had quite a non-standard job. While you might be right that the working day has stretched a bit, the standard day has never been shorter than 9-5 for the last five decades that I know about @TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis

Same. My working day was always 8.30 to 5.30/6.00. Mil had a part time job.

What's the point you really want to make?

Is it that Grandmothers are doing childcare they don;t want to do or that Grandfathers should also be expected to do childcare they don;t want to do?

I don't think anyone should be doing anything they don;t want to do. regardless of their sex.

It is not always possible though to provide the same childcare equally to all grandchildren. We get one day a week from our in laws plus very occasional weekend sleepovers (which isn't an expecation but always appreciate) My BIL and SIL have recently had a baby yet live 3 hours away so physically it isn't possible for my in laws to provide the same level of childcare however we are a very close family and see each other as much we can about once a month.

Similarly I have 2 cousins 10 and 12 years older than me so my grandmother was able to provide them with much more in terms of taking them overnight and for holiday as she was younger and lived closer. By the time me and siblings came along she was much older, in poorer health and we lived 2 hours away. There was never any resentment from my parents and she was still wonderful with us.

Nobody should do what they do not want to do but there is a clear gender difference here. There are greater expectations and pressure on women than men. Women are judged by other women when they do not wish to care for GC where that pressure rarely exists for grandfathers.

My mother in law had our DC once a week so they weren't in nursery full time, then took her and a cousin on holiday as well.

I don't include my Father in law in this conversation, because although he was ' fun' he was absolutely useless practically.

When my MIL sadly passed away, it was out of the question my FIL would look after our DC on his own, he wouldn't have a clue what to do.

My DP confided that it made him realise that FIL was actually a lazy parent when he was growing up and didn't contribute to any of the ' hard work' of parenting.

It doesn't surprise me that the conversation is about Grandmothers doing child care, it seems Grandfathers are for comedy value only , if they do get involved at all.

And?

What do you want from the thread?

People to agree that expectations are lower for male Grandparents?

Even if they agree, what do you want from the thread? people to say elderly men arent expected to provide childcare but the women are but neither should be expected to?

I 100% disagree that women are expected by general society to provide childcare for their GC. As you say, their daughters may want them to but I think UK society as evidenced by the 100s of MN threads suggests that GP of either sex should not be expected to provide childcare.

I think we will see fewer grandparents willing to provide regular childcare in the future. People will be working for longer and retiring older. Financial pressures are becoming greater and many won’t be able to afford to work part time to provide childcare. I can’t imagine having the energy in my 60’s to keep working, let alone provide childcare on non working days, assuming I have them. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to spend time with any grandchildren, I just don’t have anything left at the end of my working week. I don’t know how future parents will manage, because the pressures are only going to increase.

@Guinessandafire

It doesn't surprise me that the conversation is about Grandmothers doing child care, it seems Grandfathers are for comedy value only , if they do get involved at all.

This about sums up the role of grandfathers while women are criticised.

This is so yukky and depressing.
My parents had buckets of grandparent help, in turn they are actually happy to help me out with my children - same goes for my in-laws.
I will be more than happy to do the same for my children if they choose to have babies when they are grown. Because they wont get to adulthood and not need me anymore. Evolutionarily we live a long time for a reason, to help future generations, to pass on knowledge to be there for each other.

My parents have my preschool children on Fridays and every other
Wednesday, my in-laws have them the other Wednesday and Mondays and more in the school holidays - and what's more they asked!

My parents like helping because they like me, equally now I like helping my own grandparents now they are getting elderly because I like them. I don't exist in a vacuum, none of us do.
And I have to say as someone who has a "village" and is happy to give as much as I take - life is definitely easier than friends of mine who don't - for whatever reason.