to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

from personal experience I think this is more the reality than anything the op has said.

I have shared what you highlight isn’t the experience of my home or the home I grew up in. However, I think my point is that it is only women who can stop that and this discussion could be more about empowering people (women) to do that. Whilst expressing concern about the current situation and statistics may be cathartic. A discussion sharing communication (handling difficult conversations) skills and experiences to show there are different (perhaps better and more equal) ways to do things (like my mum or more particularly my dad showed me). Empower women to change this now so that the statistics change over time and arguably a generational cycle can be changed. As you have highlighted in previous posts it often isnt as simple as just saying no to providing care, there are complex emotions and social norms that are in play.

Compare and contrast

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5329660-aibu-to-be-annoyed-mum-is-on-holiday-over-2nd-babys-due-date?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5328896-dh-going-away-9-month-old-baby?page=1

Humans are a socially evolved species which includes care for each other. Women live well beyond their reproductive years which is highly unusual in mammals. It is thought humans live as long as we do in part because of the child care aspect. What is 'natural' doesn't always translate to what we love to do (who loves caring for a tantrumning 2yo 🤣). But I do think it's a lovely thing to be able to care for one's own grand children. Obviously doing so to one's own health/wealth detriment should not be encouraged but I do get sad when some GMums get quite so upset at the requests, insist on doing it exclusively on their own terms etc. Grand kids have unique relationships with their GPs that can only develop deeply with quantity time. Imho if course.

You think it is just strangers every time at toddler groups and parents/grandparents do not talk to each other and build up friendships outside the group?

Plenty of grandmothers have said on this thread that they feel pressurised into childcare for the GC. It is a bigger pool than yours and mine personal experience.

The articles below show plenty of women are not enjoying it:

https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/feb/24/grandparents-childcare

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/dec/01/i-dread-looking-after-my-grandchild-each-week-mariella-frostrup

https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/resent-looking-after-my-grandchildren-free-childcare-2445675?srsltid=AfmBOoq9WAWRh_NIeOYsLXEweRPp4mG4L6CykmIlm5Fcgdiw-nSmj9y2

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4639300-entitled-attitude-grandparents-must-provide-childcare

https://www.newsweek.com/viral-mumsnet-grandparents-provide-childcare-1755160

It is even on Facebook 😂

https://www.facebook.com/mumsnet/posts/i-feel-the-expectation-of-women-to-keep-doing-childcare-is-unfair-and-is-coming-/1130543145781471/

It’s the inability to communicate effectively or fear of backlash if they do. I was so lucky. My MIL is one of the best people I know. We never expected childcare but she offered from day one. She committed to regular days when I went back to work part-time. My FIL and his wife very clearly said they wouldn’t commit as they had travelling to do and people to see. Absolutely fine. It’s sad people feel pressured into providing something they didn’t actually offer.
My MIL and my son have an amazing relationship, though, and not a day goes by I’m not grateful for her.
I imagine that’s another thing - people taking childcare for granted. Or thinking that their parents “have nothing else to do.”

Now if only childcare was cheaper, eh? Problem solved. But yeah, let’s offer more free hours the cost of which isn’t actually covered by what the government pays.
This country isn’t really parent friendly in its set-up. And o grandparents pay the partial price.

edited for typos 🙄🤣

@Limprichteabiscuit Utterly thoughtless remark. “People can manage”, What, because you did? How do you know?

Have some empathy for the different salaries people are earning, the different circumstances and the different costs in different parts of the country.

My mum vented to me about resenting being trapped into looking after niece full time until nursery at three and still part time after that. Sil would dictate when mum could go on hol (not in school hols). So I never asked for help.

I went freelance and worked round kids and into night while the mums who got grandparents doing pick up four days a week would look down their nose at me for doing pick up every day because I didn't "work four days" like them.

CFs leaning on grandparents then judging self employed mums who work onto the night to not lean on grandparents. Wound me right up.

People don't know how lucky they are

Both parents passed recently kids still in primary. I'm glad I gave them a break

We were Both minimum wage when starting out with young family.
Crazy high rent in outskirts of Cambridge City.
No family handouts or top up benefits.
Lovely family but miles away back then.
Also cut cloth accordingly and got on with it.
DP did extra hours and I got a second job/.
God I’m proud of what we achieved and how resilient it made us for the tough
teen years and later caring for IL’s.

You think it is just strangers every time at toddler groups and parents/grandparents do not talk to each other and build up friendships outside the group?

What I think about your claims regarding the size of your disgruntled grandparent friendship group supposedly met at toddler groups is best left unsaid.

If it wasn't for my godsend of a Mother in law I couldn't have gone back to work more than two days a week, or possibly not at all because my job is shift work and they wouldn't agree to a set rota so I could organise a nursery place for DD (not that it would have helped as the earliest finish time is 8pm, useless for nursery pickup)
I am thankful everyday that she medically retired quiet a few years ago and absolutely loves looking after DD. They're super close and she'll have her even if she doesn't ''need'' to.
There is a whole generation of children now who are at least partly being raised by grandparents, so I wonder what the implications of that are with their advanced age, when they do die it will be like losing another parent to the child at potentially a far younger age.Which is devastating.

We are told time and time again females are there to breed and raise the next generation and look after the one that comes next

Women are only allowed a life if it fits in with whatever other people have decided for them and this 'but I wanna baby' is all well and good but stop forcing the decision and disowning other people unless they help you to do it, be there at the hosipital, help with the current children while I birth the next, provide childcare as I demand it or I will stop contact

And this is what parents are teaching the next generation of women

Just yesterday I was talking to granddad and he was with his 3yo grandson at the park, he had been looking after his grandson one day a week since he was 7 months old. I'm sure granddads looking after babies solo is rare, but it does happen as I discovered. I see plenty of grandfathers at swimming as well, and other activities I have done.

No worries, Nellie

Of course it happens that grandfathers do childcare for their GC but it is still overwhelmingly grandmothers. Grandmothers tend to do the more menial care such as cooking, cleaning, food prep, looking after sick GC, toilet training than grandfathers.

I totally believe that OP has witnessed conversations of groups of grandparents saying how hard they're finding it at toddler group. I do wonder whether - a bit like in a group of mothers lamenting how badly their babies sleep and only an idiot chimes in with 'mine sleeps like a dream!' - it might need to be taken with a pinch of salt.

SIL is being vilified for dictating when Mum could go on holiday.

mums who got grandparents doing pick up four days a week

look down their nose at me for doing pick up every day because I didn't "work four days" like them.

Women judging other women while men conveniently sidestep any responsibilities, duties or judgements.

Plenty of women have said on this thread they feel exhausted and pressurised into childcare.

The articles below show plenty of women are not enjoying it. Are pinches of salt needed here too?

https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/feb/24/grandparents-childcare
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/dec/01/i-dread-looking-after-my-grandchild-each-week-mariella-frostrup

https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/resent-looking-after-my-grandchildren-free-childcare-2445675?
srsltid=AfmBOoq9WAWRh_NIeOYsLXEweRPp4mG4L6CykmIlm5Fcgdiw-nSmj9y2

https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/resent-looking-after-my-grandchildren-free-childcare-2445675?srsltid=AfmBOoq9WAWRh_NIeOYsLXEweRPp4mG4L6CykmIlm5Fcgdiw-nSmj9y2

What's the issue of they want to do it and they enjoy it?

I’d agree with this, my toddler group days are behind me but was chummy with lots of grandparents two of whom had older grand children were in the same class as my eldest so we’d all known each other for years.

They enjoyed doing it but it was tiring especially for one as doing long drives full time childcare for two long days then long driving full time childcare for other grandchildren. I think lots of us like to have a little whinge now and again. Still see them around plugging away although dc are all 10+

I think (some) granddads help out but I very much doubt they do the organising or thinking ahead in most cases.

It is depressing, but not surprising at all, that the mental load carries on into retirement.

My friend's DH ended up doing the hands on part the other day as my friend was ill (GP already standing in for - two - ! paid nannies). He had to be talked through tea bath and bed by my friend over the phone...

You can enjoy (mostly) doing something and still find it tiring.

My in laws made a big deal when DC1 was born that they didn’t want to do regular childcare, they didn’t agree with working Mothers(?),they had friends caring for GC who were exhausted but they were happy to help on ad hoc basis. We were a bit miffed they laid it on so thick. It had never occurred to ask them to do regular childcare, but it was fine and they would take DC when it suited them.
They said the same to DH’s brothers too but massively changed their tune when SIL had children to the point where when our younger ones were little we had to stop a lot of visiting because our DC’s were getting upset that their cousins were getting to stay for dinner/sleep overs when they couldn’t and it was quite awkward.

If I ever have GC I’d be happy to be involved if I’m wanted but I’ll think very carefully about how much help I offer because I’d have to offer the same to all four DC if they live locally.
My neighbours have four children who between them 6 children in five years. The neighbours looked after all of them and do all the school runs now they’re older. I don’t know how they do it.