to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

I think the problem is many feel obligated to do it so they tell their children oh I'll do childcare and let on everything is fine and then to other people tell them a different story. It's unfair to everyone.

my family & in-laws were keen to be close to my dc but that's the norm for them & they all have lovely relationships. My dc sleepover, one will go to the shops with them, run an errand. I think it's special.

Voting YABU, all the grandparents (I see both) seem to be absolutely delighted to be with their grandchildren

My friend and his wife will be 70 later this year. They're both equally hands on with childcare for their daughter's 3 children. They seem to see more of them than their own parents do. Their life seems to be dominated by childcare. Their daughter and son in law wouldn't be able to work as they do without free childcare on tap.

I just feel so tired now in menopause I cant imagine doing it all over again. I am healthy enough but I am tired and drained from parenting young adults in this climate.

Absolutely agree

I never even asked my parents. It wasn’t their responsibility. My mum used to have them for the odd day in summer holidays which they all loved, but regular childcare to save on money, no.

I think there's sometimes a bit of both. We managed to work our jobs and working hours so that we were able to look after our DS between ourselves; but my SIL (and her DH, of course) has had her own DM doing childcare and school drop-offs and pick-ups for her children for the last 17 years, and this will probably end up going on for at least another 5 years or so, going by the age of the youngest, when she'll be well into her 80s.

It began once she'd been retired for just over a year and was originally meant to be temporary!

She does genuinely love spending time with and being an active part of her GC's lives - and of course she isn't having ton provide active all-day childcare for tiny ones anymore; but nevertheless it's greatly limited her freedom in her later years. She still has to get up early for an early start, then can't be out late in the afternoon or go on longer trips, because she has to be back in time for school finishing time.

By the time it's all over, she'll probably have reached an age where she doesn't want to/can't really venture too far anymore, so the majority of, and most productive part of, her retirement will have been spent doing childcare and the school run.

If she could have had the same for, say, 2 days a week, I think she would have found that absolutely perfect; but if she's honest, 5 days a week in term time - as well as a lot of the holidays too - has taken a massive toll on her life; and would never have been what she would have actively chosen to do, without the pressure and assumption of her near-permanent availability, with nothing else to do with her time.

I voted YANBU but the mums need to work, or be SAHMs and then treated like a lazy feckless parasite.

I'm guessing that no one's going to suggest dads/granddad's /sons step up at all.

Nothing will change for them as per bloody usual.

Speaking from a parents view, my parents and parents in law have been fantastic at providing childcare, and I would honestly say if you asked, both my mum and MIL enjoyed it tremendously, especially my mum who loved the baby groups with my daughter (but she also loved the pre school stage with me and my sister). They have less input now my kids are older and I know my mum misses seeing them as much. So I don’t think you can blanket statement all grandparents. But I agree there are probably some who don’t enjoy it.

Unfortunately I know of more than one scenario where the grandparents were basically told that if they didn't want to provide childcare then they shouldn't expect to be able to see their grandchildren.

That's so unfair. But will become more common as the CoL crisis bites.

I am a grandmother (and step-great-grandmother). I said nothing about childcare to my DS when he and DP had DC. I showed no great interest either, though I love my GC and step-GGC. I have never looked after any of them, except the odd bit of babysitting so occasionally I could count times on one hand.
I suspect people are pressured into this. And they should be honest and say, 'no I don't want to do this, I have my painting classes, dance afternoons/salsa class, reading group and I do not have the time nor the energy. It's nice to see the GC but I do not want to take care of them'. Perhaps other people are nicer than me?

I don't have grandchildren but many of my friends do.

Almost all look after the grandchildren one or two days a week. Some of them travel far,1.5-2 hours each way, to do so. One has the children Monday to Friday for five weeks of the school holidays instead, now that they are bigger. She finds that very hard work but both parents do a demanding job and live too far away for just daytime care.

They genuinely want to do it but of course it's also to help their family out when childcare is so expensive. One definitely felt pressurised. I'm not sure about the others. Deep down they'd probably prefer to have regular visits rather than actual childcare.

One said from the start she wouldn't do it on a regular basis but has the children a lot during school holidays.

They enjoy very much the closeness with the grandchildren but it's exhausting.

My two sons already know I won't be available for regular childcare for work purposes.

I love them to death, and I've loved every minute of parenting, but as someone who has been SAHM (albeit with part time jobs sometimes and my own small business) for nearly 30 years I feel like I've done my time as the Support Human. Besides, I'll be working full time until I'm of retirement age now.

However- if they (and their future wives) want it, I'm looking forward to having GC for a couple of weeks for a summer holiday, and/or weekends for their parents to go away. That I can commit to.

My aunt looks after three of her grandchildren after school five days a week. She also looks after them during summer holidays. She has confided in me that she feels unable to say no.

I'm guessing that no one's going to suggest dads/granddad's /sons step up at all.

Both my dad & FIL were very hands on both with dc & gc.

I'm happy to be a hands on grandparent but I cannot commit to regular childcare I currently have one granddaughter. I also have 4 of my own children still living in the family home granted two are adults but the younger two are 10 and 11 so I have enough responsibility. However I'm quite happy to help in emergencies if available. They don't live too far away but it's two buses for me and I don't drive so could be tricky. But I can do overnight stays at memaws house and emergency babysitting. I'll do my best but doing full time childcare wouldn't be worth my time and then if I had an emergency there's no one else really to step up.
Childcare is ridiculously expensive (I do see the other side of the providers, however if the government is forcing all parents to work you'd think they'd fund it properly from both sides) so I can help if possible say the childminder was off for her own holiday then I'd rearrange things and have the child to save extra fees, I'm happy to step in when they child is ill too or jig things round with the two oldest at home so they can help our where possible.

I agree. Instead of 'free' hours, parents could be given money to arrange their own childcare whether it be having a stay at home parent, GP care, childminder or nursery. This would stimulate the economy as much, though differently. The current system is all about turning everyone into an economic cog and nothing to do with enhancing child development etc.

My ex-ILs used to look after ex-BIL’s child, virtually full time ie. before and after school plus every Saturday night to Sunday evening, plus some overnights in the week. They said they didn’t mind but their attitude towards the child was that he was an annoyance. He used to spend a lot of time watching tv and videos. I don’t think they realised their attitude towards him.

Not a little ageist there. In my experience many women (and men) are master manipulators, regardless of age. Some women (and men) also make sweeping generalisations which are factually baseless.

I also think it depends on family culture. We do a fair bit for gps & dc as they get older will do similar. Some people just have different family dynamics.

I have had this issue recently, I had my son 7 years ago and my dad and stepmom had him a lot while I worked, my mother also had him and loved it completely.
but it has come to light since my dad passed away 4 years ago my step mother said he was the driving force and she actually although she loves my son she wasn’t wanting him as often as they had him but my dad put his foot down to help me and he loved it.
my step mothers sons have both had children since my dad was passed and she hasn’t not any childcare as such for them and actively refuses when when it would massively help them

This. I'm finding it quite hard to imagine someone in their twenties or thirties actually expecting their parent to give up work to do unpaid childcare.

My parents do 1 day a week. I think they would struggle if it was more on a regular basis though! I think asking them to help 3+ days a week is a bit much