to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

People should be honest particularly with family

I’m not really surprised tbh

Lots of women on MN don’t enjoy looking after their own babies and toddlers, it is generally accepted that these years are bloody hard work. I’m not sure why we would think grannies would enjoy it with less energy and having done it with their own kids already.

My mum made it clear she wasn’t up for regular childcare and whilst it would have been much appreciated, I wouldn’t want someone looking after my kids who didn’t really want to.

Out of interest are there any government schemes where grandparents can get paid to do childcare in this way ?

I will still be working by the time I’m a granny so it won’t be an option for me
also I don’t think you’re wrong
and yes childcare is super expensive but always women who are expected to be the default carer - ageing relatives, grandchildren etc
never bloody ending

My mother said she was relieved I lived too far away for it to be possible! She said after raising us through our own childhood she was looking forward to restarting hobbies etc and lifestyle choices she’d had to shelf - she now has a great social life and has friends who are caring for 4-5 grandchildren across a week and are knackered and getting into poor health because of it.

i guess it depends on each case though, and people’s ages/health.

I know many such GP who have been roped into it, and dont know how to say no. My own MIL confesses to me that she is completely worn out by my sister's kids.

I dont want to do regular childcare and will be telling DC so. I will help in emergencies and maybe babysit once every two weeks.

Absolutely not. (Disclaimer - I don't have any GC yet, but have no intention of being used for free childcare).

I've retired and am enjoying pottering about doing very little. I have nowhere near the energy I used to have and could think of little worse than spending my days with preschool children or babies.

Been there, done that, no desire to start again at my age.

My own mother INSISTS to her son she wants to childmind, but portraits the martyr to everyone else. Many older women are master manipulator and are also too old to be doing it. Some love being the martyr.

My parents & in-laws did 1 day each but that was it. My gps did similar for them.

There absolutely should be.

I've made it clear I won't be looking after grandchildren. I will be £5 in a card at Christmas/birthday

When we first had our children (my side of family is abroad), my MIL felt put out we extremely rarely asked her to watch them. We sat her down for a chat and said we truly feel very strongly that raising our children is our responsibility and she should be able to enjoy her retirement as she chooses. This means popping over several times a week to see us if she wishes and if she’d like also “borrowing” them for an hour to the park or whatever. She said she did not feel wanted so we compromised by inviting her out for day trips, trips to local park etc. She soon enough realised this was not done against her, but to give her a chance to enjoy her retirement.

In this country it really isn’t easy for working parents to get affordable childcare so I do empathise with that. We really struggled financially and I was a SAHM for many years. Looking back it would have been easier to work than stay home but it wasn’t possible due to our feelings on the subject.

I’m of an age to be retired, and have many friends of the same age.

Several of them look after their pre-school age grandchildren, but it’s only ever one day a week, plus emergencies, and they all have involved long-term partners so they ‘childmind’ together although it seems the grandmothers take the lead.

I don’t know anyone who does more than that. Small children can be exhausting, the grandparents I know are glad of six days in between to recover.

Some friends provide holiday care for older grandchildren, but not all day every day.

I think it’s entirely possible that many don’t, though there are also many who do. Possibly also many who thought they did, offered, then found it much harder to keep up than they expected, but aren’t sure how to get out of it without “letting people down”. There’s often a huge cost implication too.

I take some issue with this part though:

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters.

It’s so often left up to the mum to organise childcare - this is often because the dad sees it as the mums job. So he’s outsourcing his responsibility to his child to his wife/partner, who is then trying to find a way round it. It may well be the daughters asking, but that’s because many of the sons are assuming their wives / partners are sorting it. This isn’t a women-putting-things-on-women issue, it’s a society expectations assumption thing. Both men and women are playing an equal part in this. Why don’t the grandfathers see their wives struggling and offer to help? “Oh nobody asked me” is no excuse. Don’t put this on the women.

I see this a lot. My neighbours are in their 70s and provide care for their grandchildren a couple of days a week minimum. She doesn't want to do it but doesn't feel she can say no.

A lady in my office complains that she is tied into childcare for her grandchildren (she works part time) which prevents her from being able to see her friends, go on trips etc but she's been guilted into it by her daughter.

And you see on here all the time parents crying that the grandparents don't want to provide childcare.

Shockingly we aren't all the same. I love doing childcare with my GC, the eldest is at university now and we have such a close relationship. The youngest is just starting to toddle and I hope I'm around to see them as an adult. Some in the middle I haven't had as much due to distance but have them for holidays.

I'm retired so have no job to worry about but with the eldest GC I did rearrange my working hours so I could have him a day a week, his mum worked compressed hours so she worked 4 days and needed nursery for 3 days. My husband, he's older than me and was retired, would pick him up the other days, he isn't his biological grandfather but absolutely regarded him as his grandchild. They are still close to this day and DH will regularly send him some cash if GS is running low.

It is a joy, it has kept me active and my days with them are the best days of the week. Not every grandmother will feel the same, not every DIL will want that amount of involvement. Like I say we aren't all the same. It is a shame if people don't feel able to say what they'd like to do or not do.

I don’t think so, I think they can get given NI credits. Unless they are willing to register as a childminder and all the faff / paperwork.

There was a grandmother at my dc primary school. She did very school run for her two primary aged grandchildren. She never said anything negative about this...then her DD had another baby and instead of just doing the school runs, she had a baby then a toddler to look after all day...I heard her grumbling about it and I don't blame her. I thought her DD was disgustingly selfish to have had another baby

Of course. But they need to learn to learn to stand up to their own children and say no.

I don’t think as many nowadays value time with their GCs OP, no.

I am relieved and grateful I had the Nana I had growing up. She babysat us every weekend and cooked a full Sunday roast for the whole family. When my Mum was hospitalised for 6 weeks, she moved myself and my brother (aged 10 and 8) into her house for 6 weeks. She couldn’t drive, but she walked us to and from school every day, then put us both on a bus to the hospital daily to visit our Mum. She cooked our dinner and attended every school event when our Mum couldn’t. What a woman!

That’s the type of Grandmother I aspire to be in the future 🥰

That was the first thing my MIL said when our DD was born. We took her at her word and she never looked after any of them, when she died we found letters and notes she'd written and she was clearly sad that she never once had a GC for a sleepover or took them somewhere without us. It was quite sad reading it.

Did your nana work outside the home?

It’s quite the commitment. You can’t just suddenly decide you’re going to take a holiday or time away if you have a grand child whose parents are relying on you for childcare every week.
Im always surprised by the amount of grandparents who agree to it!

I made it clear to my children well before they had children that while I am happy to have grandchildren occasionally for a day or even overnight, I enjoy it. But I expect to be free to go away during school term time or to spend time on my hobbies. I love being able to look at the weather forecast and just decide to up and go. If I'm free then fine but no, I do not expect it to be a regular thing that I am tied into!

I think the OP post is one of the first I have seen which makes this point and I totally agree - too often its said that GP well come the childcare. There is a big difference between one off/occasion help and or where child goes to GP at GP invite and the weekly often daily childcare. I've seen GP become free childcare and feeling put upon.

My own situation involved/involves nursery care which we paid/pay for. There have been two occasions when we called on GP for help during a 5 year period. GP have had the children to stay as they have asked which is not child care in the same way as it was a request. I feel as a parent that by no relying on the GP it has meant that we are in control and not beholden to them but I understand that everyone is different.