to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

I suspect people who use their parents for free childcare woukd be very happy to dump them in an old folks home when no longer useful.

I have friends whose parents did five days a week 8-6 care for their grandchild. They admitted it exhausted them BUT they knew this would be their only grandchild and they didn’t want to miss the time. My own parents did nothing apart from holidays for me due to distance but were able to provide two days a week for a sibling which they did with joy. And that’s the key, if you WANT the time then fine. It’s when it’s expected and the grandparents don’t want it that it’s a problem

My grandmother looked after me and she seemed to enjoy it as when I was old enough to look after myself she seemed sad about it. My mother has never looked after any of my children. Though my grandmother was retired and my mother isn’t so maybe that’s the difference 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am childcare for my GC. I mostly welcome it, but it is a slog. I still work full-time, although I'm self employed now and arrange my work around my childcare hours. On average, I do about 25/28 hours a week while working 40-55 hours.

It's exhausting. But I had a lovely relationship with my GP and hope my GC feels that way about me. Certainly, I feel very lucky to see as much of my GC as I do, but I'm definitely grumpy at times due to tiredness.

It's not that easy. My friend knows that she wouldn't get to see her grandchildren if she didn't do childcare. Her son and DIL have no interest in visiting on a social level, and are always too busy for my friend and her husband to visit them. Their time off is all about DIL's parents.

My friends love their DGCs, so keep their feelings to themselves and tire themselves out.

In my workplace, no men are heading home to do childcare for their grandchildren. It is always the women.

I am sure they are some grandfathers who do but not on the whole.

Dmum loved it with niece decade and half later and she struggles with nephew on short visits.

When my kids were young there was drama at one pick up - the GM had done school run and after care for all the grandchildren so far and her youngest had just announced her next child. She was being teased and congratulated by her niece and I think cousin also a GM and a neighbour when she burst into tears saying she was struggling now and how could she do the huge hill when she'd be 80 when that child hit reception - she tried expressing her concerns to her daughter and got met well you did it for eveyone else. They took her to quiet corner and calmed her down - the neice was fuming - by end of the school year the GM was not longer routinely doing the school pick up and after care for ones already at school.

MIL said from off she do nothing - we hadn't asked her to - to point she wouldn't even babysit to help us emergencies. Now she tells her friend who are GM who did end up doing care how lucky they are as she'd have loved to do it - ignoring the huge tie that you can't drop and go on hoilday that hospital appointments can cause issues.

I think I'd like to help dependent on health and perhaps not all time but I expect I'll be still be working or to old to help if I get GC at all.

It's a big commitment, 20 years ago my own mum made it clear she wouldn't be giving up work (part time) to look after mine or on her days off. I'll admit I was a bit hurt at the time especially as friends mums were doing that. But totally got it as time went on and now I really admire that she knew her boundaries and limits and stuck to them. I was a SAHM for a long time. Its harder these days with needing 2 incomes to survive and childcare being so expensive, I'd like to help my own DC out in some way but am likely to be working full time till 65 and then can't imagine having the energy to do more than a day or ad hoc help!

There are older relatives in my family who looked after their grandchild when she was a baby/toddler and this continued into a regular thing when she started school.

The grandma seemed happy to do it, never complained, but then she never does. The grandfather would tell us how hard it was, how he had been looking forward to his retirement, spending time with his wife, but they couldn’t go anywhere or do anything. They picked up the child, a 40 minute drive away, every day at about 7.30am and dropped her off after tea. He had to do it because his wife couldn’t drive. They weren’t in the best of health and lived in a 3rd floor flat. They were exhausted and he spoke of how hard his wife found it. I felt so sorry for him. He died of cancer when his grand daughter was about 6. He never got his retirement with his wife.

I was always clear that grandparents would not be looking after my daughter full time. It’s just too much for them.

Agree. I grew up at the same time, rarely saw the GP’s, I have no real memories of them and therefore no real feelings either way about them.

MIL said from off she do nothing - we hadn't asked her to - to point she wouldn't even babysit to help us emergencies. Now she tells her friend who are GM who did end up doing care how lucky they are as she'd have loved to do it - ignoring the huge tie that you can't drop and go on hoilday that hospital appointments can cause issues.

Is there a FIL?

Even when women say they do not want to do childcare, they are criticised unlike men.

I have met lots of grandmas at playgroups who absolutely love spending time with their grand child!

Some of the comments here are just so dismissive and negative towards caring for kids.

We have zero help (despite MIL saying that her grand children are her world) and it’s really sad. I am sad for them because they are missing out on the magical time of them being small. But their loss!

I volunteered 6 days a month childcare to my daughter when she was pregnant, there was no expectation and we agreed to keep it under review from both sides as I was honest that I wasn't sure how I would manage.
My DH and I are retired. DGD is a toddler, goes to Nursery the other days and honestly it gives us such pleasure.
I feel honoured that I am a significant part of her life and know her so well.

My other caring role is for my very elderly mother and no one asked me if I wanted to take on that role. It is harder work, less rewarding and frustrating.
THAT is a role foisted on many women

I'm not a grandparent yet but heading towards that age. I think I would be prepared to do it a couple of times a week, but definitely not every day. It would be hard going and, dare I say it, a bit boring if it was constant.
My mum only looked after my child once a week and she let him watch lots of TV while she sat doing crosswords, and eat lots of treats!

This sums up the expectations on women. Are grandfathers giving up their jobs or going part time to look after grandchildren? Not often.

She sounds amazing. That's the level of care I would love to provide to my GC, but the reality is I had mine quite late. If they follow suit, I might not even be here!

I made a decision when I had my children that my parents would get to enjoy being grandparents. They take the children if they ask to take them - for example DM took dd with her to a craft fair, she took ds to look at trains and tractors when smaller etc.

They are invited with us on days out and they get to treat the dc to an ice cream (for example) but I will do the 'eat your sandwiches before your chocolate' and toilet trips, washing hands, wiping noses stuff.

My dc love their grandparents and they've said they love that they get the best bits and the fun times. We paid for nursery when I needed to return to work.

I never wanted them to feel like they had to discipline or that spending time with their GC was a slog.

I've already told DD that I won't be doing regular childcare for her and she'll need to use a nursery. I don't want to commit to that in my retirement. I'll do some childcare but not committing to fixed days every week.
DD is only 9 so perhaps setting my stall out a bit early..

And, this is also why I wouldn’t want to use GPs as childcare.

The “rules” are there because as parents we know our children best. If you don’t like that, I’m happy to find childcare who wants the best for my child rather than someone who wants my child “all to themselves” so they can just do whatever suits them. We have to deal with our children when they come home and often your way makes that much harder for us.

When my kids were at primary school in the early '90s you never saw grandparents at the school gates dropping off or picking up children. I walked past my local primary school a few weeks ago at finishing time, and was struck by how many grandparents were picking up.

So I'm sorry, but I think this whole 'my parents had loads of childcare from their own parents' is far from accurate. Absolutely none of my mum friends had regular childcare from their own parents. We all used childminders when we went back to work.

It exhausted me in my late 20's and early 30's and you bounce back much quicker at that age. I can remember being so tired I could not think straight! There was a bed shop on route to the play park we used to go to and I used to fantasise about pushing my buggy through the window and just collapsing on one of the beds! Cannot imagine coping with that level of tiredness now I am retired. My mum used to help me a lot (I was a single mum) but as she did not live in the same city it was not on a regular basis. She did adore my child and they had a deep bond but even if she had lived close by there is no way I would have expected her to do regular child care. She had raised three children herself and always worked outside the home too and I felt she deserved her free time. Sadly she died a few short years after her retirement and had several years of poor health before she died, so all in all only about 4 years of time to just be herself.

Both my grandmothers were widowed just around retirement age. Each looked after us a day a week and alternate saturdays until we DC got saturday jobs in secondary school. DM worked part time in the family business. They taught us the rudiments of how to cook, sew, garden and swim and we were lucky to know them so well for as long as we did.
I was 10 years older than my DM when I had my DC so they were able to help out one day a week. My DC are unlikely to have DC any time soon so I'm not sure how much help I'll be by the time grandDC come along. After caring for 4 elderly relatives (sadly now passed) and a DH with a life limiting illness whilst working full time, I don't know whether I'd have capacity to look after any grandDC more than in emergencies as I'm knackered!

Really? 1980s neither set of grandparents would have been unofficial child minders. There was the odd sleepover. They'd done their bit raising three children each. THEY WERE DONE!!

My mum was clear childcare was not an option. She was a doting granny by the way, just wasn’t going to put her life on hold for her grandkids. Quite right too, she’d done her child rearing and wanted to enjoy her grandkids as a granny, not a child minder. Young kids are hard work, I totally fail to see why people would assume someone who is older, maybe has less energy, has done it all before, wants to do it for someone else’s kids. If you feel pressured into it though and haven’t said no, then you can’t blame your children for hoping/assuming you will do it and be delighted! Communication is key.

I can see how annoying that is but your generalisation is shockingly misogynistic and ageist. Manipulative martyrs span the age range. I don't remember having a personality transplant at any point in the last few years since being classed as an 'older woman'. Men can do the martyred bit as well as women (gasp) though, in a society that expects women to enjoy caring for everyone else regardless of what their own well-being, it can sometimes be harder for women to say no directly.