to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

The thing is many of today's GPs relied on their own parents to do a lot of childcare.

It's weird how this is forgotten.

Tbf the way birth rates are going this likely won't be an issue for many of us in the future!

I am nearly 65 and still working full-time as is DH. We have worked for 37 and 41 years respectively. Our children are 30 and nearly 27.

We anticipate grandchildren in the next five years and will like to be approaching/over 70 when grandchildren arrive. We are both very aware that we do not have the energy we once had, that we both wish to spend more time at our home in France and on holiday, having a meaningful retirement.

We love our children very much and are lucky they are both independent and capable and have good partners. We will not be doing regular or formal childcare. Indeed our DC are so independent that DS and DIL is relocating to a different Continent in July (we will visit and they will visit us); and I have no doubt that DD and her BF (who will become her DH) will spend at least some years living in Europe.

We will help, where we can, in emergencies, we can and will help financially if necessary but even if both children stayed UK based we would not be doing regular childcare.

We didn't anticipate the DC moving abroad. Part of me is glad they are independent; partnof me is sad. However, for as long as we are fit, we will visit often.

Be interesting to know if the grandparents who don't want to do childcare for the benefit of their parents helping with childcare when they're kids were little

My own MIL confesses to me that she is completely worn out by my sister's kids

Why is your MIL looking after your sisters kids

I think a lot of people encourage their children to have babies/ give them grandbabies😉. Often offering to help with childcare when costs being an issue is raised. They then feel stuck providing the promises childcare.

Weird how it's forgotten that those GPs didnt work full time. Anyway I myself didnt have any childcare for various reasons, mostly that one set of parents in another country and one set too far away.

I think it’s all about balance. When DS was very young the CM could do all but one of the days we needed, once a fortnight so DM looked after him then and I would make alternative arrangements when she was on holiday.

My poor SIL was doing 2-3 days per week for her DGD, I think she was particularly aggrieved when their DD got offered a full time place at nursery (SIL would still have done pick up at 3) but the DPs refused that as they thought it was too much for their DD, without the slightest consideration to the two grannies doing the caring. They then decided to have another and meanwhile BIL became ill. It was pretty obvious to me that they should scale back on their requests, but they don’t seem to have much and still bemoan the high cost of the tiny amount of childcare they have to pay for on two full time salaries.

SIL complained to me, but I just stay out of it and say she needs to say something if it is too much for her. She is conflicted as she enjoys being in their lives and loves her DGC a lot, but I do feel that she is being expected to do a lot.

I agree with this. Most people I know (and myself) do one day a week with our partners. It is easier with two. It gives us a lot of pleasure to spend this time with our grandchildren and particularly my husband who worked away a lot when our kids were little. We did, however, make it clear that if we want to go away other arrangements must be made. Our daughters are more than happy with this.

@Blueskies25 as i said it is the norm in my culture and my sil is a busy doctor, as is her husband.

That’s interesting and sort of matches up to the consensus I’ve seen on TikTok about this generation of grand parents being the most selfish and least involved in their grandchildren’s upbringing.

Personally my sons grandparents are as involved as they can be, but I think a lot of mothers feel like the village is not there.

That’s sad to hear. Did she ever offer/ask to have them?

I have my GC two days a week, I absolutely love having them. I’m of retirement age but still work, I reduced my working hours so that I could look after them. I loved bringing up my own children and seeing the world through their eyes and it’s the same with my GC. I’ll miss looking after them when they start school, but I’ll be happy to look after them in the holidays.

In.my.experiecne, most grandparents do a day/ help with school runs rather than full time childcare.

Posts about all these grandparents who received lots of help to bring up their children when they were young - I don't know any.

Some stayed at home until the children were at school, others took on jobs which could be done in the evening - cleaning and market research to name two.

The sweeping generalisations are tiresome.

I know my MIL loved having mine, she'd been retired a long time, her other gc were adults. We never put on her, and she mainly just played in the house or walked round the village.

My DM was still working when they were really little but then retired and helped out, and again, loved it.

But neither did long term 'childcare', in a rigid routine so we could work, they genuinely wanted to spend time with them and if they were busy it was never a problem, or letting us down.

I wouldn't want to be asked to do fixed, regular childcare giving me no opportunity to have my own life but I will absolutely help my dc out as and when

I looked after my eldest granddaughter as a baby while DIL worked part time at a school. I worked from home and was finding it difficult but when she announced she was pregnant again I said that I wouldn't be able to cope with two. DIL sulked because it meant she would have to work evenings and weekends (which I did for years when my kids were younger). But I just ignored her. When you get older time is more precious and you can't cope with tiny children especially if you're working.

Of course we are not all the same. That is why I said many and not all.

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They need to speak up then. We’ve never had a grandparent due any sort of childcare for us, exception being looking after dc so dh could take me into hospital for cancer surgery and a few visits on the ward, and maybe two weekends away (but we have to draft in another family member to come to ours to look after MIL while she looks after the dc because she just isn’t really safe and sensible enough to be left with them overnight).

My grandparents and dh’s did lots of childcare though. My grandparents had me 8-6 from 3 months old until I started school, then they did all the school runs until secondary school and had me every school holiday.

That said, while our parents have never had any inclination or capacity to provide any childcare, I hope I can for my dc assuming I’m retired by then. Having gone through the childcare years with pretty much no family support, I can see the difference it would have made for us. My parents absolutely would not have managed if they’d had to do what I did. So if I can, I’d hope to make life a bit easier for my dc at that stage, if they want the help.

That said, people - women especially - need to have boundaries and they need to say no if that doesn’t work for them, or find other ways to offer support.

I was very lucky and my Dad who retired early and helped us out with childcare. I worked part time when they were young and both my DH and I worked shifts, so it was not full time. I am extremely grateful to my parents and I know my Dad looks back with very fond memories. My DC have a fantastically close relationship with them.
I feel very guilty, therefore, when I say I have little or no desire to look after any future GC, I will be working until I am 67 and DH is retiring next year at 65. I know my DD hopes I will help, but I honestly do not want to. I hope she sticks to a brilliant career and a dog 😄

It sounds like you’re saying that’s the only relationship you want with your grandchildren. That’s unusual.

Interesting how the term hands on is rarely used for women......

I can answer that. When the children were under 6, we did not. My mother was caring for her parents, MIL and FIL visited a couple of times a year. They would help in emergencies (when dd was hospitalised, I had a baby, etc). When the children were over 6 and I was back at work, my mother would have them for a week in the holidays and MIL would come for a week.

MIL was 200 miles away, mother 100. Ours were the only GC on one side and the only GC in the UK on the other. Notably MIL and mother were much younger than I will be upon becoming grandparents. They were about 57/58. I expect to be 67/68. It's also notable that they are both now 88 and fkr as long as they are alive, our first priority will be to look after them

A relative of mine had a breakdown due to the amount of childcare that she did for her grandkids. She had 2 daughters who had kids close together so had 2 all day every day. One of the grandkids had a milk allergy so was also awake a lot in the night. This went on for months and months. Then the milk allergy was sorted out, things finally got a bit better… them both daughters got pregnant again.

The grandmother had a complete breakdown. Nobody associated it with all the childcare, plus the upcoming pressure . I was in the throes of my own baby and toddler and no support at the time and I knew 100% that her breakdown was down to that. I was 25 years younger and nearly had one myself.