to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

Some people are thrilled at the opportunity to care for grandchildren but others are, as has been pointed out here, knackered from childcare and work usually. All credit to my Dad who was fantastic, I didn't ask him to look after my son but he'd regularly come round and say put the baby in something warm, I'm taking him to the horses/ducks/park/construction site to look at diggers.

They can apply for Specified Adult Childcare Credits to top up their National Insurance contributions but I'm pretty sure there aren't any government schemes that would pay grandparents for providing childcare to their grandchildren.

I'm finding it quite hard to imagine someone in their twenties or thirties actually expecting their parent to give up work to do unpaid childcare.

I don't know anyone who expected this. My parents and all my friends parents were already retired when gc came along.

Having the baby was ok. Expecting her mother to rear it was not.

Absolutely agree. My mum is like this and so is her friend (my friends mum). Asks to have my 10 month old over all the time, makes me feel guilty she doesn't see him enough, and then will moan to her friends that she is tired from the childcare, her friend will say the same to her.

As I said my friend does as much care for his grandchildren as his wife does - more probably as he's expected to provide a taxi service as well. It's not the case that all grandfathers manage to avoid this expectation.

My DM made it very clear she would never help with her GC. My DMIL who lives over 6hr away made every effort to help in emergencies, school holidays, special days. My DM is 87 and can't work out why she has no relationship with her GC. I know which I aspire to be.

I've done my time. I have five kids and I feel that I had enough of babies when they were young. I also couldn't commit to doing childcare for one and then having all the others expect the same level of care (because otherwise it wouldn't be fair, but I would be on my knees). I have a friend who has martyred herself to the cause of her grandchildren - taking them for weekend sleepovers, doing school runs and taking them for days (and weeks) out. It's set to end her marriage because her husband (who is the children's grandfather) had been looking forward to retirement and doing lots of stuff which they can't now do because his wife is insisting that she can't be more than half an hour from her grandchildren (whose parents absolutely don't need the level of care she is giving her - school age - grandchildren).

I agree. When you older, regular childcare duties are too much. Now that the retirement age has gone up and will likely continue to do so, I foresee many women saying no to the responsibility of childcare. I certainly don’t intend on doing any on a regular basis. Emergencies and seeing grandchildren at weekends etc, but not as a replacement for childcare. I’ve raised kids, worked full time in a demanding career, I intend on spending my retirement following my hobbies and relaxing (assuming I get to retire before I die of exhaustion).

Zero help here, 4 fit and healthy grandparents. Think the last babysitting (couple of hours) was 7 years ago. One side has never done it. Still blows my mind that people have regular unpaid childcare and actively interested family members 😭😆

In my MILs case, it's cultural. I am from a country where women never get to rest. It's hard for her to say no when all of society is telling her her only value is emotional support person. Shes not a martyr, just a product of her upbringing.

Neither my Mum or In Laws live near enough to care for kids (if we had any). My Mum said she wouldn't cos she never had help from her parents so why should I. My MiL considered moving closer saying she wanted to be close enough for a day trip but not close enough to babysit, thought this was a bit cheeky cos my husband was always looked after by his nan and (apparently) she was happy to do it. Most grandparents I know who contribute childcare don't mind doing a couple of days a week but it wouldn't be fair I ask them to do everyday. I know most parents these days have to work but grandparents have done their bit and should be allowed to enjoy their retirement dong their own thing.

Very nice for you but not that common. My sperm donor is an abuser and FIL is dead but good on you.

My mum looked after my DD 1 day a week, which she offered rather than us asking, but she was clear that that’s the most she would commit to. I’m really glad they had that time together, especially now DM has died.

I have colleagues whose parents had their children 5 days a week which felt too much, and I hope they hadn’t pressured their parents into it.

Here’s my observation;
Grandmothers love their grandchildren
They want to spend time with them and have relationships with them
No one wants to be used for childcare to the extent that it’s exhausting or if it’s taken for granted or if there’s no flexibility for that person to have their own life.
Lots of women did all the childcare by themselves with no help
But that may have been at a time when a family could live on one salary
Nevertheless they can feel a little resentful that, having brought their own children up they’re having to do childcare again, at a time in their life when they get really tired much more quickly. This is a very real thing - being fit and healthy doesn’t change the fact that that you get more tired.
I also see grumpy grandfathers who have worked all their lives to provide for their families. Have been bottom of the list of their wives’ priorities for so many years when she was bringing up children. They thought they’d have her time attention in retirement only to find that she’s either looking after grandchildren or utterly exhausted from looking after grandchildren. One such friend told me he has a love/ hate relationship with his grandchildren for this very reason. His plans to enjoy his retirement hand been hijacked.
If I had grandchildren and was single I’d gladly move to the city where my adult kids live and do childcare one day a week to save them a bit of money on nursery fees. More than that would be too much for me.

My two closest friends are now grandparents and both look after their grandchildren one day a week, which they love but say it is knackering! They also have days out with the whole family and bbqs etc where they provide an extra pair of hands and enjoy playing with the children in the garden etc. I really don't think they'd want to do full time childcare though.

I helped out when DD1 was ill. Luckily it was for a few months only. I hated the groups with a vengeance, I did not want to knacker my damaged hips sitting on the floor to clap to music, nor dance around in a circle. Fixed smile, gritted teeth got me through but was soooo happy to go home after 3 months. I couldn’t do it day after day. Older children I could cope with but toddlers, please no.

We need an anti-neo-liberal revolution. Women provide most of the unpaid work in the economy and get called lazy for not going out to work. Time we said no to this.

I look after my dgd 1 day a week. She’s about to turn 3 and is so much fun. She’ll probably be my only grandchild and she’s very precious to me and her grandad. We moved to be closer to our daughter and I wanted to be involved as I was looked after by my dear nan when I was little and had a wonderful relationship with her. I have to say she is full on and I’m tired at the end of the day but the joy she brings to us it’s worth it. I’m retired so time is my own. Obviously if I was still working I wouldn’t have been close enough to help.
We are a close family and it works for us.

@ASimpleLampoon I think it depends on your circle & age tbh. DH is very hands on too. FIL is dead now but i'm very close to my own dad. My dc do a lot of sport & there are alot of gfs involved.

The thing is many of today's GPs relied on their own parents to do a lot of childcare. Me and my partner both were practically raised by our Grandparents we were there that often. The difference I suppose was that our grandparents were retired. Retirement age increasing means both our mothers are still working full time and will be until they are 67.

I think the OP is on to something! Personally I’ll be working into my late 60s (well, that’s the plan) so it won’t be possible for me to contribute much, tbh I don’t think I would want to care for GCs a lot anyway, though would love to see them regularly. My DCs are 20s now and know this already, quite a few years ahead of any possible grandchildren arriving. My own gran had me over to stay nearly every weekend and played with me for hours at a time, she was wonderful. My DPs worked until their late 60s, so it wasn’t possible for my kids.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along.

Are people expecting their mothers to give up work to provide childcare? I have not come across this at all (I'm the age where a lot of peers have grandchildren).

I already lived 3 hrs away from my parents when I had my son, and both my parents work full time anyway so childcare wouldn’t have been an option. With that being said though, I’m extremely jealous of the parents who have parents who do provide childcare. It’s probably better for a child to be looked after by family rather than put in a nursery with 15 other kids and only 4 adults. And of course cost does play a part.

I overheard a grandma saying that she does a lot of childcare for her grandchildren- enjoys it but finds it exhausting.

Another lady i know is going through cancer treatment and is wiped out with that, but she still has to look after a gc at times, school hols He is not that young but is hard work as has some behaviour issues. I did feel his parents ought to be stepping up more!