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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

507 replies

Seventell · 03/05/2025 08:35

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

OP posts:
creamandcookies2 · 03/05/2025 10:19

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:43

Yes a lot of English people are very reserved arent they. It was definitely a shock to me.

And they dont even seem to realise how reserved and unemotional they are. Becausee its become normal to them.

Its like a real inability to show emotion. Its strange

Edited

You're the strange one here OP. Where abouts in England do you live? You still haven't answered that? I live in a small town in Yorkshire and we greet people walking on the street in our little estate ecah morning. Our work colleagues have open conversations about their lives everyday and go out together on a weekend.

The English are known as cold but that's more the posh 'stiff upper lip' type which most people aren't. I visit Germany frequently and I'd say people are far more cold there. Nobody smiles or laughs in the street, and there's no warmth. My sister was treated for cancer there, and she couldn't believe how cold the staff were compared to British nurses. I'll agree the Spanish and Italians are more emotional but many see them as over dramatic. I think it's just where you work or you live in a big city?

skirtingcurtain · 03/05/2025 10:19

I think class comes into it, the umc I know are pretty reserved & and seemingly cold. Just takes a while to break down that exterior.

MabelBayleylivesinWigan · 03/05/2025 10:20

I think YADBU……..sounds like your boss is rude; your boss in Italy was great in comparison. It’s just your workplace right now. It is really unreasonable to paint English/british (whatever) as you do.
I’m English……I give little gifts to colleagues and neighbours just because I feel like it.
I make lovely cakes and bread and am always willing to share.
I make little bouquets from flowers that grow in my garden, and surprise a colleague or two. My boss turns up with a little morsel of something tasty when they’ ve been away, or I get a nice card every now and then in the year thanking me for the work done.
No, I do not think the English are cold at all. I work with people from all over the world on a daily basis.
My German colleagues are APPALLED when they get back home and are treated in the usual German manner; not friendly, not chatty, just functional. One colleague from Stuttgart told me she cried when she went back home after being here for a few years to see how her fellow countrypeople were.
My Romanian colleagues tell me about some the difficulties they have at home with corruption on a daily basis.
My colleagues from South America think we are polite, they feel safe and aren’t robbed at the earliest opportunity and our parties are fun while theirs are raucous (maybe they’ve been to the wrong parties!)
My son is received very well (in the military) and colleagues from Europe (Netherlands/germany/norway/greece/italy) all gather and share beers and love to see the UK. Cold? Definitely not.

skirtingcurtain · 03/05/2025 10:21

I'm an 2nd gen immigrant (European parents) but I'm pretty reserved around strangers. Just my personality really.

ComeAsYouAreAsAFriend · 03/05/2025 10:24

ruethewhirl · 03/05/2025 10:11

Well, it sounds like you'd been dying for the opportunity to say those things yourself, Xenia...

Yes "if only they were more like us vibes" 🙄

FakeParticleExpert · 03/05/2025 10:24

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:59

Im technically English in that i was born in england. But my parents (one is not English) moved away from england when i was aged 3. So i have an english influence, but ive never lived here in England as an adult, before this year

. So i had not lived in the English culture before.

And of course im not slating English people. Im just saying that the culture is very difficult to get used to.

Edited

"Of course I'm not slating English people"

So how come in your first post you said...

what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end when you ARE slating someone.

pimplebum · 03/05/2025 10:26

If you start with such a negative prejudiced generalisations how are you ever going to meet people with an open mind ?

stop pigeon holing whole nations based on a handful of experiences and you may find people open up more

Bestfootforward11 · 03/05/2025 10:27

Seventell · 03/05/2025 10:06

Yeah I think change is hard.

And I've been crying for what I used to know.

But i dont like to give up and quit places and jobs too quickly. So I will try and get used to the UK. If im still mkserable after eight to twelve months, i can always leave. We are never stuck anywhere

Edited

I’m really sorry to hear things have been so hard. It’s bad luck your new boss may not be the best and I can understand your feelings that your life may not be what you hoped for right now. It sounds like a good idea to just give things time. It might be worth exploring activities outside of work. You could meet some great people and do some interesting things too. If things don’t fall into place, you can always change jobs or move. Give things little time and see. Take care x

Strangeworldtoday · 03/05/2025 10:27

Becuase the weather is shit, everyone is taxed too much, can't get a drs appointment, our food is bland and miserable 😂
But really there are some nice people here too, just more reserved.

PatsFruitCake · 03/05/2025 10:29

You're generalising about millions of people. The phrase stiff upper lip is also a stereotype and suggests you're not very open minded.

I work in the voluntary sector and my colleagues are lovely but I don't necessarily want them to be bringing me food and socialising with them outside work. Having said that I am friends with former colleagues and one of my closest friends is someone I met through work.

Maybe your work place doesn't have a culture of socialising together, in which case look for other ways to meet people.

chattyness · 03/05/2025 10:29

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

YABU You've been back just 2 weeks and you're judging all English people by the small group of work colleagues & small groups of people you've barely met and then you come on here to complain. The way you frame it sounds like a you problem, it's only been two weeks, give it time to settle in, remain friendly & keep trying to get to know people.If they don't want to know, then maybe you've been unlucky to land in a toxic work environment, look for another job and try again.

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/05/2025 10:34

BMW6 · 03/05/2025 10:03

So you claim some English people have been Cruel to you.

In what way "cruel"????

Edited

I'm keen to hear an answer to this. I've assumed it was people who like to see apostrophes used correctly...

LoveItaly · 03/05/2025 10:34

kalinga · 03/05/2025 09:39

I definitely don't think this is the reason. I'm an Australian living in England and whenever I return to Australia I have reverse culture shock by how open and friendly most people are. It only really hits me how reserved many English people are whenever I return home, and Australia is much, much more isolated!!

As an English person who lived in Australia for several years, I didn’t find the Australians much different at all from English/British people. They were definitely not more obviously friendly and open than what I was used to, hence I experienced no culture shock at all.

Seventell · 03/05/2025 10:36

creamandcookies2 · 03/05/2025 10:19

You're the strange one here OP. Where abouts in England do you live? You still haven't answered that? I live in a small town in Yorkshire and we greet people walking on the street in our little estate ecah morning. Our work colleagues have open conversations about their lives everyday and go out together on a weekend.

The English are known as cold but that's more the posh 'stiff upper lip' type which most people aren't. I visit Germany frequently and I'd say people are far more cold there. Nobody smiles or laughs in the street, and there's no warmth. My sister was treated for cancer there, and she couldn't believe how cold the staff were compared to British nurses. I'll agree the Spanish and Italians are more emotional but many see them as over dramatic. I think it's just where you work or you live in a big city?

I was replying to an australian lady on this thread. She was saying that she also thought that English people are reserved. I replied to her.

Are you saying that shes wrong too?

OP posts:
Dappy777 · 03/05/2025 10:37

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:04

Its definitely been a culture shock!
People are definitely more emotional , friendly and kind in spain and italy, in my opinion.

I think to be so emotionay closed, is a sign of emotional damage.

English people are also known around europe for being "cold and reserved". Thats how english people are known.

Like ive heard spanish and italian people say that they think that English people are very difficult to talk to, because they are so reserved.

I just wonder what happened.

I think part of it is island isolation. The UK is quite alone. The UK is definitely more alone than most other European countrie.

Because its an island.

And when you dont mix with a lot of other countries, you can get very introverted and insular.

Of all the national stereotypes I have read on MN this is the silliest and least accurate. The UK may be many things, but insular it is not. On the contrary, it's an exceptionally cosmopolitan place.

First of all, the British share a common language with the US, Australia, Canada and New Zealand. So Brits read American novels, watch Australian TV shows, and so on. A Romanian, for example, who only speaks Romanian might watch stuff with subtitles or read translations, but he isn't plugged into a vast transnational culture in his own language.

Second, the UK has always had a large immigrant population. And I don't just mean people who move there permanently, I mean people who spend time there for work or study. Heathrow is one of the busiest airports on the world. Countries like Finland, Chile, etc don't have that. They don't have huge numbers of people coming and going.

Third, London is a vast international city. It's one of the most famous cities in the world, up there with Paris and Rome and New York. Many countries don't have that either. Like Paris or Berlin, London draws in writers, artists, bohemians, etc...people who find small towns and villages stultifying. I met countless foreigners in London who moved there because they were musicians or painters or poets and felt suffocated in their home country. I know a Spanish musician who grew up in a small village and moved to London to pursue her music career and meet "more arty, interesting people". You can tell the difference between people who've grown up in countries with a huge capital city and those that haven't.

Fourth, the British are big travellers. Huge numbers of Americans, in contrast, don't even own a passport.

Finally, the UK contains two of the most famous universities in the world – Oxford and Cambridge. Both draw in students from all over the world, especially the English-speaking world. Many Americans, Canadians and Aussies have a romantic attachment to Oxford, and associate it with people like Oscar Wilde or novels like Brideshead Revisited. In fact, many intellectuals from the English-speaking world are drawn to the UK by its history and culture. They grow up reading the canon of British literature – Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Blake, Wordsworth, Jane Austen, Dickens, etc – and long to make a pilgrimage to the Yorkshire moors to see where the Brontes lived, or to Bath for the Jane Austen festival, or to see where Charles Darwin lived, where Oscar Wilde studied, where Isaac Newton made his discoveries, or whatever. The UK is incredibly lucky in that respect. It has drawn in many brilliant intellectuals from the English-speaking world, from Henry James, Oscar Wilde and T S Eliot to Bill Bryson and Clive James.

The UK is exceptionally non-insular.

Seventell · 03/05/2025 10:41

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/05/2025 10:34

I'm keen to hear an answer to this. I've assumed it was people who like to see apostrophes used correctly...

Lol. Now there's a snide comment.

Why should people type perfectly on their mobile phones? I don't and I never have done.

Look through all the whatsapp messages you've sent people. Come back and let me know if you have put every comma and apostrophe in the right place.

I bet you haven't! Its textspeak.

People write in shortened and incorrext versions of the langauge, when they are on their phone

In spain for example, many people wrote "q tal" to me in texts , instead of que tal.

OP posts:
Seventell · 03/05/2025 10:42

Bestfootforward11 · 03/05/2025 10:27

I’m really sorry to hear things have been so hard. It’s bad luck your new boss may not be the best and I can understand your feelings that your life may not be what you hoped for right now. It sounds like a good idea to just give things time. It might be worth exploring activities outside of work. You could meet some great people and do some interesting things too. If things don’t fall into place, you can always change jobs or move. Give things little time and see. Take care x

Ah thank you @Bestfootforward11

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 03/05/2025 10:42

Blimey I find the complete opposite! I’ve been to Spain and Italy and they seem very rude and unfriendly even though I speak a bit of the language.
Just come back from a few days in Poland and whilst it was a beautiful country I found the locals very unfriendly. It was nice to get to the airport to come home and some 20 something young men started up a conversation with me. It’s not that I’m a good looking young woman either I’m a grey haired pensioner.

hattie43 · 03/05/2025 10:45

I think you just got unlucky with your current work colleagues tbf I think some English people may be a bit more reserved when meeting but after that they’re as warm as any nationality.

BeardofHagrid · 03/05/2025 10:49

I know cold, reserved types, but then there are another group of extraordinarily extroverted, in-your-face gossipy types, who communicate only by bellowing, who will ask you any question about any aspect of your life, no matter how rude. If you dare to trust them and tell them your business, you later find your private life has been blasted across the entire country.

The UK populace is bizarre in many ways. The best thing to do is live the life you want to live and kind of block them out.

BMW6 · 03/05/2025 10:53

So in what specific ways have people been "cruel" to you OP?

Radiohat · 03/05/2025 10:53

Where are your ancestral roots ?

Bug90 · 03/05/2025 10:53

Nope not in my team. We’re all super supportive of one another for work and non related work purposes!

having said that I’ve worked for my fair share of dragons but this was 10+ years ago. I think in general people are far more considerate now.

Whoarethoseguys · 03/05/2025 10:55

That's not my experience at all. And you can't generalise just because you have a bad experience you can't say all English people are like that.
I live in a very friendly place in England.
And what is your definition of cold and friendly? Your colleagues might just be being professional and or waiting until they know you better before opening up.
Some of the worse people in history have been very charismatic and outwardly friendly

whitewineandsun · 03/05/2025 10:57

SapporoBaby · 03/05/2025 08:59

I also think it’s a bit fucked up to call strangers emotionally stunted and damaged’ because they’re not looking up art classes for their employee or inviting you over for dinner.

100 percent.