Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

[Seventell]

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

That's interesting.

Thanks for the post!

Thanks.

Yes UK Culture is more reserved than many other cultures isnt it.

I will just have to get used to it while im here.

I worked in Spain for a few years. Many of my Spanish colleagues appeared hostile and aggressive. That's the overall feeling I've been left with about the Spanish despite having some lovely Spanish friends.

TBH, while in Spain I would have welcomed English reserve!

But that's one British person. My English boss is hugely interested in me, my life and my interests. All my British bosses have been the same - friendly, warm, supportive.

:). Are you back in the UK now?

No never found this. I am Irish lived in England for many years married to an English man found people friendly, funny and kind. Only thing I found weird when I first moved over was some people's need to place me as in where did you go to school, what university did you go to, figured that was to do with some people holding on to class system

No it doesn’t it means that in the face of adversity the English are stoic in the face of adversity remain optimistic

it did have connotations of emotions restraint in the Victorian ages when a 40 year mourning period meant no one was allowed to show emotions

there are other differences between your bosses one is male the other is female which I think possibly is a factor as well - how about age as well.

You have different bosses and that can change how you feel about a job - both DH and I have had boss changes in the same role and it does change things.

sometimes these things are just personal to you and the fact you miss your old job and it hasn’t been what you have wanted it to be

so find the things that you liked yourself look at classes, what is available in your company etc and be proactive rather than waiting for your boss to do it

You keep saying "they" when referring to the English. You've said that you're English too, so don't you mean "we"?

Get over yourself. You're not the first person to spend a bit of time overseas.

Yes. It had been my dream, to live and work in Spain, but honestly, the people were too difficult. They made everything so much harder. Actively hostile towards the British in particular.

But Italians are exceptionally warm and friendly. I have worked with lots of eastern Europeans, and it's interesting to compare them to the British. In general, I'd say the British are more polite, more ironic, more charming and far less direct/blunt. They also have a pleasant, self-mocking humor and a greater fear of being rude. I'd say the British are also friendlier than the French (particularly the Parisian French) and the Germans. I have nothing against any of those nationalities btw. All national stereotypes are crude and simplistic.

It's so strange.

The few times I've been to Italy I've been forced into the road by groups of Italians who wouldn't walk single file to allow me to stay on the pavement when out walking. And completely ignored in bars. And I saw some atrocious parking.

Based on that, I could say that all Italians are rude, inconsiderate and dreadful drivers.

But I won't, because a) I'm not a dick b) I'm not stupid and c) it's offensive and most importantly d) it's just not true.

As a reasonably intelligent person I might stop to reflect that perhaps it's my own attitude that is at fault.

Im technically English in that i was born in england. But my parents (one is not English) moved away from england when i was aged 3. So i have an english influence, but ive never lived here in England as an adult, before this year

. So i had not lived in the English culture before.

And of course im not slating English people. Im just saying that the culture is very difficult to get used to.

I think generalisations are not that helpful. I’m glad that you had great colleagues in Italy but I’m sure you might encounter those who are less friendly too. You are referring to your personal experience at a particular time at a particular place. I’m wondering from your post if you are unhappy about returning back to the UK and this is what has prompted you to think about cultural differences. You mentioned your boss being cold etc but at another job somewhere else here you might have a great boss. It’s fair enough if you are missing your life overseas and I think the thing to do is reflect on what would make your life better. I don’t know the rest of your circumstances but you could think about another job, moving, travel, new activities etc. I think the transition to anywhere is hard and it might be worth giving things time to see how things settle. It might be I’ve got the wrong end of the stick here, but just some thoughts.

So you claim some English people have been Cruel to you.

In what way "cruel"????

Yeah I think change is hard.

And I've been crying for what I used to know.

But i dont like to give up and quit places and jobs too quickly. So I will try and get used to the UK. If im still mkserable after eight to twelve months, i can always leave. We are never stuck anywhere

Your previous post said neither parent was english...

You also escalated the English from being cold and reserved, to cold and rude, then to cold and cruel. Dramatic much??

Agree with a pp who pointed out that you’ve got the meaning of ’stiff upper lip’ wrong @Seventell
It actually means stoic and optimistic in the face of adversity. Completely different to cold and reserved 😊

And yet England is far more direct than some other cultures, like Ireland. English friends and colleagues who have moved here (quite a few, post-Brexit) have struggled with adjusting to Irish indirectness. Which can absolutely coexist with friendliness.

Maybe your male English boss knows that if he were to be friendly, inviting you to lunch, suggesting activities for you, you would interpret his behaviour as coming on to you.
Then his job could be at risk. Besides I don't think you should be too friendly with bosses or neighbours due to past experiences. Boundaries are wise in many cases, CF's not withstanding.

Well, it sounds like you'd been dying for the opportunity to say those things yourself, Xenia...

Being reserved doesn’t mean you’re cold.

It’s a different culture. The Italians are incredibly friendly and open, but that’s not English culture. It’s not actually unfriendly in general, it just takes a bit more time and lots of people keep work and personal lives separate.

I had this same conversation with an Israeli friend who could not believe how cold and unemotional we all were. But I think strangely it’s about treating people equally and fairly. You wouldn’t be over effusive to someone that you barely know - you don’t know their character or how you will relate to them. So it’s a base level of communication style that is polite, efficient, civil and cool. It’s only when you get to know someone properly that you would dial up the warmth.

I prefer that to blurring the lines of appropriateness. I don’t want my boss being over familiar with me - I expect professionalism. Same with healthcare or retail. Similarly if I’m making new acquaintances, I would find it off putting if people were too emotional, too soon. You don’t me and I don’t know you, so hold the familiarity until we know each other, and our boundaries, a little better.

You come across very direct, closed minded and insulting in your post, is that what you're like in real life? I would suggest this is maybe why you are not being greeted with open arms?
I live in the north east, people are very friendly here.
It's funny that you are so fond of Italians actually. When I visited I felt like they were all angry, I spoke to them very friendly and warm and I got grunts and horrible looks in return, maybe you just fit in better there 🤷

My boss is lovely. Always thanking her Team, little gifts at Easter and Christmas and a fun person to work with