Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

[Seventell]

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

Ah I see you’ve met my mil

Bit of a leap OP to equate it to the attitudes of English people in general, maybe it’s just not a nice place to work and you need to start looking elsewhere for somewhere that aligns more with your values?

There can be cold people everywhere in the world. Where I work everyone is lovely and is as you’ve described your Italian boss, but there has been a lot of work on the organisational culture

Friends and family are mostly English and are not as you have described, they are friendly and warm. Maybe you just need to settle back in more and find people that are more like you? It can take time to build friendships

I find quite a few Irish people like to talk and find out about your business but give very little away about themselves. Obviously not everyone is like that. Nor is every English person reserved.

I'm late 20s. Saw someone I went to school with and wanted to say hello. They just gave me a cold shoulder and ignored me

Maybe it’s you. Maybe you’re too much.

I’m not ‘cold’ but this ignorant post makes me want to be so to you. Talk about stereotyping a whole nation.

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, I think a lot of it is to do with making such a big change in your life. Hopefully it will improve with time or you can make informed changes. As a Londoner, I’ve met people from all over the world and have good friends from other countries. I found it hard to get used to their directness and, for a while, thought we should be more like that. However, I changed my mind when I got “directness fatigue” 😹 and I wonder where you can go with something if your starting point is almost nuclear!! I know I’m biased but I find British people generally friendly, fun and often hilarious!

I had a culture shock when I was a twenty something returning to the UK after living a few years in the US. I’d say it took a year to get used to it again and that was having grown up in the UK. You’ve never actually experienced growing up in the UK so of course everything is going to seem totally different, especially if you’re comparing two very distinct things and expecting one to be the same as the other.

People did seem very different at first but the longer I was back here, the more I remembered how funny, how subtly hilarious but on the face of it more low key people were, that they do respect each others’ space and privacy more, that sometimes less really is more!

It’s not what you’re used to, and you’re feeling upset and spiky and lashing out at what you perceive to be the faults of those around you.
Give it time. Your eyes and ears will adapt and you’ll start to appreciate things in a new way and grow to love it. Stay open to it.

You have used ‘cold’ and ‘cruel’ as adjectives and none of your examples indicate that.

I like and welcome our reserved politeness which then potentially leads to deep and kind, but only once you know someone properly. I find that infinitely preferable to fake and ott.

I would also say op, that if you’re broaching real life relationships with how you’ve responded on here, including the initial post, that’s not exactly going to result in people rushing over themselves to be friendly to you. You’re not being pleasant are you? ‘Everyone here is emotionally damaged, cold and cruel. I hate it’ ‘um, thanks for that’

People who start these sorts of threads are so breathtakingly lacking in any self-awareness or ability to self-reflect that they arrogantly assume everyone else is the problem.

I would think it rather intrusive if I were asked by my boss what interested me, then he/she be all over it like beans on toast
Work life, private life.

I love my boss and colleagues, we are a very close team - warm and friendly but not in each others' lives too much - lovely balance and l enjoy going to work. Think you have been unlucky op.

This^^

This isn't my experience of "he English" at all, but perhaps this particular group don't like judgemental idiots who think they should be looked after by their colleagues and managers. Most people go to work to work. They don't go to find best buddies.

You were a foreigner in Italy so maybe your Italian boss thought you needed support. Your English boss probably thinks you're fine settling by yourself since you're on home turf.

I've lived in various countries where people were culturally more or less reserved than the English. I don't think you can really attach a value judgement to those social norms. It can get suffocating when everyone is in your business just like it can get isolating when people keep their distance.

My “Goady Old Shit” klaxon is going off…

What's with the goady post?

I am not cold or reserved. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm friendly to most people.

You say you're English, so what's wrong with you? If all English people are the same, and all Italian people are the same, it should be easy for you to self reflect.

But my parents (one is not English)

In another comment, you say BOTH your parents are from other European countries. 🤔

I am from another country originally, which is more loud and extroverted. In comparison, the English may be a bit reserved but not cold or unkind or emotionally stunted. Just a different way of expressing themselves.

I like how no one talks about money here and I appreciate the privacy. No complaints. Oh also, the British sense of humour is justly famous.

Your Italian boss sounds lovely but not everyone would want a boss to step over into friendship so fast. Could be awkward if they need to tell you off!

I do think work is work and social is social. Management have never asked me any questions about anything non work related. I am more than ok with this. I, in turn. have not asked any questions either. I feel the less shared the better. I know that words spoken during management 'chit chat' are used as ammunition when 'situations' arise. I have seen this happen many times.

Exactly. OP is a billy bullshitter and can’t keep up with her own lies.

There have been a few other goady threads recently with the same writing style 🥱

See, generalising about people isn't nice, is it? You didn't like being criticised, did you?
Was that what you meant when said people had been "cruel" to you? You haven't offered any examples of that, by the way.

You're completely right, but English people can't see it themselves. I'm English but my DP is from a European country and its like a different world there.

Yet another sweeping statement. What nationality is your partner? I'm sure we can find a massive generalisation about his/her country.

Yes both statements are true. Are you aware of dual nationalities.?
So many people are mixed nationalities these days.

My mother is not english at all. She was born elsewhere.

My dad was born in England. So he is english by law. But both of my dads parents are from a different European country. So my dad is dual nationality.

My dad would consider himself to be more of his parents nationality and culture.

Nationality can be a very mixed thing. Because people move around for work so much.

For example when i was in italy, i had a colleague called Anna. She was born in Switzerland. However both of her parents are spanish and they moved back to spain when she was three. She has dual swiss and spanish nationality. Even though shes barely been in switzerland. I asked her what nationality does she feel she is. She said she feels spanish as her parents are spanish, but she does feel a connection to Switzerland, where she was born