Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

[Seventell]

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

Elaborate.

We have already spoken about racism in England and other countries on this thread several times.

So explain why you wrote that in reply to the very last post mentionimg it.

Youre very defensive!

But you're throwing insults and getting annoyed that no one agrees with you. Just go back.

That's twice you've called me defensive. You're coming across as quite rude, considering you refer to others as cold. You're ramping it up now, which is why I posted what I did. I think you've been dying to get to the R word. Well no, English people aren't alone in being cold, nor are they as being racist. You judge a whole race on whether a few colleagues say hello back. I agree with the PP who said you sound needy and actually quite entitled. How do you know whether those colleagues have personal problems which are more important than your need for attention.

Exactly! They prove my point.

They write 'how dare you call us rude and unfriendly,

Then they write posts that are rude, abusive , and unfriendly.

"Jusr go back to your country"

Isnt that what the racists say?

Instead of everyone leaving the uk because they are upset at the behaviour here, maybe YOU should change your attitude and treat people better

Again, you are defensive insulting rude and victim blaming.
And yet again you fit the title of my thread perfectly.

A Chinese lady told me last week that she was told to fuck off Back to her country.

Would you tell her that's a her problem? Would you tell her shes needy and entitled?

In that instance, its not her fault at all. Its the man who said it's fault.

The English just take their time getting to know people. We are reserved from the point of view of not wanting to be nosey and seeming overbearing. We take our time, I think.

Perhaps your boss & colleagues are being respectful and don't want to be in your face.

My Irish cousin's married to an Italian. They live in Italy and when she comes back to Ireland, she's very ready for a little break. Her husband is very nice, but not like the type of Italians you describe.

Hope you settle in soon. Give it time for your English side to come out

Yep. Very obviously a goady thread.

And I would say this forum in general is quite critical of Britain, certainly England and the English. So the OP's criticisms of people being 'defensive' are misplaced.

Exactly, very telling!

I remember arriving in London at 24 having spent my entire life in Australia. I was shocked by how cold people were. It felt like I was in a city of zombies, you’d smile at at the checkout lady and just be glared at. It’s like another world - people almost detest strangers, same in Paris at a dog park. In Australia you say hello to anyone walking before 9am and say good morning, you randomly make small talk - especially if you have a dog or baby. Even without a dog or baby there’s small talk especially in small country towns but even in the city.

I don’t think I’d cope in London but the Cotswolds were friendly - many people gathered to help me when my car was bogged in amid near a pub at night. I would guess Manchester and the North is similar.

maybe because Londoners are all ontop of each other & cold ?

Not everyone is disagreeing with the OP though

Well, if we're talking about how ghastly 'English people' are then London is a very poor example, as over 40% of the population were born abroad, and many of those born in London are not of English or even British descent.

And do you know what my friends have done? They've listened to the advice (not just mine), they've had a laugh at me and this strange country's expense at times, and they've gradually learnt to understand how things are. They've figured out the bits they love and looked deeper.

They've settled and even married English/ British folk. One has even moved in with me (a Southern Man).

I understand you're finding this hard but what do you think you could do differently? Clearly your current approach at work isn't working. People are explaining that may be in keeping with their experiences and preferences and you're accusing people of insulting you, racism, etc etc etc. Nobody even knows what your race is. What do you think people's rationale may be for having a private approach in work other than to upset you? What do you think you could do differently/ constructively? How might you approach this in another culture?

Yeh come to think of it, was mainly the Indian looking people that were giving me the cold shoulder 🙃 😏 . All this time we thought it was the Brits and blue blood aristocracy and the royals who created the ‘stiff upper lip’. Turns out it’s the Indians and migrants & all their fault. Thank god for Brexit 🙃 God knows what could have been.

Yes, how very dare people address the OP's stereotyping and not be more appeasing.

In all seriousness though, perhaps the very worst snob I’ve ever met in my entire life was a woman working at the Highgrove shop in Tetbury. She looked like a Rose Hanbury type of woman - that dark haired, blue eyed look. She was so beautiful but I enquired about the tickets to see the garden and she was bizarrely rude. It’s a coldness you just don’t get here - if people acted that aloof you would think they were a bit on the fringe. Watching shows like Motherland really surprises me because it’s hard to imagine Londoners so relaxed and extroverted. Hard to imagine Londoners ever having sex, crying or fighting to be honest.

What a bizarre response.

The thread is about the horridness of 'English people' but many if not most of the people you're likely to interact with in London are not English at all. That's a fact. I never made a comment about the unfriendliness of these people. You did. You also praised the friendliness of the folk in the Cotswolds, who are of course much more likely to be English.

But you managed to shoehorn Brexit into the discussion, so that's something I guess.

How do you 'address a stereotype'by doing what the stereotype says..

Several posters have pointed out the irony of you saying things like how dare you call english people rude and unfriendly, and then you proceed to write rude and unfriendly posts.

I was being sarcastic as I don’t think that race has anything to do with it. I think it’s the dominant culture of a city and that generally people who move to a city or place conform to that.

Oh OP, make yourself a cup of tea. Nice and strong. And breathe. You'll feel better in no time.

A lot of English people view the workplace as a place to work. I don't go there to make friends, I have lots of those, I go there to do some work for which I, hopefully, will get paid. I'd much rather work with people who are damn good at their jobs rather than people I like personally but cause me more work. Both is fine, but not a requirement.

OP if you were getting one-word answers from a co-worker, that means they don't want to, or don't have time to, chat. I'm sorry if you find that rude, but it isn't really intended to be, it's polite code for not wanting to have a conversation. You need to learn to read the room a bit better, I think.

Erm...I'm not about to bow to somebody who is on a mission to denigrate a nation. As I said earlier, that's your entitlement showing. I treat people how I expect to be treated.

I think you're missing some factors here.

Boss A was a woman and Boss B is a man, for starters. For Boss B to be so personally attentive to a female employee is a little more dangerous. She might feel uncomfortable being invited out to dinner and all that. For every woman who would interpret it as mere friendliness, there is another who would worry it's a sign of inappropriate romantic interest. It's safer for everyone if a male boss is a little more reserved with his female employees.

Second, you were an English person in Italy with Boss A. People always go out of their way to be friendlier to outsiders. There are plenty of English people who would behave in the same way your Italian boss did, to a co-worker they thought was new to the country and all alone. In Workplace B, you're all English and your boss has no reason to assume you need special support. He just thinks that you, like everyone else, have your own life outside of work. And he's not going to intrude into it. Work is work and your personal life is your own, for most English people, and that's perfectly reasonable. It's not a sign of "coldness" or emotional damage, and it's quite insulting to think so.

Incidentally - it sounds like Boss A was lovely to you and went above and beyond to make you happy. Was there anything you did for her that matched these efforts? Or was the loveliness a bit one-sided? I ask because you seem to assume the onus is on everyone else to put the effort in. Yes, it takes English people a bit longer to warm up to strangers. But if being real friends with your work colleagues is important to you, you could be the one to get that ball rolling. You don't have to wait for other people to bring you little cakes and ask about your favourite art galleries. You can do that too.

I've not read the whole thread but I just want to say I totally agree with a poster above who said that while Britain is an island, it is far from insular. In fact it is, and always has been, one of the most globally connected countries in Europe, or even the world.

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

Theres a certain coldness in some people im England, that is colder and crueller tham you will experience anywhere else

Ive met some extremely rude and cold people in England