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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

507 replies

Seventell · 03/05/2025 08:35

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

OP posts:
SapporoBaby · 08/05/2025 08:43

@chiseltipstop talking bollocks. Anyone who lost their job for saying good morning is lying or else they could easily have sued the employer.

Women do not hate men. They just want to be treated with professionalism. My male boss and I discussed our non work lives eventually when we knew each other better. It’s very normal. You clearly spend too much time online and reading sensationalist headlines and believing any man who speaks to you.

SapporoBaby · 08/05/2025 08:45

And sorry OP but from your description of your colleague it sounds like perhaps people at your company have lost enthusiasm for their jobs and are bogged down by it.

That or they’ve taken an instant dislike to you. Otherwise I don’t know anyone who won’t engage in a touch of small talk. It sounds bizarre.

SapporoBaby · 08/05/2025 08:52

Seventell · 04/05/2025 16:38

Well thanks for all the replies. I dont want to discuss it anymore.

In my opinion a lot of English people are a lot more cold and reserved than other countries. Thats just how it is. Thats their culture.

I think part of it comes from attitudes that have been passed down. England as a country was often the aggressor in world history in the past, and i think it has left some people with a cold, aggressive attitude. And a lack of empathy for others.

Not all people. But some. There are also of course many lovely English people

Have a nice day everyone.

Edited

I think perhaps you should look at Italian history OP. It wasn’t England on the side of the Nazis and the Romans did quite as much colonising as anyone else.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/05/2025 08:55

I was about to say that @SapporoBaby - didn’t the Italians invent empires? 😆

AnotherSadness · 08/05/2025 08:57

Chiseltip · 08/05/2025 08:03

You boss here the UK is working to standard operating procedure. Which is (unless you want to be accused of sexual harassment) no interaction with the opposite sex unless strictly necessary.

As you said, you haven't worked here for a number of years. You won't be familiar with the culture of near abject hate that exists between men and women, well, mostly women towards men. I wish I was being overly dramatic or provocative, but unfortunately I'm not.

Men can lose their careers for just saying good morning to a female colleague. I've never understood it myself. But there's no chance a male boss in the UK will ever ask a female colleague (let alone his own staff) anything that isn't work related. Even holding a door open can be considered harassment. Work Place culture in the UK is utterly toxic now.

Even travelling to work events with colleagues of the opposite sex is discouraged.

My SMY say that they are legally obliged to do everything within reason to prevent sexual harassment and that they are liable if an allegation is made.

Not sure about the EU. But that appears to be the case here in the UK.

Men can lose their careers for just saying good morning to a female colleague

I am sorry you are working in such a toxic workplace. Surely if this keeps happening to these poor men who get sacked for saying good morning to women, they should seek advice from their union rep. I have worked for 40 years in different places and have never seen this happening. I would encourage you all to challenge it if you keep being sacked for saying good morning to a female colleague.

Sharptonguedwoman · 08/05/2025 09:06

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:32

Youve never heard people say that english people are cold and reserved?

Surely youve heard of the saying

"English people have a stiff upper lip". Which is a very popular saying

That saying means that english people dont show much emotion.

We do but you have to get to know us quite well. It can take a long time to become part of a group of people.
I'm friends with a number of people that I've worked with, over a long career but it's not a given. Give it a little time, OP. Find a hobby that you enjoy, a book group, a walking club or whatever. In my experience women are easier to get to know.

DiligentFlautist · 08/05/2025 09:12

Chiseltip · 08/05/2025 08:03

You boss here the UK is working to standard operating procedure. Which is (unless you want to be accused of sexual harassment) no interaction with the opposite sex unless strictly necessary.

As you said, you haven't worked here for a number of years. You won't be familiar with the culture of near abject hate that exists between men and women, well, mostly women towards men. I wish I was being overly dramatic or provocative, but unfortunately I'm not.

Men can lose their careers for just saying good morning to a female colleague. I've never understood it myself. But there's no chance a male boss in the UK will ever ask a female colleague (let alone his own staff) anything that isn't work related. Even holding a door open can be considered harassment. Work Place culture in the UK is utterly toxic now.

Even travelling to work events with colleagues of the opposite sex is discouraged.

My SMY say that they are legally obliged to do everything within reason to prevent sexual harassment and that they are liable if an allegation is made.

Not sure about the EU. But that appears to be the case here in the UK.

You and your workplace sound bonkers. I’m not British, but lived and worked in the UK for over 25 years, in a number of different workplaces, and not only did I have unproblematically collegial relationships with male colleagues, I travelled with them, had lunch with them etc. .

Chiseltip · 08/05/2025 10:06

AnotherSadness · 08/05/2025 08:57

Men can lose their careers for just saying good morning to a female colleague

I am sorry you are working in such a toxic workplace. Surely if this keeps happening to these poor men who get sacked for saying good morning to women, they should seek advice from their union rep. I have worked for 40 years in different places and have never seen this happening. I would encourage you all to challenge it if you keep being sacked for saying good morning to a female colleague.

It's the fear of complaints, not the process.

CovidMemories · 08/05/2025 10:33

Seventell · 04/05/2025 16:38

Well thanks for all the replies. I dont want to discuss it anymore.

In my opinion a lot of English people are a lot more cold and reserved than other countries. Thats just how it is. Thats their culture.

I think part of it comes from attitudes that have been passed down. England as a country was often the aggressor in world history in the past, and i think it has left some people with a cold, aggressive attitude. And a lack of empathy for others.

Not all people. But some. There are also of course many lovely English people

Have a nice day everyone.

Edited

You don't want to discuss it anymore? Then that is you choosing not to engage, not us being unfriendly!

As for being "cold and reserved" - we may be reserved, we see it as polite and respectful not to wear out hearts on our sleeve and be emotional all over the place. But we are not cold.

The "cold aggressive attitude" and "lack of empathy" is simply not true. Amongst other things, the English (or actually more generally British) are known for:

  • Having a sense of fair play/fairness.
  • We love an underdog too!
  • Being kind and sentimental towards animals.
  • Having a health/social wellfare system that in general means vulnerable/disabled people don't end up living on the streets, and illness isn't a financially ruinous thing. (I may be comparing this to outside EU as that's my experience of other cultures!)

These are not things associated with a lack of empathy.

Actually empathy is an interesting thing for you to mention. Because empathy is about feeling another person's feelings/situation. For example, if someone clearly doesn't want to talk, it's empathetic to take the hint and not keep on pushing it when they are clearly uncomfortable. Perhaps also understanding that they are shy, or overwhelmed, or having a bad day/time in their life, or whatever. Getting cross because someone isn't gushingly friendly is the opposite of empathy.

That said, it does sound slightly odd that no-one chatted to you after the meditation. But that's not representative of all English people - if it was, I wouldn't find it odd!

As a PP said, there's a difference between a sort of shallow friendliness, where people are friendly on the surface but actually don't consider you a friend/close friend, and friendliness where people have accepted you and you are really, properly friends. It is something that has been said about the British before - it's actually much more straightforward to only show the level of friendliness you really mean.

Your best bet in making friends is to follow your interests in terms of groups, evening classes, and so on. But crucially - don't come on too strong! Don't be determined to make friends with everyone. Just live your life, and enjoy the groups for what they are - enjoy the meditation, or art class, or whatever you choose. Gradually there will be one or two people who you chat to and get to know a bit more and eventually you'll make friends.

Work isn't the best place for making friends (although it does happen quite a lot), as we do tend to keep professional and home life somewhat separate. I once worked somewhere where the boss was friendly and it became a nightmare because they became controlling and demanding, made opinionated comments about my life. After I left it was like healing from an abusive romantic relationship. A professional distance would have avoided that. However, I made friends with another colleague there. I think work friends generally need to be the same job grade as you!

Good luck - and another recommended for the book "Watching the English" by Kate Fox. It would actually be really useful for you to read.

Starchipenterprise · 08/05/2025 17:40

Why on earth are you implying that all English people are emotionally damaged or emotionally stunted. How incredibly and inexcusably rude of you.

AnotherSadness · 08/05/2025 17:43

Chiseltip · 08/05/2025 10:06

It's the fear of complaints, not the process.

How many poor men have been sacked where you are for saying good morning to a woman where you work? Just for that comment alone.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/05/2025 17:59

@Chiseltip thanks for letting me know I could get about 10 men sacked for saying good morning to me today alone 🙄 Are you on glue? Or a man? Because what you describe is so patently untrue and just plain bonkers I don’t know where to start with it.

@Seventell you don’t want to talk any more? That’s not very friendly is it? 😂

IcedPurple · 08/05/2025 18:05

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:04

Its definitely been a culture shock!
People are definitely more emotional , friendly and kind in spain and italy, in my opinion.

I think to be so emotionay closed, is a sign of emotional damage.

English people are also known around europe for being "cold and reserved". Thats how english people are known.

Like ive heard spanish and italian people say that they think that English people are very difficult to talk to, because they are so reserved.

I just wonder what happened.

I think part of it is island isolation. The UK is quite alone. The UK is definitely more alone than most other European countrie.

Because its an island.

And when you dont mix with a lot of other countries, you can get very introverted and insular.

I lived in Northern Italy for several years and found the people quite reserved. They can be very warm when you get to know them but on the street they keep to themselves. "Bella figura" culture, and the fact that Italy is quite a 'low trust' society means that Italians are quite suspicious of getting involved with strangers.

The stereotype of the exuberant, outgoing Italian is more of a Southern Italy thing, and not entirely true there either in my experience.

IcedPurple · 08/05/2025 18:08

KnittyNell · 06/05/2025 16:33

That stiff upper lip got us through two world wars.

Also, 'stiff upper lip' is more about stoicism and 'keep calm and carry on' than 'coldness.

It's also a few decades out of date, but then so are most of the stereotypes the OP is throwing around.

Redpeach · 08/05/2025 18:08

Seventell · 04/05/2025 16:38

Well thanks for all the replies. I dont want to discuss it anymore.

In my opinion a lot of English people are a lot more cold and reserved than other countries. Thats just how it is. Thats their culture.

I think part of it comes from attitudes that have been passed down. England as a country was often the aggressor in world history in the past, and i think it has left some people with a cold, aggressive attitude. And a lack of empathy for others.

Not all people. But some. There are also of course many lovely English people

Have a nice day everyone.

Edited

Pretty cold manner yourself op, but i guess you are english...

LobeliaBaggins · 08/05/2025 18:22

As someone not English by origin, I often think the English are so hard on themselves.

The pp who claims men can be sacked for saying good morning is on glue! 🙄

Yuja · 08/05/2025 18:36

I’ve recently started a new job in London. All the (English) people are lovely - very warm, caring and kind. I think you’ve just been unlucky

Seventell · 13/05/2025 12:21

I have to say,

I've never met people as rude and nasty and cold as I have in England. A lot of them seem to be really abusive.

My latest incident.

When i lived in spain, i used to go to a boards game meetup. It was a lot of fun. We had a lot of laughs. We sat at two large tables. Everyone was included in the games.

So i decided to go to a boards game meetup in the city in England thar I'm in now.

I walked in. People were sitting at different tables. The organiser came up to me and said , "theres different games just about to start , go and join the game you like".

I went up to one table and saw a game i liked. I asked to join. There was definitely space for more players.

Not only did they say no, they looked at me like I was a piece of shit.

They looked at me in total horror and said "join us? No you can't" and glared at me.

I went up to another table and asked to join. The woman glared at me and said "no you cant".

I think it was because they had been going to that meetup for months and had formed a cliquey group.

But thats not what that meetup is meant to be for. Its meant to be inclusive to everyone coming To the group. It says that online in the group description

And not only did they say no, they ŵere so rude about it.

I ended up leaving, because I was upset.

OP posts:
Blueskies25 · 13/05/2025 12:27

Seventell · 13/05/2025 12:21

I have to say,

I've never met people as rude and nasty and cold as I have in England. A lot of them seem to be really abusive.

My latest incident.

When i lived in spain, i used to go to a boards game meetup. It was a lot of fun. We had a lot of laughs. We sat at two large tables. Everyone was included in the games.

So i decided to go to a boards game meetup in the city in England thar I'm in now.

I walked in. People were sitting at different tables. The organiser came up to me and said , "theres different games just about to start , go and join the game you like".

I went up to one table and saw a game i liked. I asked to join. There was definitely space for more players.

Not only did they say no, they looked at me like I was a piece of shit.

They looked at me in total horror and said "join us? No you can't" and glared at me.

I went up to another table and asked to join. The woman glared at me and said "no you cant".

I think it was because they had been going to that meetup for months and had formed a cliquey group.

But thats not what that meetup is meant to be for. Its meant to be inclusive to everyone coming To the group. It says that online in the group description

And not only did they say no, they ŵere so rude about it.

I ended up leaving, because I was upset.

Is it mainly the women or men in England that you find rude?

nomas · 13/05/2025 12:49

Seventell · 13/05/2025 12:21

I have to say,

I've never met people as rude and nasty and cold as I have in England. A lot of them seem to be really abusive.

My latest incident.

When i lived in spain, i used to go to a boards game meetup. It was a lot of fun. We had a lot of laughs. We sat at two large tables. Everyone was included in the games.

So i decided to go to a boards game meetup in the city in England thar I'm in now.

I walked in. People were sitting at different tables. The organiser came up to me and said , "theres different games just about to start , go and join the game you like".

I went up to one table and saw a game i liked. I asked to join. There was definitely space for more players.

Not only did they say no, they looked at me like I was a piece of shit.

They looked at me in total horror and said "join us? No you can't" and glared at me.

I went up to another table and asked to join. The woman glared at me and said "no you cant".

I think it was because they had been going to that meetup for months and had formed a cliquey group.

But thats not what that meetup is meant to be for. Its meant to be inclusive to everyone coming To the group. It says that online in the group description

And not only did they say no, they ŵere so rude about it.

I ended up leaving, because I was upset.

That is really rude. I would give that feedback to the organisers.

I think some people can be quite insular and scared of anyone or anything new, they sort of get that deer in the headlights look.

Seventell · 13/05/2025 13:12

Blueskies25 · 13/05/2025 12:27

Is it mainly the women or men in England that you find rude?

Men and women

At other groups,and at work, men and women have been cold to me.

At the boards game group, it was women who were rude to me

OP posts:
Seventell · 13/05/2025 13:16

nomas · 13/05/2025 12:49

That is really rude. I would give that feedback to the organisers.

I think some people can be quite insular and scared of anyone or anything new, they sort of get that deer in the headlights look.

Thanks.

Yeah I will give the feedback. Yeah I think they might be afraid of someone new? But theyre not sitting in a pub with their friends, they went to a meetup group where they are meant to be playing games with new people that come.

Ah well. Maybe one day I will find a group that is nicer. I'll keep trying

OP posts:
skymagentatwo · 13/05/2025 13:29

@Seventell I have to say,
I've never met people as rude and nasty and cold as I have in England. A lot of them seem to be really abusive.

It appears to me that this perceived behavior only follows you, perhaps there is a reason for this. You seem to be the underling factor in every incident, yet you accuse a majority of 50 million people of being cold, rude and nasty.

You, really need to have a hard look at yourself and your attitude.

Blueskies25 · 13/05/2025 13:37

Seventell · 13/05/2025 13:12

Men and women

At other groups,and at work, men and women have been cold to me.

At the boards game group, it was women who were rude to me

At the boards game group, it was women who were rude to me

I had thought that might have been the case, a newcomer who was possibly going to take attention away from them,

Blueskies25 · 13/05/2025 13:39

Seventell · 13/05/2025 13:16

Thanks.

Yeah I will give the feedback. Yeah I think they might be afraid of someone new? But theyre not sitting in a pub with their friends, they went to a meetup group where they are meant to be playing games with new people that come.

Ah well. Maybe one day I will find a group that is nicer. I'll keep trying

Edited

If you are good looking women usually see other women like that as a threat