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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

414 replies

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 07:56

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

OP posts:
Strangeworldtoday · 03/05/2025 10:49

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:03

I didn’t say that at all though. That’s twisting my words.

Show quote history

But on the receiving end of the comment, it would sound like 'Ive imagined how Greg would be in bed, I think he would be great, and I would quite like him to do things to me that you won't do and do them without my consent'.
Youre really going to have to work out how to explain what you actually meant. As I am sure you didn't think it would come across like this, but it most definitely has in your husbands eyes.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 03/05/2025 10:49

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

Stop doubling down, OP. You said something incredibly hurtful, and you have a LOT of apologising to do.

FiveShelties · 03/05/2025 10:51

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

Oh yes, far better to compare your partners performance in bed with what you think his friends performance might be.

To be honest I would rather someone said I had a fat arse.

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/05/2025 10:51

There’s no unwritten rule. Society,Men, women,SM all comment on female appearance. We are subject to critical gaze,and comment & judgment from childhood . There is no implicit rule don’t comment on appearance. If your social group maintains don’t comment on appearance rule, it’s unusual

I observe you don’t maintain your own unwritten rules
You favourably commented on his mate appearance and favourably speculated on his sexual performance. Told him Be more like your bestie

Strangeworldtoday · 03/05/2025 10:52

StepAwayFromGoogling · 03/05/2025 10:49

Stop doubling down, OP. You said something incredibly hurtful, and you have a LOT of apologising to do.

Show quote history

This, also I wouldnt be bothered if my husband said Angelas got a cracking arse, if she did have a cracking arse. In fact I would probably just agree. Some of my friends do have cracking arses, they work hard for thrm and I don't 😃

Digdongdoo · 03/05/2025 10:52

You said it to hurt him, and you don't seem sorry.
Don't drink if you can't control your mouth.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 03/05/2025 10:53

TY78910 · 03/05/2025 10:41

Sorry, I too have just seen the updates. He is in a sulking stage. You apologised so he ‘has the upper hand’. Just leave him to it for a bit. I can’t imagine he actually means that there’s no way back.

I wouldn't be too sure. It was a thoughtless comment from the op but under it lies the belief that the friend is better. I'm not certain I could get over that. It would kill any passion in the relationship for me.

OrangeAndPistachio · 03/05/2025 10:53

You commented on his sexual performance and implied that his friend might be better at sex. Then he retaliated.

You were both horrible , but you started it and he deserves some space to process. To expect him to move on after an apology is abusive. You need to think about your behaviour op. If a man had said this to a woman people would be saying ltb.

I'll not saying that you should separate , but you really shouldn't drink together if this is the kind of thing that happens when you do.

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 10:53

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 07:56

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

No, you started it and said something nasty and unnecessary so you need to apologise….why can’t you see this?

EilishMcCandlish · 03/05/2025 10:54

From his perspective, how does he ever have sex with you again, without wondering if you are thinking 'Bob would be doing X by now.'

I am not the least surprised he no longer wants you around his mate. He would be on edge waiting for you to make a move on him.

Maybe with time, he will forgive you. Right now though, I would give him space to think. And realise that it was very possibly a relationship ending moment.

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 10:56

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

Its also an unwritten rule not to compare a man’s performance to another….you are coming across as someone who has no clarity of thought and who is also difficult and unreasonable

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 10:58

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 03/05/2025 10:53

I wouldn't be too sure. It was a thoughtless comment from the op but under it lies the belief that the friend is better. I'm not certain I could get over that. It would kill any passion in the relationship for me.

Show quote history

Agree, it was thoughtless and nasty,
I understand drink was involved but in her sober state this morning she still seems to be struggling with accepting she was wrong so it can’t all be blamed on alcohol

NoSoupForU · 03/05/2025 10:59

Wow, you have absolutely no right to feel aggrieved by what he said. You said something incredibly hurtful to him and he retaliated in kind (but with a comment far less vindictive than yours).

To then give him the silent treatment after your own vile behaviour is bizarre. And you don't even seem to see that it is you who is in the wrong. Poor fella!

Itisjustmyopinion · 03/05/2025 10:59

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

Kind of similar to comparing the sexual performance of guys

You were massively out of order and can absolutely see why your DP is not up for forgiving this right now

anytipswelcome · 03/05/2025 11:03

You said you think his mate is probably better in bed than him. I would be gutted if my partner said that to me, regardless of the gender of anyone involved. He lashed out and said something spiteful to hurt you in retaliation, it feels less likely he means what he said than you to be honest as you said it unprompted / not in retaliation. Pretty rubbish all round really.

WayneEyre · 03/05/2025 11:05

Everything you're saying is still minimising and refusing to take the blame for coming out with what you did. Which was awful. You would like him to shut up and forget it but that's not how hurting someone works. I totally understand that making an excuse tonight is appropriate for him. And you've made that about you too. Can you try and isolate his point of view here? 'luke adults ' is highly manipulative. No, you said something deliberate and cruel. He responded off the cuff. He is entitled to take some time over it. You don't sound very empathetic at all.

ZoggyStirdust · 03/05/2025 11:06

Well done. You’ve fucked up the friendship with this other couple (at least for you, hopefully not your partner) and done damage to your own relationship.

your partner is perfectly reasonable to be still upset and to be considering the relationship. Especially if you’re as dismissive with him as you are on here

Original poster
FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:07

It’s a sunny bank holiday weekend and he is sulking about a clumsy/throwaway drunken comment which I didn’t mean and have apologised for.

Feeling pissed off to be honest, relationships are about compromise and forgiveness if you love someone, are they not? I hardly said I want to ride his mate, it was clumsy wording!!

OP posts:
Original poster
FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:08

anytipswelcome · 03/05/2025 11:03

You said you think his mate is probably better in bed than him. I would be gutted if my partner said that to me, regardless of the gender of anyone involved. He lashed out and said something spiteful to hurt you in retaliation, it feels less likely he means what he said than you to be honest as you said it unprompted / not in retaliation. Pretty rubbish all round really.

He said he imagines doing my mate up the arse, I’d argue that’s worse as it wasn’t clumsy/unintentional wording but a clear statement

OP posts:
ZoggyStirdust · 03/05/2025 11:08

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:07

It’s a sunny bank holiday weekend and he is sulking about a clumsy/throwaway drunken comment which I didn’t mean and have apologised for.

Feeling pissed off to be honest, relationships are about compromise and forgiveness if you love someone, are they not? I hardly said I want to ride his mate, it was clumsy wording!!

And it’s clear you are continuing to be dismissive…

Berryslacks · 03/05/2025 11:09

This all sounds like something off that telly series The Feud. It’s going to be a very uncomfortable meet up with your DH’s friend and his wife.

Original poster
FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:09

I sincerely apologised, I don’t know what more I can do

OP posts:
OrangeAndPistachio · 03/05/2025 11:09

@FoodLover22 utter bullshit. If this post isn't a wind up then I'm calling it - you're abusive. He should leave you.

Riaanna · 03/05/2025 11:09

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:07

It’s a sunny bank holiday weekend and he is sulking about a clumsy/throwaway drunken comment which I didn’t mean and have apologised for.

Feeling pissed off to be honest, relationships are about compromise and forgiveness if you love someone, are they not? I hardly said I want to ride his mate, it was clumsy wording!!

No you said you imagined it. Like actually think about it. His mate. Sexually.

Relationships are about forgiveness if it’s forgivable. And on the terms of the person impacted. Not you. The fact that you’re now annoyed he’s ruining your weekend. Wow. That’s punchy.

LondonPapa · 03/05/2025 11:10

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 07:56

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

If my missus said what you’d said, I’d do the exact same as your DH. At the end of the day, both of you said stupid things so apologise and try to move forward.