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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

414 replies

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 07:56

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

OP posts:
Riaanna · 03/05/2025 11:10

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:09

I sincerely apologised, I don’t know what more I can do

You haven’t sincerely apologised. You’re not sorry 😂

Riaanna · 03/05/2025 11:11

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:08

He said he imagines doing my mate up the arse, I’d argue that’s worse as it wasn’t clumsy/unintentional wording but a clear statement

Show quote history

Only that isn’t what he said. He responded with an equivalent after YOU started it. He was clearly making it up.

Baguettesandcheeseforever · 03/05/2025 11:12

FFS Op, you really think you’re the victim here. You expect him just to brush this off and move on? You have HURT him deeply. You’ve gone right to the core of who he is. It isn’t about you. You should be bloody grovelling. His comment was a retaliation to hurt in the same way you hurt him. What the fuck is so wrong with you that you can’t see that.

Thinking he should just get over it because it’s sunny and a bank holiday is the most dismissive, ridiculous thing I’ve heard in a long time.

If I were your partner, I’d be out the door. He deserves better. I don’t think I’ve ever said this to anyone before but I really think you’re a horrible person.

CalleOcho · 03/05/2025 11:13

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:09

I sincerely apologised, I don’t know what more I can do

Give him time to cool off.

Can you go out somewhere by yourself for the day?

EilishMcCandlish · 03/05/2025 11:14

You aren't listening. You said you fantasise about riding his mate. Even if you don't think that is what you said. How does he ever have sex with you, without wondering if he is being compared? You are minimising what you did here.

I have been through repairing a relationship after infidelity. I can tell you that one of the hardest parts of that has been dealing with the intrusive thoughts of whether I am being compared with someone else.

He has every right to take some time out away from you to consider his options. That isn't sulking. It is processing. You being pissed off is a situation of your own making.

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 11:14

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:08

He said he imagines doing my mate up the arse, I’d argue that’s worse as it wasn’t clumsy/unintentional wording but a clear statement

Show quote history

Ye sound like a lovely couple, you especially
Im not sure if I were him I would get over your comment, especially it was related to one of his friends
Do you have form for making nasty sly comments? If you do he is probably thinking about those now as well and reviewing the whole relationship

ARichtGoodDram · 03/05/2025 11:15

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:07

It’s a sunny bank holiday weekend and he is sulking about a clumsy/throwaway drunken comment which I didn’t mean and have apologised for.

Feeling pissed off to be honest, relationships are about compromise and forgiveness if you love someone, are they not? I hardly said I want to ride his mate, it was clumsy wording!!

He's allowed to be angry at your comment and deal with it in his own timescale.

That you seem to think you should be allowed to say whatever you want, minimise the hurt it's caused, apologise and have everything back to normal on your timescale because you want it to be shows a really selfish side.

It's 11.15am. He's hardly been sulking and raging for a fortnight

CanYouTurnItDown · 03/05/2025 11:17

Riaanna · 03/05/2025 11:10

You haven’t sincerely apologised. You’re not sorry 😂

Show quote history

100% this

femfemlicious · 03/05/2025 11:18

Pashazade · 03/05/2025 08:00

You need to apologise, as does he. I’m afraid this was tit for tat and neither of you should have said what you did. No his comment wasn’t great but I can see that it was heavily sarcastic and you obviously hurt his feeling by implying that you’d imagined sex with one of his friends (your phrasing suggests you’ve considered it even if you haven’t and he won’t have had much brain room for nuance if you’d both been drinking) and you started it. So apologise, draw a line under it and move on.

Yes sounds like you have imagined sex with his friend @FoodLover22 if I were him I would not be happy about that at all

Rollergirl11 · 03/05/2025 11:18

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:09

I sincerely apologised, I don’t know what more I can do

Doubt it was sincere when you’re still arguing on here about who’s to blame. But anyway, the more you can do is to give him space and time to work through it. He doesn’t have to do it to your timeframe. You need to show some empathy here because at the moment all you’re demonstrating is that his hurt feelings are an inconvenience for you.

EilishMcCandlish · 03/05/2025 11:18

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:08

He said he imagines doing my mate up the arse, I’d argue that’s worse as it wasn’t clumsy/unintentional wording but a clear statement

Show quote history

No he didn't. He said doing her doggy, where I come that is still PIV, but from behind. You are trying to make what he said sound worse than it was.
And it was very clearly made up on the spot in retaliation, to hurt you in the way you had just hurt him.

ThDanielDay · 03/05/2025 11:18

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

Whereas "I wish you'd fuck me like John would fuck me" is just part of the cut and thrust

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 03/05/2025 11:18

You haven't sincerely apologized because you still believe his comment was worse. Nothing sincere in that

ARichtGoodDram · 03/05/2025 11:19

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:09

I sincerely apologised, I don’t know what more I can do

Given the minimising you've done on your comment and your determination that he was worse are you sure it came across as sincere?

Berryslacks · 03/05/2025 11:19

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 09:56

I’ve apologised but he hasn’t accepted it, says I crossed a line and that he doesn’t know if he can come back from it. Also said he will message his mate later and make an excuse so only those two meet up as he doesn’t trust me around him now (which is nonsense!).

He knows I don’t like arguments being dragged out unnecessarily, it makes me anxious and quashing things like adults is always my preference.

I’ll try again later.

Sorry missed that update probably for the best that just the two of them meet up.

femfemlicious · 03/05/2025 11:20

Imo what you said was worse. It sounds like tou have been fantasising about his Friend

Starlight7080 · 03/05/2025 11:21

You both need to not drink. Especially if you are the type who then has serious conversations or get nasty .
And what he said wasn't nice . But it was obviously in reaction to hearing you have fantasises about how his friend has sex . And telling him he isn't assertive enough .
These conversations are never good whist drunk.

Butchyrestingface · 03/05/2025 11:22

You’re not the poster who started a thread sitting on the pavement edge when your husband went home after a drunken night out are you, @FoodLover22 ?

Baguettesandcheeseforever · 03/05/2025 11:22

I wonder what your apology actually was but I’ll bet it wasn’t anything like this.

I am SO sorry I have hurt you. What I said was unacceptable. I understand if you need some space and time to think this through. I’ll be here if and when you are ready to talk about it. I care about you deeply and am willing to do whatever I can to put this right, even if that takes time.

MumWifeOther · 03/05/2025 11:23

You’re both as bad as eachother and I really think this sort of unnecessary crap is why people should really stop viewing drinking to this point as “harmless”.

MissJoGrant · 03/05/2025 11:23

.

Original poster
FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:24

Worth noting that he didn’t apologise to me when we spoke earlier. He’s in bed still now sulking. Pathetic

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 03/05/2025 11:25

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:09

I sincerely apologised, I don’t know what more I can do

You can take ownership of the fact that what you did was awful, a very big deal and considerably worse than what he said in retaliation. You can acknowledge that you are not entitled to immediate forgiveness because you deigned to apologise. You can leave him the hell alone for a bit and sit with your discomfort. You can stop being so self centred.

That’s what more you can do. As you were wondering.

Riaanna · 03/05/2025 11:25

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 11:24

Worth noting that he didn’t apologise to me when we spoke earlier. He’s in bed still now sulking. Pathetic

Not worth noting at all. What’s actually worth noting is that you still don’t seem to realise how vile you’ve been and continue to be.

Riaanna · 03/05/2025 11:26

MissJoGrant · 03/05/2025 11:23

.

Edited

Did you read the full thread…?