Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

[FoodLover22]

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

The fact he hasn't forgiven and forgotten the OP's comment by 10.30am the next morning doesn't in any way suggest he's going to drag it on.

It's just that the OP's wish that it be quashed and forgotten instant isn't going to happen.

I think many people would struggle to get over this I don’t think it’s as simple as sorry and move on
when your partners been thinking about your friend in a sexual way it would be hard not to think they obviously fancy them

You were both arseholes. You hurt him by implying that you’ve thought about his mate sexually and he responded in kind. Don’t discuss contentious issues after alcohol it’ll never end well.

I was going to reply to OP’s last few posts but actually, everyone who has quoted them has said what I was going to say. You need to read what is being said here and actually accept it and change your attitude. It is not nonsense of him to change plans to keep you away, and he did not say anything worse. You were worse, hurtful, pretty disgusting actually and your reaction is incredibly self absorbed. Poor guy.

“Many women” what are you on about?

This is one woman. And 98% voted that she was unreasonable (majority of whom are women). It’s not “many women” at all.

Wow! You want him to be more confident or assertive and you do this by totally destroying his confidence by comparing him negatively to a friend of his? He will never be able to forget that. Your comment was totally out of order and may well have destroyed your sex life.
Given how hurtful your behaviour was it’s not surprising he retaliated with a comment about someone else. What else did you expect?
You pretty much destroyed his self worth by telling him he’s not good enough and his mate is. If he has any sense he’ll leave you because you seem unable to understand just how devastating your comments were.

I think what you said really played into an area of vulnerability for men - men are pressured to be more assertive and aggressive and you basically said you’d prefer this (even suggesting he disregard your consent!). Definitely worse than a comment on physical appearance.

I think the point is your husband knows that. He retaliated by saying something similarly inappropriate when you said something inappropriate in the first place, I think to point out that what you said was inappropriate. Not a great reaction but an understandable one. You kind of said I bet your friend is better in bed, and he said maybe YOUR friend is better in bed then.

True but you went there. As I’ve learnt myself, men can be as sensitive as women in these things. You essentially emasculated your OH by your comment about his friend so he hit back by hurting you where it would hurt the most also as in comparing your appearance to your friends. I can see how you didn’t mean it like that but now your partner will just be thinking you fancy his mate and have just been putting up with him. He likely feels hurt and insecure now. Other than apologising again I’m not sure what else you can do as that’s a hell of a sting and not sure I’d want to continue with a man if he compared me like that to a female friend!

I would love to know what the 'apology' looked like if your still focusing on his comment to you, was it even a genuine apology where you took all the responsibility and completely understood why he retaliated as he did...I'm thinking it wasn't and that's why he's still annoyed.

I've got a mate who was cheated on last year. He's got two kids, a mortgage, and he does care for his now ex wife. We were talking the other night about them reconcilling, how practical and sensible it would be on so many levels. But my mate says, "yeah, i even want to, but i can't get the image of him fucking her out of my head, and it makes me want to go no where near her". OP, i know it's not the same, but do you realise it's almost the same?

You've apologised and he won't accept it, just leave it for now. Give him space.

You're trying to minimise his reaction, which isn't going to help. You need to stay above reproach now, and then if he continues being nasty you know you've tried everything to make up to him.

You've both said things that aren't nice, I wouldn't say either one is better or worse than the other.

At the same time, if he uses this to blow it out of proportion and continue being nasty, I would think there's more going on.

But he only did that because you told him how you imagined his friend would be in bed. He probably just grabbed that comment about your friend’s arse from nowhere just because he was so hurt and angry. I think if my boyfriend said “I wish you were more assertive in bed, like I imagine your friend would be” I would be inclined to say something A LOT worse in response than what your partner said.

I mean, I’d say it’s an ‘unwritten rule’ to say ‘I wish you were more like the way I imagine your friend would be in the bedroom’, no?

I think the difference here will be that you meant what you said (whether you should have said it or not), and he likely didnt - he just found something that would sting as much as your comment did. You need to apologise to him and move on. Don’t dwell on what he said.

Stop being Princess Precious. He retaliated after you made first insensitive comment. This was your fault. You need to apologise. Your comment was ghastly, no wonder he retaliated

But giving him the impression you imagine having sex with one of HIS friends isn't?

You fucked up here, he simply retaliated. If he'd said it first, I'd be completely on your side and understand you retaliating by saying something spiteful back. You need to be grovelling.

I don’t blame him - you still don’t seem to grasp what a horrible thing you said. Like you expect him to forgive and forget because you don’t like arguments dragged on.

Sorry, I too have just seen the updates. He is in a sulking stage. You apologised so he ‘has the upper hand’. Just leave him to it for a bit. I can’t imagine he actually means that there’s no way back.

My partner and I have been together almost 40 years and have adult children, so I don't think fuck buddies is really appropriate for us.🙄

I’m female but not heterosexual so maybe I don’t understand how these things play out in heterosexual relationships - but apart from the horrible comment about his friend, are you not also putting your partner in a bit of a difficult situation by saying you want him to go ahead and do things without making sure he has your consent first? What if he then goes ahead and does something that you genuinely don’t like? I get that masterful men etc can be a fantasy for straight women, but it feels like a conversation about him being more assertive is something that needs to be discussed carefully between you to make sure you are both happy with what results. Probably not a conversation best had drunk.

I think it’s always an unwritten rule that you say ‘how I imagine one of his friends being’ when expressing a dissatisfaction with how your sex life is

But you saying how you imagine his friend would fuck you is OK? Okie dokie...

Don't EVER discuss sensitive topics when pissed.It should be taught as a life lesson in schools tbh

Your both wrong. Pair of drunken knobs.

Seems fair enough on his part, but your relationship seems pretty immature