Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

[FoodLover22]

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

To be honest I don’t think I could get past it either (if I was in his position.) I also don’t fault him for not wanting to socialise as a group, it will continue to keep popping into his head whenever he sees friend and you together.

I’m not sure you understand how much it’s hurt him, attempting later to try and quash something is not the best way forward. He needs time to process whether this is something he wants to forgive and move past.

Don't post your business online if you don't want people's honest opinions.

I’m glad you were able to apologise and I hope things get sorted. I feel you see things in quite binary terms. Your initial post was re who was is the wrong. You now accept that you were in the wrong and have apologised. To your mind that is the end of it. But how can it be when you’ve told him his friend would be more masterful in sex than he? You think behaving like an adult does not include being hurt by something. Saying the word sorry does not just make everything ok. Being an adult means understanding the impact of your behaviour and giving your partner time to work things through. You mentioned that you don’t like things to drag out and I’m wondering if there have been other times when you have not behaved well and just expected your partner to suck it up and get over it without any real understanding or empathy for how they might feel. I appreciate you’ve just giving a snapshot of things but you said something that can’t be taken back and is likely to the time to resolve. Good luck.

I think it's an unwritten and possibly wiser rule not to compare the masculinity of your partner to his friend.

In a day and age where women are being killed for any damage to a man's ego, it seems a risky move.

Not that it should be, but I think telling a man that he's basically less of a man than his friend is bloody dangerous.

I do think you have some toxic ideas about gender roles though. The fact that you seem to think women need more emotional protection and that what you said is okay seems aligned with toxic masculinity to me. Like you think men don't have feelings and women are really fickle beings who are obsessed with their appearance and count it as their only worth.

If I were him I would probably end things with you. It'll eat away inside his head now and he will never feel enough.

You started with the low blow and he retaliated with the same.

You need to apologise first and he should for being as petty as you.

So she can fantasise about screwing his mate and he can’t respond with like? Don’t be ridiculous.

As the poll is 98% YABU, and the OP has been heavily criticised, that doesn't appear to be true.

You’ve implied that you fantasize about his friend ‘that’s how I imagine Roger being in the bedroom’. I think him saying ‘yeah well Barbara’s got a nice arse’ in retaliation is pretty minimal.

What are you talking about ?

You ere both in the wrong - but you, mainly.

That was an awful thing to say to him - and I’d apologise.

Probably best if neither of you get drunk again.

Isn't it also an unwritten rule with anyone not to compare their sexual performance to a friend?

That is why I am bewildered by the world partner - partner in what? In sex? I wish people would be more honest and say, like they do, in American coms, 'fuck buddy'. You see, had you made yourselves committed, through marriage then none of that comparison would have been in any way material, because you would have been legally and morally committed - everybody would have known that he chose you until death do us, etc. and you chose him. People who say 'well, marriages end', should know that lives end to and in terms of commitment marriage until divorce do us part is the next best thing for security aka peace of mind. Basically, you are discussing throw away comments and you should be discussing real transition from being fuck buddies to spouses. There will always be more assertive people than your current fuck buddy and there will always be better arses than yours, and only in a fully committed state - meaningful marriage - would you be immune to the impact of any nonsense spoken in passing.

I apologise if you are not interested in marriage/find it unnecessary and I am wrong in that respect.

Ooft. You’ve both gone for the jugular! You commented on his sexual performance. He commented on your appearance. You started this, you need to sort it. I hope you can both move on from a very unfortunate drunken argument but it might take a while op.

It's also an unwritten rule for men not to compare their sexual performance!

Unfortunately I get the feeling OP doesn’t have the ability to self reflect. She has apologised because she’s been told she needs to and she wants to move on from the situation. But she has little empathy or understanding for her DP’s feelings and is only interested in her own perspective and is not willing to accept genuine accountability.

you basically told him you think his friend would be better in bed than him
the arse comment was retaliation not in the same l as your mate will be a good shag

He's clearly going to drag this on though.

Sorry but this one is on you...

No, OP. Please stop trying to make yourself the victim here.

I do agree with others, I’m not sure how your DH comes back from this. Let him see his mate on his own; it would be so awkward if you both still went (with his wife there no less).
What is it about this other man that made you refer to him in the moment? Because if it’s played on an insecurity your DH already has, perhaps confidence, etc - well, your relationship could be in trouble now.

I’m not saying there’s no hope but let him have space with this, there’s no way he’s going to brush this under the rug to save your anxiety after what you’ve said.

And don’t compare men’s sexual performances with their friend

you seem unable to see that you did anything wrong and he basically responded tit for tat

It’s a madness to get hung up on that, when you were the one to start it all, suggesting with your comment that his friend might be better in bed?! I’d say that was the first “unwritten rule” that was broken here - can’t imagine what you were thinking tbh.

You were in the wrong, and don't have a leg to stand on, sorry girl x

He doesn't have to accept an apology and move on from something just because you don't like things being "dragged out".

Quashing things instead of dealing with them isn't a superiorly adult way of handling things - dealing with them fully and properly is.

You still don't seem to be realising how your comment came across, how hurtful it was, or how damage it has likely done to your relationship.

Especially as you're still focus on him breaking an imaginary unwritten rule of not commenting on female appearance.

You told him you imagined his friend would be better in bed than him. That's not something someone is going to get by easily, and quite possibly not at all.

Yep