School not sending home for period pain

[rainbow9713]

Hi I will try to keep this as short as possible but also don't want to drip feed.
I have an 11 year old daughter (12 in July) in year 7, she started her periods at 9 so has had 2 full years of periods, primary school were very understanding as she gets extreme pain to the point she passes out and/or physically vomits.
Doctors have given mefenamic acid and tranexamic acid, she has also had an ultrasound scan awaiting results.
Tuesday she was due on her period and said she didn't want to go to school (is an issue anyway about not wanting to go, but she still does attend) as she could feel it coming and they wouldn't send her home if she felt really bad.
Now her period before this, the day she was due I was called and asked to pick her up about an hour before finish, as she looked visibly unwell, went really pale and was feeling really dizzy. I said ah she is due on her period today so that will be it, I was at work but my mom went and collected her early.

Back to this period, she is under SEND at school with a pupil passport and extra support in place. Undiagnosed but strongly thought to be autistic (school agree to this) so is already treated as such and on the pathway for assessment. So Tuesday morning i email the SEND to say she is very anxious about coming in as she gets alot of pain, explain she does have prescription medication there, but could they please please (yes I used 2 pleases) call me if she is in pain so I can come and get her. As she isn't going to learn anything sitting in am office in pain, so I would rather make her comfortable at home...... reply was ofcourse, and also to tell her to use her time out pass at any time to go over to the SEND ect ect. She's still anxious so I see the new pastoral care at the gates, again say to her and to please please call me, I did say I can collect her before 2pm, if after 2pm it's a little more tricky but someone would be able to collect her.

She was late home (I jave a ring doorbell) so I call her and she is in absolute pieces. She said she was in so much pain and begged and begged them to call me but they wouldn't. She was late home as she stayed in the lessen 20 minutes after it ended as she felt dizzy so was scared to stand up incase she fainted. The teacher did walk her out to the gates but she then walked home alone.

I email the SEND as I am to put it bluntly extremely pissed off, as I reassured my daughter they would call me. And IMO they reassured that they would. The following day (my daughter was at home as had severe pain and was still in alot of distress about the day before, as in her words. They know she struggles to go to school but she tries her best to go in, and then they pull a stunt like this), the SEND calls me and says they won't authorise going home for period pain...... I'm like that is not what you or the pastoral told me yesterday.

So now I have a meeting next Friday, I plan to tell them I am not letting this go. I have printed information about autism and menstruation, nhs info on endometriosis and adenomyosis which are conditions that take years to diagnose but can really impact womens health and ability to live a normal life. Also news articles about schools who have had to change their period policy.

So am I being unreasonable to be so cross and upset my daughter has been treated this way?
She dies not misbehave at school, and honestly yes it can be a struggle to get her there but she does go. Her attendance is good other than a day off every period because she physically can't move.
I think they need to see these pupils (she can't be the only one) as individuals, they ja e already recognised additional needs, so why can't they see her as an individual in this instance?
This now has made her anxiety about school even worse, and to be quite honest the next time she feels her period coming, I don't want to send her in. As it massively affected her mental health, and is a safety risk if she is dizzy and walking home.
I'm cross because they have seen her look physically poorly and authorised her leaving early before, the only difference is, is that they disnt have forewarning that it was a period

I'm so sorry as this is really long, I am just so so cross.

Also of you agree with me...... any help to win this war with them would be greatly greatly appreciated ❤️

It doesn't matter what the cause of significant pain is, if it's too severe to be able to concentrate at school, and too distressing, she needs to come home. It being period pain is irrelevant, save for it being important for you guys to work with the doctors (which you are) to try and find a way to make it more bearable for her.

Poor kid :-(

Ps: I'd be absolutely furious if they promised she could come home if needed and then fobbed her off. I've had similar and was very clear in my communication with the school that it was unacceptable. For us it was a tummy bug going round class, my daughter complaining repeatedly of tummy pain, being fobbed off, and then starting to vomit as soon as she got home. Not acceptable.

Yeah I would be fuming
I have morphine for my periods, and I’ve had to ring 999 before for gas and air to get me off the floor to be able to get to hospital
It’s like saying period somehow lessens the pain

For future issues - I’d suggest you and your daughter both skip over mentioning the period bit, and skip straight to the stabbing stomach pains, nausea and feeling faint.

That should mean they focus the decision around sending home on the symptoms - rather than their perception on the severity of the cause.

My daughter gets this, doubled over in agony, sobbing her heart out and vomiting. When she was in year 9 she went to the sick bay and asked to go home and was sick in a bucket and crying and they didn't call me. I went ballistic. Don't let it go!!!

You could have kept her off (like she asked) rather than sending her to school in the first place, or she could have called or text you herself to say she wasn’t feeling well.

And I just know you’re now going to come up with a list of reasons why those things weren’t possible.

I get why you’re angry though, she told you her period was coming, she told you she didn’t want to go in but you sent her in regardless, it’s just that your anger is misplaced, you should be angry at yourself for not listening to your daughter in the first place. She literally told you this was going to happen… she said she could feel it coming and they wouldn't send her home if she felt really bad.

Much easier to blame school than yourself though eh.

Totally agree OP. It’s misogynistic bullshit.

I’d escalate this to the governors as its also a safeguarding risk.

Sorry you’re having to deal with it. Your poor DD. 💐

They are just hearing ‘period pains’ and thinking, ‘Oh, well that’s just a cramp - what a wimp.’ I had a female doctor poke me in the belly when I was having a red degeneration of a fibroid so believe me when I say that I understand the lack of sympathy / understanding re painful periods etc can be a shock!

I would definitely agree with this.

Glad I'm not the only one to be pissed off about it.
I only forewarned this time as my daughter was very anxious, so I was doing my absolute best to reassure her it will all be okay. The day before we had a massive sensory issue, as she only wear one pair of bottoms (she has multiple of the same, literally only thing she wears), so for 2 weeks over Easter she just wore them. She was anxious about school Monday morning so we had some tears but she dis start getting ready. She put the trousers on and it tipped her over the edge (look at sensory issues in autism teamed with menstruation), we agreed with school for that day she could wear the school branded joggers.

Tuesday morning (that fateful day) she wore the school trousers, she tried so so hard and I was so proud of her.

So that was a morning that she needed ALOT of reassurance that it was all going to be fine. And how proud I was of her, and how proud they will be that she managed to wear her actual school trousers.

The next time I'm not forewarning, I honestly think I'm just going to keep her off. As I now can't tell her it will all be fine and they will call me...... because obviously they won't.

I am also going to ask for a school name headed copy of this (period policy) that isn't on their website. Signed by the person responsible for enforcing this policy

OP clearly says she was due on. Period hadn’t started and she wasn’t in pain when she went in. OP did absolutely all she could to ensure she’d be. Contacted to collect her daughter if she was in pain. The school then refused, despite giving OP their assurances, and sent a young girl home alone who could potentially have vomited or fainted en route home. The school is entirely to blame here.

Why should period pain be treated any differently to any other pain or suffering?

I am so proud of her as she has pushed herself to go in yesterday and today. Although she did say yesterday she wants to move school as she can't handle seeing the people who lied to her every day now 😢

But i did tell her I have told them she needs maintenence doses of the medication. Also told her she has parachute and 2 prescription medications that she has to take......... and they don't all need to be at the same time 😉. And nothing will be able to help them of they dare miss a dise after Tuesday

What rubbish. OP wants her daughter at school being educated as much as possible, and she had specifically spoken to the relevant staff and agreed a strategy to be used in the event of severe pain. The school staff had undertaken to act as agreed. They failed to do so, and the OP’s daughter suffered as a result of their negligence.

Some people really will twist themselves into pretzels to avoid any responsibility being attached to school staff. It’s weird.

I bet this is an academy in a MAT isn't it? All they care about is attendance figures. Students are just numbers and statistics to them.

Honestly I now wish I did keep her off, but as someone has said she wasn't in pain when I sent her. And I had reassurance off 2 staff members that I would be contacted.

Their phones are in a Yonder pouch at school, which is locked on school premises in the morning, and unlocked at the end of the day also on school premises.

Aftwr her previous period when they did call me, I honestly didn't think it would make a difference that they had forewarning.

As I have already said she doesn't like school anyway, she wasn't like this with primary so the transition has been very difficult for her. Since starting g she has had atleast one day off every period, but yes your parenting is obviously far superior to mine 🙄

I'm angry for you and her, that poor kid. I agree this was probably dismissed as "a cramp" (because we all know they're delightful) and that's infuriating.

How dare they, I would be furious too. Your poor DD. Take it all the way OP.

Was it the person who promised to send her home, who your daughter asked to go home? Secondary schools have many staff the child will see each day. So they might not have known that you had been promised a phone call earlier.

Yes it is an academy funnily enough, who have now instead of 1 day off every period have now made it more than likely multiple days off every period

The OP needs to trust her DD who clearly knows her own body and was absolutely correct that her period was going to start and she was going to be in severe pain that day.

OP should have just kept her off, it’s not as if she’s missing loads of school, OP says herself Her attendance is good other than a day off every period because she physically can’t move.

Her DD has was right, she knew this was going to happen that day, she literally spelled it out to her mum and her mum didn’t listen to her.

Your poor daughter, I would also be angry at the school.

I had terrible period pain from when mine started age 11, it was like labour and I couldn't sit down or stop walking for hours. I timed taking the pill to skip periods when I had exams, or it would have really impacted my performance.

She was sent to SEND first who was who replied to my email before school, who then sent her to pastoral who I spoke to on the gate, who then sent her back to the SEND

I don't just need to trust her I track her periods..... so we knew it was coming g days before it did.

If I didn't get a reply before school, she wouldn't have gone in until reassured....... we got that reassurance, I was reassured at the fact her last period she was authorised to leave early. Although they didn't know before hand, when they called me to say she seemed unwell I told them it was her period...... they disnt then say oh well she can't go home for period pain.

So after that, and reassurances from the 2 staff members heavily involved with her due to the suspected autism........ yes I sent her in

Sorry sounds horrific - can I say the gyno suggested my daughter take the combined pill back to back so misses several months of periods and now when she gets them they are lighter. But she also was previously in so much pain and ended up so low in iron needed an iron infusion.

I feel for you and your daughter and I know I am decades out of date because I am nearly 70, but at school in the 60s I had crippling period pain - like you describe, cramps and vomiting. I now know that it was like the pains you get in early labour. My mother took me to see a consultant and I had medications and even a D&C.

I used to beg to come home - in those days they could just let you go home without contacting your parents - but no, I was obviously either imagining it or being dramatic. One day I was so bad that my friends (bless them) went en masse to the headmistress (we had headmistresses and headmasters in those days) and demanded I be allowed home. She called me to her office and said she'd had a deputation - but she let me go. I all but crawled home (about a mile's walk).

That night my mother wrote a letter outlining the gynaecological problems I had and demanding that I be allowed home immediately if I started to menstruate in school - and after that there was no problem. It was like they had permission to let me go.

Then I became a teacher myself and of course was very sympathetic towards girls who suffered in this way, and I remember that on several occasions I tried to get them permission to go home, but often the head of year or deputy head wouldn't allow it. I told the girls to ask their parents to write a letter like my mother had, but asking school to phone their parents if they were ill and I noticed that it seemed to work. I think it was because they had this letter on record, maybe nowadays you'd need some sort of doctor's note I don't know. I am horrified that your daughter's school did not allow her home after all the explanation and planning you did.

Op your totally right to be pissed off. I would be.

I only know what I've heard on MN about yonder pouches. But I'd be so so tempted to tell her to put an old phone in the pouch (so they see her using the pouch) keeping her actual phone at the bottom of her bag on silent. Then she's got it if she needs it. Or get her a brick and PAYG SIM that stays at the bottom of the bag.

In the 80s my school had a pay phone children could make contact with parents if necessary. I find it ludicrous that in the days of mobiles children cannot get in touch if they need to.