School not sending home for period pain

[rainbow9713]

Hi I will try to keep this as short as possible but also don't want to drip feed.
I have an 11 year old daughter (12 in July) in year 7, she started her periods at 9 so has had 2 full years of periods, primary school were very understanding as she gets extreme pain to the point she passes out and/or physically vomits.
Doctors have given mefenamic acid and tranexamic acid, she has also had an ultrasound scan awaiting results.
Tuesday she was due on her period and said she didn't want to go to school (is an issue anyway about not wanting to go, but she still does attend) as she could feel it coming and they wouldn't send her home if she felt really bad.
Now her period before this, the day she was due I was called and asked to pick her up about an hour before finish, as she looked visibly unwell, went really pale and was feeling really dizzy. I said ah she is due on her period today so that will be it, I was at work but my mom went and collected her early.

Back to this period, she is under SEND at school with a pupil passport and extra support in place. Undiagnosed but strongly thought to be autistic (school agree to this) so is already treated as such and on the pathway for assessment. So Tuesday morning i email the SEND to say she is very anxious about coming in as she gets alot of pain, explain she does have prescription medication there, but could they please please (yes I used 2 pleases) call me if she is in pain so I can come and get her. As she isn't going to learn anything sitting in am office in pain, so I would rather make her comfortable at home...... reply was ofcourse, and also to tell her to use her time out pass at any time to go over to the SEND ect ect. She's still anxious so I see the new pastoral care at the gates, again say to her and to please please call me, I did say I can collect her before 2pm, if after 2pm it's a little more tricky but someone would be able to collect her.

She was late home (I jave a ring doorbell) so I call her and she is in absolute pieces. She said she was in so much pain and begged and begged them to call me but they wouldn't. She was late home as she stayed in the lessen 20 minutes after it ended as she felt dizzy so was scared to stand up incase she fainted. The teacher did walk her out to the gates but she then walked home alone.

I email the SEND as I am to put it bluntly extremely pissed off, as I reassured my daughter they would call me. And IMO they reassured that they would. The following day (my daughter was at home as had severe pain and was still in alot of distress about the day before, as in her words. They know she struggles to go to school but she tries her best to go in, and then they pull a stunt like this), the SEND calls me and says they won't authorise going home for period pain...... I'm like that is not what you or the pastoral told me yesterday.

So now I have a meeting next Friday, I plan to tell them I am not letting this go. I have printed information about autism and menstruation, nhs info on endometriosis and adenomyosis which are conditions that take years to diagnose but can really impact womens health and ability to live a normal life. Also news articles about schools who have had to change their period policy.

So am I being unreasonable to be so cross and upset my daughter has been treated this way?
She dies not misbehave at school, and honestly yes it can be a struggle to get her there but she does go. Her attendance is good other than a day off every period because she physically can't move.
I think they need to see these pupils (she can't be the only one) as individuals, they ja e already recognised additional needs, so why can't they see her as an individual in this instance?
This now has made her anxiety about school even worse, and to be quite honest the next time she feels her period coming, I don't want to send her in. As it massively affected her mental health, and is a safety risk if she is dizzy and walking home.
I'm cross because they have seen her look physically poorly and authorised her leaving early before, the only difference is, is that they disnt have forewarning that it was a period

I'm so sorry as this is really long, I am just so so cross.

Also of you agree with me...... any help to win this war with them would be greatly greatly appreciated ❤️

Thank you I am going over their complaints procedure as I want to make sure I do it correctly. And I am prepared to take this as far as I can.
Thank you for recognising that the struggle with school is not just on period days but every day. We didn't have this problem in primary school, so the second dary transition has and still is very overwhelming for her. But honestly she does try very hard, she has a 5 minute early pass and a time out pass (so if she needs to go to SEND building to regulate she can), but if it is a particularly shouty teacher she is too scared to use these things.
She can't handle shouting even if it is not directed at her. She literally freezes, so measures are put in place for her, and I find it to frustrating that she can't always verbalise what she needs due to fear 😢. Believe me I am working my best in this, including councilling . Her sleep is non existent, doctors don't want to know as on pathway for autism and ADHD, the block i am getting is the amount of time it takes here (birmingham) for an actual assessment....... doctors answer is that it will be a symptoms of the autism or ADHD but until she is formerly diagnosed they can't help.
School have called me as concerned as she told them she had been up since 3am...... acted like it was my fault. And said well doesnt that affect her moods...... I told them I don't bloody know as she is up at that time every day and I have begged for help, not necessarily drugs but sleep therapy..... but get the block.
She has weighted blanket, compression sheet, used every sleep spray you can think of ect

We have the myoovi which is basically a tens machine, she has had that for over a year now.
I have asked about the pill, appointment on Wednesday so I am getting questions ready about that and possible side effects in her being on it from so young

At the meeting, explain clearly that this is a medical condition and she needs an individual health care plan to be put in place with an agreed action plan so all staff are aware and follow it as needed. If they need to, they can request support from the local authority school nursing team to write this.

The DfE guidance for further information on how they should be supporting is also useful to quote if needed!

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5ce6a72e40f0b620a103bd53/supporting-pupils-at-school-with-medical-conditions.pdf

Op I'd make sure she is able to contact you during the school day if necessary.
If that means using controls on her phone so everything except your number is blocked or getting a brick phone and payg sim id do it.

It is the 'best' option in our area regarding school. And yes my daughter can't advocate for herself, so the fact she verbally told them the other day how much pain she was in amd needed to go home...... actually shows just how bad she did feel.
Yes the feeling of being lied to has now made every single day extremely difficult, she really really struggles with feelings like that.

I may not be able to get back on until this evening, I will try and reply where I can. But I am currently getting ready for work

You have completely done the right things, tracking her periods, contacting school and agreeing a support plan and sending her to school.

School have let you both down and hopefully will recognise that when you get a meeting with them.

I'm on a similar journey with my DD. She started her periods age 10 and by year 9 of high school was struggling. Year 10 absence was high and the test started. We are fortunate to have private healthcare so have seen paediatricians then gastro and now gyaene since a hospital stay Feb 2024.

DD has ovarian cysts and likely Endo with surgery booked for July after her GCSE to confirm.

She started on the combined pill last October, tri-cycling and it's been fantastic. She actually plans her break for the school holidays, so had a period Xmas, Feb, Easter and another planned for end May.

I understand your struggles with medication, DD is 15 so significantly older but some meds are just not licenced for children, despite them being physically the same size and shape as an adult.

We are seeing Dr Gail Busby. She has You Tube videos that talk you through various conditions. These may help your DD to watch and understand.

I've also started listening to a BBC sounds podcast called 28 days-ish later that talks about periods. Only on day 10 but it's fascinating.

Good luck with making school listen. We have great support this year and it really does make a difference. My DD feels cared for in school so will go in even when feeling rubbish as they send her home. Last time was October just before she started the Pill and she again ended up in A&E. The pain is real.

The Pill has been a game changer and as PP she's also got low iron so on regular iron. Ask your GP for the pill and blood tests on Wednesday.

You are doing everything right. Trust your instincts.

It's not period pain. She hasn't got the usual cramping and light discomfort that comes with a healthy cycle.
She has an undiagnosed medical condition that causes her to be in so much pain that she's fainting and vomiting.
The school is not medically trained. They are also not her mum. They failed her and you. They took advantage of the power they hold over children in their care.
Yes I would take it further. Yes I would highlight that with any other pain, it's likely they would have taken her more seriously and could be seen to discriminate.
Anyone who is getting more than light cramping needs to stop saying period pain. It's minimising a serious and debilitating condition. It's a hormonal imbalance, often contributed n by carbotisis and low vitamin d levels and needs treatment and recognition each time.

The secondary school transition is such a common time for these sorts of issues to take hold. ND children who have been well supported and understood in primary suffer hugely from the loss of the secure adults in school due to the massive increase in the number of teachers they have to deal with. The environment is much more overstimulating and overwhelming. Add the period issues in and it's a recipe for disaster. Unfortunately schools and the government seem stuck in the feckless parent narrative of school refusal so you end up with a period policy like this which is almost guaranteed to increase the likelihood of attendance issues.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It is so hard. You aren't alone though, this is affecting more and more children. Your daughter sounds like she is absolutely doing her best. The failure is in the school and the system which encourages schools to deal with children in this way.

@rainbow9713

Can you share the link to information about autism and menstruation please?

We have had similar problems with school promising something and then not following through with our DD (same age and autistic). Her problems with school started in primary.

We forced her in for years but she now is unable to attend at all. The school are totally in the wrong but the system is against autistic young people and getting them to acknowledge or understand that they are wrong is near impossible

DD had similar. Her school were much more understanding, whilst also trying to encourage coping strategies which included proactive taking painkillers, coffee, weighted blankets and chocolate. Caffeine is known to help with period cramps due to increasing blood flow.

My daughter has an implant as remembering to take an ill every day is hard for young women. It took a while to settle her periods but they instantly became more manageable. My GP said it is not an official method of coping but she was happy to do it for any teen girls who are suffering badly with period pain.

@Peasnbeansyes, you do deserve to get flamed for your ridiculous post. You clearly know absolutely nothing about autism or that it takes on average 7.5 years for endometriosis to be diagnosed.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/physical-health/menstruation#:~:text=Research%20suggests%20that%20autistic%20people%20who%20menstruate%20may%20be%20more%20likely%20to%20experience:&text=excessive%20menstruation%20symptoms%2C%20including%20unusually%20painful%20periods,sleeping%2C%20that%20are%20affecting%20your%20daily%20life

You quite rightly have done a great deal in order to get your DD into school, with lots of words of encouragement. Perhaps the same thing happened in school? Perhaps the staff were trying to encourage her to stay in school rather than send ing her home? Does she have access to pain medication throughout the day - you don’t mention this.
It’s pretty pointless talking about conditions that she doesn’t have any diagnosis for - schools can only act on factual information regarding a pupil.
Rather than being antagonistic with the school, you should arrange a meeting with key relevant staff going forward, than have a strategy in place for days when your DD is genuinely too unwell to attend school. I would include things like access to schoolwork that she could complete at home in order to catch up on the days she misses. In reality, she would miss at best 10 days a year, possibly less if her ‘unwell’ day falls at the weekend or in school holidays.

YANBU, you spoke to multiple people to make sure they knew what the situation was, they reassured you that they would call you, and then they didn't call you when she needed them to. Awful behaviour.
I really feel for your DD as I also had painful/heavy periods from year 8 on, and I would run out of lessons to be sick. Eventually the school GP (boarding school) put me on the contraceptive pill in year 10 so that I didn't have a period at all. It changed my life and it hasn't affected my fertility at all which was my biggest fear.
I'm not sure whether it's acceptable to do that anymore, but as far as I'm concerned that lovely doctor gave me my freedom to be a teenager.

Yes she has paracetamol, mefenamic and tranexamic at school. Schools can't let them have ibuprofen (i don't know why).
I jave a meeting next Friday, and am also going over there complaints procedure so will be going down that route aswell.

My point about mentioning conditions she isn't diagnosed with, is that these conditions are possible but will never be diagnosed until she is older..... so highlighting the unfairness of not treating female students as individuals regarding menstruation. Yes some will just use it to try and get put of school, where as others actually have debilitating pain........ which they have saw themselves and asked for her to be collected as she looked too unwell to walk home.
Only difference this time is they had forewarning if she is unwell it will be her period

Hi @rainbow9713
Thank you for your patience in explaining more. To fill you in a little more - I do have a young teenager, she does have a diagnosis of ASD and she does have painful periods that can make her vomit and take her out of life for a day or so most months.
School contact me and say she wants to come home. But, like you, I am a single working parent and am often in another city. I also know we are at the brink of school refusal and so that is what I mean when I said keeping the routine is so important at the moment - she is too young to stay at home alone.
I've sent in a myriad of medicines and calming objects / strategies / tokens etc.
I wasn't suggesting you are doing anything terrible. The situation is shit. But was I was saying is that the teacher's job is teaching subjects, and it seemed at first that to keep her off in anticipation of her period might lead to total school refusal.
Thank you for your kind and measured response. Good luck.❤️

Oh, and ibuprofen is one of the medicines she has at school and they spoon it in 4 hourly. I don't think it's a national policy not to, so ask again at school. I send in the baby version (she can't take tablets, cos ASD) and they give her the appropriate dose pro rata, as suggested by doctor. I send an email and a signed letter giving my permission. I'd it's in a box with her doc label printed on it there's no reason they can't administer it.

I don't think she should be having ibuprofen with mefenamic acid but I'm happy to be corrected on that (and add it into my daughter's period pill regime!!!)

Yes inam trying very hard to avoid total school refusal as we are struggling every single morning. I even called social services myself and said at the end of the daybif total school refusal happens.... they will be contacted anyway. I outlined all the struggles and they actually said school should be being more supportive.
As although undiagnosed the school have recognised she needs additional support, the CAT team are also working with her in school.
So to avoid total school refusal I dis everything I could thinknif Tuesday to ensure the anxiety of her period arriving would be dealt with with care and consideration. Instead she feels unheard, lied to and has made the following school mornings even more intense.
Which in turn has affected my 10 year old daughter, who also has periods but thankfully doesn't get pain. I cried on Thursday, which then made my 11 year old burst into tears and run out of the house (I tried to not cry but she is actually extremely sensitive/ intuitive to my emotions). And I cried more as she said she was scared because I never cry (once I retrieved her from running outside).
I jave highlighted the struggles Tuesday had on my daughter...... but with her in complete turmoil, it affected my 10 year old who then started acting out.
Then the mom guilt that I am one person, with 2 children, both with different needs........ but who do still need me at the same time. And this week that has been physically impossible

I would rather pay for a private tutor so her education needs are met, than have a repeat of this week.
Which is something I am now looking into, because education IMO is very important, I explain to her that even lower paid jobs most still require basic maths and English. But after this week for me it has been highlighted that the most important thing for me to look after right now is her mental health, and helping her navigate these awful periods... amd fight the fights with the doctors and the school that she can't fight herself right now.

I strongly suspect the person you spoke to initially was genuine but then came up against someone who took it upon themselves to decide otherwise or didn't have the full facts
Or that person you spoke to didn't pass it on or pass it on properly. I've seen this kind of information being totally minimised or lost or deliberately and wilfully misinterpreted because the person believes the child is "putting it on" I'd definitely go to town over this and drill down what happened to the information after you called why didn't the message get through and if it did get through how come it wasn't acted on.
Remember you can ask for all emails and corrospondence for your child

I have it all in black and white, emails in the morning saying the plan we had was fine. Spoke face to face to pastoral.... but after what happened I was emailing the original person. Who acknowledged via email that pastoral had also been spoken to by me and what was said. So I feel I jave enough evidence to go down the complaints route

Now the SEND replies to emails way before and after she is getting paid, so I am going more with she 6 tell me a lie, but yes came up at road blocks afterwards. So let's say misinformation....... the pastoral has no such excuse as she is the one authorised to allow children home or not

YANBU - it sounds as if her periods affect her in an unusually extreme way and the school should have sent her home!