School not sending home for period pain

[rainbow9713]

Hi I will try to keep this as short as possible but also don't want to drip feed.
I have an 11 year old daughter (12 in July) in year 7, she started her periods at 9 so has had 2 full years of periods, primary school were very understanding as she gets extreme pain to the point she passes out and/or physically vomits.
Doctors have given mefenamic acid and tranexamic acid, she has also had an ultrasound scan awaiting results.
Tuesday she was due on her period and said she didn't want to go to school (is an issue anyway about not wanting to go, but she still does attend) as she could feel it coming and they wouldn't send her home if she felt really bad.
Now her period before this, the day she was due I was called and asked to pick her up about an hour before finish, as she looked visibly unwell, went really pale and was feeling really dizzy. I said ah she is due on her period today so that will be it, I was at work but my mom went and collected her early.

Back to this period, she is under SEND at school with a pupil passport and extra support in place. Undiagnosed but strongly thought to be autistic (school agree to this) so is already treated as such and on the pathway for assessment. So Tuesday morning i email the SEND to say she is very anxious about coming in as she gets alot of pain, explain she does have prescription medication there, but could they please please (yes I used 2 pleases) call me if she is in pain so I can come and get her. As she isn't going to learn anything sitting in am office in pain, so I would rather make her comfortable at home...... reply was ofcourse, and also to tell her to use her time out pass at any time to go over to the SEND ect ect. She's still anxious so I see the new pastoral care at the gates, again say to her and to please please call me, I did say I can collect her before 2pm, if after 2pm it's a little more tricky but someone would be able to collect her.

She was late home (I jave a ring doorbell) so I call her and she is in absolute pieces. She said she was in so much pain and begged and begged them to call me but they wouldn't. She was late home as she stayed in the lessen 20 minutes after it ended as she felt dizzy so was scared to stand up incase she fainted. The teacher did walk her out to the gates but she then walked home alone.

I email the SEND as I am to put it bluntly extremely pissed off, as I reassured my daughter they would call me. And IMO they reassured that they would. The following day (my daughter was at home as had severe pain and was still in alot of distress about the day before, as in her words. They know she struggles to go to school but she tries her best to go in, and then they pull a stunt like this), the SEND calls me and says they won't authorise going home for period pain...... I'm like that is not what you or the pastoral told me yesterday.

So now I have a meeting next Friday, I plan to tell them I am not letting this go. I have printed information about autism and menstruation, nhs info on endometriosis and adenomyosis which are conditions that take years to diagnose but can really impact womens health and ability to live a normal life. Also news articles about schools who have had to change their period policy.

So am I being unreasonable to be so cross and upset my daughter has been treated this way?
She dies not misbehave at school, and honestly yes it can be a struggle to get her there but she does go. Her attendance is good other than a day off every period because she physically can't move.
I think they need to see these pupils (she can't be the only one) as individuals, they ja e already recognised additional needs, so why can't they see her as an individual in this instance?
This now has made her anxiety about school even worse, and to be quite honest the next time she feels her period coming, I don't want to send her in. As it massively affected her mental health, and is a safety risk if she is dizzy and walking home.
I'm cross because they have seen her look physically poorly and authorised her leaving early before, the only difference is, is that they disnt have forewarning that it was a period

I'm so sorry as this is really long, I am just so so cross.

Also of you agree with me...... any help to win this war with them would be greatly greatly appreciated ❤️

It doesn't resolve the school issue but have you considered starting her on hormonal therapy? My eldest has been on it for years as her periods were so heavy she'd flood. It also made her moods wild. My middle daughter started hers at 10 and didn't even tell me. I found her pants Im the wash. she struggled to engage with it all as she just wasn't emotionally mature enough. I spoke with the GP and she has been on hormonal therapy for 2 years now. She can choose when to have a bleed within a 6 month period and it's given her so much more control

Yes because you learn so much when you are vomiting and bent double in pain.

OP I've been where your DD is, the pill was the saving of me.

If the Dr is reluctant to prescribe stronger pain killers it might be worth trying a TENS machine. They don't work for everyone but might be worth a try.

I actually use mine for arthritis not period pain (too old thank F) this is the one I use and have been for 20 + years. If you have tried one and it not worked then sorry for repeating.

www.healthandcare.co.uk/tens-machines-and-nmes-systems/tpn-200-plus-dual-channel-tens-machine.html?gad_source=4&gad_campaignid=20627340127&gbraid=0AAAAAD7hp2rgmsW5jI5uF-_xI04ArpoiV&gclid=Cj0KCQjw2tHABhCiARIsANZzDWr3B7GVKi63ssCXBZ0lGXL-pmHf_uS40bXTZpGUedrmdcB2bVOk4RwaAtPrEALw_wcB

To be clear, OP isn't talking about "cramps" that can be managed with simple pain meds. FFS educate yourselves for those of you suggesting OP's dd just suck it up. It is completely outdated thinking to suggest that and expect women and girls to just "get on with it" .
And any GP thinking that is in the dark ages as well.

A simple AI search returned this:

Extreme period cramps, also known as dysmenorrhea, are severe menstrual cramps that can significantly interfere with daily activities. They can be caused by a variety of factors, including high levels of prostaglandins, underlying medical conditions like endometriosis or fibroids, or even a narrowing of the cervix.

NRTFT but my 16 yo dd1 was similar. More recently she would vomit on the first day of her period. She started at 13 yo so older than your dd. She was also prescribed tranexamic acid which we sent into school too. Thankfully, we have managed to get the GP to agree to give her the combined pill now, as she was missing a day or two every month and has her GCSEs coming up.

I really hope you get it sorted OP. I too take mefanemic acid and tranexamic acid for heavy and painful periods. You do know your dd can start taking the mefanemic acid as soon as the pain starts and the period is imminent, even if the bleeding hasn't started yet? It sucks being female 😒

I wouldn’t let my DD take the pill so young because of the breast cancer risk. Pain can be felt so much more acutely by autistic people and there is a link between autism/PMDD. School is discriminating against your DD on the grounds of gender and disability. YANBU.

I’m angry for you, what part of this did they not understand. She’s your daughter, it’s your child. Not there’s. Get it in righting they refused to contact you, ask for an investigation and explanation. They should keep her away from you or another guardian (think you said your mum) when she’s unwell. It’s absurd. They shouldn’t have this much control over our children

The school have acted abysmally. The misogyny inherent in the dismissal of period pain is endemic in our society, much of the medical profession dismisses it, posters on this thread, and, of course, the teachers at school.

From experience, I do think learning to cope with pain and still getting as much of your “normal” life as possible is a good goal to aim for if there isn’t likely a solution to the pain on the horizon. We only have one life and we don’t get the days back just because they sucked. But if you can’t concentrate on anything there is just no point in being in school and miserable.

The phone situation makes having her go outside the school policy to contact you difficult. But, if you can’t convince the school to not be so downright nasty, could something like this in the bottom of DD’s bag be a good fallback?

I’m a DHT and sent a girl home with period pain yesterday. I suffered terribly as a teenager with vomiting, fainting and excruciating period pain and no one ever took any notice. The SEND team probably weren’t best placed to make the decision. This is a debilitating medical condition that they’ve dismissed. I would write to someone higher up saying their needs policy needs to be reviewed and asking them why she wasn’t sent home when she was so obviously in pain. I know schools have a daily battle with kids making up ailments in order to be sent home but they really need to listen to girls about how debilitating periods can be. Those who haven’t experienced painful periods just don’t get it.

Your post seems to overlook the fact that the OP is already trying to manage their DD’s resistance to go to school due to possible autism.
Perhaps it is difficult for people not in this situation to understand, or have any empathy for, the daily struggle it can be to navigate this, but I thought the OP articulated this very well and is clearly dealing with a complex set of issues which your judgement on their parenting failed to notice.

This makes me so cross. Pain is not less valid because it comes from something that only affects women. You are in an awkward place right now where she is too young to try any hormonal treatment and is just having to put up with it. This school "policy" (I doubt there really is one) is absolutely misogynistic. It is also counterproductive when children are anxious about attending school. Please don't let this one go. I would be escalating this as far as I could until you get some acknowledgement of just how wrong this is.

That’s awful for your daughter. I work in a secondary girls school and we get a lot of students attend medical for period pain but we absolutely recognise the difference between the students who need a rest and a hot water bottle and those who need to go home. If your daughter finds school really difficult and has low attendance they may be trying to encourage her to stay to improve it (we wouldn’t do that).

From a school point of view I understand they can't send every girl home for period pain.
Have you met with the school specifically about this health issue? Is it on her file?
I would see your GP this week and they should at least write the facts of the current plan in place for your daughter. This should then be submitted to school.
I would be fuming too, you did everything you could on the day to support your daughter getting into school and feeling comfortable to go and that all backfired because school didn't keep their word. However, medical letters help. If you have any other letter, appointment letters, the letter after explaining what the plan is etc, get a copy of all of them for Friday's meeting.
By proving this is a medical issue and not just some almost teenager trying to skip school will help for the future.
Secondly I would raise that you should have been called if daughter was in that much pain. Even just to inform you as she can't have been in lessons, why weren't you told she was out of lessons?
Getting home- if daughter expressed dizziness then again you should have been called. What happens if she had collapsed?
To top it off... having autism makes this so much harder for your daughter to manage. More understanding and more communication with you is vital.
On Friday, you need an SEND, a pastoral and a school nurse (if there is one on site) there really. So communication is clear.
Moving forward email everyone in one email chain with the concerns on the morning. Put it in that you spoke to xyz. This way you have evidence. Otherwise if this happens again I would be making an official complaint.

My daughter has had perioda for 2 years, har first period was 1st April 2023.... she was 9. I have been speaking with the doctors about this for atleast a year, her age created massive limitations to medications they would prescribed. Mefenamic acid on the information sheet is not usually prescribed for under 14s...... but finally the doctors agreed her periods are so bad that they prescribed them.
Even if I send her in every single time now, she was sat in with the SEND teacher ir the pastoral teacher for 2 lessons on this day....... so although they have her attendance, she actually missed nearly half of her lessons that day. So for the people saying I'm hindering her education if I keep her of...... what good is sitting in an office in pain doing.
No she hasn't physically fainted at school due to it BUT they have saw her physically unwell enough to call me to say they are concerned about her walking home alone. On this day they just didn't know it was her period before they called me.
I know womens health is extremely difficult as so many people including medical professionals dismiss the sever symptoms, but I have been, and am prepared to continue to fight to hopefully give her a normal quality of life while on her period.
The teachers I spoke to one via email and one at the gates, see her multiple times a day due to neurodiverse needs. Yes now if we have the same next time she is due I will keep her off...... because again she is learning nothing sitting inside an office, and it just creates other issues and really affects her mental health. She struggles to say what she needs, so the fact she dis this day has really made her lose trust in the people who are assigned to help with her neurodiverse needs

Your poor daughter. I have had similar with school saying I could collect my son (ASD) if needed and then not contacting me when he was ill. Now he doesn’t go to school if he’s feeling under the weather- like you say they shot themself in the foot.

re the periods- I am suffering dreadfully at the moment and my dr advised I start taking the mefenemic acid and tranxemic acid 3 days before I’m due on. Sadly I’m not as regular as I was but on the cycles I get it right, it does make a massive difference to my pain. If you aren’t already doing it it might be worth a try!

Re. The pain itself - GP really needs to try different painkillers and definitely refer to gynaecology.

I have endometriosis. Was given mefanaemic acid which did absolutely nothing, even when I started taking it in advance of my period. (Stupid GP also prescribed tranexamic acid, which I didn't take after reading the warnings that came with it that it shouldn't be taken if you don't have heavy bleeding - just mentioning as a warning for anyone prescribed it who has pain but not heavyness!). Codeine and tramadol also did very little for my pain.

The pill had covered up my endo symptoms for years but after coming off it I realised it had had a horrible effect on my mental health so didn't want to go back to it.

Eventually the gynaecologist prescribed naproxen, which has been an absolute godsend (GP prescribes this now). Went from having white hot pain emanating from my lower back, mentally delirious with pain, throwing up... to actually able to work, just feeling mild cramps. On the worst days I take paracetamol too, inbetween the naproxen. Gynae explained the type of painkiller matters, not just the strength.

As an aside, someone invented a machine that supposedly simulates labour pain. I wish we could have an endometriosis version and everyone who dismisses it as "just" period pain be forced to experience it!

You sound like a great mum doing amazingly for your daughter in a very tough situation.
Please don’t think you did the wrong thing by sending your DD to school that day. You got the assurances you needed & then she went in. School went back on what they said but you weren’t to know that. You are now following up with school. You are being an excellent advocate for your daughter.
My daughter has said her period pains meant she didn’t feel up to school & I told her to get up take a paracetamol, have breakfast & get to school as she couldn’t have a day off a month for that. She was fine as soon as she got going. Our DD are in very different situations & that should be understood.

I understand how you feel but the school have a duty to educate your child. They cannot keep sending a child home sick on your or her say so without medical evidence or definite visible symptoms. Otherwise half the girls would be jumping on the band wagon to get sent home for a few days each month.
Have you even ssked for a doctor's note, or seen a gynae?

This is shocking and I wouldnt let this go either.
what i dont understand genuinely is why do we need as parents therefore adults, the school permission.

i have made it very clear in the past when my children were in primary school to the principal that i wasnt asking for permission (for a different issue) but was informing her.

i would also ask rhe GP to write a letter and I would be very clear that they have failed in their duty of care. i would also say that if a child is asking to call his / her parents, they do NOT have the power to refuse it. The school can have a conversation with the parents if they want to but we are in the 21st century not in some Dickensian orphenage, the school should absolutely call the parents if the child is sick/in pain/ distressed etc.

duty of care and pastoral care wtc. I would really make a huge deal and make them accountable.

you ve got my 100% support.

As a thought on potential solutions for future - may be worth raising it as a welfare and safeguarding issue through pastoral, and see if can agree a care plan for it.

That way you, your daughter and the school are all clear on what the expectations and arrangements are. Saves anyone having opinions on the day. Can also select and appropriate title which may not be period pain.

As several of the posters on here have demonstrated, there are a lot of very narrow minded people who assume that they know what someone else is experiencing just because they happen to have the same sex organs as them. It’s thorough unhelpful, and a good example of where sometimes some women are others worst enemy. The comments about ‘can’t do that when she’s working’ are also quite frankly utter bollox. I’ve had time off sick for period pain whilst working in a safety critical role on an oil
platform. Fortunately my colleagues and the medic there had enough sense to recognise that the best answer all round was for me to be in my cabin on the good drugs for those particular 8 hours.
(Also, worked out most effective drug combo - look into buscopan. More commonly used for ibs).

The life skill she needs to learn in navigating the situation, and cutting through the nonsense from other women.

Good luck!

And I am so sorry your daughter had her period so young. It s awful for her to have to deal with them at such young age. My daughters were respectively 13 nearly 14 and 12,5 so more equipped in terms of maturity and all their friends were having them
one by one. 9 is so young

Re getting home from school. The op says her dd collects her phone at the end of the school day, so she could and should have called her mum to say she was NT fit to walk home

@1SillySossij but as a duty of care the school should have jnformed mum of the day, being out of lessons etc. Plus daughter is SEND, therefore may not have thought through a new plan and instead gone with her normal- to walk home. She was in pain and probably not thinking straight, she just wanted to get home. She's been told by 'trusted' adults she's fine, so might not have wanted to bother anyone. This is now a learning conversation where OP tells her daughter to call immediately and is part of the learning curve of secondary, but also of having medical issues. But unfortunately the adults in this situation didn't do what was needed with communication.

School have a copy of Dr's consultation outlining the prescription medication, that it is for severely painful periods and heavy bleeding.
In regards to duty if care to educate I agree, but she missed 2 out of 5 lessons this day. So my argument is she could have been home and cared for for her pain, instead of still missing lessons but being in complete mental distress.

Yes she should have called me straight after school, but again neurodiverse and absolutely cannot regulate her emotions and quite honestly when she is in turmoil doesn't think straight at all. I recorded her so I can show just the amount of distress she was in to show the school what this day caused. I honestly wish I could send them on here, because then you would be able to hear the complete emotional dysregulation, and in her own words exactly what happened that day, even down to the beginning and reassurances.

In my house neurodiverse is one issue, periods are another. And when the 2 collide 🙈.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/physical-health/menstruation#:~:text=Research%20suggests%20that%20autistic%20people%20who%20menstruate%20may%20be%20more%20likely%20to%20experience:&text=excessive%20menstruation%20symptoms%2C%20including%20unusually%20painful%20periods,sleeping%2C%20that%20are%20affecting%20your%20daily%20life

There are so many similarities here with what I have been through with my daughter, and the battles I have had with school. The thing that made a difference to the schools response was getting senior leadership involved and talking through all the medical evidence. I think it helps that my daughter is under a paediatrician so they took it more seriously.

As well as dealing with this with my own child I work with children (and their parents) experiencing EBSA (emotionally-based school avoidance), she is hugely at risk and the school needs to be doing everything they can, right now, to prevent this escalating.

Make a complaint and then request a meeting. Get a written plan in place that everyone agrees with. If they don't agree to send her home in these circumstances it is highly likely that her school-based anxiety will increase. If the response from the school isn't good then I would seriously consider moving her because it will only get worse

I have a daughter who is 12 and autistic and got her period last year and just started high school so plenty to empathise with here. I would be raging. I think people might be forgetting that autistic girls can really struggle to self advocate. If she’s anything like my daughter anyway. The sensory challenges with the clothes (we’d never manage school trousers so are grateful that we are in Scotland at a school with a relaxed uniform policy), the additional sensory issues around period care, the knowledge that she was lied to (my daughter would find this so difficult), plus the fear of being in terrible pain means this child in my opinion would not be able to fight for herself or hide a phone to call her mum or think to phone for a lift home.

On bad days my daughter uses 90% of her energy just to stay present (she has terrible eczema so not the same thing at all but I know how distracting pain is for her), she has little left for fighting with her teachers. I cannot believe anyone thinks this mother or child could or should do more.

I would absolutely go in with all the information you can get from the GP and put it all in place for next time. Is this the only school that’s an option? Just because they’re showing a troubling lack of care and a huge lack of understanding of autism in girls and you have years of high school left.