School not sending home for period pain

[rainbow9713]

Hi I will try to keep this as short as possible but also don't want to drip feed.
I have an 11 year old daughter (12 in July) in year 7, she started her periods at 9 so has had 2 full years of periods, primary school were very understanding as she gets extreme pain to the point she passes out and/or physically vomits.
Doctors have given mefenamic acid and tranexamic acid, she has also had an ultrasound scan awaiting results.
Tuesday she was due on her period and said she didn't want to go to school (is an issue anyway about not wanting to go, but she still does attend) as she could feel it coming and they wouldn't send her home if she felt really bad.
Now her period before this, the day she was due I was called and asked to pick her up about an hour before finish, as she looked visibly unwell, went really pale and was feeling really dizzy. I said ah she is due on her period today so that will be it, I was at work but my mom went and collected her early.

Back to this period, she is under SEND at school with a pupil passport and extra support in place. Undiagnosed but strongly thought to be autistic (school agree to this) so is already treated as such and on the pathway for assessment. So Tuesday morning i email the SEND to say she is very anxious about coming in as she gets alot of pain, explain she does have prescription medication there, but could they please please (yes I used 2 pleases) call me if she is in pain so I can come and get her. As she isn't going to learn anything sitting in am office in pain, so I would rather make her comfortable at home...... reply was ofcourse, and also to tell her to use her time out pass at any time to go over to the SEND ect ect. She's still anxious so I see the new pastoral care at the gates, again say to her and to please please call me, I did say I can collect her before 2pm, if after 2pm it's a little more tricky but someone would be able to collect her.

She was late home (I jave a ring doorbell) so I call her and she is in absolute pieces. She said she was in so much pain and begged and begged them to call me but they wouldn't. She was late home as she stayed in the lessen 20 minutes after it ended as she felt dizzy so was scared to stand up incase she fainted. The teacher did walk her out to the gates but she then walked home alone.

I email the SEND as I am to put it bluntly extremely pissed off, as I reassured my daughter they would call me. And IMO they reassured that they would. The following day (my daughter was at home as had severe pain and was still in alot of distress about the day before, as in her words. They know she struggles to go to school but she tries her best to go in, and then they pull a stunt like this), the SEND calls me and says they won't authorise going home for period pain...... I'm like that is not what you or the pastoral told me yesterday.

So now I have a meeting next Friday, I plan to tell them I am not letting this go. I have printed information about autism and menstruation, nhs info on endometriosis and adenomyosis which are conditions that take years to diagnose but can really impact womens health and ability to live a normal life. Also news articles about schools who have had to change their period policy.

So am I being unreasonable to be so cross and upset my daughter has been treated this way?
She dies not misbehave at school, and honestly yes it can be a struggle to get her there but she does go. Her attendance is good other than a day off every period because she physically can't move.
I think they need to see these pupils (she can't be the only one) as individuals, they ja e already recognised additional needs, so why can't they see her as an individual in this instance?
This now has made her anxiety about school even worse, and to be quite honest the next time she feels her period coming, I don't want to send her in. As it massively affected her mental health, and is a safety risk if she is dizzy and walking home.
I'm cross because they have seen her look physically poorly and authorised her leaving early before, the only difference is, is that they disnt have forewarning that it was a period

I'm so sorry as this is really long, I am just so so cross.

Also of you agree with me...... any help to win this war with them would be greatly greatly appreciated ❤️

I can't take emotion out of it though, because yes women .menstruate, but for some it isn't 'just' a period..... sadly my daughter is one of those females where it isn't just a period.

So I'm weighing up her mental health, her physical health. The struggles she has ie neurodiverse. Now I wish I kept her off that day, because yes u want her to do well in gcse, yes I want her to live a good life in adulthood......... but the impact sending her in on Tuesday (yes a couple of you have already told me I shouldn't have sent her in) has massively impacted her mental health
Whereas if the school had done what they promised we wouldn't have this issue now. If I didn't have those promises before she went through those gates, I wouldn't have sent her in. I thought we had a practical plan in place to keep her routine as close to normal as it can be, but also a plan to make sure all will be okay.
I am very aware it would sound daft to call an employer to say I can't come in as I'm due on my period....... I'm also aware that as she gets older hopefully more investigations would have been carried out to hopefully have an answer and treatment which will mean she can live a normal life even when she is on her period

It’s so hard. My DD has heavy periods (which she also started in primary), also short cycles. But I still push her to go to school and then wish I hadn’t, because you don’t know which day will be the worst.

If we want our daughters to have equity with our sons, there should be non/judgemental period passes & help to catch up with missed classes.

And most of all we need the teachers & school nurses to recognise that these girls aren’t just skiving.

YANBU to be totally hacked off at the school. They did similar with my DD. Promised me they’d call if she felt unwell. Told her when she was unwell that they’d called me (they didn’t).

absolute breakage of all trust in the school staff

I kept her home after that. They are required by law to send home any work she misses and to not penalise her for missed exams or provide make up exams.

My DD’s health was #1 and no school flunky was going to cause her emotional distress on top of the physical pain she was already dealing with.

editing to add my DD didn’t blame me for trusting the school at first, she forgave me and we were a team after that as she knew I had her back.

Female pain and health being disregarded. If a boy had stomach pain he’d be allowed to go home

I used to get this when I was younger. Some people - even women - don't get how debilitating periods can be for some women. I bloody hate schools and their obsession with attendance.

Is she going to take a week off every month when she’s in work? As that won’t really fly either .

Really?

It’s bonkers they wouldn’t call you to take her home! I was exactly the same as a teenager in the early nineties. Used to pass out and collapse in school corridor with the pain and sometimes be sick - obviously my mum was called! Same situation - prescribed mefanimic acid, and I was put on pill at 14/15 which sorted things. By my late teens, perod pains thankfully disappeared (hopefully this will be the case for your daughter!) I can’t imagine how awful I would have felt on those days that I collapsed if the school hadn’t got me picked up. It’s cruel and you should absolutely complain!

So will you keep her off every month?

Meh, if it continues into adulthood, it will be covered under the equality act as a disability so yes it will “fly”

Yes really! Is op going to keep her kid off school for a week every single month? Because if so she probably won’t pass any exams to get a good job and minimum wage jobs don’t tend to like it if you take 1 week per month off because you have a heavy period

You should be ashamed of yourself.
what sort of example are you setting?

if a woman is in this much pain let’s be more than curious. Not dismissive. Let’s solve the problem. Don’t ignore it.

You shouldn't have sent her in and I think you know that now.

A school has possibly up to 2,000 students and 200 members of staff. They are not going to be able to put individual measures in place on a daily basis for different students to remember who has a particular issue on a particular day. This isn't because they don't want to, but because it's not practically possible. The school on that same day will have had numerous pupils claiming to be sick and they don't always know where to draw the line.

If something like this does happen again, email each teacher that your child is going to have that day directly, rather than just a generic email to the school. Make an effort and find our their direct email addresses. Do this as early as you can (before 7.00), so that they have the best possible chance of seeing it before they start teaching at around 8.30. They still may not see it, or they may be constrained by the overall school's policy, but you've a much better chance of them recognising your daughters issues.

This might not solve everything, as a classroom teacher won't have the authority to call parents or send them home, but it will mean the adult who actually sees them during the day will have a direct knowledge of their issue and know that it's genuine. This will make it more likely that they can advocate for them with other school staff, and inform the staff responsible for the decision that the parent has confirmed that it's genuine, which will make it more likely to be taken seriously.

The person who you spoke to in the morning will have more than likely not seen your daughter for the rest of the day. They may have emailed all teachers to let them know of the issue, but teachers then probably won't have seen that email until the afternoon, when it's too late. Also, it did jump out at me that you said the new pastoral care person, which given it's an academy chain, probably means that there's constant turnover, with people who don't know policies and possibly have much experience working with young people (pastoral roles aren't generally qualified teachers and are generally paid slightly above minimum wage, especially in academy chains).

Lol you are too funny, my DD had attendance in the 60%s and she aced her GCSEs and actually at A levels had a pre-agreed schedule with the 6th form where she only attended 50% of classes and did them over a 3yr schedule instead of 2 years- which she also aced.

She’s at a top 10 UK Uni, top 30 World Uni now on an honours masters degree course in a highly paid career field that has massive worker shortages.

It is the LAW that any debilitating condition/ disability that prevents attendance n person means they MUST provide work to do at home and arrange access for exams.

She won’t be working a minimum wage job with her degrees when she is all done. In fact ensuring her academic success is her only path to an independent life with her autism and physical health problems, if Stephen Hawking could do it, so can she.

Seriously?? I take it you don’t have endometriosis then? The symptoms OP’s daughter has are clearly not a standard period. Don’t be so smug or judgemental.

I have reasonable adjustments for mine, it’s not a full week or every month that the pain is so bad but yes when it is, I can’t work
its not that it’s a heavy period, it’s the severe pain I’m in

I think you are getting angry at the wrong people! She needs a medical solution to thus or at the very least a doctor's note that says she needs time off, if her pain is unmanageable.
You say she gets sick and faints on her period?Has she ever actually vomited or fainted at school?
Another thing is that she seems to be getting very worked up about this and thus will be making the pain worse than if she can learn how to relax. Is there a safe space she can go to at school where she can walk about or do relaxation techniques.
I had horrendously bad periods when I was at school, so bad I remember sitting there sweating and praying I wasn't going to faint. School never ever sent me home, they just gave me ideas for coping.

God, this is absolutely infuriating for any woman or girl who has suffered this way. I’ve had two home births which were an absolute breeze compared to the levels of pain I went through as a teenager.

Also the school nursing service is there to help with medical issues which affect education so that is another avenue you could try.
But at the end of the day, school are not medically trained. If she is going to need regular time off for a health issue, I think you are going to need some evidence of this from a medical professional.

Oh great, it’s one of these people who complains about school staff not being respected enough, and thinks defending the indefensible will somehow improve the situation.

Yeah don’t you people get it? It’s just a women’s issue. It doesn’t count.

I remember always being in the sick room at school when I had my period, the pain was unbearable.
I've had painful periods all my life, the only thing that sorted it out was childbirth. I don't get any pain now. So I really feel for your daughter as I know how painful they can be. School should have done something.

I think it is outrageous you daughter is denied bodily autonomy. Can she be given permission by you to call you directly if she needs to leave? ie she calls you and you make arrangements with her and then you call the school to say your daughter is to wait for you in the office until you get there. iyswim?

Agreed. OP's dd likely needs a gyno exam for endometriosis etc
It could take years to sort. She doesn't need to suffer at school in the meantime.

I’m sorry for your DD and you are right to be angry.

its the same at my DD’s school. My DD gets awful sickness of the first day or two if her period, feels faint, sometimes vomits and dizzy. She has a rare disorder that I’ve read can cause this but it’s such a rare disorder school don’t really know much about it beyond what I’ve explained.

One day she text me from the toilet to say she was going to welfare and was really sick due to her period. Sure enough a few minutes later school called me to collect her. I innocently yes it’s her period , she does suffer very badly and the school staff members tone changed. She said ‘oh. DD didn’t tell me that because she knows we don’t let them to go home for period pain’.

I was really surprised. I know kids probably use it as an excuse a lot but any sickness can be used as an excuse so I don’t know why period pain seems to be such a red flag for some schools.