To think that women who fall for romance scammers are idiots?

[YourAmplePlumPoster]

Are women who fall for romance scammers idiots?

90% of the population are (what I would consider to be) idiots.

@ellie09 a 'barrister' asking for money should definitely be a red flag. Of course anyone asking for money from someone they are dating should raise concerns.

People say scammers target the vulnerable but often scammers haven’t got a clue who’s vulnerable until they reply to the scam because they think they are going to win loads of money or something.

Remember our mums told us not to talk to strange men. Don't know what it about the Internet that makes us let our guard down.

For the second time mumsnet has censored a post of mine which absolutely does not break any rules or guidelines. The last one they censored was published.

Good advice to children. Of course, we habitually talk to strange men as adults.

Before the internet, we got chatting to men we'd only just met in real life. We sometimes answered or placed lonely hearts ads. We talk to strange men when buying and selling, job hunting, all kinds of things both online and off!

There’s victim blaming, and equally bad is total victim excusing: of course it’s not your fault - no need for personal responsibility - no need to reflect and learn yada yada.

And I’ll say again that it cannot be denied that victims have a heightened sense of their own attractiveness.

We can all be flattered, but to believe that someone waaaaay out of your league in appearance and economic status, let alone twenty years at least your junior is madly in love with you demands that you are pretty conceited.

They work on their victims for months, sometimes years before the requests for money start. They build up a relationship which will have all the appearance of depth. They aren't always posing as attractive youngsters either.

It definitely is the long game but honestly most of the depth comes from the victims own minds.
Conversations seem to be all "My Queen", "have you eaten" type of vibe, unsurprising from a Nigerian teenager i suppose.

Disclaimer, dont come at me for saying Nigerian, they're always in Nigeria on Catfished. Occasional shocking surprise when they're in Ghana instead.

I'm academically intelligent but I'm on the spectrum so can be too trusting and naive, and was often taken advantage of by others when I was younger. But I've learned from my mistakes.

In my first year of uni I received one of those Nigerian prince scams via email, before they became common knowledge; I was dubious but still felt a flicker of excitement and hope because I was in financial difficulties, under a lot of stress and wishing for a solution. I took the email home to my mom and she told me a useful phrase to keep in mind: If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. I've lived by that ever since.

Horrible victim blaming thread.

Someone who believes that they’re in a relationship with Brad Pitt isn’t a victim, they’re an idiot.

There are certain scams where you can see how people fall for them.

The bank claiming that your money is at risk so you need to draw it all out.

The Royal Mail one saying you need to arrange delivery of your parcel.

The M&S email saying you’ve been selected to receive a hamper, and countless others.

You can see how someone can get drawn in by any of them. The bank is because people panic about their money and they’re caught unawares.

The Royal Mail one because if you’re expecting a parcel then it’s logical to accept there could be a problem.

The M&S one because if you’re a customer it’s easy to see how you could have been given an offer.

But being contacted out of the blue by Brad Pitt isn’t even remotely believable.

And remortgaging your house for a man you’ve never met is pure idiocy. Even if it was someone you knew was genuine getting yourself into debt for them would be ill-advised.

As someone said upthread, the victim excusing on this thread is far worse.

People need to realise that if they fall for this they’re not victims. They need to realise that Brad Pitt isn’t going to be remotely interested in them, or that nobody they’ve never met is going to ask them for hundreds of thousands of pounds.

Softly softly doesn’t work. They don’t want to hear it.

Someone who believes that they’re in a relationship with Brad Pitt isn’t a victim, they’re an idiot.

My DGM used to believe that Chis Tarrant was speaking directly and personally to her when he made small talk between the questions on WWTBAM.

She was also convinced that she worked for the police and that the voices in her head were basically their police radio, with them liaising with her for her advice on police matters.

Aside from this, she was intelligent and could be very astute at times. If she had been born decades later, she would almost certainly have been diagnosed as autistic, completely separate from her schizophrenia and psychosis.

We - as did the doctors - always believed that she was a sparky and fascinating but also very vulnerable old lady with severe lifelong mental health problems; interesting to know that we were all wrong and she was apparently just an idiot...

@IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta my best to you. She sounded fabulous. (Relative with the same MH conditions)

But it is not accurate to suggest all women (and men) who fall for romance scams have serious mental health problems or frailties. I was targeted by scammers years ago during a brief foray into online dating. I could feel the seductiveness of someone you’ve never even met love bombing you with flattery. But after a few conversations it get quite weird and I showed the messages to a friend who wasn’t impressed and soon cut off contact. I also became aware of the same picture being used on multiple profiles and informed the company.

But that's the thing, the most successful ones don't get too weird. They don't gush and fawn over people, they chat. They let it build.

Well frankly, some of those catfished videos with the victims family and friends who are worried out of their minds and picking up the pieces financially and otherwise for their foolishness makes me think they are more victims than the actual target.

You were talking to a Nigerian teenager using someone's profile.

Well, I wasn't talking to anyone, I have never even done online dating.
They AREN'T all Nigerian teenagers who give themselves away in minutes, is what I am saying.

The ones that really know what they are doing spend a lot of time and effort reeling people in.

The ones that really know what they are doing spend a lot of time and effort reeling people in.

They can only reel in the willing, though. And by that I mean willing to suspect disbelief.
When you watch things like Catfished, the victim is talking like it's some sort of grand romance and then they show calls or texts and it's just.... shit. They're in love with a creation in their own minds mostly, built around often really shonky, scant scaffolding as provided by the scammer.
And I think that's where the scammers' success lies - it's finding people like this, not necessarily being that believable.

True, true, @ArtTheClown. But, then, I've done this in real life. I'm hardly alone in looking back at my dreadful marriage and going "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING???!"

It's arguably even more stupid when you're seeing him every day in real life, red flags flapping invisibly in the wind of wishful thinking 😳 He didn't even pretend to be the person I chose to believe in; he simply kept quiet about the person he was.

Emotions and hormones do weird shit to people. Had I been as well informed and as therapied-up as I am now, I'd not have gone on a second date with XH2. You only tend to get this well-informed because you've made a mistake, though. I can't find it in myself to look down on life's trusting optimists!

Yes, it is a whole other level to believe Brad Pitt has fallen in love with little ol' you online. I still think trusting optimism + low intellect or mental illness doesn't equal stupid. Just vulnerable.

Real-life is a bit different though. You meet someone in a particular social context where they seem charming/good-looking and seem to have the approval of your family/peers/workmates. Then things become different later on down the line behind closed doors and you think what was I ever thinking? Online you don’t have the social opinion or pressure, it’s like entering an isolation bubble. I think it encourages one to indulge in a fantasy life. Realistically how can you be “deeply in love” with someone you’ve never met?

Realistically how can you be “deeply in love” with someone you’ve never met?

It's a good question. I've never done that so I can't say I know. I have made very close friends online, though - on here, as a matter of fact! We shared things very quickly that would take years to share with RL friends, if ever. We helped each other through some extraordinarily difficult times. Out of a group of ten, I've still only met one face to face. Nine years on, I don't have all their home addresses.

It's a support group. If one of us had been a scammer, we'd have sussed her out but probably not before they'd done some damage. When I watched Sweet Bobby, I understood how Kirat got so involved. Her scammer wove the fantasy into her real life so, when she checked up on background and linked real-life events to what was happening with 'Bobby', she received convincing affirmation that he was legit. The scammer put a massive amount of effort into it; it was very creative. Bobby was a real person, just not the one she was talking to.

The 'too shocking to be real' events that stopped Bobby meeting with her made me think Kirat was gullible - but they were uncheckable. He was in hospital abroad, which the scammer 'confirmed', and then he was in police protection. You can't check that.

In my group, some shocking things have happened as part of the reason we came together. I've never actually checked their stories! We've done each other small favours but, really, the group's about emotional investment and time like any other support group. You have to open up to form connections. It wouldn't be too hard to leverage that, I think.

It's interesting, all right. I could see what Kirat's vulnerabilities were - attracted to unavailable men, excessive loyalty, intense cultural pressure to be married: very run-of-the-mill weaknesses. Some of the victims you see on these documentaries do seem absurdly narcissistic ... and that's the vulnerability their scammers manipulate. I truly doubt that any of us would be immune to a determined attempt; we each have our weak spots.

I'm just fascinated by human psychology and behaviour! This topic's a rich seam, for sure.

While I was typing that, Mumsnet served me an ad for Polish Ladies Living Abroad, Just waiting To Meet You 😂😂

I just had this rubbish appear in my Facebook.