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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of racism by client

399 replies

stample · 02/05/2025 20:17

I work and deal with clients daily, I spoke to a regular client being polite and civil, and they too were civil back only to get home and email my manager saying I had implied a racist remark towards them. My manager knows this was not the case and responded back. For reference I am white with black children and the client was black (they wouldn’t know anything about my personal life)
AIBU to mention this when I next see them, obviously apologise if they thought what I said was racist and then to say my family are black…

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 03/05/2025 02:58

I think it's pretty bloody offensive for a poster to label other posters ignorant and racist when they can't or won't explain what they mean (my money is on can't, but I am happy to be proved wrong). Several posters have explained why the OP wasn't being racist @Tbrh and. on a side note, why it doesn't compare to men being actually sexist. OP made a factual statement. The fact that watermelons have racist connotations in another country is by the by. She saw the client eat some watermelon so she noted it.

Mothership4two · 03/05/2025 03:09

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 02:53

She said the client didn't like watermelon. Did the op ask what she liked. It's basic caring skills. I have 4 children their taste buds changed over the years I still ask them what they like or don't like to eat. When you are caring for someone else treat them how you would treat your own family.

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This has nothing to do with the OP's AIBU.

OP was giving 'general feedback' to someone (presumably a family member of the client) and they said the client didn't like watermelon and reported back that OP might be making some sort of racist comment (well that was my take on it). Obviously if OP saw the client eating watermelon they weren't that adverse to it.

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 03:24

Mothership4two · 03/05/2025 03:09

This has nothing to do with the OP's AIBU.

OP was giving 'general feedback' to someone (presumably a family member of the client) and they said the client didn't like watermelon and reported back that OP might be making some sort of racist comment (well that was my take on it). Obviously if OP saw the client eating watermelon they weren't that adverse to it.

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She was not talking to a family member if you read her opening post she was talking directly to the client. She could have asked questions about what she liked to eat.

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 03:28

Is this thread a wind up it sounds so bizarre and the comments are stirring people up. It's written to provoke a reaction.

Notsosure1 · 03/05/2025 03:35

MrsMappFlint · 02/05/2025 23:25

You have offended me by referring to Crisp Bags in your name as I am addicted to crisps, am 18 stone overweight-wheezing and sensitive- and feel that you are taking the piss out of me by referring to mounting crisp bags.

You have also offended my great aunt Fanny who comes from Monte Cristo by taking the piss out of the place she was born in. Please apologise to her and to all others who were born in this place.

Are you also aware that Monte Cristo is a brand of cigar. My dad coughs, spits and farts his way through his old age because he smoked these in his youth-it is not a laughing matter to include a reference to this in your user name, as it offends him.

So, your disgusting insensitive user name has offended all three of us.

As you say, you "may not mean to do it" but you have and as you say, you "cannot invalidate our feelings by saying 'if they thought.'

Again, as you say, " it implies (we) are in the wrong for misinterpreting your words and taking offence."

We are offended. Don't invalidate our feelings. Now you know you have offended us, please apologise. By your own lights, you are in the wrong.

We don't have to justify our feelings-all that matters is that you don't "invalidate " them.

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Good point and brilliant username - loved the original show!

Velmy · 03/05/2025 03:46

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 02:53

She said the client didn't like watermelon. Did the op ask what she liked. It's basic caring skills. I have 4 children their taste buds changed over the years I still ask them what they like or don't like to eat. When you are caring for someone else treat them how you would treat your own family.

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You're missing the point by a county mile.

The client liking or not liking watermelon is not the issue here. The level of care is not the issue here.

The client was seen eating watermelon. This was was brought up at a later time by OP when discussing client's diet.

An accusation was then made that OP's comment about the client eating watermelon was racist.

It was not racist.

tetleydd · 03/05/2025 03:47

I would want your manager to formally acknowledge and refute this complaint. It could be seen as a stain on your record if not dealt with correctly now. Things could escalate in the future. In your line of work you need a clean slate. If at all possible I would decline to provide service for this client again because it has put your good name and reputation at risk and that is extremely valuable in your role. They could be a ‘problem’ family who find faults with everyone. That is for your manager to handle. Don’t put yourself at risk with this client.

Mothership4two · 03/05/2025 03:49

@Helloworlditsmeagain

She was not talking to a family member if you read her opening post she was talking directly to the client. She could have asked questions about what she liked to eat.

And, if so, telling the OP to ask her is still not relevant to her AIBU?

OP didn't say she gave the client the watermelon BTW, just that she'd noted they had eaten some and the client said they didn't like it, implying that they hadn't eaten it and that OP had made it up for some nefarious reason.

I was confused by OP's second post: the client in person smiled and said ok but in the email said the individual doesn’t like watermelon. It sounded like two people, which is why I (and other posters) were a bit puzzled.

Velmy · 03/05/2025 03:51

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 03:24

She was not talking to a family member if you read her opening post she was talking directly to the client. She could have asked questions about what she liked to eat.

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It doesn't matter if OP was talking to client directly or a family member.

Why do you think asking what the client likes to eat is relevant to the accusation that OP was being racist by noting that the client had previously eaten watermelon?

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 03:52

Velmy · 03/05/2025 03:46

You're missing the point by a county mile.

The client liking or not liking watermelon is not the issue here. The level of care is not the issue here.

The client was seen eating watermelon. This was was brought up at a later time by OP when discussing client's diet.

An accusation was then made that OP's comment about the client eating watermelon was racist.

It was not racist.

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I didn't say she was racist I said she needs to change her approach. The client has a problem with the op and she may not want her around in the future working with her. The op needs to treat her sensitively going forward. Not all carers are good at caring.

Velmy · 03/05/2025 03:55

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 03:52

I didn't say she was racist I said she needs to change her approach. The client has a problem with the op and she may not want her around in the future working with her. The op needs to treat her sensitively going forward. Not all carers are good at caring.

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Nobody has said that you said she was racist. Please actually read the posts you're responding to.

There is no indication from the information OP has given in this thread that she needs to change her approach. How have you drawn that conclusion?

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 04:03

Velmy · 03/05/2025 03:55

Nobody has said that you said she was racist. Please actually read the posts you're responding to.

There is no indication from the information OP has given in this thread that she needs to change her approach. How have you drawn that conclusion?

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Calm yourself down dear it's not a fight of who is right or wrong. All I am doing is giving advice that is what Mumsnet is for. These things can quickly escalate like another poster said above. The client has made a complaint and the op has to be more sensitive and use a different approach. The client doesn't like the op.

Itwasacceptableinthe80zz · 03/05/2025 04:06

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 03:28

Is this thread a wind up it sounds so bizarre and the comments are stirring people up. It's written to provoke a reaction.

This 👆

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 04:08

Itwasacceptableinthe80zz · 03/05/2025 04:06

This 👆

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Thanks I also thought the last comment to me was a wind up as well.

user1492757084 · 03/05/2025 04:21

I see no problem. Op was polite and doing her job by the letter.
Watermelon is pink and green last time I looked and it seems to be in nearly everyone's shopping trolleys in the warmer months. How can eating watermelon possibly be raciist?

Perhaps when watermelon costs a lot, it could be an indication of socioeconomic group but not racism.

Totally bizarre!
Op should continue to be her polite self and forget about the complaint. Leave the response up to the Complaints Department to handle in a professional manner.

Maxorias · 03/05/2025 04:35

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 02:53

She said the client didn't like watermelon. Did the op ask what she liked. It's basic caring skills. I have 4 children their taste buds changed over the years I still ask them what they like or don't like to eat. When you are caring for someone else treat them how you would treat your own family.

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If you have children you should know that asking what they like is a huuuuge mistake 😂 if I did that mine could probably only ever agree on plain pasta. What I make is what there is for dinner, if they're not hungry enough to eat it they can wait until next meal. If I only ever made what they like, they'd never see the shadow of a vegetable.

If I were a parent of a SEN child and the carer said they ate watermelon, I'd be thrilled that they ate something healthy and that they're having more variety in their diet, rather than look for some obscure reference to be offended by.

Waterweight · 03/05/2025 04:37

Sorry but you lost me at the black kids 💀😂 is it possible you felt a little too comfortable saying something mundane & it's been taken the wrong way

In general when it comes to work is to just suck it up, if she was offended just apologise & move on

nomas · 03/05/2025 04:41

stample · 02/05/2025 20:38

Genuinely it’s care work for SEND individuals. I gave general feedback about eating habits and mentioned they had eaten watermelon.
The client in person smiled and said ok but in the email said the individual doesn’t like watermelon and what was the carer implying

Why do you write so formally, have you used ChatGpt to draft this?

I’m wondering if the issue is your communication skills, because if your communication is like this in real life then it may be causing some confusion.

InWalksBarberalla · 03/05/2025 04:49

Helloworlditsmeagain · 03/05/2025 03:52

I didn't say she was racist I said she needs to change her approach. The client has a problem with the op and she may not want her around in the future working with her. The op needs to treat her sensitively going forward. Not all carers are good at caring.

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Because she noted that the client ate watermelon? No where does it imply that the OP force feed the client watermelon or is in any way not a good carer. Not all clients are reasonable.

Feelingmuchbetter · 03/05/2025 05:03

It is not a racist comment. Clearly. I would let the manager sort this out.

When you next see the client I would say ‘just for clarity I write about the food I see being consumed by clients in a factual way, this is part of my job, and no offence was intended or implied’ and leave it at that.

I am sure you are very upset, how awful to be accused of this. I am certain your manager will deal with it robustly.

GRex · 03/05/2025 05:38

Apologising for what someone else thought is rude. You also can't apologise for making a factual statement; if the person being cared for had an allergic reaction then their parent(?) would need to be aware of what food they had eaten. Aside from the odd complaint, it is slightly concerning that you were feeding someone without knowing about allergies and what they do or do not like, when it sounds like they are unable to express opinions.

If you feel the need to be conciliatory, you could say "I was sorry to hear that you were upset after my last visit. If X is not able to eat any particular food, or dislikes particular things, please let me know."

GRex · 03/05/2025 05:40

Feelingmuchbetter · 03/05/2025 05:03

It is not a racist comment. Clearly. I would let the manager sort this out.

When you next see the client I would say ‘just for clarity I write about the food I see being consumed by clients in a factual way, this is part of my job, and no offence was intended or implied’ and leave it at that.

I am sure you are very upset, how awful to be accused of this. I am certain your manager will deal with it robustly.

This middle paragraph is good. I would still check in about what they can or can't eat though.

MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled · 03/05/2025 05:43

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 02/05/2025 21:33

obviously apologise if they thought what I said was racist and then to say my family are black…

That is not an apology, it's a cop out. In any situation (not specifically this one) if one's words or actions offend someone, even if we did not mean them to do so, you cannot invalidate their feelings by saying 'if they thought'. It implies that they are in the wrong for misiterpreting your words and taking offence.

This is rubbish. I’m not going to go round apologising for every little thing which may have offended you. You may be in the wrong, you may have misinterpreted it. I may apologise for not being clear enough but if you choose to take offence at something that is not obviously offensive - that’s down to you

MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled · 03/05/2025 05:47

ArtTheClown · 02/05/2025 23:55

Let that sit with you for a bit

Do people really think that speaking to others like this is going to persuade or convince them of anything?

Exactly. So patronising. Urghh

CuttedPearPie · 03/05/2025 05:53

Christmasmorale · 02/05/2025 23:41

I was genuinely shocked the first time a nursery worker called my son a cheeky monkey and was going to make a complaining until my husband convinced me not to.

What I hadn’t realised was that cheeky monkey is commonly used in the south east of England as a term of endearment and that’s how you were using it. However, please know that for many black people in the UK, they will have grown up being called monkey as an insult and might not be aware that it’s also used as a term of endearment in some parts of the country. So she might have heard what you said and assumed you were being racist towards her/ her child because her only prior experience of the term monkey being used is in its use as a racist insult towards her/ her child.

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Its up to everyone to educate themselves and make themselves aware. That includes exploring how terms are used in the region you've moved to