Accused of racism by client

[stample]

I work and deal with clients daily, I spoke to a regular client being polite and civil, and they too were civil back only to get home and email my manager saying I had implied a racist remark towards them. My manager knows this was not the case and responded back. For reference I am white with black children and the client was black (they wouldn’t know anything about my personal life)
AIBU to mention this when I next see them, obviously apologise if they thought what I said was racist and then to say my family are black…

This.

This has literally nothing to do with what is being discussed

All of my children have been called cheeky little monkey. My dear grandson wears a onesie/pyjamas with Cheeky Monkey on the tummy and we all eat lots of watermelon. We come from Irish and Scottish stock.

MrsMappFlint Good point, well made, and 😂

@stample

Am I getting this right?

Was it more that you’d stated the client ate watermelon, but the family member thought this wasn’t a true assessment because they think the client doesn’t like watermelon?

Could it be that the family member thought you’d assumed the client would like watermelon because of their race, rather than making a true assessment?

I had a child eating grapes at school, but wouldn’t at home. The parent didn’t believe me, so I provided video evidence?

When you say you're white with black children, did you adopt black children? If they are mixed raced you need to stop referring to them for black, they are half and half and that will cause identity issues.

As black*

You need to hand-pollinate them or the little tiny one that appear under the flowers, will die. This is sadly due to the decline in pollinating insects. Try again! Now is the perfect time to sow the seeds and hand-pollinating is dead easy & quick! There’s tonnes of videos on YouTube showing you how to do it 🍉

I wouldn't apologise, I wouldn't explain. Some people see offense everywhere including in fruit and these are people I can't bear. The fact that this person didn't say a word to you but went and tried to get you into trouble at work speaks volumes about them. If I had to continue to work with them I would go with icy politeness in the future, but I would try not to work with them again. Who knows what they are going to make up next.

Are you in America? And is this person African American? Or is this critical race theory creating more racism by applying American history when it’s not relevant?

I’m mixed race and have been called racist by people who don’t know my background and who have used critical race theory to imagine slights where there are none. It’s a very pernicious and destructive drift and should be called out assertively for what it is - post modern crap.

The op needs to treat her sensitively going forward.
That's not an anxiety provoking working place at all then is it? So op and all other carers need to walk on eggshells then, just in case someone somehow takes anything they say as offensive, because it doesn't matter what you say, if someone perceives offense..... you're in the wrong?

Yes I noticed that too, my children are of mixed ethnicity as are the OP’s, one white parent, one black parent. Describing them as black does deny the other half of their heritage.

So the Americans using it as a racial slur = black people pulling things out of their arses to be offensive?

Yes, I think possibly it isn't oversensitivity, or manipulative trap laying. Though it's not completely clear exactly what happened.
Possibly something like: mother is distressed by the idea of her disabled, black child being a figure of fun in the eyes of carers (who aren't black) for the way he consumes watermelon. Like the way an Irish mother might worry about people thinking mockingly of their child who says "potatoe! potatoe! potatoe!" at meal times.

I think you could be more understanding, if it is something like this going on. I don't mean I think there should be a note on your record that you've been racist with a client. Just see if you can talk to her (him?) and reassure her.

Love it when those who have not read the post properly go all heaving bosoms and pearl-clutchy.
I was talking about the principle of an apology and if you and the others who did not read my post properly feel you can make stupid responses based on an erroneous reading and thus misinterpretation, please go ahead. You look stupid.

Next time someone apologises to you saying 'i am sorry if you feel that way, see how you feel. The point is, you do feel affronted, and the person apologising by saying 'if' is mimimising their actions.and intimating you are in the wrong for being hurt.

Some people use the word racism when they can't come up with a proper argument. If someone said you like eating Yorkshire pudding would they be racist? It's so silly, I would ignore it.

And another who doesn't understand because they didn't read my post.
I was discussing the PRINCIPLE of an apology, not an apology aboutcthe issue
The principle being that saying ' I am sorry 'if' you feel I have upset you...' is not an apology.
An apology is 'I am sorry I upset you..'

Men don't choose the sex of their children.

It doesn’t seem possible to open your mouth without offending someone these days.

I wouldn’t apologise. I’d try and offload this client to another member of staff if you can.

After reading this thread I really fancy a watermelon

If you point out your family it’s just going to sound like “I even have a black friend! Look!”

I’d just apologise and keep it moving. I thought the watermelon thing was an American insult but maybe not.

Dont say I'm not racist because I have black kids, that will not go down well!

If you have to continue to work with this client then maybe just bring up that you apologise that there was a misunderstanding in the last session and you just want to clarify that you mentioned watermelon as the child was in fact eating watermelon and nothing more was meant by it.

Then hopefully you can both move on more comfortably.

I don't think anyone should need to apologise for noting that someone was eating watermelon.

Perfectly possible.
A lot of people are (despite thinking they arent) racist and have little grasp of the fact they commit microagressions every day. The fact OP has 'black' children (were they adopted? if not they are not black but mixed race) may means she may gave been clumsy with words but also being in an interracial relationship does not mean someone can't be racist.

The important thing about being anti-racist is to be resilient and open when challenged. And to discuss things. Because we all have different triggers and tolerance levels. So I absolutely would discuss with them. However, I’d speak with your manager first, to make sure it’s OK to talk about the complaint. The client may not have wanted you told about it. You don’t want to make it worse by breaching confidentiality.

Watermelon is a racist trope associated with people of African descent being dirty, lazy and childish. So, if you mentioned this in a way that could have been taken that way, it may have been perceived as veiled racism, e.g. “You’ve done well eating your watermelon today, haven’t you” (e.g. speaking to someone like a child and implying they may be lazy with their eating). This may be helpful: https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2014/12/how-watermelons-became-a-racist-trope/383529/.

The important thing is to create a safe space, where they feel they can talk to you easily and openly. And that you’ll hear them, and take them seriously. I’d say something like: ‘I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this. My manager told me you’d complained about me. I’m sorry I offended you. I’m keen not to do it again. I know references to watermelon can be racist. But I didn’t mean it in that way. Could you explain to me whether it was because I mentioned it at all or if it was the way I said it? I’m really keen to make sure I don’t offend you or anyone else. I’d really appreciate it if you could let me know if I say or do anything else that offends you, as it’s important I know’.

Ignoring the complaint would be the worst thing. Imagine complaining to an all-male company about something someone said which you took as sexist, and then nothing being said? So, if your manager suggests this, I’d challenge them on that and say you feel it’s better to take the complaint seriously, apologise for offence and talk about it.

Also, having mixed ethnicity kids doesn’t mean a person automatically isn’t racist. Black people can say and do racist things, because we live in a racist society. Racism can be indirect as well as direct, e.g. treating a person differently because of racist assumptions (even if well meaning) or organising things that make it difficult for people of colour to participate, e.g. a job interview at Eid.

And people of colour can be racist about other ethnicities, e.g. people of Caribbean-African descent making racist assumptions about, or being directly racist to, people of African descent. Or people of Indian heritage making remarks about people of Pakistani heritage.

Also, if you’re White, while having Mixed kids will have given you insights into what it’s like to be a person of colour and the direct and indirect racism they can experience, it doesn’t mean you know what it’s like. You may have already read it, but I recommend Akala’s book: ‘Natives: Race and Class in the Ruins of Empire’. He talks about this in it as his mum is White.