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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Accused of racism by client

399 replies

stample · 02/05/2025 20:17

I work and deal with clients daily, I spoke to a regular client being polite and civil, and they too were civil back only to get home and email my manager saying I had implied a racist remark towards them. My manager knows this was not the case and responded back. For reference I am white with black children and the client was black (they wouldn’t know anything about my personal life)
AIBU to mention this when I next see them, obviously apologise if they thought what I said was racist and then to say my family are black…

OP posts:
Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/05/2025 08:54

Helloworlditsmeagain · 04/05/2025 08:32

I call BS I don't think it happened the op is vague and she hasn't returned. Since Thursday a lot of Reform voters are getting strong.

I’m not sure you can call BS on an OP when you have no real idea of what it is they’re saying. And what on earth have reform voters got to do with any of this ?

Atina321 · 05/05/2025 08:56

I have seen people complain about racism when we’ve never even seen/spoken to the person and they have an anglicised name! Literally only have an email
from them about a technical issue and a generic response has been issued.

Let it go, this isn’t a “you” issue.

Dangermoo · 05/05/2025 08:58

Helloworlditsmeagain · 05/05/2025 08:53

I hope you get everything you deserve and more. Good luck

I'm fine and dandy so absolutely no luck needed. You need it way more than me.

Dangermoo · 05/05/2025 08:59

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/05/2025 08:54

I’m not sure you can call BS on an OP when you have no real idea of what it is they’re saying. And what on earth have reform voters got to do with any of this ?

😆 🤣 😂

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/05/2025 09:09

MyOliveHelper · 04/05/2025 08:20

So is your problem that you don't want to be thought of as a racist when you make an ignorant comment?

Maybe you just think of the comment as racist, and not yourself as A racist?

Again men commonly say the same thing, that they refuse to back down and admit they were or ever could be wrong because they don't want to be A sexist. It really stunts progress.

No, what stunts progress is the assumption that an ‘ism’ is the fault of the ‘perpetrator’ no matter how obscure and unintended the reference. Where you suspect you are the victim of any covert ‘ism’ it’s on you to speak out and clarify the perceived offence, to allow a response from the person you perceive to have offended you. And also to acknowledge that although you have perceived the comment or action to be offensive, in reality no offence may have been intended.

swimsong · 05/05/2025 09:17

Dontlletmedownbruce · 02/05/2025 22:40

Sorry I don't understand. What does watermelon have to do with anything? There is obviously some racial slur or context here that I don't know about. If I don't understand it then I'm sure there are others that don't either, it's obviously not a widespread racist term so it doesn't seem right to be offended by it if made innocently.

https://www.businessinsider.com/watermelon-stereotype-african-american-history-food-racism-2022-8

How the watermelon stereotype came to be weaponized against Black Americans

The harmful stereotype dates back to the 19th century when freed Black Americans became merchants and sold the fruit for profit.

https://www.businessinsider.com/watermelon-stereotype-african-american-history-food-racism-2022-8

GrouachMacbeth · 05/05/2025 09:36

So because some racists in a different country made racist comments between an innocuous healthy fruit and black people, non black.peoe must consider a racist agenda when talking about a fruit with or associated with black people.

Does this apply to bananas because some racist football hooligans have been vile about black footballers?

What about the history of Irish people and potatoes, specifically the potato famine? The use of the pomegranate by the Spanish on overthrowing Muslims in the 15th century?

Hey, apples have symbolic of women's weakness in the Garden or Eden. Oranges? Well we're back to the emerald isle - offer an orange to an Irish and you are thrusting king Billy and the battle of the boyne.

Utter rubbish.

ERthree · 05/05/2025 09:48

FFS, now a fruit is racist. Time to ban Watermelons from the shelves. As GrouachMacbeth wrote in the post above, tatties, oranges and bananas have to go as well as they are as racist as watermelon.
No wonder the world is a mess .

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/05/2025 10:27

Not looking for an argument at all. All the way through the thread you’ve been bringing up things that are entirely irrelevant, such as who fed the watermelon and whether or not the client likes the OP. You even challenged me on an assumption you thought I’d made that the person being cared for was a child, when in fact OP had mentioned a SEND setting, which is specific to children and young people, so not an assumption at all.

Despite explanations from several posters that the client and the person being cared for are two different people you’ve continued in the same vein. OP said she works with clients. It’s clear to posters here that the client is the person responsible for the person being cared for, not the person actually receiving care.

There’s no indication as to whether this is care at home or within a residential or day care setting. My guess is one of the latter from what OP has said - if that’s the case OP isn’t necessarily the only one caring for the person, but she’s clearly responsible for observing and reporting back key elements of care, including food intake. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s the one providing the food, just that she’s responsible for monitoring food intake.

There was a comment from an HCP upthread who said they had come to realise that some of their thinking was ableist. Obviously l don’t know how this came about, but l think it’s very dangerous to ignore a gut feeling, something you know to be true, or even what you know to be common sense and appropriate from experience, in favour of bending over backwards not to offend. And as a disabled person l’ve experienced the consequence of this shift in thinking. l’ve come across many ‘ism’s in my lifetime. Some clearly intended to offend, but most unintended and coming from a place that’s good, if sometimes misguided.

In more recent years l’ve noticed a shift in how l’m treated in health care settings. People tread very carefully in order not to inadvertently offend. And in several instances they have been so focused on treating me ‘just like anyone else’ that they have completely overlooked glaringly obvious elements of my condition which need attention or for which l require assistance of which they should be aware as a HCP, but which they are clearly afraid to address for fear of causing ‘offence’.

If we continue in the vein of assuming offence where none is intended, we end up having to self police everything we say and do. And in a healthcare settings this will inevitably lead to improper care. The person who is the focus in OP’s example clearly has a disability or health condition necessitating a significant care need. If all is as OP has said here then she will now think twice about what and how she reports back. One can only hope that omissions and oversights for fear of accusations of an ‘ism’ don’t impact the quality of care similarly to my own experience.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 05/05/2025 12:49

Thanks @swimsong . As OP was in UK I can't see how a racist term from another country in a different time period could be offensive.

As @GrouachMacbeth says, you could extend that to the point of ridiculousness with many food items. If every irish person became upset at the mention of the potato word where would we be? I'm sure there are many other examples.

Faithless12 · 06/05/2025 06:53

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/05/2025 09:09

No, what stunts progress is the assumption that an ‘ism’ is the fault of the ‘perpetrator’ no matter how obscure and unintended the reference. Where you suspect you are the victim of any covert ‘ism’ it’s on you to speak out and clarify the perceived offence, to allow a response from the person you perceive to have offended you. And also to acknowledge that although you have perceived the comment or action to be offensive, in reality no offence may have been intended.

Honestly that doesn’t work it often leads to faux innocence and denials that the statement is anyway linked to racism.
I would believe there is more to what was said than what the op has revealed here. It’s also disingenuous that the op states they can’t be racist because they have a black child. Unless the child is adopted the child would be mixed race and the one drop rule (American) is based on racist thinking.

blueleavesgreensky · 06/05/2025 07:12

Faithless12 · 06/05/2025 06:53

Honestly that doesn’t work it often leads to faux innocence and denials that the statement is anyway linked to racism.
I would believe there is more to what was said than what the op has revealed here. It’s also disingenuous that the op states they can’t be racist because they have a black child. Unless the child is adopted the child would be mixed race and the one drop rule (American) is based on racist thinking.

Are you saying a half black half white person who presents black can not call themselves black?
not sure that’s your call.

blueleavesgreensky · 06/05/2025 07:15

GrouachMacbeth · 05/05/2025 09:36

So because some racists in a different country made racist comments between an innocuous healthy fruit and black people, non black.peoe must consider a racist agenda when talking about a fruit with or associated with black people.

Does this apply to bananas because some racist football hooligans have been vile about black footballers?

What about the history of Irish people and potatoes, specifically the potato famine? The use of the pomegranate by the Spanish on overthrowing Muslims in the 15th century?

Hey, apples have symbolic of women's weakness in the Garden or Eden. Oranges? Well we're back to the emerald isle - offer an orange to an Irish and you are thrusting king Billy and the battle of the boyne.

Utter rubbish.

….. off to research Spanish overthrowing Muslims with pomegranates….. 🚶🏻‍♀️👩🏻‍💻

Faithless12 · 06/05/2025 07:18

blueleavesgreensky · 06/05/2025 07:12

Are you saying a half black half white person who presents black can not call themselves black?
not sure that’s your call.

They are mixed race. They themselves may wish to identify as black, generally that’ll be due to racism that they face. However, their white parent calling them black is denying a whole part of their children’s heritage and why would they do that unless they subscribe to the one drop rule.

I tried to find the article where Halle Berry explains why she identifies as black but on this article has a tweet from her that in essence why.
https://medium.com/@lauramquainoo/stunning-news-biracial-people-like-halle-berry-are-not-actually-black-344efa9ff329

Stunning News: Biracial People Like Halle Berry Are Not Actually Black?

Folks, this is why CHOSSA is so important

https://medium.com/@lauramquainoo/stunning-news-biracial-people-like-halle-berry-are-not-actually-black-344efa9ff329

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 06/05/2025 10:29

Faithless12 · 06/05/2025 06:53

Honestly that doesn’t work it often leads to faux innocence and denials that the statement is anyway linked to racism.
I would believe there is more to what was said than what the op has revealed here. It’s also disingenuous that the op states they can’t be racist because they have a black child. Unless the child is adopted the child would be mixed race and the one drop rule (American) is based on racist thinking.

How do you know the difference ? Assuming that everyone has racist intent no matter how obscure the reference, and forcing an apology from those who’ve done nothing intentionally wrong is bullying and causes resentment, so it’s counter productive. It’s not the answer. And we’re now in the position of where posters are assuming things are not as they seem because the OP is white and client is black. Isn’t that assumption racist in itself ?

And l don’t think it is disingenuous of the OP to try to demonstrate that she’s not racist. If things really are as OP describes them then she’s been accused of a racist remark with no explanation or clarification of what that was or why it’s racist. The complaint wasn’t even made directly to her - the client went to her boss, so designed to cause maximum repercussions.

Her partner and family are black. Relevant. They live in a predominantly white neighbourhood. Also relevant. OP can never experience direct racism as a black person would, but she will have experienced the racism directed at her family and probably experienced racist attitudes directed at herself as a white woman with a black family. It doesn’t mean she can’t be racist of course, but it does give her an insight into what constitutes racism. And when left wondering what she’s done or said to upset the client l think it’s only natural for her to look for something to demonstrate a non racist attitude.

TheRubyPoet · 06/05/2025 11:05

Anything you say to that person will be twisted as racist. Avoid speaking to them again. They want a fight. I would tell my manager that I'm very concerned they'll twist what I say in future and hope that they have my back if another complaint i

blueleavesgreensky · 06/05/2025 15:45

Faithless12 · 06/05/2025 07:18

They are mixed race. They themselves may wish to identify as black, generally that’ll be due to racism that they face. However, their white parent calling them black is denying a whole part of their children’s heritage and why would they do that unless they subscribe to the one drop rule.

I tried to find the article where Halle Berry explains why she identifies as black but on this article has a tweet from her that in essence why.
https://medium.com/@lauramquainoo/stunning-news-biracial-people-like-halle-berry-are-not-actually-black-344efa9ff329

So if the child who may at this point be an adult presents black and identifies as black then you are saying the parent should still refer to them as mixed race even against the adult child’s wishes?

Faithless12 · 06/05/2025 16:09

blueleavesgreensky · 06/05/2025 15:45

So if the child who may at this point be an adult presents black and identifies as black then you are saying the parent should still refer to them as mixed race even against the adult child’s wishes?

How many mixed race adults that have white parents do you know that present as black as in totally black? I’d have thought MNrs wouldn’t be so keen to engage in identity politics but then again this is about race and MN is not exactly known for being antiracist…

Faithless12 · 06/05/2025 16:11

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy honestly you can tell the difference.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 06/05/2025 19:12

Faithless12 · 06/05/2025 16:11

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy honestly you can tell the difference.

Well if OP is telling the truth, her accuser certainly couldn’t.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 06/05/2025 19:13

Faithless12 · 06/05/2025 16:09

How many mixed race adults that have white parents do you know that present as black as in totally black? I’d have thought MNrs wouldn’t be so keen to engage in identity politics but then again this is about race and MN is not exactly known for being antiracist…

But the point is how they identify surely ?

ERthree · 06/05/2025 20:05

blueleavesgreensky · 06/05/2025 15:45

So if the child who may at this point be an adult presents black and identifies as black then you are saying the parent should still refer to them as mixed race even against the adult child’s wishes?

Yes because they are mixed race. Just because we "identify" doesn't make it true.

scorpiogirly · 06/05/2025 20:09

stample · 02/05/2025 20:38

Genuinely it’s care work for SEND individuals. I gave general feedback about eating habits and mentioned they had eaten watermelon.
The client in person smiled and said ok but in the email said the individual doesn’t like watermelon and what was the carer implying

I don't know of any race that eats more watermelon than any other, neither have I heard of such. This person is a race baiting wanker in my opinion.

SharpLily · 07/05/2025 08:49

Christ on a fucking bike, this thread is awful!

OK, so I would like to know, realistically, how the OP should have avoided this problem. Should she not have said watermelon in order to avoid the risk of offense? But what then should she have said? 'Child ate some of the big, round fruit with thick green skin, pink flesh and black seeds'? Is this really what we have come to? Under these circumstances she can't do right for doing wrong.

I do know that I'm tired of being told I'm racist. (For reference I am mixed race but neither of them black).

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