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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want fiance to get rid of his cats

759 replies

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:40

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

  • Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.
  • His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)
  • I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment
  • I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

OP posts:
Frequency · 02/05/2025 11:22

Ddakji · 02/05/2025 11:20

Gosh, do you not have clean clothing in the wardrobe? Oh dear, I’m sorry.

Show quote history

Cat dander and hair tend to stick, even after washing. As I said previously, I used to be allergic to people who owned cats, even if they had just changed clothes.

Sassybooklover · 02/05/2025 11:23

You clearly much prefer dogs to cats, as you rehomed your cat upon getting your dog as a puppy. A cat is easier to dispose of than a dog in your eyes. Cat rescues are at breaking point at the moment, up to their eyes in unwanted kittens due to owners not neutering their cats, unwanted adult cats that need rehoming, cats that did have a home but are now strays and feral cats. Rehoming 2 cats especially if they are bonded (you can't separate them) is extremely hard. Rehoming via Facebook etc is a huge no - people often ask for cats with the purpose of using them for dog fighting. Sadly, even in 2025 it still goes on. You wouldn't re-home your dog, and at 6, he's not that old, he could easily have another 10 years, but you expect your fiancee to re-home his cats. Many people take antihistamines every day for pet allergies. Be honest with yourself and your partner, you don't want his cats in your home, so therefore tell him that. He then has a choice, move in with you without the cats or continue to live separately with his cats. Rehoming should be an absolute last resort.

Henry8thHoover · 02/05/2025 11:23

I would not give up my cats for anyone or anything.

Mia184 · 02/05/2025 11:24

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 10:08

Thats the plan. I cant really think of any other solution. If I dont, I will be suffering 24/7.

The last time I forgot, my throat had started to close over.

Its not fiances fault, as I hadn't been around many cats in the past and had no clue I was allergic prior to him getting them.

Show quote history

Traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) might work. My mother did it about 25 years ago - she had been suffering from really bad hayever every summer until then. TCM - a mixture of acupuncture and teas over the course of a couple of weeks - worked and the hayfever still hasn‘t returned. It is also offered for allergic rhinitis caused by cats.

MarmiteRoasties · 02/05/2025 11:25

YABVU and entitled.
You don’t sound compatible.
you also sound controlling
if anyone tried to make me get rid of my cats, I’d get rid of the person instead

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 11:25

MoominMai · 02/05/2025 11:18

OP you’re getting a lot of unwarranted heat here imo. I think it’s actually v sensible of you to consider suggesting this to your DP. From the sounds of it, you’re allergic to cats, their roaming space will be significantly limited. They are indoor cats so they may struggle to adapt to this reduced size especially as they can’t go upstairs. Also they’re used to only sharing with one person never mind a large dog, energetic child and yourself. So already there’s concerns this may not work. In which case, it’s not a bad idea to start looking now as who knows there maybe a friend, family member happy to take them on in a more suitable environment but your DP goes halves on any future vet bills etc perhaps. No need for people to get hysterical lol as all you’re doing is considering the impact of the change on the cats.

Show quote history

Yes, I think people are failing to see the points where I am actually concerned for the cats, and just focusing on the points I raised on my dog and allergies.

The cats have been used to living in a 3 bed house with a single occupant who does not make a lot of noise and get free reign of wandering around the house.

When they move in, they'll possibly be confined downstairs and sharing their space with a Rottweiler, a hyperactive child and also me and my DP.

I also cant exactly stop my child or dog going in and out the front door to play in the garden etc - they may leave a door open and suddenly the house cats are outside.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 11:26

Sassybooklover · 02/05/2025 11:23

You clearly much prefer dogs to cats, as you rehomed your cat upon getting your dog as a puppy. A cat is easier to dispose of than a dog in your eyes. Cat rescues are at breaking point at the moment, up to their eyes in unwanted kittens due to owners not neutering their cats, unwanted adult cats that need rehoming, cats that did have a home but are now strays and feral cats. Rehoming 2 cats especially if they are bonded (you can't separate them) is extremely hard. Rehoming via Facebook etc is a huge no - people often ask for cats with the purpose of using them for dog fighting. Sadly, even in 2025 it still goes on. You wouldn't re-home your dog, and at 6, he's not that old, he could easily have another 10 years, but you expect your fiancee to re-home his cats. Many people take antihistamines every day for pet allergies. Be honest with yourself and your partner, you don't want his cats in your home, so therefore tell him that. He then has a choice, move in with you without the cats or continue to live separately with his cats. Rehoming should be an absolute last resort.

I never had a cat.

I rehomed my dog from a family when she was 1 and her previous family had a cat.

OP posts:
MidoriNoRingo · 02/05/2025 11:27

I think mumsnet is the wrong place to ask. I don’t know anyone in real life who would put an animal above a human being.

Doitrightnow · 02/05/2025 11:28

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 02/05/2025 11:03

Feliway Optimum plugins help with territory issues. The Optimum version is the best by far.

Also Feliway Cystease capsules sprinkled onto their wet food helps a lot too. I know loads of people who have had a lot of success when combining the two.

Maybe give them a try :)

Show quote history

We tried the plugins to no noticeable effect. Didn't know about the food capsules though, maybe worth a try, thanks.

Callie247 · 02/05/2025 11:28

Slightly different but I had a rottweiler when I met DP. He cried when he found out and said he didn't want to have this conversation but he's not a dog person and doesn't like dogs. So I said well you've got a decision to make then haven't you because the dog isn't going anywhere. We're still together 10 years later but nothing, absolutely nothing would make me get rid of my pet. Not even a partner.

Swiftie1878 · 02/05/2025 11:28

MidoriNoRingo · 02/05/2025 11:27

I think mumsnet is the wrong place to ask. I don’t know anyone in real life who would put an animal above a human being.

@MidoriNoRingo
🙋‍♀️
It’s not putting an animal BEFORE a human being. It’s waiting until the animal won’t be adversely impacted.

Aizen · 02/05/2025 11:28

I'm a firm believer that animals don't belong in homes.

Dogs should be workers, i.e. drug detection, sheepdogs, assistance etc.

Cats should be workers, i.e. vermin catchers on farms.

My DP is from a farming background, big family and not one of them will have a pet cat or dog, they are for working not petting.

Maybe that would solve the inexorable rise in pets everywhere now. Get them working and give them an NI number quick!

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 11:29

MidoriNoRingo · 02/05/2025 11:27

I think mumsnet is the wrong place to ask. I don’t know anyone in real life who would put an animal above a human being.

People seem to be thinking I am being unnecessarily cruel about the cats, but the cats will be in a massive change of environment also. Ever notice in rehoming ads, they'll specify environments each animal should be rehomed to?

I dont want to cause additional stress to the cats either. My house is a lot noisier and chaotic than they are currently used to.

OP posts:
Horticula · 02/05/2025 11:30

Poor poor cats, suddenly having to live with a Rottweiler and a child. I disagree with cats being house cats, but if they are it's going to be even harder for them. It's dreadful for either you or your partner to suggest rehoming them just for your convenience. The kindest thing would be to delay moving in together until your dog has died which you say is likely to be only a couple of years.

Swiftie1878 · 02/05/2025 11:31

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 11:29

People seem to be thinking I am being unnecessarily cruel about the cats, but the cats will be in a massive change of environment also. Ever notice in rehoming ads, they'll specify environments each animal should be rehomed to?

I dont want to cause additional stress to the cats either. My house is a lot noisier and chaotic than they are currently used to.

Show quote history

That’s why you should delay moving in together.

GeorgianaM · 02/05/2025 11:32

'and he got his 2 cats at a stage where we were talking about moving in together in the future. He got them knowing this may be a situation further down the line, but didn't really think about the repercussions back then'

He was t really that into you then and isn't into you now.

The relationship is not rock solid and he's just going along with the flow.

If you forced him to get rid of his cats he will always hold a deep resentment which he may use ago at you in arguments or even in his behaviour to get back at you.

finallyskinny · 02/05/2025 11:32

I have dogs and cats and I would rather re home my husband than my animals! maybe you need to just break up if you can't accept his cats!

Tarzofpan12 · 02/05/2025 11:33

It seems like you're just wanting him to slot into your life without disruption. It isn't all you and your house when you decide to live together. A 3 bedroom house is ample space to have 2 cats and a dog people have cats in less space than that. They do seem like excuses, why discuss living together if he's going to have to make these Sacrifices whilst you do nothing.

Abracadabra12345 · 02/05/2025 11:34

@DisappearingGirl Cats need somewhere they can "escape" to if they want some quiet

I knew I was a cat in a previous life

JustSawJohnny · 02/05/2025 11:35

I wouldn't get rid of my cat for anyone. Especially a relationship.

I just wouldn't live together.

I'd also be utterly disgusted by a man who was prepared to get rid of a pet for me.

It's just horrible person vibes.

Hard nope.

BangersAndGnash · 02/05/2025 11:35

I couldn't live with cats, being allergic, it just isn't comfortable, even with anti-histamines.

Do you know whether your Dc is allergic to cats? My Dc is so I wonder whether there is an inherited potential for cat allergy..

The two of you between you have practical challenges wrt moving in together.

Don't make it a battle of 'who is more selfish' or 'who is more unreasonable' or 'cats v dogs'....you intend to live together and eventually marry - solve problems together. It may be that now is not the right time to move in together.

JengaCupboard · 02/05/2025 11:36

I'm not sure you can ask him to do that - and equally I would be concerned as to the sort of person he was if he agreed to be honest...

I say this as a 100% 'dog person'. Flame me, but I don't care about cats; I had family cats historically and I can't even remember some of their names. That is not to say that I would give them away on somebody else's say so however.

Anyone who thinks re-homing a 6 year old Rotty is the same as re-homing two cats has no clue, cats would certainly be easier, but wouldn't make it right...

hydriotaphia · 02/05/2025 11:37

My mind is actually blown by the number of people voting YABU! It seems to me that this situation obviously won’t work - how can the OP possibly invite indoor cats into her home when (1) she is allergic and (2) she had a dog who likely won’t cope with them. It just can’t happen. So the choices are either the fiancé comes without the cats or he doesn’t come at all. Given that they are planning to spend their lives together OF COURSE there is absolutely nothing wrong with suggesting to the fiancé that he re-home them. It would be weird not to have this conversation given that the likely alternative is basically splitting up. This poll really cements my view that people just come on mumsnet for the opportunity to berate others.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 02/05/2025 11:38

MidoriNoRingo · 02/05/2025 11:27

I think mumsnet is the wrong place to ask. I don’t know anyone in real life who would put an animal above a human being.

It's not about the animal Vs the human being. It's about one human being's animals and another human being's animals.

They're moving in together for the first time, haven't lived together, OP has an SEN child (no mention if they will have more themselves), and her partner wants a gaming room when OP works from home. Oh, plus a rotweiller.

As someone with a cat in a terraced house, and a toddler, and both WFH, I know that this is a squeeze, and we have lived together in various places for the past 15 years.

It's not a good idea at all to start out living together in such constrained circumstances, IMO.

I think they need a better housing option and to live together a solid amount of time before getting married, and that's before you even think about the pets. (TBH, the rotweiller might be gone by the time they marry)

Frequency · 02/05/2025 11:39

Cats are more adaptable than most people believe. Ours came from a similar environment as your DP's currently live in to a house with a rottweiler cross, two chihuahuas, and three people. They were unhappy at first, hiding under beds and only coming out when DD2 was on her own, but after a day or two, they got braver and ventured out more and more. They seem quite settled now. Ours also lost their person the day they moved. With yours, you DP will be moving with them.

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