To want fiance to get rid of his cats

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

• Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.

• His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)

• I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment

• I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

Do you live on a main road? If not I think it would be good once the cats are settled to let them outside.

Start going to his house and taking your dog. It will be chaos at first but they will get to know each other.

When he does move in again be patient. I installed some temporary child gates and any worked wonders as the cat had safe space.

End result they live happy together, took some time! My rotty went from wanting to play with the cat to being scared of it at any point in time!

and take antihistamine!

Just to put it out there, when discussing all this situation, my DP was the FIRST one to bring up potentially rehoming them if it didnt work out, NOT me.

I'm puzzled that the pets don't seem to have met yet.There's lots of advance planning you could be doing if you want this situation to work.

How does your child feel about a couple of cats and a man moving into her/his home? Specially if the cats will make Mummy feel unwell.

His/her views don't seem to get a mention.

Well, there are washing machines. They might not be cats who are handled much (none of ours are/have been). They might not shed much.

But carry on frothing.

I know for a fact my rottie will be a big wimp and hiding from the cats!

They are big but very gentle dogs that think they're the size of a chihuahua!

Fexo used to be prescription only but is now available widely as Allevia. Cheaper to get it on prescription though if needed throughout the summer.

Because he is moving into HER home and she is allergic to cat’s

You're allergic to the cats, so they have no place in your home. It's too much to expect most Mumsnetters to understand that, but surely your own fiance should prioritise your health?

This!
When I met my husband I came with 3 dogs and 2 horses all were non negotiable and it would never have worked if he had said no to any of them.

DS is excited. He regularly sees the cats and they get on very well. His bedroom is also being upgraded to a bigger one and being decorated again, so he is looking forward to this.

DS's dad has recently bought a new house with his DP of 3 years, and he has adapted well to this.

I think if you are allergic then it would be a nightmare to move in two house cats to be honest. Sadly if you want to live with you he will have to rehome them. Has he got any family members who can take them on and give them a nice home?

I think YANBU as you’re allergic to cats. If you were not allergic I would’ve thought YABU.

Hes been with the cats almost as long as with you and the cats are dependents of him that he choose and loves you are just the woman hes dating whose throwing demands... I would be careful about giving ultimatum, you might just find yourself losing.

You request is pretty shitty to be honest. Why on earth do you think your dog is more special than his cats?

You want him to, move in with you and your child and your pet into your families home where he has zero security (lets face it you are making it clear its YOUR home) so you can save more of HIS money for your wedding (because lets face it 90% of men would be happy to do the bare minimum of signing the paper then just a few pints in the pub)... whats actually in all of this for him? It sound like you benefit from everything.

I also wouldn't be moving a man I had only been with less than 3 years in with my vulnerable child.

YANBU

Rehome the cats. They would probably be happier to be rehomed now. If you weren't allergic, I'd suggest trying it with everyone together.

Moving in together sounds like a bad idea to me. It sounds like he takes very good care of the cats so I can imagine doesn't want to part with them. You won't be happy living with animals you are allergic to but surely he will resent you if he has to rehome his pets. You are also assuming they will be easy to rehome; shelters are full of adult cats and it will be difficult especially if he wants them to go to a new home together and them he has no guarantee they will stay together.

You need to let him know before he moves in that this is a deal breaker. It’s not fair to tell him they you’re going to “try” for him to give up his home and then be forced to give up his cats.

This. Tell him before he gives up the lease.

When you introduce your dog, do it either in the cat's home or on neutral grounds.

Start with the dog on a leash and the cats confined in a carrier or crate so the dog can hear or smell them but cannot get to them. Treat the dog for behaving calmly around the cats. Once he is always calm, only treat him when he ignores the cats. Once he is ignoring them consistently, let the cats out but keep them occupied so they don't approach the dog and again treat the dog for ignoring them.

Start slowly like that, and you won't have an issue.

We had a rottweiler cross when we took in DH's cats. He adores them, but they're not so keen on him on account of how excitable he is, so they tend to stay out of his way in rooms he is not allowed into. I would give the cats a dog-free room to escape to.

We didn't have the option to do slow introductions. The cats came here very suddenly and no one had the headspace to attempt training them at the time, but things worked out; the cats chose their own space, and we keep the dog away.

Rotties are generally gentle and affable, so you should be fine.

Can either of you discuss this with someone with expert knowledge of cats and dogs who can look at this as the best interests of all the animals without sentimentality? Otherwise it becomes a conversation about your pet vs his pets. You then risk a compromise that sounds fair (eg trial run) that may be in none of the animals' interests if it means that the cats are moved twice and at least one move is stressful for them. I've had quite a few cats over the years and so have friends and family and, despite what a couple of posters have said and what cat owners want to believe, I've never seen much evidence of real attachment on their part, apart from for Siamese cats. Sure, other cats can run to you and be affectionate but it's usually when they want something - food, stroking - and they prefer some people over others. However they can adapt to different strokers/feeders but they do get distressed around territorial moves. In the wild, cats don't form the pack bonds that dogs do, but are strongly territorial. Therefore I think it does make sense for the cats to be rehomed now, rather than risk rehoming twice, but I'm not sure you're the best person to point this out to him.

The other thing to seek factual advice on is the potential long term effects of daily antihistamine. If there's a good chance you would no longer need it after a few months then that's important info that might suggest you can all adapt to living together. If you might later develop side effects/ intolerance to anti-histamine, then don't move the cats in and then out again.

Ah yes. I can absolutely see that he must strip off and wash all his clothing immediately if he goes round OPs, silly me 😅

I'm not frothing at all - but great job on a trying to pin that one on me 😄

OP you’re getting a lot of unwarranted heat here imo. I think it’s actually v sensible of you to consider suggesting this to your DP. From the sounds of it, you’re allergic to cats, their roaming space will be significantly limited. They are indoor cats so they may struggle to adapt to this reduced size especially as they can’t go upstairs. Also they’re used to only sharing with one person never mind a large dog, energetic child and yourself. So already there’s concerns this may not work. In which case, it’s not a bad idea to start looking now as who knows there maybe a friend, family member happy to take them on in a more suitable environment but your DP goes halves on any future vet bills etc perhaps. No need for people to get hysterical lol as all you’re doing is considering the impact of the change on the cats.

Gosh, do you not have clean clothing in the wardrobe? Oh dear, I’m sorry.

Thats great to hear it worked out so well

I think we will need to rethink about giving the cats a safe space somewhere in the house.

Realistically your partner can't move in with you. Two cats, a dog, two adults working from home and an autistic child all in a 3-bed terrace, one adult is allergic to the cats, the cats can't go upstairs or outdoors? And a gaming room!

Haven't your family told you how unworkable this is? Do either have you have autism yourselves? Neither of you sound grounded.

You need separate living space.