To want fiance to get rid of his cats

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

• Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.

• His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)

• I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment

• I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

Hi - one thing pos worth trying is a new cat food from Purina - it's probably expensive but it's designed to neutralise the allergen in pet dander.. if it works you may be able to be around them with no reaction in less than a month. I also wasn't sure from your post whether the cats are used to sleeping with your fiance or they're kept outside of the bedroom anyway? I have cats and the only reason I'd consider rehoming them is if circumstances changed and it would give them a better life. If you two are determined to live together and they're going to be kept inside, not allowed upstairs and potentially scared by a dog/lively child then it might be the better option for them, but it's not really fair.

asking your partner to rehome his Dcats is not on and that would be a no from me and probably the end of the relationship. Also living with someone who has an entire room of his own for gaming would be a no from me too and the end of the relationship. Your life sounds busy and complex enough already with your DC with ASC and a Ddog in, as you describe, a small house.

No, of course not. Plenty of people get engaged before moving in together. It used to be the norm many years ago.

No of course I wouldn’t. Read the OP! He got the cats 2 years ago and prior to her even knowing she was allergic or even if they would move in together to that house. You’re just making stuff up that hasn’t even been said.

This is why I suspect something else is setting her allergy off…. The cat hair with be on him when he visits hers, so she should be having some sort of reaction now before the cats move…

if it’s worse for her when she is visiting his, it could be something to do with his house keeping (ie not airing the house properly or mould issues or just a combination of cat/mould/dampness/un aired house).

Why are you even still here quibbling about schematics? You don't want the cats at yours. You've made that very clear. Just get them re-homed together, to someone who actually wants them. It's not worth the cats being miserable because you'll just resent them anyway.

These comments… 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

You asked for advice, so here it is 🤷🏼‍♀️

1. You said your child is ADHD, but I haven’t seen their age posted? Regardless, your child, ADHD or not, can be taught boundaries. Just as you taught your child to respect your dogs space, so too can you teach them to respect the cats.
2. You are allergic. So although you can’t prevent them from going upstairs, you can keep all the bedroom doors closed so they can only chill on the landing.
3. Invest in air purifiers! One for upstairs, and one for downstairs- these will make a huge difference!
4. Take antihistamines every day but with air purifiers, you may not need to.
5. Invest in a CATIO!!! You can have absolutely gorgeous ones built btw, attached to the house that they access through a window or cat flap, so they can have plenty of space that your dog or child can’t intrude upon. They’re custom made with loads of levels for climbing and jumping, cosy beds and waterproof so they’re completely dry and safe. Obviously they can’t live in it full time but the difference a couple of hours a day would make to you would be huge.

Marriage is uniting two families. It’s also about compromise. There are so many things you could do (as listed above) to make it work - it’s just whether or not you really want to x

Do you have room outside to create a catio, where the cats could spend some time during the day?

This is a slightly more valid reason for rehoming an animal — when they are unhappy. You also took the responsibility to find the cat a loving home within your family. Not the same thing as ‘getting rid’ of an inconvenient pet or two.

If he'd bin off his cats he'd bin off you. Your test isn't what you think it is.

Also, if you move in and live with those cats you won't be allergic to them. You get used to them and they cause you no issues allergy wise.

I’m allergic to cats, the very thought of having an animal pooping in a box in the house makes me ill, cats walking over counter tops makes my skin crawl. However, I would never in a million years ask anyone to rehome their animals for my benefit.

Animals don’t have long lives, I’d tolerate and embrace it all if I genuinely wanted that relationship to work. Think of what he’s happily taking on by moving in with you before you challenge him about two little cats.

I don't FEEL you are unreasonable! I think people are completely missing the fact YOU ARE ALLERGIC!!

This isn't going to work. At all. Rethink everything.

If he was allergic to your dog, would you rehome your dog?

My first husband was allergic to cats, something we did not know before we got a cat. He managed it with medication and after about a month he no longer had any severe reaction to the cat. It is entirely possible she will become more tolerant to the cats over time.

It doesn't matter though, this isn't about allergies. They are planning to cram five living beings into a space which would suit 2 or perhaps 3 at most and they all have conflicting needs and wants.

It is not going to work.

I am going to agree with this. Some pet allergies are horendous even with taking antihistamines.

She hasn't tried living with the cats, so has no idea really. It's just not a tenable situation, regardless, her allergies strike me as an attempt to win the argument over who keeps their pets.

OP, I think had you stated in the original.post that uour PARTNER had suggested rehousing you wouldn't be getting as much stick over this.

As a PP has said try it, you might all be pleasantly surprised and everyone may get on x

It's a hard situation to face. I had friends who had to rehome their 2 cats because one of their DC (who came after the cats) was highly allergic causing asthma symptoms.

I was allergic to most pets including birds, cats dogs etc. We now have a dog without any issues, cats I get a scratchy throat, sore eyes but easily controlled with an antihistamine.

Your post speaks of "getting rid" of the cats. Thats not a good vibe.

Yes, the title gave away a bit more than she intended, methinks.

Again, you are trying to jam 5 living beings into a small home and all have conflicting needs and wants.

This will not work. My best advice is do NOT do this.

trust me, living apart is a far better arrangement., I don't favour cats. From my experience, bringing dead birds in the house, scratching around in litter then walking over food preparation areas.

Whereas I find dogs loud and invasive and dirty and smelly as well as being super needy - but I still understand that others love them.

It's really not a cat vs dog issue, it's a reality vs two humans who want to get their own way issue.

This thread has been weird.

First OP says she has to ask her partner to get rid of the cats, and then said it was his idea to possibly rehome them (if so, why is there a thread at all?).

Then it's "I can't get rid of my dog as it's on the last few years of its life!" turning to "its the runt of the litter so we may have way more years with the dog!"

OP can't decide what her situation is... Either that, or she's doing a terrible job of covering up that she just wants rid of the cats and isn't being very caring about it.

OP, I would leave a partner before getting rid of the pets.

To be fair, I'd leave a partner if the only way of moving forward with them would be making the cats live in an environment where they were miserable - and I agree, a small house with a big dog they are terrified of sounds horrible for them.

Sounds like your partner will rehome the cats for you and your relationship though, so that's that and I'm unsure why there's a thread about it in the first place. It's a non-issue if he's the one that agrees with you.

Yes he should due to your allergies

why would you get TWO cats when your future spouse is allergic 🙄