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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want fiance to get rid of his cats

759 replies

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:40

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

  • Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.
  • His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)
  • I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment
  • I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

OP posts:
tierdytierd · 04/05/2025 07:41

I have been in your situation! I too am/was allergic to cats (I’m talking swollen streaming eyes, swollen lips, sneezing the lot!) I also had my dog, my partner his 2 cats. He tried his hardest for me to re home my dog, until I put the same to him about his cats! Neither of us compromised on that.
we moved into his house. We couldn’t have no pets upstairs’ ‘rule’ it simply wouldn’t have worked. The cats were free to come and go as they pleased (they weren’t house cats) we kept them separate. Whilst we’re at work the cats had the utility room and a cat flap my dog in the house. At home we swapped them so dog could go out and lots of walks.
my allergy which I thought would quite seriously do me in, if I wasn’t careful, actually improved. I fussed them and spent time with them and kept my hands clean, didn’t touch my face etc, I wouldn’t let the cats in our room , took a year or so but it actually improved a lot. Still about sneezy and I think if I fussed cats now I’d react abit, but simply because im
not around cat very often now (the ex & I split)
I think you’d be unreasonable to ask him to ditch the cats. & vice verse. You may need to relax your approach re pets upstairs a little maybe even just in his gaming room and he needs to get them used to being outside, even if it’s a cat run… but likely will be a lot better outcome than you think

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 07:44

cardboardvillage · 04/05/2025 07:30

Yes he should due to your allergies

why would you get TWO cats when your future spouse is allergic 🙄

Unless they got engaged one year into the relationship he was just her boyfriend. They've been together three years, this was two years ago.

And he didn't find out until after he bought them that she was allergic to his cats. She states that in her original post which she states she wants him to "get rid of his cats".

Obviously, he can't just "get rid" of his cats and if he could he'd be a psychopath. So, I guess they will have to find a solution that suits all the living creatures in the scenario, not just her.

HeyThereDelila · 04/05/2025 07:46

The only fair suggestion is to both rehome your pets. If you’re allergic to cats and he keeps them then you can’t feasibly live together - but it’s a hell of a lot to demand of someone else.

I wouldn’t give up my pets.

TattyBluebell · 04/05/2025 08:01

I had a partner once who, after a few months into the relationship, asked me to choose between him and my pets.
I'm sat here now with a cat and dog curled up on my lap, and partner is an ex-partner!

Codlingmoths · 04/05/2025 08:01

Potbear · 02/05/2025 10:06

Why would you get rid of your office for a gaming room?

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Yes, why on earth would you get rid of your office so he can have a gaming room?? That would be a total dealbreaker for me. Office so I can work every single time over partners hobby??

MamaLenny · 04/05/2025 08:18

If you do rehome I would try to find a family directly, rather than giving the cats to a shelter.

GodDamnItFML · 04/05/2025 08:24

This is a disaster in the making as I’d imagine he’s grown quite fond of the cats BUT it’s not about who’s pets take precedence the big factor many of the previous commenter are ignoring are your allergies.

Folks don’t realise how debilitating allergies can be!!

MarvellousMonsters · 04/05/2025 08:39

”I want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)”

Yeah good luck training cats to not go upstairs! You can use baby gates to keep dogs in certain areas of the house, but cats will just jump over/through them, so I don’t know how you think you can enforce that. Quite honestly the only really fair solution to this is to allow the cats to live upstairs and the dog to stay downstairs. That way the cats can get peace & quiet if they want it. Introduce the cats to the dog carefully, and teach your child not to pester the cats. Give them safe spaces like cat trees and nest beds and take an antihistamine every day.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 04/05/2025 08:39

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 10:02

Yes, he has planned all our wedding, got his venue of choice in his hometown which is quite a bit away from my family (we are splitting cost 50/50)

He has got his choice of providers when he are combining bills in the future (he wanted particular wifi, electric, tv companies for his PC requirements which are a lot pricier than I pay atm) and a room in my 3 bed cleared out and waiting for him for his gaming room (which I had to vacate my office for!)

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You've cleared out your office so that he can have a gaming room? Why would you do that? Why move in together at all, given the cat issues, particularly as you're allergic to them. I think you're setting yourself up for a miserable time.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 08:41

I think the allergy means yes he should rehome them if he loves you and wants to live with you more than he loves and wants to live with his cats. Yanbu to ask him to choose. But you shouldn't this out before planning a wedding.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 08:42

ChickenBananas · 02/05/2025 09:54

Why is your dog more important

Because he's not allergic to her dog

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 08:45

Omg I wouldn't give up my office for someone's gaming room! Can't two computers go there as presumably he won't be gaming in the working day?

Magentaflies · 04/05/2025 08:46

You can’t live with an animal you are allergic too.

If he can’t understand this, you need to end the relationship.

It’s a massive red flag that he is expecting you to do this. Think what it says about how he really views you. He will always put what he wants before you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 08:48

slashlover · 02/05/2025 10:09

I will try to make it work in my home with his cats

This says everything, calling it YOUR home and HIS cats.

It belongs to her

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 08:49

Booboobagins · 03/05/2025 22:47

Shes not allergic to her dog. Shes allergic to the cats!

@ellie09 I am allergic to cats. We rehoused my BFs cats after 6m. I'm left with asthma. Please do not marginalise your allergies. This type of allergy is a type 1 allergy. Google what that means.

I know our pets are our family. Your blended family (people and pets) is not compatible. Im so sorry but the cats need to be removed. If anything family member could take them at least he will still see them.

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Or, the OP needs to be 'removed' from her partner's life. Or, they live separately. No need for the cats to be 'rehomed' at all.

Sorry but there was no need for your BF to rehome his own cats, they come first. He should have lived separately until the cats died. You don't just dump your animals for some current girlfriend, a relationship that most likely won't last anyway.

Perhapsanothertime · 04/05/2025 08:50

catsand · 02/05/2025 09:51

I would have rehomed DH before rehoming my cat if he couldn’t adapt to living with her

I was going to say the bloke clearly needs to rehome his fiancée! 🤣

OP this sounds very demanding and controlling. You’re meant to be a partnership, not just mould him and make him do what you want him to so that he slots nicely into your life.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 08:54

An outdoor cattery or summer/outhouse witb heating in the winter is an expensive but potential solution

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 08:54

Trishafeminisha · 03/05/2025 23:03

Not unreasonable at all. You’re allergic and having to medicate around cats. It’s not a cat v dog argument. It’s a health issue. Hard situation for you both. Good luck.

It is unreasonable. Pets are for life, not until you meet a current girlfriend. He should live separately until the cats have passed. That would be the only fair solution other than admitting they are not compatible and splitting up. The cats come first.

Booboobagins · 04/05/2025 08:59

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 08:49

Or, the OP needs to be 'removed' from her partner's life. Or, they live separately. No need for the cats to be 'rehomed' at all.

Sorry but there was no need for your BF to rehome his own cats, they come first. He should have lived separately until the cats died. You don't just dump your animals for some current girlfriend, a relationship that most likely won't last anyway.

Edited
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You obviously live in a different world to me. We married 6m later and started a family a few months later. How could living apart work? Seriously! The cats btw went to a family member so he saw them regularly.

We then had dogs which i am not allergic to.

Btw using your very flawed logic, if one of our kids developed an allergy to the cats who I put my kid in care cos the cats came first?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 09:00

TheAmusedQuail · 02/05/2025 10:59

Unreasonable. They are his family. They were there first.

No op was there first she's said

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 09:01

Loutina · 03/05/2025 23:26

Would you also deliberately get 2 cats when you knew you were soon to be moving in with your allergic, doberman-owning, unsuitable-house-owning fiancée?? Shame on you if you would, that's so irresponsible, entitled, and totally unable to compromise.

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I doubt she was his fiance back then. OP even says they weren't even sure of the relationship then or if they were going to move in together.

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 09:04

Poppyseeds79 · 04/05/2025 00:01

Why are you even still here quibbling about schematics? You don't want the cats at yours. You've made that very clear. Just get them re-homed together, to someone who actually wants them. It's not worth the cats being miserable because you'll just resent them anyway.

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Or, she just doesn't have him move in with her.

Simple.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 04/05/2025 09:14

He was the one brought it up to me.

Which is exactly why you shouldn't more in with him. He's irresponsible.

He took on the responsibility for those cats and then when they became inconvenient he proposed getting rid of them. He knew you were going to move in together, he knew this situation could arise but he wanted cats so he didn't care about the consequences for you. or for the cats, later on. He's made a mess and now everyone else has to suffer the consequences. He creates problems for other people to solve.

He will do similar things again. He shouldn't be living with you, or your dog, or most especially your child.

Magentaflies · 04/05/2025 09:15

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 08:49

Or, the OP needs to be 'removed' from her partner's life. Or, they live separately. No need for the cats to be 'rehomed' at all.

Sorry but there was no need for your BF to rehome his own cats, they come first. He should have lived separately until the cats died. You don't just dump your animals for some current girlfriend, a relationship that most likely won't last anyway.

Edited
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OP, Mumsnet is no place to ask a question like this. There are a lot of lonely people here who are fanatical about pets and prize them over people.

Back in the real world, people do rehome animals where necessary, a dog that hasn’t adapted to a baby, a cat when moving to a care home, a cat the person you are going to marry is allergic too…

These are all solid reasons to rehome pets. The cats will be fine in new homes.

However, if he values his cats over you, don’t marry him.

XxSideshowAuntSallyx · 04/05/2025 09:22

I'm shocked (actually I'm not because it's the way people are) at the amount of people who see cats as disposable and get rid of them just like that. People need to think long and hard before getting a cat, they aren't and should never be an easy thing to get rid of.

Rescues are full of cats who people have decided they can't be bothered with, or a new child or girlfriend has come along and now the cat is an unwanted hassle. Rescues do a good job but it is traumatic for the animals. Also many rescues are not taking on pets peope don't want as they don't have the space, a lot of pets got in lockdown have ended up being rehomed.

I say this as the proud slave owner to two rescue cats.

The OP has changed her story continuously over this thread. And when she doesn't get the support she wanted she's now dropped in that he has arranged the wedding, she's giving up her office for his gaming room, and it was his idea to rehome them.