To want fiance to get rid of his cats

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

• Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.

• His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)

• I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment

• I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

I'm not sure rehoming his cats would be the best start to a marriage. He seems happy to accept your dog and disabled child. I think asking him to re-home his cats would cause resentment even if you are allergic. I guess he may have to choose between you or the cats in the long term but that's his choice to make, not yours.

I’m shocked you even want to suggest this to your fiancé. You know you wouldn’t rehome your dog but expect him to do that with his cats. I can’t help but think this relationship isn’t going to work if you’re ok with pressuring him to make that sacrifice

Perhaps just wait the two or three years out while your dog enjoys the rest of her life.

Would your dog be as protective of the children as this?

https://www.facebook.com/watch?v=1858506624992138

While I understand you POV re. allergies and dog, I would sooner rehome my husband than my cat. It honestly would have been a dealbreaker if he didn't want cat and nothing could make me want a dog. As for keeping the cats off beds, good luck, my cat goes wherever she damn well pleases and has claimed the guest bed as hers. No cat bed for this one, nope, she wants her own double bed in her own room

He didn't know

you need to not move in together clearly. You cannot live with cats anyhow

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Dog aside, I don't think it's good for your health to continually take Antihistamine tablets. He really should have re homed them as soon as he realised you were allergic considering you were discussing plans to live together in the future.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be live to potential issues ahead of moving in together but I do think you're being completely unreasonable to think that rehoming the cats is anywhere near the top of the list of potential solutions.

Cats are not disposable when they become mildly inconvenient; they're living creatures and shelters are full to bursting with cats as people fail to realise this and expect charities to pick up the pieces when the pet is no longer convenient.

Even with an allergy, there are lots of options (various allergy treatments; air filters etc.) And with your child: this is a great opportunity to reinforce messages around respecting and being kind to all animals.

My other half is very allergic but antihistamines to start with, then his body just seems to have got used to them. Have you room for a catio at yours? Honestly, I hope he doesn't rehome them and stays where he is. I sense you aren't keen on those cats and using allergy as an excuse to get rid and to be frank, you sound like a very selfish person.

Rotties don't live as long, usually about 9 years.

She is allergic to them

I wouldn’t rehome my cats for anyone.
That said, neither of you have considered the long term commitments of getting animals.
Getting kittens is (hopefully) a 15 years + commitment, did that not cross his mind or yours enough to mention it to him.
consider other options such as getting a catio for the cats so they can have some outside space away from child and dog, or moving in together.
seems like he’s being asked to make sacrifices as he’s moving in with you, would you rehome your dog if it was the other way round.

Get a dog trainer in to show you how to teach cats and dog to live together.
It will take a few months but it is not an uncommon problem for trainers. Talk to them Before you move in together.
if necessary you could get a cat cabin for the garden for when you are not there.

Take shares out in an Anti histamine company.

I wouldn't re-home my cats for a man so I wouldn't expect someone to do it for me.

I rehomed my much loved cat because once our dc turned up it became clear she was unhappy living in a house with young children. She was showing lots of signs of stress. She went to live with my MIL who kindly took her in and showered her with lots of love and she is much happier in a quiet predictable house with only two adults. All of her symptoms resolved overnight. We visit her still all the time and she still shows me lots of affection when I see her but it’s clear everyone is better off. I don’t get this idea that it’s evil to rehome a cat if they’ll be better off that way! There are lots of people online looking to rehome well-socialised animals including lonely older people who can provide ideal homes for cats, who mostly like quiet and routine. Some of these posts are just ridiculous!

Well, I can't even see why you two are together, this is going to be a terrifying experience for innocent animals who have done nothing wrong AND were there before you!

How did he know she was allergic to cats when the OP herself didn’t know this?

They WEREN'T there before OP. That's the whole point.

I don’t think you’re compatible. I don’t think what you are suggesting is reasonable despite it saving you money to move him in. I would see you as a huge red flag.
All the excuses and the strictness about animals not going upstairs doesn’t sound very loving. Plus your comment about your 6 year old dog being at the end of his life tells me you’re just not an animal person. I say don’t move in together. Go your separate ways

That's absolutely fine. You don't need tons of space. You just need boundaries and training and activity.

Your GP will be unlikely to give you stronger antihistamines. They aren’t really a thing. They’ve stopped even prescribing them for kids who usually get them for free. Even my steroid nasal spray that was on prescription they won’t give now. Basically having spoken to a friend who is a GP and allergy specialist an allergy clinic would likely to up your dose of antihistamines. The dose on the box is very conservative and can be increased substantially. Some GPs won’t officially temp you this though. You could ask for a referral to allergy specialist if it remains an issue. The one antihistamine that used to be prescription only is fexofenadine but you can now buy that in many places and I’ve noticed a cheaper generic version out this year which I hadn’t seen previously. Lots have changed to this and got a better relief than their usual.

My DD has animal allergies (as do I) and her hubby is horse rising (she’s tried loads and this is the only one that’s stuck) but she’s allergic. She also has hayfever so doubly hit in the summer. We saw the GP as her allergies were causing nose bleeds. He basically said that we could either increase antihistamine dose or try an asthma medication which isn’t recommended long term but worth a try short term to help stop the nose bleeds. She was on it for about 6 months and her nose bleeds have really calmed down. But her allergies haven’t. She doesn’t take it anymore as I wasn’t keen on the side effect but I’ve a friend with life threatening lung problems and allergies who does take it long term.

I struggle with cats. Even with antihistamines I still struggle. I have a friend who has cats and when I meet her for coffee out in a cafe I can often feel my throat starting to itch and need an antihistamine.

Yes, this. 14-15 years for the average rottie would be shocking.

Yanbu - he will be living rent free, you have a dog and allergies - the allergies alone are enough imo

If you weren’t allergic I would say YABU

But you can’t live in a house with two animals that make your throat close up! That’s madness in my opinion and I’d say it’s up to your DP to either rehome them or keep living separately.

Also, lot of ignorance on this thread about Rotties - they make excellent family pets when well trained and socialised. In my experience, it’s those with smaller breeds that are the most irresponsible owners.

Yes this is what I was trying to say. Everything else you can work around but not the allergies. That’s going to be horrific for you OP.