To want fiance to get rid of his cats

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

• Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.

• His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)

• I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment

• I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

Bloody hell - can not believe the hard time you are getting! First of all, he got cats even though you were (nearly) engaged and had a dog plus you turned out to be allergic to them! If your child was allergic everybody would be telling you he should rehome the cats yesterday. Being from an atopic family, I know it is no less serious that it is you that has the allergy. You also have a child with additional needs so if you are unwell and/or the animals fight it will be a nightmare. Of course he should rehome the cats!

I have severe allergies. To everything. Think EpiPen if I look at water type of thing. I’m on 6 antihistamines a day and an immunosuppressant. I have asthma and eczema. I wanted a dog. I told my partner I would need a hypoallergenic dog. My partner got me a dog for my birthday. It is not hypoallergenic. Have I suffered? Yes. But it is manageable. Extra hoovering, sweeping, bathing him etc to limit the amount of hair and skin that I come into contact with. I can’t cuddle him really and we need to wash every fabric he touches.

many people can live with a pet allergy you have to make adjustments. You can tell your partner what will need to be done daily/weekly so you’re more comfortable. It’s hard work and I do get frustrated sometimes, but my partner loves him so much so I don’t want to be the reason we rehome him. So I just have to get on with it and take many more meds (nasal sprays and more inhalers).

So if you take the allergies out of the question what is left apart from you don’t want him to bring his cats? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think he needs to move on and find someone less selfish, who has a heart and loves cats! Just my opinion!

Need to buy a place together. Him moving in to 'your' home never a good idea as will always be your home, he may feel never his

ERROR: Cannot merge lifestyles.

Looks to me like you'd both be better living seperately at least for the time being, or at worst seperating if you cannot make the relationship work under these terms.

We have 4 dogs and 3 cats. They largely ignore each other but have been togather for years. Dogs and cats can settle together. That said, our cats go outside and they are allowed upstairs whereas the dogs aren’t so they have quiet spaces if they want it. Could his cats be allowed outside? I think living in the new house would be very stressful for them if not.

YABU this is so depressing. His cats have less value than your dog? Personally I wouldn’t be getting involved with anyone if their pets weren’t compatible with mine 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would never expect anyone to give up their pet to live with me, I wouldn’t respect them for it either, I’d try to make it work, or go our separate ways. Maybe some sort of Catio the cats can access from the house to retreat to

You work from home but had to clear out of your office so that he could have a gaming room.
It's a rent free house. hmm.

That aside I think you have reasonable grounds to ask him to consider rehoming the cats. He got them knowing you would both want to live together and that you are allergic to cats. He's had them for two years, as opposed to five years. He's moving into your home, which happens to be rent free.
He's already insisted on higher utilities bills to accommodate his gaming.
The house is too small for 3 animals. etc.

No one wants to rehome pets.. but sometimes the situation is tricky and one has to think what is the best for both the owners and the pets.. After a few weeks of continuous allergy... would you start to resent them.

Is there a third way... given that you eventually plan to buy a house together - does he have a family member/friend who would be willing to have the cats until you do, so that he could keep in touch with them and eventually have them back?

Honestly, this sort of post really grinds my gears (and I say that as very much a dog lover).

This has nothing to do with whether you're allergic to them or not. Your dog does not trump his cats. You either take antihistamines, which is no hardship, or you come up with a compromise. You can't assume that as you had the dog first, that takes precedent because that's just not fair.

Re-home the cats, they would be much better off in a home where they were loved and wanted. Having said this if I was your partner, faced with this ultimatum I would choose the cats every time.
This is a recipe for disaster which is best avoided and I say this as someone who adores my dog and my cats and would never re-home either.

Perhaps you should consider rehoming your dog? You clearly don’t feel that pets are part of the family since you expect him to just give up his cats because its “too hard work” to acclimate everyone to a new living situation. You do realise that it’s not all about you once you're married, right?

Cats take up a lot less space than a rottweiler

We have had dogs and cats, in various combinations.

it can work. Firstly try the introduction. Then, the animals all live down stairs. Use stair gates to keep the cats downstairs. If you ca use a stair gate to keep all the animals out of your living room you get mod of the house cat hair free.

if it doesn’t work, the cats live upstairs and you block off your bedroom from the cats with stair gate. This way almost all the house is cat free.

provide the case that cat tree, scratching post etc.

I wouldn’t want to move my cats in with a Rottweiler but the answer to that is not moving in together. Tbh I’d probably tell you to get to fuck for thinking that your dog is more important than my cats, hopefully he’ll do the same.

For the allergy you can also try a pet dander remover spray, air cleaner etc.

Nothing says he isn't child's dad. If he isnt 3 years isn't a quick relationship it's long term so why shouldn't she?

How is a 6 year old dog nearing the last few years of it's life?!

I would suggest he gets rid of you.

you can’t ditch an animal just because your partner does like them or is allergic.

Sorry but I'd give up on you before giving up my animals. Someone who can take in and care for strays etc is a good person. Someone who expects them to give them up to suit their lifestyle is not. Think he needs to find a new partner!!

This.

Has no one read the thread?? He got the cats when he they'd already been dating for a year and in FULL knowledge that when they moved in together this wouldn't work.

The dog was already owned by OP when they met - he KNEW that.
She is allergic - he KNEW that.
The house doesn't lend itself well to 3 animals - he KNEW that.
They were planning to move in together in a couple of years - he KNEW that.

And yet he got them anyway. And now everyone is having a paddy because all of a sudden everything that was always going to happen has come to pass and now they're shouting that OP should be the one to re-home her dog apparently based on the poor decisions her fiance made.

She isn't petulantly demanding he gets rid of his cats out of the blue. He always knew this was going to be the situation!

And as for 'you should get rid of the dog' - why is it OK to use the dog to score points? If rehoming is so heinous it can't be considered for the cats, surely it's just as awful to do it to the dog. Who is a completely innocent animal, just like the cats are.

100% unreasonable.

Also who wants a grottweiler instead of a cat - weird

You can have annual allergy injections that would mean you wouldn’t have to take medication everyday. There’s a small cost but it would be worth it not to have to rehome anyone.