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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want fiance to get rid of his cats

759 replies

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:40

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

  • Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.
  • His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)
  • I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment
  • I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

OP posts:
MidnightMeltdown · 02/05/2025 17:13

justkeepswimingswiming · 02/05/2025 17:03

I’d expect your fiance to dump you tbh. they’re animals, not a piece of trash you get rid of.

This. Sick of people who treat animals as though they’re disposable. When your partner decided to get cats he made a commitment which could last up to 20 years. They are his responsibility.

I don’t know how you expect to rehome them either. Shelters around here aren’t taking in animals as they are all full with long waiting lists!

TisILeClair · 02/05/2025 17:13

Imho the allergy is the deciding factor. YANBU.

MidnightMeltdown · 02/05/2025 17:15

I doubt it. People with these allergies usually get over it with enough exposure.

Bimblebombles · 02/05/2025 17:16

Not the point of the thread but no way would I be giving over my home office to a grown man so he can have a games room.

Charlize43 · 02/05/2025 17:23

It's probably time he found a new fiancé... preferably a nice one who volunteers at the Cats Protection.

Loutina · 02/05/2025 17:23

Freeasa · 02/05/2025 15:40

Why does anyone buy a Rottweiler. Get a spaniel or a Labrador or a cockapoo instead fgs.

Show quote history

I inherited her - and she was a rescue before that. She needed a home, and I had one I was willing to give. It's difficult to know without a crystal ball but it's likely she would have been put down if I hadn't.

That's really all the justification I can give you, nothing more groundbreaking than that

Halfemptyhalfling · 02/05/2025 17:24

Some allergies it's possible to treat and get rid off. I would look into this to see if you can get rid of your allergy. Otherwise the cats will need to be rehomed as I don't think it's good to take antihistamines long term.

Might be better to re-home them now rather than move them two or three times and now they are still young

Romeiswheretheheartis · 02/05/2025 17:25

I don't think confining house cats to the downstairs only of a small terraced house, alongside a rottweiler, is appropriate for them at all. They need far more space, including space to completely get away from the dog. They'll be stressed out by the move, let alone all the extras with the dog and the child. If this is the only option, I honestly think they'd be better off rehomed to another quiet home. My cats wouldn't cope with this and they're not even house cats.

Luv2luv9 · 02/05/2025 17:25

MidnightMeltdown · 02/05/2025 17:15

I doubt it. People with these allergies usually get over it with enough exposure.

They don't. My sister has a dog & I tried everything to be in her house with the dog including exposure therapy,antihistamines the lot,nothing worked. Thankfully she understands & mostly we meet elsewhere or in my house.

Notenoughsweeties · 02/05/2025 17:26

I wouldn’t have cats move in if I’m allergic to them.

Charlize43 · 02/05/2025 17:30

Emotional abuse normally starts with isolation. Hope he's aware enough to spot a red flag.

adviceneeded1990 · 02/05/2025 17:31

I’d give it a go and see how the animals “blend” before making ultimatums. You might be surprised! My 2 house cats lived just with me in a quiet 2 bed house - I then met my now-DH who had an energetic spaniel aged 6 and my DSD who was then 2! Everyone adjusted just fine and one of the cats is cuddled up to the dog as I type!

Loutina · 02/05/2025 17:37

I'm not sure why you're getting all the hate OP. Your fiance was quite clear that this situation would occur when he got the cats - and he got them anyway. It's not like you have brought this up out of the blue.

For everyone saying 'if I was your fiance I'd end the relationship' surely they must also agree that if they were your fiance they also would have made the completely irresponsible and selfish choice to get animals knowing full well what the situation was and that they might not be able to keep them - or would be moving them into a potentially unsuitable and dangerous home.

And I suppose I admire them for their honesty in admitting it.

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:43

Keepsmiling2948 · 02/05/2025 16:53

I wouldn’t move in with you if I was your partner. Lots of references to ‘yours’ and ‘your families home’ etc. gives the impression he’s never going to be allowed to forget that and will forever live as a guest on eggshells at your mercy. No chance.

It is my home. He hasn't moved in yet. When he moves in, its our home.

I dont call his current house "my house" or "our house", so why would it be different the other way around?

OP posts:
forgotmyusername1 · 02/05/2025 17:45

wait until the dog dies before he moves in with his cats

Seems like the obvious answer

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:45

Loutina · 02/05/2025 17:37

I'm not sure why you're getting all the hate OP. Your fiance was quite clear that this situation would occur when he got the cats - and he got them anyway. It's not like you have brought this up out of the blue.

For everyone saying 'if I was your fiance I'd end the relationship' surely they must also agree that if they were your fiance they also would have made the completely irresponsible and selfish choice to get animals knowing full well what the situation was and that they might not be able to keep them - or would be moving them into a potentially unsuitable and dangerous home.

And I suppose I admire them for their honesty in admitting it.

Edited

Yes, he knew all this when he got them. I raised the question to him at the time to be told "it'll be a while off until we move in anyway", and it has been around 2 years since then, but he knew that this day would come eventually.

I couldn't exactly stop him at the time, dating for one year, from getting his own pets.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:49

Charlize43 · 02/05/2025 17:30

Emotional abuse normally starts with isolation. Hope he's aware enough to spot a red flag.

Funny enough, my DP mentioned rehoming them first, I have said nothing to him bar "we should just see how they get on first".

How am I emotionally isolating him when he brought up this as a solution in the first place?

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:51

adviceneeded1990 · 02/05/2025 17:31

I’d give it a go and see how the animals “blend” before making ultimatums. You might be surprised! My 2 house cats lived just with me in a quiet 2 bed house - I then met my now-DH who had an energetic spaniel aged 6 and my DSD who was then 2! Everyone adjusted just fine and one of the cats is cuddled up to the dog as I type!

Edited

See, my dog is a lovable big lump who loves a cuddle! I am hoping it goes this way!

His cats are also very cuddly and sociable (they have never once scratched/hissed at any of us)

OP posts:
Xwx1010 · 02/05/2025 17:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2025 09:43

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

And would you?

This. If the house isn’t suitable for the ‘family’ of pets you have then consider moving together or making living in your home temporary. I’d never get rid of my animals.

maybe try putting up some cat shelves so they have some safe and preferably sunny spots of their own?

crazeekat · 02/05/2025 17:55

U are so selfish. And so is your partner if he actually gets rid of them.

Thelosthalfathought · 02/05/2025 17:57

not read the full thread but have you considered enclosing your garden so the cats can’t leave or attaching a catio to the house so the cats have an outdoor cat only space??

are they indoor only due to breed type or because they are FIV positive?

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:59

Thelosthalfathought · 02/05/2025 17:57

not read the full thread but have you considered enclosing your garden so the cats can’t leave or attaching a catio to the house so the cats have an outdoor cat only space??

are they indoor only due to breed type or because they are FIV positive?

DPs choice to keep as house cats as he didn't want one to go missing or get run over (we both live close to main roads and forest parks)

OP posts:
FlowerUser · 02/05/2025 18:12

Frequency · 02/05/2025 11:04

I've never heard of fexofenadine. I have to take Piriton quite a lot, especially over summer. I'm also allergic to a lot of things (cats, rodents, birds, grass pollen, house dust, paint fumes are the ones I know about, and donkeys, but I do occasionally get symptoms and cannot pinpoint a cause, so there are some unknown allergies too.)

Do you need a prescription for it? My GP knows I take Piriton regularly and has never expressed any concern, so I assume it is considered safe for regular usage.

No you can get it online or in a chemist. I use it every day and it's better than Zirtec and non-drowsy.

But I would not have cats in the house because I am extremely allergic and they give me asthma. I have come out in a bad rash just from stroking a cat before now. Your health is far more important than cats who can be easily rehomed.

Charlize43 · 02/05/2025 18:22

Clearly the solution here is to defer moving in together until 2040 or until the last animal has died.

When you adopt an animal you are making a commitment to look after it for the duration of its life and to provide it with the best life you possibly can. It is the least you can do, as sadly animals don't have a say when they get picked and end up with shit owners. They are not just there for temporary amusement. They are living creatures that deserve respect.

HobbyHorse30 · 02/05/2025 18:25

I actually think the dog is irrelevant here, if your concern is your allergies.

I’m fully prepared to be flamed here but my DH rehomed his two house cats when, after I moved in, we discovered I had a severe allergy to them (I’m also allergic to nuts, latex and other allergens; it’s wasn’t just a wee skin irritation either. I genuinely couldn’t have continued to live in the house with them). The cats went to a good home where they remained for the duration of their lives, and our relationship outlived the cats so it wasn’t for nothing.