To want fiance to get rid of his cats

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

• Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.

• His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)

• I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment

• I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

If you’re allergic don’t do it - it’ll make your life miserable! Plus the added stress of the dog… If he’s not allergic to your dog then surely the dog stays and the cats go.

Partner works full time also, he uses the same room for gaming as his work space.

We once took in a little white and tabby cat who'd spent time as a stray. Almost as soon as she had a roof over her head, she decided that she did not approve of That There Outdoors. 😁 Cats are as individual as we are.

We once took in a little white and tabby cat who'd spent time as a stray. Almost as soon as she had a roof over her head, she decided that she did not approve of That There Outdoors. 😁 Cats are as individual as we are.

In terms of his cats being house cats, there is one of his cats that always looks like it wants to go outside - always scratching at the windows and meowing at the outside. Tries to make a dash out the door when we open it.

The other cat has absolutely no interest at all - lol

I used to have a rottweiler. She was beautiful, soft as soap. She's been gone a long time now but I'm still utterly convinced she'd never have hurt a fly. I didn't have kids when I had her, but I did often wonder what I would do if I got pregnant.

Because you can never tell. To 'yawn' away the statistics that rotties are a breed that can and do cause serious and fatal attacks is arrogant and foolish.

Rotties sadly don’t tend to be long lived, not many make it past 8/9 (used to work at a vets) for those posters that say to get rid of the dog….if they don’t get on it would easier and less stressful to rehome two 2 year old cats.
If they get on and you have a garden I would catproof it so they can’t leave the garden (you use a bracket at an angle and wire so they can’t climb out) it would be healthier for them to have some access to the outside, plus would cut down on the exposure to them. Most people are allergic to the saliva on their coat from cleaning rather than the fur itself.
If they get on they will need a quiet space to settle with a couple of litter trays (recommendation is 1 per cat and 1 spare) and I’d also recommend a feliway plug in.
We used to foster for a rescue and most of the dogs that came through soon learnt to leave the cat alone. We have a dog gate that has a cat flap in so she could move around without the dogs following her.
its not unusual for people to have animals have had to to take a daily antihistamine, if they get on and that’s an option.
At least with a cat proofed garden you can leave doors and windows open without worrying, you may find you struggle less with them spending time outside.

Over my lifetime I have had 10 cats (not all at once), and on the 10th cat I developed such severe allergies to them I can't visit anyone with cats. Where ever hair touches it swells I get rounds of hives and it feels like I've got razors in my lungs when I breathe.

I can take antihistamines and it definitely reduces the effects but I also get really groggy even when they say non-drowsy.

Cat allergies are weird and because of that I'd just not have them move in.

I wouldn't expect the partner to get rid of his beloved companions but I would see this as a reason that we were not compatible.

You say he adopted the cats, I think it would be cruel to send them back to rescue for the second time in their lives. Okay if he had no choice due to homelessness, job loss, illness etc but he'd be actively making the choice! Wouldn't you find that unattractive?

The introduction would need to be very tightly managed but I don't think Rottweilers and cats are necessarily a no-go combo. Not as much as some other breeds.

But honestly the setup doesn't sound amazing if you both need space to work from home as well.

If your partner works full time in the same room as he games on the computers ( gaming enthusiasts, whether autistic or not, tend to spend very long periods of time on their hobby), you and your son will hardly see him in the rest of the house. Won’t you start resenting that?

I don't think that you can move in together yet. My DH and one of our neighbors are both allergic to cats. Once we were all over at another neighbor's house who has one cat and they both had to leave after 30 minutes! Their eyes were swelling and streaming, coughing, ragged breathing, etc. I was surprised at how badly they both reacted. Luckily our family members tend towards dogs as pets or DH wouldn't be able to visit!

Unless you can find a medication that continuously alleviates the symptoms, of course.

I suggest you don't move in together.

Why don’t you rehome your dog? You’re being totally unfair.

@BellissimoGecko That won't resolve her allergic reaction to cats though.

It really depends whether she can fully alleviate it with medication or somehow develop a tolerance as other posters have said they have.

If someone told me to rehome my cat I'd tell them to go to hell.
Op Yabu and selfish he should get rid of something but it's not the cats.

I think it could be considered odd the other way round!

He often buys things without really "thinking" until recently when we had started saving jointly and I had a harsh sit down with him and gave him a reality check. E.g. he bought a huge drumkit that didnt get used then resold after a few months, and bought a large TV for "us" when he eventually move in but he forgot to measure it (it wont fit in my house)

You have MUCH bigger issues to think about than the pets.

Simple answer: you are allergic, so the cats can't move in. Either you don't live together or he rehomes them.
You cannot take daily antihistamines for years on end.
End Of.

However:
You are moving in to save money on his rent so that you can pay for a big wedding; HUGE mistake.
Have the wedding you can afford, and get married before you live together, otherwise you may find (as so many women before you have found out) that he is far less keen to be married when you are already living together.

You live rent free - what is the long term plan? What if you lost your current home? Does it belong to a family member? What is he bringing to the table financially? Does he work in a stable job? Does he want to buy a house together? If the relationship breaks down, how easy will it be for him to rent as a single person again? Will you be stuck with him unable to move back out?

From your comment pasted above, he appears to be financially irresponsible and a spendthrift, which are signs of immaturity.

He is also a gamer, to the extent that he has loads of equipment which need a whole room. - this would be a big turn off for me. Do you know how much time he spends gaming? How many hours is he doing it when you are not there? He will carry on with all those hours when you are living together, instead of doing his share of the housework and childcare. You will very quickly get very resentful.

As a step parent, he will be responsible for helping you care for your ASD child, and building a relationship with them - is he really "parent material"?

I would strongly recommend that you DON'T let him move into your place, at least for a good few years yet.
The MN term for what he risks becoming is "cocklodger".

😂Sounds like every rottweiler I've ever met. More likely to jump at you and lick you to death than bite you! In reality you'll probably have a bigger problem with the cats than the dog. We've introduced our cats to my parents' dog and we have to keep the cat away rather than the dog. She'd definitely take a chunk out of him if she could! He (the dog) is terrified of her!

I do think the allergy is the bigger issue though as that is something that might be out of either of your control. Kindly, is your DP's house particularly clean? It might not be so bad in your house if it's regularly hoovered/cleaned. You could look into getting a HEPA filtration system if that might help. Wooden floors rather than carpets are better for animal fur of any kind.

(I did vote YABU but purely based on the phraseology of the question and OP - I think it should be workable in reality, other than the potential health concerns)

OP like you I couldn’t rehome my pet.

I am also not sure I could respect someone else who did that.

so I would recommend you continue living separately until one of you is pet free.

I'm allergic to my two cats, and I take loratadine every day - it's fine. My doctor says it's fine too.

He often buys things without really "thinking" until recently when we had started saving jointly and I had a harsh sit down with him and gave him a reality check.

Do you not see the problem here? Honestly? YABVU.

You live rent-free and, sorry, come across in your posts as entitled and expectant.

He does not live rent free, presumably is not wealthy, but still goes out of his way to take on the time and cost of homing unwanted cats; cats which you are now demanding he get rid of.

I know you are allergic, which does slightly change things, and I'm trying hard to be fair, OP, but I don't think the problem here is your partner...

If you genuinely have an allergy to cats then YANBU.

But people with cat allergies don't always get a lot of understanding (trust me, I know). I wouldn't live with cats as they would make me ill every day.

Got to be honest, I’d have ditched him the second he got the cats tbh - I have a cat allergy, which has resulted in hospitalisation.

Even if it was not that severe, I would not be taking tablets every time I had to see a partner. Just as I wouldn’t expect them to do likewise for my dogs (if I had gotten the dogs a year into a relationship).

I don’t say this often, but I don’t see this ending well when clearly no one can or will
compromise. You don’t ditch animals once you’ve made a commitment.

Why does anyone buy a Rottweiler. Get a spaniel or a Labrador or a cockapoo instead fgs.

Sounds like you should just live apart for longer. If it takes longer to save for a mortgage so be it. He is daft if he capitulates to your demands to remove his pets.