To want fiance to get rid of his cats

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

• Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.

• His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)

• I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment

• I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

I’d echo other posts about the irresponsibility of this whole situation BUT you’re stuck with two wonderful cats who need to have a calm, safe and happy home environment.

IF your dog is indeed cat friendly, I’d highly recommend investing in a proper garden cat-proofing system, and make sure the dog doesn’t have outdoor access beyond a limited area.

Have you tried Purina LiveClear food for the cats @ellie09 ? We use this for our Dcats and it stops mild allergies and reduces impacts of more severe ones.

I’ve got an indoor cat

He was re homed by a rescue for the second time with me. Previously he had never been outside. They were quite happy that he stayed the same.

When I took him to the vet for his annual jabs and MoT she was of the view that it was past the stage when he would be able to adapt to outside

I’ve had cats all my life (my mum was a PDSA fosterer and we always had two or three around) I’m in my 70s and this guy is the first one I’ve been allergic to

Piriton works fine for me. I’m on various meds and the GP suggested it. I’ve had him about three years now and if I forget to take it the symptoms soon appear

No way I’d rehome him though because I am allergic. Not his fault and he is very happy here

I think I’m in the camp of OP and partner not moving in together at the moment

My cat loves me - he greets me when I get home, sleeps next to me at night and chooses to sleep on my lap in an evening when he has a multitude of soft beds around the house! Just because you don't have a personal experience of cats' love doesn't mean it doesn't exist!

My experiences tends to be:

Cat lovers - dogs are fine, I just have a preference for cats.
Dog lovers - cats are the DEVIL INCARNATE and they all HATE me for NO REASON

I have an ASD son and know how important it is to accommodate coping mechanism tools or special hobbies as best as you can. DP has high functioning ASD also and this is his.

Ive set up a smaller desk space for me in our bedroom (which is all I need). The new gaming room is my DS old bedroom - its quite small and DS needed upgraded to the bigger room so he can get a double bed anyhow (which DS is delighted with as we are also able to now get his swinging chair).

E.g. my DS has ASD and I have had to spend lots of money adapting the garden with lots of play equipment, a sensory "shed" for him as he uses physical activity as a coping mechanism.

Its different for each person and hard to explain to people that may not have experience of it.

On the other hand, I'm always out and about etc so my safe space and chance to unwind is walking and hiking etc (which the dog and DS love also, and DP at times!)

Ill suggest this to him - they apparently have really sensitive stomachs if he changes their food, but its worth a shot!

Last few years of life at 6? Is she ill? If so then you won’t have a problem with them not getting on for long….

Admittedly, I am a dog lover (obviously!) But absolutely dont hate or dislike cats!

My DPs two cats are lovely, and always up for jumping on our laps for cuddles. One of his cats waits by the window for us when we come and go and likes to greet us at the door.

As long as I have my antihistamine, I am all down for cat cuddles on the sofa!

You’re not being slightly selfish, you are being VERY selfish! It’s ‘me,me,me’ with you as you think your dog is more important than your fiancé’s cats. I am surprised he hasn’t run for the hills! Not because you won’t tolerate his cats, but because you clearly don’t give a toss how he feels and it proves you have a very entitled side to you.I hope he sees sense soon!

He had brought up the idea of rehoming them if it doesnt work out before I even thought about it. So if he has brought it up, is this still so selfish of me to think of this also?

Cats almost entirely have sensitive stomachs if you change their food, you just need t do it gradually.

I am mildly irritated by cat hair etc btw - unless I live with them! Had no problems 0-18, then flared up when I visited home for the first 24h.

Didn't settle down til I got cats of my own. So you might not be properly allergic with regular contact.

I thinking could a case of getting used to it also. When I was young, I had an allergy to our lab, which gradually eased off (but not completely!)

Ill definitely look into the food

DP has high functioning ASD also

Yes, I thought so.

Ive set up a smaller desk space for me in our bedroom (which is all I need).

It's all you need right now. But have you worked before in a room that you sleep in and share with another person?

Are you sure you don't have autism? You have the same focus on separate details (cats, gaming, child, bedroom) without looking at the whole picture. And the same problem that people with autism often have seeing what's coming. It only takes one thing to go wrong for your whole living plan to fall apart.

When he (and his cats) are here all the time you will need more space in the house to call your own than you do now when it's just you and your child.

Cats are domestic, not wild.

I'm a dog person but I would never expect a partner to rehome any animals for my sake. Pets are family.

Some of these responses are wild... 😂

I'm on the pathway for an ADHD diagnosis. Not ASD, I have been tested for this very recently.

I have lots of energy so spend a lot of time out of the house, out and about (hence dog gets c. 2 hours exercise a day and I also do a lot of swimming etc). Then I usually curl up in the evenings in the living room with a book or watch some TV (which is only about 1-2 hours per day).

Im hybrid working, so I will likely work a bit more from office. Although, DP has put an extra desk in his space, in case I would prefer that. I think I would get too distracted whilst working though (and I have a lot of client calls I attend)

All these people saying that cats are 'wild' and 'need to roam'

My house cat escaped the other day and jumped over the gate. In his panic to get back, he accidentally jumped into next doors garden and cried/yowled until he worked out how to jump the fence again!

He is quite happy inside!

“Slightly selfish” doing some heavy lifting here….

You shouldn’t be moving in together simple. .!
He has his own responsibilities and so do you .
You can’t join a home with what you have described so you should remain living seperate!.

If the only way you can live together is for him to get rid of the cats and he doesn't want to then now is not the time.

I don't think it's got anything to do with your relationship, but I'd be heartbroken if I had to get rid of my cat to move in with someone and would choose to stay living apart. You don't have to break up, but living together isn't an option right now.

If you have to ask, he doesn't love you enough.

This isn't a question you should have to ask.

Its that simple. He should be seeing it himself. If he's not, its not the relationship for you. It won't last the ultimatiums and demands.

Good luck with keeping the cats downstairs, unless you have a totally enclosed staircase and door. You’d probably be better off making the game room into the cat space, if the dog is kept downstairs. I was adamant our cat wouldn’t come upstairs, and now she sleeps on my bed because I’m a soft touch ( and she is a very affectionate and clean cat!)

You mention having a desk in your bedroom so you’re not distracted by gaming while on client calls. Does your partner not work at all during your working day?

OK... so what's the backup plan if him moving in just doesn't work? Not as in, it'll be OK if we tweak this or that, but what if living together in this space really doesn't work for you or DC or DDog? Will he move out again? What you're proposing is high-risk and you need a safe backup plan for all the people and creatures involved. Without a graceful way out you shouldn't move him in, saving money isn't everything.

I don’t think anyone is necessarily being unreasonable here - but it just sounds a really sad situation.

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like your lives are that compatible. Does your fiance have children? It’ll be a huge change for him living with someone and their child and Rottweiler when he is used to wfh in a quiet environment. AND having to rehome his cats.

I personally wouldn’t do it if I was him - I’d maintain a relationship in separate households. I understand there are financial considerations I guess the questions is - those aside - will you, your fiancé and your child ALL be happier living together? If so, and the cats are a sacrifice he’s willing to make, then I think you are totally right to address it now