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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want fiance to get rid of his cats

759 replies

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:40

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

  • Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.
  • His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)
  • I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment
  • I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/05/2025 13:22

TBH I think you were U to get a Rottweiler in the first place.

BeachRide · 02/05/2025 13:23

RedHelenB · 02/05/2025 10:14

Why the rush to move in together?

Bet she's pregnant, or planning to be soon.

chipsewfast · 02/05/2025 13:24

All about you and your needs, isn't it? I think your fiance should ditch you

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 02/05/2025 13:24

The more I hear about his planning traits, the more I think you need to give serious thoughts to this house move OP.

Look at your dog's history - rehomed after unexpected house move. And his cats - rehomed potentially after unexpected house move.

Fact is, your current place might be cheap (allowing you to save for a wedding when you've never lived together...), but it isn't suitable if you have to give up your office for a gaming room.

So if you move, you could potentially lose the ability to move back to accommodation that suits your present needs, AND he'd have rehomed the cats, AND your son would have been disrupted...

It just doesn't square to me. Do you plan to have children with him?

I really think you need to live together in a home that's suitable at a minimum for the two adults and child, before you even think of the pets. And forget cramped living to save for a wedding, that's insane.

mrsmiggins78 · 02/05/2025 13:25

The solution is to let the cats out - why are they house cats? Cats need to roam, they are wild and they need stimulation.

Bigcat25 · 02/05/2025 13:25

You can get a series oh shots to get rid of a cat allergy, however you do need a lot of them.

LondonPapa · 02/05/2025 13:26

@ellie09 I’m allergic to cats. I would never have asked my partner to give up her cat. If I did, she would kick me to the curb and end our relationship. One friend moved in with her partner, took her cat, they’ve now split. I suspect the outcome would be the same here if you force the giving up the cats, or move in with cats. It doesn’t work on a fundamental level.

capybaraqueen · 02/05/2025 13:26

Surprised no one had mentioned this cat food yet, it massively reduces allergies. Definitely worth a try I've know lots of people see their allergies disappear once they feed it to their cats.

Purina pro plan: clear. www.purina.co.uk/brands/pro-plan/cat/liveclear

My pets would be rehomed over my dead body though 🤪❤️

BigHeadBertha · 02/05/2025 13:26

wordywitch · 02/05/2025 13:07

I’d reconsider the idea of not letting the cats upstairs, especially given you have an open plan downstairs. Perhaps they can have free rein of the ‘gaming room’ upstairs as their safe space if the dog and noise of downstairs gets to be too much? It’s quite hard to stop cats from getting upstairs anyway, what is your plan to stop them climbing over gates?

Something else to keep in mind is that if your partner rehomes the cats, they might struggle to get adopted since they’ll want to be adopted as a pair and not many rescues approve of cats not being allowed outside. So you really need to try everything possible to make this work.

Is this accurate, about the rescues there not approving of cats not being allowed outdoors?

I'm in the US, and here it's largely considered irresponsible to let cats go outdoors at all (unless there's a safely enclosed space like a "catio,"). Just curious.

Lovelysummerdays · 02/05/2025 13:28

HonestAquaMember · 02/05/2025 09:47

Why is it that dog owners always think dogs come before cats? All three are dearly loved pets - why should he rehome the cats because you want him to? If you wouldn't rehome your dog, you can't expect him to rehome his cats.

Edited

My dog loves me though, the cat tolerates me as I feed her nice things.

moose62 · 02/05/2025 13:29

I think the best solution is to rehome the cats before you move on together or he will have to wait until your dog is no longer with you.
It us horrible when you have an allergy to an animal. It never goes away. The cats would probably be better off rehomed when they might have the opportunity to have a nicer life and go outside than if they are stuck downstairs with a dog in a noisy small house.
This isn't only about DF and you, it is about the animals and as you say, the cats have a long lifespan ahead of them and shouldn't have to compromise.

wordywitch · 02/05/2025 13:30

@BigHeadBertha Yes, it’s the opposite in the UK, with most rescues only allowing you to adopt a cat if they will have access to outdoor space.

MidnightPatrol · 02/05/2025 13:32

BigHeadBertha · 02/05/2025 13:26

Is this accurate, about the rescues there not approving of cats not being allowed outdoors?

I'm in the US, and here it's largely considered irresponsible to let cats go outdoors at all (unless there's a safely enclosed space like a "catio,"). Just curious.

Edited
Show quote history

Not allowing cats outside at all is quite unusual in the UK. They like to be outside.

BeachRide · 02/05/2025 13:32

BigHeadBertha · 02/05/2025 13:26

Is this accurate, about the rescues there not approving of cats not being allowed outdoors?

I'm in the US, and here it's largely considered irresponsible to let cats go outdoors at all (unless there's a safely enclosed space like a "catio,"). Just curious.

Edited
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We don't have bears or mountain lions!

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 02/05/2025 13:36

I would never get rid of my cat. No way. If you take on an animal you have a responsibility to it.

CalleOcho · 02/05/2025 13:36

You should have moved in together and explored your relationship to see if you were compatible with each others life styles and pets before getting engaged.

Obviously it’s happened now. I think you either accept him and his cats to live together with you- or you end the relationship. You can’t expect someone to re home their pets. If you don’t want cats in your house then don’t move him in.

albalass · 02/05/2025 13:37

I'm allergic to cats and there is no way I could live with one. When visiting relatives/friends who have cats I have to take antihistamines for days before and during my visit, have a ventolin inhaler with me (which I only need for this allergy - I don't have asthma), and even then I still wheeze a lot, my lungs actually ache, my eyes itch - it's just miserable.

DangerousAlchemy · 02/05/2025 13:39

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 12:36

Thanks for your well written post!

Yes, it was an irresponsible move on DP's part. He often buys things without really "thinking" until recently when we had started saving jointly and I had a harsh sit down with him and gave him a reality check. E.g. he bought a huge drumkit that didnt get used then resold after a few months, and bought a large TV for "us" when he eventually move in but he forgot to measure it (it wont fit in my house)

When he first got the cats, it was because he felt lonely living alone and was more for his mental health etc. He has a bit of tunnel vision and I dont think he looked at the wider picture. He has Aspergers so it may come into play a bit (hence he has a gaming room / PCs also which is his coping mechanisms and I have accomodated this space for him in my home for when he moves in).

We all get on with each others animals. Despite my allergies, I love cuddling up on the sofa with the cats while at his house, and my dog adores my DP as well (I dont get a look in if he stays at mine!) His cats are so gentle natured and well mannered that I worry my house will be too much for them!

Allergies aren't an issue apart from the fact I cant have them on my bed etc. This makes them going upstairs rather difficult.

We are going through some ideas such as converting under the stairs into a little hidey hole for them and installing baby gates etc to the stairs to prevent dog going up, so we will likely give it a try and see how it goes.

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Build some walkways and high up shelves and a floor to ceiling cat tree maybe, they can escape up high if dog and child get a bit much for them. Maybe a catio going forward? or cat-proof the garden? We'd did this ourselves for a few hundred quid as we have a blind longterm foster cat who loves being outside. Ignore all the haters OP. Sounds like the cats were an impulse buy on your partner's part and it sounds like you are doing your best to accommodate them. Hopefully the intros go well and the cats aren't too stressed by the move. Good luck.

FindingNemosBall · 02/05/2025 13:42

I'm another vote for team cats.

CowCat · 02/05/2025 13:43

For the cat allergies, you could start feeding them Purina Liveclear cat food. It reduces allergens on cat hair & dander.

mumda · 02/05/2025 13:44

I'd hazard a guess this is a reverse. The person with cats hates the dog and found a way to avoid it moving in.

reesespieces123 · 02/05/2025 13:44

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 10:13

Because he has one in his current house - lots of PCs and equipment that he will need room for.
Ive had to set up a smaller desk in my bedroom.

Its not all one sided, I have made some compromises also in this move so that he can still have his hobbies etc when he moves in.

The lifestyle he has given to his cats though - not being outside, allowed to roam the entire house and sleep in his bed etc can't really be enforced in my house.

My house is also loud, with very few places for two cats to go for reprieve if they are feeling overwhelmed. I have an open plan kitchen and living room, so no separate rooms downstairs.

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Don't marry a man who thinks that hos gaming room trumps your office! You'll be back in a few years complaining that he's gaming rather than changing nappies. @ellie09

Lorlorlorikeet · 02/05/2025 13:45

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 10:02

Yes, he has planned all our wedding, got his venue of choice in his hometown which is quite a bit away from my family (we are splitting cost 50/50)

He has got his choice of providers when he are combining bills in the future (he wanted particular wifi, electric, tv companies for his PC requirements which are a lot pricier than I pay atm) and a room in my 3 bed cleared out and waiting for him for his gaming room (which I had to vacate my office for!)

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This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Why did you do all that for him? Just live separately. A gamer, two cats, a kid with ASD and a Rottweiler sounds like absolute chaos.

kalokagathos · 02/05/2025 13:48

I would break up over pets. No way would I rehome them. I would rehome myself away from my fiancé 😃

godmum56 · 02/05/2025 13:48

BeachRide · 02/05/2025 13:32

We don't have bears or mountain lions!

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or rabies

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