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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want fiance to get rid of his cats

759 replies

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:40

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

  • Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.
  • His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)
  • I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment
  • I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

OP posts:
Objectiontime · 02/05/2025 12:54

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:54

Maybe I am being slightly selfish, but I have had my dog for 5 years, and he got his 2 cats at a stage where we were talking about moving in together in the future. He got them knowing this may be a situation further down the line, but didn't really think about the repercussions back then

Obviously, I will try to make it work in my home with his cats if that is what he wishes, but I dont think that me rehoming my dog from its home for most of its life, and nearing the last few years of it, is particularly fair vs. cats that are only c. 2 years old and can have life spans of 15+ years

Show quote history

I think the biggest issue in all this is your allergy to the cats to be honest. I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about the best way forward. I don’t think you can really live with cats if you are allergic. It’s not therefore really a question of dog or cats being regimes or otherwise. It’s about the practicality of living with the cats when you are allergic to them.

TheSilentMajority · 02/05/2025 12:55

I think the dog is a red herring - you are allergic to cats and if he wants to move into your house his choice is rehome cats or not move in

Paganpentacle · 02/05/2025 12:57

HonestAquaMember · 02/05/2025 09:47

Why is it that dog owners always think dogs come before cats? All three are dearly loved pets - why should he rehome the cats because you want him to? If you wouldn't rehome your dog, you can't expect him to rehome his cats.

Edited

She's allergic to them for a start....

crankycurmudgeon · 02/05/2025 12:58

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 10:13

Because he has one in his current house - lots of PCs and equipment that he will need room for.
Ive had to set up a smaller desk in my bedroom.

Its not all one sided, I have made some compromises also in this move so that he can still have his hobbies etc when he moves in.

The lifestyle he has given to his cats though - not being outside, allowed to roam the entire house and sleep in his bed etc can't really be enforced in my house.

My house is also loud, with very few places for two cats to go for reprieve if they are feeling overwhelmed. I have an open plan kitchen and living room, so no separate rooms downstairs.

Show quote history

A manchild who would insist on having a gaming room when moving into a home with a ND, knowing he is kicking you out of your home office, hardly screams that he is someone wanting to put you and your child first... big red flag in my view...

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 12:59

For anybody curious about having this rottweiler in my home with a child.

She stayed with her previous owners until she was 1 who all had children aged between 3 to 10. She had to be rehomed as they had to sell their home and rent. They couldn't find a rental that would allow a large dog.

She went to rescue, where she was put with a foster family, all with young children. Continued her training then was rehomed with me.

She had and still continues obedience training and is absolutely amazing with children and other dogs.

The best dog I have had, by a mile.

Our house is small but she gets 2x hour exercise per day and we have a large garden for some play time.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 02/05/2025 13:00

You know, you don't have to live together OP. You have a bloke with ASD, you have a kid with ASD. What makes you think they'll be able to live with each other full time?

There's nothing stopping you getting married but living apart. The way he sees these cats as disposable is alarming anyway that could be pointed towards your dog or you might come home one day to some other random animals he's bought on impulse.

Yellowhammer09 · 02/05/2025 13:00

Get rid of the cats. No allergies. Hooray!

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2025 13:00

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 11:21

Thats great to hear it worked out so well

I think we will need to rethink about giving the cats a safe space somewhere in the house.

Show quote history

Is there any chance of you building a catio in the garden?

Would help a lot and you'd be able to open windows (closed windows are the worst part of house cats()

mummybear35 · 02/05/2025 13:01

I had cats, dogs and chickens before I met my husband…if he didn’t get on with any of that, he wouldn’t have been promoted to husband status and it would have not gone any further! My animals are my family and it’s non negotiable 🤷🏻‍♀️

godmum56 · 02/05/2025 13:01

I'd be dubious about being in a committed relationship with anyone who has a record of making impetuous decisions and then dealing with the fall out by getting rid....yes is a massive stretch from a drumkit but maybe not so far when you consider he got kittens so quickly and is now considering getting rid of them....I mean no he's not going to drown them in a bucket or dump them somewhere but its still dealing with a problem by getting rid.

MimiGC · 02/05/2025 13:05

Where are you going to work if downstairs is open plan and your partner has taken over your office for his gaming hobby? How do you propose keeping the cats downstairs? A gate at the bottom of the stairs keeping your dog downstairs will be easily jumped over by cats, especially as they will be trying to get away from the dog. If you are working downstairs all day and the cats are also downstairs all day, your allergies are likely to be very troublesome. The whole idea seems very ill conceived.

Callie247 · 02/05/2025 13:05

MidnightPatrol · 02/05/2025 12:49

People with these kinds of dogs always react like this. Rottweilers are known for being aggressive to people outside of their ‘pack’. Ten seconds of googling tells me that after pit bulls, they’re the most likely kind of dog to be involved in a fatal attack. So - not harmless.

I stand by my point - a rehomed Rottweiler in a small house with a young child doesn’t sound very sensible.

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People who don't know what they are talking about always react like this. I'm talking with the benefit of 30 years of hands on experience with a breed that you've never owned. But you carry on googling your amazing facts eh 😉

MrsB74 · 02/05/2025 13:06

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 10:08

Thats the plan. I cant really think of any other solution. If I dont, I will be suffering 24/7.

The last time I forgot, my throat had started to close over.

Its not fiances fault, as I hadn't been around many cats in the past and had no clue I was allergic prior to him getting them.

Show quote history

Your allergy will probably calm down being exposed to cats all the time - this is from personal experience. Obviously you’ll need antihistamines for a while though.

My dog and cats get on pretty well, but a gentle introduction is a good idea. It took a little while.

Give it time, have some patience and see how it goes.

wordywitch · 02/05/2025 13:07

I’d reconsider the idea of not letting the cats upstairs, especially given you have an open plan downstairs. Perhaps they can have free rein of the ‘gaming room’ upstairs as their safe space if the dog and noise of downstairs gets to be too much? It’s quite hard to stop cats from getting upstairs anyway, what is your plan to stop them climbing over gates?

Something else to keep in mind is that if your partner rehomes the cats, they might struggle to get adopted since they’ll want to be adopted as a pair and not many rescues approve of cats not being allowed outside. So you really need to try everything possible to make this work.

ElleintheWoods · 02/05/2025 13:07

Just the way you’ve phrased it… ‘get rid’.

You just don’t like the cats, they’re an inconvenience to you, snd you need to admit it

It’s interesting how every person that ‘hates’ cats also seems to be allergic to them. And how cat people almost never have anything against dogs, but dog people often passionately hate cats. Just why 🙈

ScrollingLeaves · 02/05/2025 13:09

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2025 09:43

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

And would you?

What you have to do is have training crate. Put the securely dog in it, while the cats are in the room, for 15 minutes x 4 everyday. You do this for as long as it takes for the dog to completely relax around the cats and show no state of arousal. After that you keep the dog on a lead while in the room with the cats. Eventually they all become part of the ‘pack’ with the family.

Is there a way to become de-sensitised to allergy to cats? I have heard of this being possible with some allergies.

How devoted to his cats is he? Does he love them as though they are his children?

gamerchick · 02/05/2025 13:09

You can't keep cats downstairs. The only thing you can do is make sure the doors upstairs are kept closed at all times.

BoredZelda · 02/05/2025 13:11

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 02/05/2025 09:58

Because she has had the dog longer than he has had the cats?
Because there is also a child to think about and the child might love the dog? It's also her child's home and a new person living there will already be change enough, but getting rid of his/ her dog too will be too much

Show quote history

Two young cats are easier to rehome than an old Rottweiler.

BoredZelda · 02/05/2025 13:17

mummybear35 · 02/05/2025 13:01

I had cats, dogs and chickens before I met my husband…if he didn’t get on with any of that, he wouldn’t have been promoted to husband status and it would have not gone any further! My animals are my family and it’s non negotiable 🤷🏻‍♀️

She had her dog years before she met her fiance. Why do the cats he’s had for only a couple of years take priority over his dog?

BoredZelda · 02/05/2025 13:17

*OP’s dog.

Emmz1510 · 02/05/2025 13:18

So he rehomed the cats before you were living together and you already had the dog is that right? And he wouldn’t have assumed there would be any difficulty with allergies or with the cats living with a dog (or vice versa) since your dog had already lived with a cat? So there was nothing particularly flawed in him taking on the cats, although it could be said it is them who should be rehomed simply because you had the dog first, if you want to look at it that way. It would have been useful for you both to have had the conversation about what might happen in the future if you decided to live together with the three pets, before he rehomed them.
Also, I don’t think I’d be happy if my cats couldn’t have free run of the house. They like to roam around, and sleep on beds and look out high windows over their ‘territory’.
So, while I do agree with you that if any pets should be rehomed it should be the cats, I can totally understand why he might not want to and feels committed to his cats as any reasonable pet owner should be.
So, your options are
The cats get rehomed.
You just don’t live together- not such a radical option, plenty of couples don’t.
You give it a try, but with regular use of antihistamines or other allergy options. Is there an injection you can get? I honestly wouldn’t limit their access to upstairs if I could avoid it. It’s not comparable to your dogs situation. The dog isn’t going to think ‘that’s unfair’ and there is no particular need for him to be upstairs whereas cats have slightly different needs.

Ihopeyouhavent · 02/05/2025 13:19

I'd be rehoming you and your dog before getting rid of my cats!

loulouljh · 02/05/2025 13:20

You cannot make him just rehome them! That's utterly cruel.

DuckTales1234 · 02/05/2025 13:21

I hope he breaks up with you for his own good! I’d never in a million’s years rehome my cats for any partner. You sound very selfish and entitled!

Gustavo77 · 02/05/2025 13:21

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:48

No, its a 6 year old Rottweiler nearing the last few years of its life. I wouldnt rehome her.

Show quote history

Why would you expect him to rehomed his cats then? I'm allergic to cats but I have two, I take antihistamines. I also have a big breed dog and they get on great. If I were him, I'd keep the cats and upgrade the girlfriend.

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