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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want fiance to get rid of his cats

759 replies

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:40

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

  • Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.
  • His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)
  • I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment
  • I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

OP posts:
Constance1 · 02/05/2025 12:15

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:57

Rottweiler's only live until 8-10 years usually, not 14 or 15. A quick google search would let you know this.

Well if you are so sure your dog is on his/her last legs, why not wait for the dog to go to doggy heaven before moving in together then? What's the rush to do it now if the situation is so tricky right now?

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 02/05/2025 12:18

OMG do not confine the cats downstairs, that's cruel!

Cats need to find places to hide, underneath beds is usually an ideal place for them to do this. Allows them to feel safe and secure when they sleep (which cats do alot)

They're not dogs, their needs are different and you need to understand this and make allowances for them.

Don't be cruel..

Weefox · 02/05/2025 12:18

All I can say is - you sound incredibly selfish.

Our pets are often like family and to dismiss them is to dismiss the emotional ties they create. I wonder what your poor fiancé things about all this. He'd be wise to reconsider the upcoming marriage.

HonestAquaMember · 02/05/2025 12:19

@FloatingSquirrel that's simply not true - cats get just as attached to their owners as dogs do.

I live alone with my cat and he greets me every day when I get home from work. He sleeps next to me at night, sits on my lap in an evening when I'm watching tv. He wouldn't do well being rehomed.

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 12:19

Constance1 · 02/05/2025 12:15

Well if you are so sure your dog is on his/her last legs, why not wait for the dog to go to doggy heaven before moving in together then? What's the rush to do it now if the situation is so tricky right now?

My dog is very healthy now. Their average life span is so low as they are bigger dogs, prone to getting certain types of cancer. This wont be evident until the dog is actually sick.

I say average life span, some can obviously live longer. My dog was the runt, so a bit smaller than average, so theres a possibility (thankfully!) that we get more years from her.

OP posts:
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 12:20

Weefox · 02/05/2025 12:18

All I can say is - you sound incredibly selfish.

Our pets are often like family and to dismiss them is to dismiss the emotional ties they create. I wonder what your poor fiancé things about all this. He'd be wise to reconsider the upcoming marriage.

He was the one brought up the possibility of rehoming them before I had even thought about it.

OP posts:
Thesoundofscience · 02/05/2025 12:21

Can you invest in a catio for the cats, or cat proof the garden? And keep your bedroom door shut but allow the cats into your partner’s office/gaming room for them to sleep in?

Middlechild3 · 02/05/2025 12:21

Shoppingagain · 02/05/2025 09:47

How does your fiance feel about that?

Also I don’t see how you can live with cats if you are allergic to them not to mention the Rottweiler and small child. The whole thing seems like a bad idea all round.

I would end a relationship rather than give up any pet/s.

LondonNootropics · 02/05/2025 12:22

I’d leave a relationship before I rehomed my cats or dogs. Shame on you.

Nominative · 02/05/2025 12:22

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:57

Rottweiler's only live until 8-10 years usually, not 14 or 15. A quick google search would let you know this.

A properly looked-after Rottweiler can live to 12 years or more.

SkylarkKitten · 02/05/2025 12:23

Have to say, when I was dating, if anyone had any issues with my cats they were politely told to go elsewhere.

It's not something I'd ever suggest to any pet owner, but each to their own.

Hopefully he doesn't have any black short-haired cats because they're harder to rehome, especially when past the 'cute kitten' phase. Not to mention the feline ties being broken as rehoming the cats together will be harder still.

Ahhhh, this thread is breaking my heart so I'm going elsewhere!!

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 12:23

LondonNootropics · 02/05/2025 12:22

I’d leave a relationship before I rehomed my cats or dogs. Shame on you.

My DP was the one who brought up the possibility of rehoming them if it didnt work out before I did

Im simply asking do I pose the question to rehome them beforehand rather than risking it or dealing with stress in the house from both animals and people?

OP posts:
EllasNonny · 02/05/2025 12:24

I have two dogs that I absolutely adore. I have a life limiting condition, which means I'm with them pretty much all day every day, far more than DH and DC. There's no way I'd think my dogs come before a partner's cats. Being made to choose would strengthen my resolve to side with pets, dogs or cats. Even if it meant not moving in or splitting up.

HoskinsChoice · 02/05/2025 12:24

If I was your fiance, I would definitely get rid... of you!

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 12:24

Nominative · 02/05/2025 12:22

A properly looked-after Rottweiler can live to 12 years or more.

Im hoping so!

OP posts:
JustSawJohnny · 02/05/2025 12:24

hydriotaphia · 02/05/2025 11:37

My mind is actually blown by the number of people voting YABU! It seems to me that this situation obviously won’t work - how can the OP possibly invite indoor cats into her home when (1) she is allergic and (2) she had a dog who likely won’t cope with them. It just can’t happen. So the choices are either the fiancé comes without the cats or he doesn’t come at all. Given that they are planning to spend their lives together OF COURSE there is absolutely nothing wrong with suggesting to the fiancé that he re-home them. It would be weird not to have this conversation given that the likely alternative is basically splitting up. This poll really cements my view that people just come on mumsnet for the opportunity to berate others.

Not agreeing with you means 'berating people'?

I voted YABU because they need to not live together.

She has allergies and he cannot be expected to give up his pets.

Pets are family, not commodities to be passed around. If you're really a dog lover you already know this.

People who can do this are not for me. It shows a coldness that I don't want in my relationship.

YourLoyalPlumOP · 02/05/2025 12:24

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:54

Maybe I am being slightly selfish, but I have had my dog for 5 years, and he got his 2 cats at a stage where we were talking about moving in together in the future. He got them knowing this may be a situation further down the line, but didn't really think about the repercussions back then

Obviously, I will try to make it work in my home with his cats if that is what he wishes, but I dont think that me rehoming my dog from its home for most of its life, and nearing the last few years of it, is particularly fair vs. cats that are only c. 2 years old and can have life spans of 15+ years

Your dog is 6….how on earth is at the end of his life?

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 12:25

YourLoyalPlumOP · 02/05/2025 12:24

Your dog is 6….how on earth is at the end of his life?

Larger breed with lower life expectency. Unlikely to live to 15+

OP posts:
DisabledDemon · 02/05/2025 12:25

You seem to have a complete disregard for his opinion or feelings on what should happen to the cats, which doesn't bode well for the future. You are sounding rather selfish.

Your dog may Iive to circa 8-10 years old. Yes, I know people have said 14 years + but that's honestly unrealistic for a large dog and very rare. We have a retriever who's 15 years old and is frankly a walking miracle.

Your choice is simple, really. You postpone moving in together until you no longer have your dog. This will give you (both) the opportunity to decide if you really are suited. I say this as there seems to be an imbalance of expectation on your part and frankly, if someone told me that I must rehome my cats, I'd be asking myself if this was someone with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. You risk starting your life together with resentment simmering away in the background.

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 12:26

HoskinsChoice · 02/05/2025 12:24

If I was your fiance, I would definitely get rid... of you!

Even though fiance was the one to bring it up as an option to begin with?

OP posts:
TheDefiant · 02/05/2025 12:26

Possibly the only fair thing to do is for you both to rehome all the pets and agree not to have pets in future.

BigHeadBertha · 02/05/2025 12:27

I think it's on him, to be honest. I also think, while responsible pet ownership is important, people come before animals. We don't always know how our lives will go. I'd at least try to responsibly re-home pets before I'd delay progress in a serious relationship.

That said, it's a shame he took in two cats after the two of you had already been together for a year. By then, it seems he'd have had an idea of where this would likely be heading and that the cats wouldn't merge well with the situation you already had- (allergies, a large dog, and free rent in a small place). Therefore, I'd say that if there was irresponsibility here, it was his, so he should handle it.

I also agree that moving the cats into your current home doesn't seem like a good idea. You're allergic to them and space is limited. Also, I've heard of more than one incident where a large dog actually killed a cat. I don't know how long it would take for your dog to recognize the cats as "family" but before that, the cats could be at risk, if they weren't able to be kept securely away from the dog. (Also, this is assuming that the owner of the free rental home has given permission for another person to live there, let alone two more pets).

If he can find a good home for the cats, that might be the best way to proceed here. If he personally knows someone who could possibly take them, it might help if he sweetens the deal by offering them some money to help with the costs. Perhaps a set amount per month, for the first year.

Or consider a third option. I don't quite get moving in together to save for a wedding anyway. It seems like "putting the cart before the horse," especially when there's a child involved. Living together isn't nearly the commitment marriage is. Men will more easily move in than marry. So, especially if your child is younger than mid-teens, it's a less stable situation for them than marriage would be.

Anyway, since this move is "to save up for the wedding," it sounds like it might be temporary, anyway. If the two of you plan to get a place of your own after you're married, why not just get married first. You could opt for a small, inexpensive wedding and use the money saved for a larger place that accommodates both of your current lives better, where there's a sufficient area that the cats could be contained in. We all value different things but I just see big, expensive weddings as more for first timers, without kids. Otherwise, it seems (to me) not very practical to blow that much on an elaborate party, when you have more grown-up lives, with more important needs. Just my thoughts, for what they're worth. Best wishes.

YourLoyalPlumOP · 02/05/2025 12:29

Frequency · 02/05/2025 11:04

I've never heard of fexofenadine. I have to take Piriton quite a lot, especially over summer. I'm also allergic to a lot of things (cats, rodents, birds, grass pollen, house dust, paint fumes are the ones I know about, and donkeys, but I do occasionally get symptoms and cannot pinpoint a cause, so there are some unknown allergies too.)

Do you need a prescription for it? My GP knows I take Piriton regularly and has never expressed any concern, so I assume it is considered safe for regular usage.

I take fenoxfaxidine

i think it’s crap. But hey ho

Lovelyview · 02/05/2025 12:32

Don't move in together. It sounds really stressful.

EcoChica1980 · 02/05/2025 12:33

Are you really allergic?

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