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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Urgent advice needed, am I being crazy or is DP trying to f*** me over

166 replies

TravisRains · 02/05/2025 09:29

Long time poster, changed names.

I am gonna keep this brief but try not to drip feed.

2 female partners - together 15 years

1 partner went through IUI to have a child. This was done as a single woman, other female not named on birth certificate. Reasons being, she did not meet criteria to be part of the fertility journey. very long boring story but ultimately it was her fault.

DS only has me on birth certificate. This comes to today. DS is 7 years old. Me and DP have split. No cheating, nothing like that, she just stopped giving any kind of attention/sex. We would argue all the time and I made the decision to end it.

I have the house. Now in receipt of Universal credit which tops up my full time wage a bit.

She is now sofa surfing at her brothers house and cant afford a mortgage. She is looking to get one with housing association.

However, she has very little points as despite having our DS 60/40 (I have majority) she has nothing linking her to being the other mother. She has asked about applying for parental responsibility or adoption for security as is terrified I will take him away (I wont).

Now she is asking me to transfer child benefit into her name so that the council can see she has some custody of a child and help her with her housing claim.

I don't want to do this but her family are pressuring me. I moved to a rural location with her years ago and have zero support network here.

What are the implications of putting the child benefit in her name to get her off my back. Or should I not? Could she then essentially take my UC claim away from me?

This is a messed up situation but please be kind. I am very fragile right now with a lot of stuff going on, bereavement etc and now this.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 02/05/2025 09:30

Absolutely do not do it, no way. You are the primary parent, you will affect your UC claim and lose the CB money. She will have to just sort her own shit out.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 02/05/2025 09:32

Do not transfer it. She will need to figure out her own situation. She can apply for a formal custody arrangement taking into consideration your special circumstances. If I were you I would start making friends and getting a support circle away from her and her family

BernardButlersBra · 02/05/2025 09:35

What do you mean she didn't meet the criteria for the fertility journey?

nadine90 · 02/05/2025 09:39

I could be totally wrong on this, hopefully someone more knowledgeable can answer from experience, but I don’t think that would help her get a property as NRP anyway. Only think this because my friend isn’t entitled to apply for a bigger property for her stepkids (partner is on BC). Either way, don’t shoot yourself in the foot to help her, you’ve got to put you and dc first. She needs to try and get a private rental, a one bed flat would be fine, she can share with dc or sleep in the lounge when she has them.

justkeepswimingswiming · 02/05/2025 09:40

Don’t do that, it’ll effect your uc claim you won’t be able to get universal credit child element for him if she claims child benefit. It’ll confuse things a lot you might end up with no money while they investigate and it can take months.

justkeepswimingswiming · 02/05/2025 09:40

Why can’t she get a one bed rental & sleep on the sofa when child comes to stay?

PinkyFlamingo · 02/05/2025 09:41

No don't do it please! Don't give in

Hoardasurass · 02/05/2025 09:43

@TravisRains yes she is trying to fuck you over.
If you transfer the child benefit to her (not entirely sure you could as she has no legal link to the child) she will be considering primary carer for your dc. This means she gets UC for your dc not you.
If you agree to her having parental rights/adoption she can go yo crt for full custody and with her being in reicept of the cb she will be considered the resident parent already and you could lose custody or residency.
Then there's the fact that if she has PR she can stop you moving or changing school, even going on holiday abroad would need her permission.
Basically what I'm saying is there's no up side in doing what she wants for you only serious problems whereas it's all upside for her, extra money a council house and a way to control you. Stick to your guns and tell her to do one.

Zeitumschaltung · 02/05/2025 09:45

You aren’t together any more so you can’t get involved in solving any of her problems. Even the most benign thing could build future dependence.
Show good will by demonstrating what you are doing to ensure her continued relationship with the child if that’s a worry, but don’t do anything else.

pinkdelight · 02/05/2025 09:46

Don't let the relatives pressure you. You have agency and they can't make you do anything you don't want to do. You have all the cards anyway, being the sole legal guardian of DC so it's them who should be playing nice not pressuring you.

However I also wonder this: What do you mean she didn't meet the criteria for the fertility journey?

What criteria is that? My friend co-parents and is on the birth certificate for a DC that her female friend had. Both gay but they were never a couple, just friends, and that was sufficient for her to be there for the whole 'fertility journey' and still raising the DC many years later, sharing responsibility legal and practically. So for you to say this didn't happen even though you were a couple kind of sounds more like you f'd your partner over. Why didn't you put them on the BC?

Goodadvice1980 · 02/05/2025 09:46

Don’t do it OP, this will end very badly for you if you do. Suggest going low contact for bow and only agree to any contact via text or email to ease the pressure on you.

At the moment you need to relocate to somewhere suitable for you and dc.

Original poster
TravisRains · 02/05/2025 09:50

pinkdelight · 02/05/2025 09:46

Don't let the relatives pressure you. You have agency and they can't make you do anything you don't want to do. You have all the cards anyway, being the sole legal guardian of DC so it's them who should be playing nice not pressuring you.

However I also wonder this: What do you mean she didn't meet the criteria for the fertility journey?

What criteria is that? My friend co-parents and is on the birth certificate for a DC that her female friend had. Both gay but they were never a couple, just friends, and that was sufficient for her to be there for the whole 'fertility journey' and still raising the DC many years later, sharing responsibility legal and practically. So for you to say this didn't happen even though you were a couple kind of sounds more like you f'd your partner over. Why didn't you put them on the BC?

Both our BMI had to be under a certain number and non smoking. She did not quit smoking and her BMI was big. If we'd have waited for her to lose the weight, it would have taken longer so she said for me to do it on my own.

I tried putting her on the birth certificate but the registrar said I needed evidence from HFEA that she was involved in the process as a couple.

OP posts:
SaladSandwichesForTea · 02/05/2025 09:52

Morally think you need to give her some formal recognition of being the child's parent. You say she wasn't able to go on the fertility journey but that's not really relevant IMO because you still chose to override the decision and make her a mum to your child for 7 years and plan to keep her involved. Plenty of people have kids with unsuitable people and you aren't planning to end contact. She and your child deserve that formal stability. Imagine being in her shoes on that one.

As 60/40 primary parent, no you shouldn't sign over child benefit.

Mulledjuice · 02/05/2025 09:55

Both our BMI had to be under a certain number and non smoking. She did not quit smoking and her BMI was big

But that wouldn't prevent her adopting the child so you were both legal parents?

Does the child stay with her regularly, is she behaving as a parent? Has she given up smoking?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/05/2025 09:55

It's no different than a man who was not on the birth certificate and doesn't have an order conferring joint parental responsibility demanding to have child benefit signed over to him so he can claim UC and get a two bed council flat (as they wouldn't get one as a non resident parent either).

It means you'd lose your benefits because she would be legally the parent with care and would be able to claim child support from you. So you'd lose the house as you wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage/rent on just your wage, no CHB, no UC and having to pay her maintenance from your salary.

If she wants JPR, she needs to apply for it through the courts, along with an order for where your child lives/contact. Essentially, she needs to start a custody battle with you and is trying to coerce and gaslight you into not realising it.

Talipesmum · 02/05/2025 09:57

Why not apply for adoption then? I can see how she feels very unsettled and it’s all very well having your word for it, but the security of adoption would surely help?

L0bstersLass · 02/05/2025 09:57

Do not do this. Don't even think about it.
Do not try to game the system it will bite you on the arse.
You are the one currently getting benefits and you have all to lose.
There is nothing for you to gain by doing this.
Just say no.

TrtseHkpr · 02/05/2025 09:58

Do not give up the Child Benefit, you risk your entitlement to the child element of UC.

SamDeanCas · 02/05/2025 10:03

Mulledjuice · 02/05/2025 09:55

Both our BMI had to be under a certain number and non smoking. She did not quit smoking and her BMI was big

But that wouldn't prevent her adopting the child so you were both legal parents?

Does the child stay with her regularly, is she behaving as a parent? Has she given up smoking?

It might stop her adopting. Part of the adoption process is that you are in good health, don’t do or have anything that will impact your ability to provide long term care and stability for a child. It also takes into consideration your mobility, your ability to take part in children’s activities etc. Smoking is also a big no no for potential adoptive parents

SociableAtWork · 02/05/2025 10:03

Echoing everyone else - don’t do it! No matter how much they pressure you, stand firm.

Leagally he is your child. Transferring the child benefit could be seen as fraud, as she has no formal rights. It would also impact your Universal Credit because you need a child benefit claim to get the extra amounts (only one person per child can claim) and she could take that away from you in a counter claim. Getting child benefit also ensures your NI contributions continue even if your work hours reduce or stop.

Whilst I’m sure everyone wants your DC to maintain a relationship, you are free to move elsewhere if you choose. This is more difficult for exes when they both have parental responsibility and rights, but as she doesn’t you can move nearer your support network and/or further from hers if they continue to pressure you. I’m not suggesting hundreds of miles away, but a bit of distance and less rural might help you stay strong.

DON’T DO IT. Her financial issue, and the current consequences, have never been your responsibility and are even less so now.

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 02/05/2025 10:07

Keep the CB, it should be with the resident parent which you are. Not used to defraud any systems or prove you won't "take him away". Even if you wanted to transfer it do they allow you to transfer to someone who is not legally responsible for the child?

You do need to consider her legal responsibility/standing for the child for now and in the future.

If something happened to you she would not automatically become the child's parent. You might not be able to claim formalised financial support if you need it. Can she make decision on the childs behalf if you are not available? - doctors, hospitals if no parental responsibility etc. Surprised this was not all sorted out 7 years ago when the child was born.

Sharptonguedwoman · 02/05/2025 10:08

Please see an advisor or the CAB.

crowsfeet57 · 02/05/2025 10:11

This wouldn;t help her to get social housing as your child is 'adequately housed.' If your daughter is housed twice then another child may not get housed at all.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 02/05/2025 10:13

Don't do it.

I know someone who did this, they had two kids, she kept the house, he was sofa surfing, she transferred CB to him for 1 dc to help get a council house, which he did, then proceeded to claim UC, and maintenence for that child, and it took almost 2 years to sort out, all the while she had majority of time with the kids and he was getting UC, CB and maintenence, it was a mess.

Zeitumschaltung · 02/05/2025 10:14

I think if you were still in a relationship you would be unreasonable not to arrange the adoption but she could have organised it at some point over all the years. Marriage before the fertility treatment would have made him hers as well. Yet she was happy to leave you with all responsibility for all these years, and to leave your child unprotected if something had happened to you. It seems she wants help to get accommodation primarily and not because she’s putting the child first.
I would let the child choose at some point whether they would like to be adopted by their other mother but I wouldn’t connect it to your expartner’s financial issues.