Page 7 | Urgent advice needed, am I being crazy or is DP trying to f*** me over

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 21:33

She could take your universal credit from you yes

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 21:36

You can do a parental responsibility agreement if you want to give her parental responsibility. This would avoid court. But I wouldn't advise if you ever want to move abroad or think you might disagree on schools etc.

She can take you to court for a parental responsibility order and there's a chance she'll get it, but also if she's in court anyway she'd probably apply for a child arrangement order too which could mean she takes your child for more time etc, it depends if you want to risk court or not. If you don't want her to take you to court and you think she would do so then parental responsibility agreement is probably the best step.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 21:38

SealHouse · 02/05/2025 11:38

Leaving aside emotional factors, how is this situation materially different from the following hypothetical situation:- A woman who is pregnant with no father on the scene (for any number of reasons such as anonymous one night stand, sperm donor, bereavement etc). You enter a relationship with another man around the time of your child’s birth and this man helps you raise your child but has no legal parental rights. You split up when your child is 7 and he asks you to give him legal parental rights over your child so he can get social welfare/housing. There is no way in hell most women would do this. I don’t consider your current circumstances to be much different from that scenario. Don’t do it. If she wants to maintain a relationship with your child going forward she doesn’t need any legal rights in order to do so.

Edited

They did plan the child together though. This scenario would be more accurate if the man's sperm wasn't working so the girlfriend went to get a sperm donor

EmBear91 · 02/05/2025 22:01

TravisRains · 02/05/2025 09:50

Both our BMI had to be under a certain number and non smoking. She did not quit smoking and her BMI was big. If we'd have waited for her to lose the weight, it would have taken longer so she said for me to do it on my own.

I tried putting her on the birth certificate but the registrar said I needed evidence from HFEA that she was involved in the process as a couple.

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This makes no sense? If you had fertility treatment using your eggs and donor sperm then it wouldn’t matter what your ex partners BMI was or whether she was smoking. She would have still be able to be named as the 2nd parent, be on the birth certificate & have parental rights if that was what you both wanted & you completed the appropriate paperwork. I work in fertility & there is no “criteria” for a partner who isn’t providing eggs/sperm in terms of needing to lose weight etc as it’s irrelevant to the process. Did you not go through a licensed HFEA clinic?

Bestfadeplans · 02/05/2025 22:11

SaladSandwichesForTea · 02/05/2025 09:52

Morally think you need to give her some formal recognition of being the child's parent. You say she wasn't able to go on the fertility journey but that's not really relevant IMO because you still chose to override the decision and make her a mum to your child for 7 years and plan to keep her involved. Plenty of people have kids with unsuitable people and you aren't planning to end contact. She and your child deserve that formal stability. Imagine being in her shoes on that one.

As 60/40 primary parent, no you shouldn't sign over child benefit.

She doesn't want the child benefit to be recognized as the other parent, its to get a house.

Bestfadeplans · 02/05/2025 22:18

Blackdow · 02/05/2025 12:20

Why didn’t she adopt him? She isn’t wrong. She deserves to have parental responsibility. If you die, what happens? Have you sorted that so she gets him? And what happens if he is with her and there is a medical emergency; she won’t be allowed to make decisions for her own child. She is his parent and deserves that recognition.

That is totally separate from benefits. You are the primary carer so you keep the child benefit. To get it from you once she has parental responsibility, she would need to prove that she was the primary carer and she can’t so you’re safe. If you give her the CB claim then you will lose the child element of your UC and your claim becomes a single adult claim. Do not give her the CB.

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When a court looks at parental responsibility and adoption applications, its never considered what the adult deserves.

Bestfadeplans · 02/05/2025 22:23

Ohyure · 02/05/2025 13:02

Its not 100% clear who was pregnant and who gave birth to the child?

Yes it is. Do only has me on birth certificate. Shes the birth mum.

SealHouse · 02/05/2025 22:32

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 21:38

They did plan the child together though. This scenario would be more accurate if the man's sperm wasn't working so the girlfriend went to get a sperm donor

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I'm looking at the situation as it is now, the cold realities. The child is not the ex-partner's child, either genetically or legally. The ex-partner should have made sure to formalise/legalise her parental rights before now. It makes me wonder how much interest she had to begin with and how involved she was in the "planning" of the child given that she couldn't even reduce her bmi to qualify for ivf. OP would be mad, in my opinion, to hand over sole legal responsibility for her own genetic child to someone who she is no longer in a relationship with. So many women in the midst of divorce/separation wish they didn't have to send their children off 50/50 or eow - the way I see it, OP is in a lucky position - why on earth would she voluntarily give that up.

Booboobagins · 02/05/2025 22:59

Do not transfer anything into her name @TravisRains

Does she work? If not why not? You can't be responsible for her and her problems. Be very careful she's up to something...

.

prh47bridge · 02/05/2025 23:56

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 21:36

You can do a parental responsibility agreement if you want to give her parental responsibility. This would avoid court. But I wouldn't advise if you ever want to move abroad or think you might disagree on schools etc.

She can take you to court for a parental responsibility order and there's a chance she'll get it, but also if she's in court anyway she'd probably apply for a child arrangement order too which could mean she takes your child for more time etc, it depends if you want to risk court or not. If you don't want her to take you to court and you think she would do so then parental responsibility agreement is probably the best step.

No, OP cannot use a parental responsibility agreement to give her ex PR. A mother can only use an agreement to give PR to the father or her spouse or civil partner. OP's ex does not fall into any of these categories.

Carpetty · 03/05/2025 09:32

SealHouse · 02/05/2025 22:32

I'm looking at the situation as it is now, the cold realities. The child is not the ex-partner's child, either genetically or legally. The ex-partner should have made sure to formalise/legalise her parental rights before now. It makes me wonder how much interest she had to begin with and how involved she was in the "planning" of the child given that she couldn't even reduce her bmi to qualify for ivf. OP would be mad, in my opinion, to hand over sole legal responsibility for her own genetic child to someone who she is no longer in a relationship with. So many women in the midst of divorce/separation wish they didn't have to send their children off 50/50 or eow - the way I see it, OP is in a lucky position - why on earth would she voluntarily give that up.

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I agree with this.
OP needs to be very careful about what she commits to.
She has done all the heavy lifting regarding this child.
Volunteering rights to him unnecessarily would be madness IMO.

Continue contact, but on your terms, doing what is best for your child above all else.

Hoohaz · 09/05/2025 10:09

TravisRains · 02/05/2025 13:59

I have sought some advice and been told that of she was to adopt him, it would relinquish all my parental rights. Furthermore, child benefit can not be transferred to someone who has no legal link to the child. I have a 30 minute free legal consult next week.

How did the legal consult go? What was the legal advice given?

ladyofshertonabbas · 09/05/2025 10:11

do not do this, ever!

WildflowerConstellations · 09/05/2025 10:18

TravisRains · 02/05/2025 09:29

Long time poster, changed names.

I am gonna keep this brief but try not to drip feed.

2 female partners - together 15 years

1 partner went through IUI to have a child. This was done as a single woman, other female not named on birth certificate. Reasons being, she did not meet criteria to be part of the fertility journey. very long boring story but ultimately it was her fault.

DS only has me on birth certificate. This comes to today. DS is 7 years old. Me and DP have split. No cheating, nothing like that, she just stopped giving any kind of attention/sex. We would argue all the time and I made the decision to end it.

I have the house. Now in receipt of Universal credit which tops up my full time wage a bit.

She is now sofa surfing at her brothers house and cant afford a mortgage. She is looking to get one with housing association.

However, she has very little points as despite having our DS 60/40 (I have majority) she has nothing linking her to being the other mother. She has asked about applying for parental responsibility or adoption for security as is terrified I will take him away (I wont).

Now she is asking me to transfer child benefit into her name so that the council can see she has some custody of a child and help her with her housing claim.

I don't want to do this but her family are pressuring me. I moved to a rural location with her years ago and have zero support network here.

What are the implications of putting the child benefit in her name to get her off my back. Or should I not? Could she then essentially take my UC claim away from me?

This is a messed up situation but please be kind. I am very fragile right now with a lot of stuff going on, bereavement etc and now this.

No, don't do it. They would only take it into account if she had him at least 50% of the time. I also think you surely CAN'T transfer child benefit to someone who is not his legal parent or carer????

Cornishclio · 09/05/2025 13:25

As the primary carer and only parent named on the birth certificate I strongly recommend you do not give up child benefit. Do either of you work? The implications are by removing it and giving it to her you are acknowledging her as the primary parent. This will affect any housing benefit/uc and state pension credits. It sounds more to me that she is trying to access accommodation and money via benefits already going to you than being worried about custody.

Motomum23 · 09/05/2025 13:28

No it doesn't work that way. You keep the child benefit and the UC - the gov do not pay UC/benefit for 1 child to two parents. Many men who have their child 50/50 suffer the same problem but ultimately benefits can only stretch so far.