Urgent advice needed, am I being crazy or is DP trying to f*** me over

[TravisRains]

Long time poster, changed names.

I am gonna keep this brief but try not to drip feed.

2 female partners - together 15 years

1 partner went through IUI to have a child. This was done as a single woman, other female not named on birth certificate. Reasons being, she did not meet criteria to be part of the fertility journey. very long boring story but ultimately it was her fault.

DS only has me on birth certificate. This comes to today. DS is 7 years old. Me and DP have split. No cheating, nothing like that, she just stopped giving any kind of attention/sex. We would argue all the time and I made the decision to end it.

I have the house. Now in receipt of Universal credit which tops up my full time wage a bit.

She is now sofa surfing at her brothers house and cant afford a mortgage. She is looking to get one with housing association.

However, she has very little points as despite having our DS 60/40 (I have majority) she has nothing linking her to being the other mother. She has asked about applying for parental responsibility or adoption for security as is terrified I will take him away (I wont).

Now she is asking me to transfer child benefit into her name so that the council can see she has some custody of a child and help her with her housing claim.

I don't want to do this but her family are pressuring me. I moved to a rural location with her years ago and have zero support network here.

What are the implications of putting the child benefit in her name to get her off my back. Or should I not? Could she then essentially take my UC claim away from me?

This is a messed up situation but please be kind. I am very fragile right now with a lot of stuff going on, bereavement etc and now this.

Personally, I wouldn’t. I don’t see the benefit for you or your child. I’d name her in your will though as a legal guardian in the event if your death.

Sorry - In dealing with people who think OP should have given her ex PR (which is not possible) I have overstated the case a little. OP's ex may be able to get PR through the courts if she can get a CAO naming her as someone with whom the child is to live (which is what actually happened in FC v MC). However, OP is not, and never has been, able to give her ex PR without going through the courts.

I think you have to ask yourself what's in it for you and the answer seems to be nothing but negative consequences.

You're living rurally with no support. What if you are made redundant and you need to move for work? Her family seem to be bullying you? I sthat something you want that for the rest of your life?

In 5 years' time your son will be going to senior school. Is rural life going to offer him the opportunities he wants? Do you really want to be tied to your ex and what she wants when it might conflict your yours and your son's best interests?

She didn't commit at the time. She made her choices then, so she'll have to live with them.

@TravisRains no way op ! This is you and your ds security and it’s more than “just” financial.

Thanks, @prh47bridge!

I’ve voted YABU - in the sense you are being unreasonable to think about transferring child benefit to her. Please do not do that. Look after yourself and your son. She will do same, she just needs to figure it out and that’s not your job.

I would tell her it’s not that you won’t transfer the child benefit to her, it’s that legally it’s not possible. How can her family object to something that can’t happen unless someone brings a magic wand to the party?

NO Don’t pay her the CB that impacts on you
She needs to sort herself some accommodation and being in receipt of CB won’t confer any privilege or preferential status. Housing options won’t confer special status on her for being in receipt CB

If her accommodation is unstable how does she get to see her son? Do you allow her to see ds at your place? Or they meet externally?
Going forward you both need to coparent harmoniously for the child
Her family only have her interest at heart (realistically as one would expect) so frankly you need to disregard them.

OP, this appears primarily a housing issue for her.

Do not hand over anything.
Do not agree to anything.
Certainly do not agree to adoption.
Do not make life harder for yourself.
Protect yourself and your child.

You have already stated you will be fair with access.
She needs to accept this.
Do not be Coerced by her family to do something against yours and your childs best interests.

I have no idea about child benefit. But your ex-partner is the child's mother and cares for him nearly half the time. I would say that she should have PR and that you should support her in achieving that (though obviously she needs to be the one to take the initiative). What would happen if the child is injured while under her care? Is she allowed to make medical decisions? What about educational decisions?

I suppose your ex's story is a cautionary tale for non-biological parents. No one goes into a marriage/relationship expecting it to break down, but it happens frequently enough that parents without a biological tie to their children should certainly ensure they have a legal connection.

I mean legally this is really no different to any single parent having an ex partner. Of course she can't claim housing for a child her ex has. You allowing your son to spend 40% of his time with her is a personal choice and arrangement. She has no grounds for custody whatsoever. She's an ex-step parent. You can't get housing accossiation property in order to have a place to look after a child that legally is nothing to do with you.

I'm Franky astonished she would have been happy with this situation - I would have wanted far more protection for myself as you could easily turn around and say you don't want her to see your son ever again and she has no legal grounds for recourse.

I would do nothing in your shoes. You allow her 40% of time with your son, which you aren't obliged to do. She isn't coming across as a very responsible parent for never having put any protection in place to see your son - and seems only interested to do so now that it could get her CB and housing!

Making these serious changes to connection to your child... just for financial gain can't be right!

You’re the biological mum your rights cannot routinely be revoked
Her gaining pR doesn’t deprive you
Do you want the ex to get PR or do u have misgivings

This.

She had plenty of time and opportunity to take on the legal responsibilities of parenting when you were together. It really does sound like she only wants to do this now for her own benefit. Telling you to do the fertility journey as a single person speaks volumes. Don't start down a path now that you can't easily reverse out of. And definitely don't be pressurised by people who don't have your best interests at heart- which she and her family don't seem to be thinking of. She had enough people looking after her. You need to look after yourself and your child.

Actually this is what the non-resident parent has to do anyway in a council or h.a. property, as they don't provide a bedroom for the children any more (at least in my area and others I know of). When I was a child, my dad had a bedroom for us children as well as one for himself, but my ex now has to use an airbed while DC stays in his council bedsit. It's very difficult for them, once a child is past about 9 or 10. It's very much the norm in many households, though.

Tell her and her family that you are taking legal advice to sort out what could be a real dogs dinner legally

She/they are just going to have to wait until you are fully informed. She can do the same if she doesn't trust you

But the bottom line is you are the parent, the primary carer, and should do absolutely nothing that might jeopardise your standing or any financial support for your child

Best of luck working through this

I have not read all the replies. But don't do it. You need it for your uc claim.
Not to mention what's to stop her saying you signed it over because she looks after your child more. Then trying to get full custody.
Having the child benefit won't make a difference to her . I also personally wouldn't want her trying to adopt or get any legal claim on your child. You don't know how far her and her family will take it.

Do not do this, it will affect your Universal Credit!

Do you mean ‘in cases where a non married/civil partnership couple…’?

Simply -

“I have sought advice regarding your request, I’ve been told it’s misrepresentation (& a bad idea) and I cannot not to proceed with your request. I’m happy to consider other ideas, but changing child benefit is not possible “

IMO - this is more about fast money to improve her living situation. She needs to consider how she can sort her living situation on her own.

No. If a step-parent wants to become an actual legal parent of their step-children (previous children of the person they have married) this is still the case.

I’m with you now. For example if the OP & (ex)DP married after the baby was conceived.

If they got married before the baby was conceived and they used a fertility clinic they wouldn’t need to adopt.

I think if they had married before the baby was born they could have registered the baby's birth certificate with the spouse as the baby's 2nd parent. But as they've never been married, the partner has no legal connection to the baby. If they HAD married after the baby was born, the partner would have the same status as a step-parent and could only become a legal parent via an adoption.

Partly correct.

If they had married after the baby was born, OP could have given her ex PR, which would have given her the same rights and responsibilities as a legal parent. The rest of your post is correct.

Not only will it effect your UC claim, theoretically she could claim child maintenance from you as they tend to look at who claims the child benefit.