Urgent advice needed, am I being crazy or is DP trying to f*** me over

[TravisRains]

Long time poster, changed names.

I am gonna keep this brief but try not to drip feed.

2 female partners - together 15 years

1 partner went through IUI to have a child. This was done as a single woman, other female not named on birth certificate. Reasons being, she did not meet criteria to be part of the fertility journey. very long boring story but ultimately it was her fault.

DS only has me on birth certificate. This comes to today. DS is 7 years old. Me and DP have split. No cheating, nothing like that, she just stopped giving any kind of attention/sex. We would argue all the time and I made the decision to end it.

I have the house. Now in receipt of Universal credit which tops up my full time wage a bit.

She is now sofa surfing at her brothers house and cant afford a mortgage. She is looking to get one with housing association.

However, she has very little points as despite having our DS 60/40 (I have majority) she has nothing linking her to being the other mother. She has asked about applying for parental responsibility or adoption for security as is terrified I will take him away (I wont).

Now she is asking me to transfer child benefit into her name so that the council can see she has some custody of a child and help her with her housing claim.

I don't want to do this but her family are pressuring me. I moved to a rural location with her years ago and have zero support network here.

What are the implications of putting the child benefit in her name to get her off my back. Or should I not? Could she then essentially take my UC claim away from me?

This is a messed up situation but please be kind. I am very fragile right now with a lot of stuff going on, bereavement etc and now this.

This

2 people can't claim it for the same child, so it makes sense that the parent who has the child most gets it.

Which would also be the case in heterosexual relationships, when the father would also pay child maintenance.

This.

So you had the baby when you were together - but it was you who was pregnant with donor sperm? I’m surprised she didn’t officially adopt the child at the time as now she has no legal rights to him. She’s essentially like a step-parent.
This is unfortunate but I absolutely wouldn’t allow her to claim for him. He’s your biological child so I doubt she’d be able to honestly.

Absolutely do not do this under any circumstances or any pressure. Say it’s not possible and take it off the table.

she sounds like quite a manipulative person. Who wants what she wants and doesn’t care very much about anyone else. No way would I be entertaining her demands.

The only reason I get a bit of UC on top of my full time wage is due to the child element which is tied to claiming the child benefit.

its bc likely if you handed over cb you wouldn’t be entitled to your claim.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

"Sorry, I'm not comfortable doing that, it forms part of my own claim and I don't want to jeopardise my income or DS's security."

She will need to find another solution (just as everyone else has to). She can look at house shares, changing area, staying with family. It is not your responsibility to sort this out for her, especially not if it will be to your own detriment.

Its not 100% clear who was pregnant and who gave birth to the child?

This 100%.

I am a single mother also. I would not agree to give that up for financial reasons to help someone else whom is no longer together with you. You may regret that decision.

I dont understand your post. Op hasn't done anything not to get the other parent formally recognised. She can't go on the birth certificate and that's not ops fault. The question was about the child benefit claim which I gathered you understand as you agreed she shouldn't put the child b in the other parents name. 🤦‍♀️

This feels very unfair for same sex couples. I had ivf and at no point did they take note of my husband’s weight or BMI. If you were the one undergoing treatment it makes even less sense for same sex couples to have to both meet the weight criteria as you don’t even need sperm from the partner 🤯

Don't do it as it will mess up your U.C. and classes her as the main residential parent. She will just have to trust you, and yes that is enough.

@pikkumyy77 l think it is relevant

With regards to the original post then no l wouldn't transfer the CB. You do more of the parenting and her getting housed isn't especially your issue. She needs to sort that herself and won't probably be a big priority anyway. Why now about the adoption etc? As others have said she's had 7 years to sort this if she was so inclined

I’m very against children being used as a financial cash cow - and that seems to be more of the motive here than anything else- a separated dad wouldn’t get priority as a non resident parent - even if on the BC either- so nope OP she is using your child

Fucking hell don't do that OP. Child benefit is a gateway benefit. It'll affect your UC claim. She'll be doing all of the claiming. Tell them all to fuck off and block any numbers.

Same sex couple here who underwent IVF. If only one woman is undergoing treatment they don’t both have to fit the criteria, only the one undergoing treatment.

I’m assuming the OP is saying this is the criteria for reciprocal IVF (ie using one woman’s eggs and the other woman carries).

In the seven years you were raising your dc together did she want to adopt or formalise her relationship to him at all?

It would be a hard “no” from me on the child benefit. It’s supposed to go to you why would you even consider giving her your child’s money?

Really, is it not?
You think that the woman recorded on the birth cert is the woman who didn't get pregnant and give birth, and instead the woman who did give birth was left off?

She is absolutely trying to screw you over, or at least game the system. But you will be worse off without the CB, which is for you to use for your child.

Do not under any circumstances sign this over to her.

This.

Child benefit is the "gateway" benefit for all other child related benefits, eg child element in UC, DLA if the child is disabled etc. OP would lose the child element, and the UC would go down or stop.

I also think that the bedroom entitlement for housing costs would reduce by one bedroom, so the LHA rate would go down, leading to a further reduction in UC.

It's an area where benefit rules don't reflect real life. And it's a bummer for separated parents who genuinely want to share the parenting 50/50 but are on low incomes.

Don't do it, she can use this to screw you over further down the line with regards to parental responsibility etc

It sounds like she and her family have a plan, whilst I am not the paranoid sort, you are in a very vulnerable position. You have no support network or family. You are on your own with a child.

Consider all options, including moving to have more support.

And definitely do not transfer or do anything with the child benefit. Far better for the child as they are residing with you.