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AIBU?

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Original poster

Urgent advice needed, am I being crazy or is DP trying to f*** me over

166 replies

TravisRains · 02/05/2025 09:29

Long time poster, changed names.

I am gonna keep this brief but try not to drip feed.

2 female partners - together 15 years

1 partner went through IUI to have a child. This was done as a single woman, other female not named on birth certificate. Reasons being, she did not meet criteria to be part of the fertility journey. very long boring story but ultimately it was her fault.

DS only has me on birth certificate. This comes to today. DS is 7 years old. Me and DP have split. No cheating, nothing like that, she just stopped giving any kind of attention/sex. We would argue all the time and I made the decision to end it.

I have the house. Now in receipt of Universal credit which tops up my full time wage a bit.

She is now sofa surfing at her brothers house and cant afford a mortgage. She is looking to get one with housing association.

However, she has very little points as despite having our DS 60/40 (I have majority) she has nothing linking her to being the other mother. She has asked about applying for parental responsibility or adoption for security as is terrified I will take him away (I wont).

Now she is asking me to transfer child benefit into her name so that the council can see she has some custody of a child and help her with her housing claim.

I don't want to do this but her family are pressuring me. I moved to a rural location with her years ago and have zero support network here.

What are the implications of putting the child benefit in her name to get her off my back. Or should I not? Could she then essentially take my UC claim away from me?

This is a messed up situation but please be kind. I am very fragile right now with a lot of stuff going on, bereavement etc and now this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TravisRains · 02/05/2025 10:14

FTR she no longer smokes

OP posts:
NotsosunnyShropshire · 02/05/2025 10:16

Another here saying don’t do it! Be prepared to seek legal advice if necessary.

Ilovecakey · 02/05/2025 10:17

No don't do it

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 02/05/2025 10:22

Could you write her a letter to take to the council confirming her relationship to your child and what agreements you have in place? may help with the housing situation

ItGhoul · 02/05/2025 10:24

Absolutely do not let her adopt your child and don't start messing around with transferring child benefit etc. Ultimately, she is not your son's parent. She was your partner when you had a baby.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 02/05/2025 10:25

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 02/05/2025 10:22

Could you write her a letter to take to the council confirming her relationship to your child and what agreements you have in place? may help with the housing situation

It wouldn't.

They need a legal responsibility to the child otherwise anyone could say it.

Step parents (which ops ex essentially is) don't have legal rights unless they go to court and get them.

KnickerFolder · 02/05/2025 10:25

Why won’t you just give her the parental responsibility agreement she asked for? It is a fairly simple process.

There was a fairly similar case
where the biological mother refused access and to agree to a parental responsibility agreement after a split. Parental responsibility and a CAO were granted so it is likely that your ex would be granted parental responsibility even if you don’t consent as she has raised your DC as a parent for 7 years.

MissUltraViolet · 02/05/2025 10:26

Absolutely do NOT do it. It’s not as simple as just losing CB, you’ll also lose UC elements and potentially be a lot worse off financially on top of it taking a long time to sort out and a huge fight later down the line to try reverse it. Don’t bow to the pressure, you have to do what’s best for you and DC.

Offer to provide a letter confirming her relationship to the child, the current custody agreements and then let her sort herself out. Instead of pressuring you perhaps her family could be helping her find accommodation instead. (Private rentals, help with funds, guarantor etc).

Secretsquirels · 02/05/2025 10:27

Can you write up a formal agreement of childcare split acknowledging that she has him 40 percent of the time and get the signatures witnessed by a professional? There are quite a few templates online for family arrangements.
That would give her something formal as evidence without doing the child benefit change…

RareGoalsVerge · 02/05/2025 10:27

Absolutely do not in any way sign over child benefit to her or cooperate with a process to allow her to have parental responsibility. You are the appropriate person to have full and sole PR - and you can and will continue to facilitate an ongoing positive relationship between the child and your ex, but it would be irresponsible to sign away any of these rights. It's OK to be sympathetic to her plight but to nevertheless put your child's needs first, and your child's needs would not be best served by complying with any of these suggestions.

UnemployedNotRetired · 02/05/2025 10:37

Does your ex pay child maintenance, by the way?

Nothing to stop an application for this: https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/apply-for-parental-responsibility

prh47bridge · 02/05/2025 10:50

UnemployedNotRetired · 02/05/2025 10:37

Does your ex pay child maintenance, by the way?

Nothing to stop an application for this: https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/apply-for-parental-responsibility

Edited

There is plenty to stop an application for PR. OP's ex is not on the birth certificate, is not the second female parent and OP's posts suggest she is not married to her or in a civil partnership with her. She is therefore unable to get PR.

AngelicKaty · 02/05/2025 10:55

@TravisRains Child Benefit and the child element of UC are designed to be paid to one parent, usually the one with the main responsibility for the child - that's you. If you allow your ex to start claiming CB instead of you, the DWP will, not unreasonably, assume your ex should also be receiving the child element of UC and take it away from you. Why would you choose to lose money when you have your DC 60% of the time? I wouldn't do this for her at all. Your ex's housing situation is her responsibility and she shouldn't be using your child to improve her prospects (which aren't guaranteed anyway) and which would also lead to a drop in your income. Please don't do it.

Original poster
TravisRains · 02/05/2025 10:55

KnickerFolder · 02/05/2025 10:25

Why won’t you just give her the parental responsibility agreement she asked for? It is a fairly simple process.

There was a fairly similar case
where the biological mother refused access and to agree to a parental responsibility agreement after a split. Parental responsibility and a CAO were granted so it is likely that your ex would be granted parental responsibility even if you don’t consent as she has raised your DC as a parent for 7 years.

she is claiming now that it isnt enough. That it gives her no security in him not being taken away from her

OP posts:
SallyR75 · 02/05/2025 10:56

Don’t do it!

GreenSilverStripe · 02/05/2025 10:57

Why did you never let her adopt or get parental responsibility? She’s either his second parent or she isn’t. I have lots of friends who are in different set ups and all have gone on the birth certificate as second partner. The non donating spouse never needed to meet the clinic criteria if they were replaced by a enrol your clinic sound really harsh to deny a child their parent security.

GreenSilverStripe · 02/05/2025 10:58

But don’t do anything to try and beat the system, either acknowledge her properly as second parent or go at it on your own.

Vaxtable · 02/05/2025 11:01

Do not do it

if her family are that concerned they can support her in finding somewhere by either having her live with them or helping her get somewhere to rent

you have the child the majority of the time you get it

Zeitumschaltung · 02/05/2025 11:02

GreenSilverStripe · 02/05/2025 10:57

Why did you never let her adopt or get parental responsibility? She’s either his second parent or she isn’t. I have lots of friends who are in different set ups and all have gone on the birth certificate as second partner. The non donating spouse never needed to meet the clinic criteria if they were replaced by a enrol your clinic sound really harsh to deny a child their parent security.

It doesn’t say that they ever asked the clinic for help after the registrar said they hadn’t provided information. However, it’s possible that the measures needed to be take pre-treatment and can’t be done after.

FortyElephants · 02/05/2025 11:02

Having shared care of a child wouldn't help her access housing anyway. Unless the child is in unsuitable housing and needs to live with the applicant most of the time then the child is housed already and can't be considered on a second parent's housing application.

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 02/05/2025 11:14

Do not do it.

mindutopia · 02/05/2025 11:17

Don’t do it. She is a single person. She can for the immediate term be a lodger and to work on sorting out her financial situation so that she can have your child more in the future. Your child has a home and a primary parent, and another parent who can still be very involved in their life, even if overnights are tricky for a bit.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 02/05/2025 11:18

Is she a parent or isn't she? Does the child idenfiy her as a parent? Does she do all the things a parent does and is she reliable? If so, I would formalise it so she has rights and your son legally has another parent. If you died would it be in your sons best interests to be with her?

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 02/05/2025 11:23

Just don’t do it if there’s any money changing hands it should be going in the other direction

Namechangetry · 02/05/2025 11:24

SamDeanCas · 02/05/2025 10:03

It might stop her adopting. Part of the adoption process is that you are in good health, don’t do or have anything that will impact your ability to provide long term care and stability for a child. It also takes into consideration your mobility, your ability to take part in children’s activities etc. Smoking is also a big no no for potential adoptive parents

Show quote history

That's for potential parents adopting a child from care, the requirements aren't nearly as strict for a step parent adoption which I guess this would effectively be.

Whether that's a good idea for OP and her DC is another matter, and possibly the court might question why it's never been applied for until after the split. Because only doing it now makes it looks a bit like only doing for the perceived benefits - if I was the ex I can't imagine at least trying to sort a legal relationship with my child for 7 years.